Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[Aarya]

This is another issue I have that is independent of this one guy. I do have problems letting go and mourning indefinitely. I am so scared of that. It's an extremely painful process for me. Losing hope is nearly impossible for me. Maybe these are things I should talk to a professional about?

[Aarya]

When we were hugging and both cross legged (yoga style) with me on his lap and looking into each others eyes he told me, very romantically, "We have to try" with tears in his eyes and his voice breaking. He asked me if it hurts here (pointing to my throat) and said me too.

I cannot erase that moment out of my memory...

[camus154]

Question for you: what else do you have going on in your life besides this guy?

[Batya33]

I suppose you are right. Although it is very painful hearing it in this way.

 

I'm sorry it is so painful but it would be far more painful for you to jump through hoops and entertain him in the hopes of getting him to change his mind. And even if he had a lightbulb moment when would you stop jumping and entertaining? Wouldn't you be worried that any minute he might change his mind back "oops I sneezed during dinner with a mouthful of food, now he's going to be grossed out and not want me anymore".

 

I completely agree that we shouldn't let fear of getting hurt impede us from getting out there and being vulnerable in a relationship. But when from the get go you're with someone who's told you he doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason, then getting involved has nothing to do with being brave- and everything to do with being safe and taking the easy way out -you'd be putting yourself out there for someone who most likely doesn't want you -so you really don't have to risk the fear of getting close to someone -the vulnerability -because it will all be about the chase and the challenge and the drama, not about actually getting close to someone. That chase and challenge and drama is the stuff of fantasy and a great way for you to tell yourself "I'm fighting for love, for the real thing" while you get to avoid the work and vulnerability that comes with truly working on a relationship that both people want.

[ToF]

No. Do not make any plans to see him. I don't care if there are "no promises", if you plan to date other people, or whatever. Planning to go see someone who does not value you enough to be with you, would be incredibly unhealthy.

 

You need to get a grip on this, Aarya. Whatever it takes, you need to get this through your head.

 

This isn't about taking chances, being romantic and risking everything for love. This is about you desperately trying to change his mind, when he's already told you he doesn't want to be with you.

[orange1234]

I just dropped by because I was wondering how you were doing. Aarya, it seems like you're getting the same advice over and over again, and you keep insisting you want to hold on to that 'hope'.

 

Be honest with yourself. Do you truly see hope in this man?

 

No one here knows the conversations you've had with this guy. No one knows you. No one knows what it's like to be online friends with a foreign man for six years. We can only offer you what we think is rational according to our own experiences.

 

If you're still confused about what to do, I think it's best if you forget about him for at least a day. Watch the Olympics. Think about your situation again when you've calmed down a bit. And ask yourself again if you're not just fooling yourself to avoid the inevitable pain.

 

If you truly think the hope exists, that he might try for you, I don't think it's wrong to hold on to that hope.

 

If you realize you're just deluding yourself, well, you have all these people here who are giving you useful advice to move on.

[Aarya]

Thank you. That is the hard part. Only I know first hand the experiences, conversations, feelings we have had. Yet it is only me that cannot be objective in this situation. I am not sure I can be objective after 1 day, 1 week etc.

 

Yesterday was the first day we were away. He did not try to contact me (we never said we would, in fact since I declined hometown visit at the last second, it was implied we wouldn't). I know he was home all day and I'm guessing he slept all day in bed

[tnmom66]

I understand this situation. This man has issues and he knows it. Part of him wants intimacy and a committed relationship, but the stronger part of him is too afraid to let it happen. He hopes the same as you do that there is some chance that he will be miraculously cured of his phobia. But he doesn't want to hurt you or give you false hopes. He is torn, you are torn. But he is honest and he has given you fair warning. Listen to him. You had a passionate affair. You had some excitement, but it has left you feeling so torn, confused. If he wants to "try" to overcome his issues, he needs to get professional help. And you need to read "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter and Julie Sokol. He's a commitmentphobe. Run away while you can.

[Aarya]

By the way I forgot to mention that he is getting help. He goes to see a doctor about once a month or once every two months. To get medication and to talk.

 

We also talked about his prior relationships. He had 3 of them. 2 he broke up with and 1 dumped him just before he would have (so he said he was relieved). From things he told me I know he cared about these women long after the breakups.

[Aarya]

I just bought the book electronically and will start reading. Maybe it will help me find peace with my logical side as opposed to my 'go after him, he wants you in [hometown], give it a chance' side.

[tnmom66]

If he is dealing with his anxiety...if HE wants to be "cured" and is willing to do hard work to do so, there may be a chance. But he probably knows what he is capable of. My commitmentphobe has gone to a "shrink" for help, but he didn't stick with it. He couldn't even commit to working towards a "cure". I don't think you get cured, I think you just learn how to manage the anxiety IF you want to bad enough.

[abitbroken]

If he is dealing with his anxiety...if HE wants to be "cured" and is willing to do hard work to do so, there may be a chance. But he probably knows what he is capable of. My commitmentphobe has gone to a "shrink" for help, but he didn't stick with it. He couldn't even commit to working towards a "cure". I don't think you get cured, I think you just learn how to manage the anxiety IF you want to bad enough.

 

If he wanted to deal with his anxiety, it would have happened before he turned 40. It would be something he was working on prior. He is throwing you a breadcrumb - to give you a glimmer of hope to keep you hooked. That is just my take. He is too afraid to get "better" and manage his anxiety.

[Aarya]

Yesterday I already knew logically that all of you were right, but it was very difficult for me to process and understand because the wound is very fresh (yesterday was my first day without him). Today I've made a conscious decision of not to pursue him in any way. However I also will not block him etc. We have been through those block/unblock speak/not speak cycles before and I think it just makes the whole thing more dramatic, whereas the goal here is to calm things down, to disintegrate them.

 

I do PROMISE myself however that if he does contact me I will not get sucked in to replying emotionally or pursuing him. I will remain polite and kind, but distant. I will not respond to anything emotional and I will control my feelings when and if he does contact.

 

The thing I cannot do with logic is give up hope 100%. Please let me know, does that happen in time? As long as one makes the conscious decision to let go and not pursue? How long does it take? What can I do to speed it up?

[Aarya]

Bottom line is that I have to somehow accept it. Right?

 

I don't need to understand it or him or what happened to accept it. I DO need to lose hope to accept it. Isn't that correct?

[Aarya]

Wow I am going back and forth so much on this. Almost instantly.

[abitbroken]

If it is over, you do need to stop contacting him and block him. (its a good time to do it if he hasn't been contacting you). If you don't make the conscious decision to end it, he will keep sucking you in. You can't move on and neither can he. You may think its dramatic, but its over as far as a relationship. He is not a good life partner potential for you. How would a future boyfriend feel if you were still chatting with a guy that you slept with? And you will be using him as a confidante when you need to establish bonds with the people around you rather than on the computer.

 

Right now you are extremely vulnerable and you have to take him out of the equation completely to heal. The benefit of an in person situation ending is that you can avoid going to the bar they hang out with and not go out with them. Someone on the internet can invade a little more easily.

 

If you choose not to just block him and tell him you are, just send a brief note that since being in a relationship is not something he wants and not something healthy for YOU, that you are moving on and to please not contact you. Then block him.

[ToF]

You do need to block him. Trying to "disintegrate things" is a poor excuse not to block him.

 

I'm sorry, Aarya. I know this is the last thing you want to do. Maybe someday you'll find out why he's done this, but for the time being it matters only that you understand that he's done it. No matter what his reasons (depression, fear of commitment, lack of interest), he has chosen not to pursue a relationship with you. Trust me when I say this is a very difficult pill to swallow. But once you get it down, you are over the worst part of it and things get so, so much easier.

 

Not saying it's a 100% turnaround, as even I still get a touch of sadness or bitterness a month out of my breakup. But it's so much better than it was before I accepted the reality of it. Sooooo much better.

[Aarya]

I feel like asking: Do you miss me/think of me at all or is it already completely over for you?

 

I feel the best way to getting over it is to somehow find something that compares. Although it seems right now as if nothing would ever compare.

[abitbroken]

I feel like asking: Do you miss me/think of me at all or is it already completely over for you?

 

I feel the best way to getting over it is to somehow find something that compares. Although it seems right now as if nothing would ever compare.

 

Then that means you will hang onto something until something better comes along? Also, you are just filling a hole, rather than truly healing. Also, if you want something that compares you are selling yourself short. You should want more than someone who takes 6 years to meet you and then you find out he is not capable of a relationship. Start out with someone you meet in person who WANTS a relationship and then you just have to figure out if he's the one for you or not.

 

Do not ask if he thinks of you. Of course he does. He didn't get his mind erased. But it doesn't matter if he does or not- the situation is NOT healthy for you.

[ToF]

I feel like asking: Do you miss me/think of me at all or is it already completely over for you?

 

I feel the best way to getting over it is to somehow find something that compares. Although it seems right now as if nothing would ever compare.

 

I don't think any answer to that question would make you happy.

 

If he said no, then you'd be hurt. If he said yes, then you'd wonder why on earth you two aren't together. It's a lose-lose.

 

Someone will blow this guy out of the water, eventually. Every time I've had my heart broken, I never thought there was anyone else out there for me. Each time I was totally wrong.

[Aarya]

I don't think any answer to that question would make you happy.

 

If he said no, then you'd be hurt. If he said yes, then you'd wonder why on earth you two aren't together. It's a lose-lose.

 

Someone will blow this guy out of the water, eventually. Every time I've had my heart broken, I never thought there was anyone else out there for me. Each time I was totally wrong.

 

I wish it was me 'blowing him out of the water'.

 

I talked to a friend of mine who has very similar mental issues as this guy. And he told me that it is hard but there is some hope and gave me some advice (posters who disagree with this, please be kind and don't yell at me for this!).

 

I don't know what I am going to do in the long run, for now I want to just take it day by day.

 

ToF I find comfort in hearing you say "I was wrong each time". Logically I know you must be right but somehow my emotions are convincing me otherwise and that hurts.

[ToF]

Well, emotions have a way of doing that to us. Like I said, I never believed it when I was heartbroken. I was convinced that there was no one else in the world who could ever make me happy. But as time went on and the pain lifted, I always met someone who proved me wrong.

 

I don't think you should take your friend's advice too seriously, simply because of your mental/emotional state at the moment. You are going to take any sign of hope to mean much more than it actually does. To you, a .01 percent chance of this working out, means it's worth a try. But it's not. He has proven himself to not be worth a try, simply by rejecting you while you were standing right in front of him.

[Aarya]

Well, emotions have a way of doing that to us. Like I said, I never believed it when I was heartbroken. I was convinced that there was no one else in the world who could ever make me happy. But as time went on and the pain lifted, I always met someone who proved me wrong.

 

I don't think you should take your friend's advice too seriously, simply because of your mental/emotional state at the moment. You are going to take any sign of hope to mean much more than it actually does. To you, a .01 percent chance of this working out, means it's worth a try. But it's not. He has proven himself to not be worth a try, simply by rejecting you while you were standing right in front of him.

 

ToF please be kind to me, but is it fair to say he actually 'rejected me'? He admitted that he cannot make long term commitments because he is afraid of them, he fails at them and he is afraid of hurting me. He said he is much more comfortable with making short term plans/commitments and was ecstatic when he thought I may be interested.

 

Most of us don't have severe mental issues so am I wrong that we may be slightly misinterpreting things?

 

(Again please please be kind to me, even if you are trying to wake me up - which I highly appreciate, even if it may not seem so.)

[camus154]

OP, you need counseling. Seriously. Professional help. Please go get some.

[Aarya]

Camus, I saw in the past two days a different poster asked you to please stop writing and then blocked you. I will do the same. Even if you mean well (which I am not convinced of at this point) you are not helping.