Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[ToF]

No, I think that's great! I remember, as soon as my own "rose-colored glasses" came off regarding my ex, I started remembering all of the unattractive things he did. It only served to reinforce my decision not to talk to him.

 

Those quirks probably would have been fine had we stayed together, but when they are added to how he broke up with me, they are totally awful. Lol.

[Aarya]

No, I think that's great! I remember, as soon as my own "rose-colored glasses" came off regarding my ex, I started remembering all of the unattractive things he did. It only served to reinforce my decision not to talk to him.

 

Those quirks probably would have been fine had we stayed together, but when they are added to how he broke up with me, they are totally awful. Lol.

 

You think it's great that he can shove a finger up to his brain and keep digging? I guess there is someone for everyone, have him!

 

I'm joking of course I'm having fun here

 

OMG SO gross SOOOO grossss. I actually saw him doing it once. LONG time. He was up there long. Ewwwwww

[orange1234]

...okay, I said I wasn't going to check this thread anymore... but I did see the last page....... never thought it would end up this way.... this thread is hilarious... good for you Aarya and everyone else who end up being disgusted by their ex... great, as long as it helps you get over them... but still.... you loved him once, he was your everything at one point in your life. I could never say anything like that about my ex... maybe because I pick my nose too? LOL

[Aarya]

Orange! Tell me the truth! Do you really pick???

PS I never ever thought it would end up this way either...

[Aarya]

I'm quite ashamed to say that - it isn't working.

[ToF]

What makes you say that?

 

If you were expecting to feel better already, it just doesn't work that way.

[lavenderdove]

The most important thing in cutting thru all the fog is to ask yourself, is this relationship giving me what I want, or am i living on 'if only's' as in, if only X happened, then Y happened, then Z happened, then everything will be OK!

 

You need to carefully evaluate whether the relationship is consistently offering you what you need, which is a REAL relationship, in the here and now, and not some nebulous 'maybe' if only 25 things went right and happened exactly as you hope them to be.

 

You can only make decisions based on what is being presented to you now, keeping in mind that words are cheap and some people make all kinds of promises but what they actually DO is far different. So don't tangle yourself up in all the 'if only's and 'what if's or you will never be able to make a decision on what to do because you are dancing with shadow possibilities and not reality.

 

This guy is not offering you a relationship, not in a relationship with you, not living in your own area, has serious mental issues, and is actively rejecting your attempts to have a normal relationship with him. That should be foremost in your mind rather than dwelling on all the things that MIGHT happen if everything that was happening wasn't actually happening!

 

So your decision is far easier than you think. You have to make the decision this based on those realities to cut thru the fog. And if he should come back in the future and all those hurdles be fixed, then maybe you could consider it, but you really need to cut it off now because the reality is this relationship is just dragging you down.

 

But you can't just keep going on with him ad naseum when he is not really offering you what you want and need. Unless what you really want (and don't know it) is a lot of drama and no real relationship. If what you want is a real relationship with a guy who is truly available and interested in a relationship, then don't waste more time on his empty words and waffling back and forth.

[Aarya]

At some point i was SO sure i had him. he was right in my palm. he couldnt walk 10 steps without reaching for my hand to kiss it. he was looking at me and crying, begging that we have to try. WTH happened from there?

 

Why won't I stop torturing myself? Why?

[ToF]

It's a choice, believe it or not. A couple of days ago you made the choice to stop torturing yourself, and now you have to either make it again, or not. It was never going to be that easy -- you have to keep trying until you get it.

[Aarya]

me: [x company]? (this is me asking if they contacted him about the last interview)

boy: no [x company] yet.

boy: sent him an email on monday, replied that he would call me after an hour, never did

boy: me left for vacation on tuesday

boy: [y] island

me: U having fun?

boy: so and so

me: Me leave for vacation tomorro

boy: if i had too much fun i wouldnt be online right?

me: Btw me miss u lots

boy: [z city]?

me: Correct

boy: btw not only you

me: Btw me wants to try to come to athens in fall

boy: btw me wont say no

me: Me scared you will make option disappear

me: You make good things go puff sometimes

boy:

me: True story

boy: plane/train/boat or car to [z city]?

me: Plane too far for anything else. Im packing gimme kiss and talk later

boy: [that city was named bla bla] a long long time ago

boy: me done with email

boy: going to get something to eat (alone)

boy: (like an old pervert)

me: No kiss?

boy: k/h/k (means kiss/hug/kiss for us)

[ToF]

What does all that mean to you?

 

To me, it's pretty obvious you are the one pursuing him.

[Aarya]

What does all that mean to you?

 

To me, it's pretty obvious you are the one pursuing him.

 

That is (unfortunately) correct.

[ToF]

What are you going to do with that knowledge?

[Aarya]

Throw myself in a dryer with a can of coke.

[ToF]

That implies that this man is your entire life. Your sole source of happiness.

[Aarya]

That implies that this man is your entire life. Your sole source of happiness.

 

That is not correct. But (somehow?!?) he has become a very important part of my happiness, and (although I am scared to admit it) a very important part of my life.

[ToF]

That happened through a long series of small decisions, all made by you. So. Guess how you go about reversing that process?

[Aarya]

That happened through a long series of small decisions, all made by you. So. Guess how you go about reversing that process?

 

small decisions taken by me? But I cannot manage it is so clear. The small decision to not write - didnt work. the medium decision to say no to athens - i want back on it. I have no control it seems. Or I just don't WANT to let go. I'm confused.

 

I know I am the one pursuing and he is making that clear I guess with the words he chooses. But still I melt at the thought that a) he misses me too b) he wants me to come to athens

[ToF]

No -- You want to go to Athens, and he didn't tell you not to. You told him you missed him, not the other way around.

 

You HAVE control. To say you don't, is an insult to those people who actually have no control over their cognitive functions. Take a good look at this situation, and decide if it's worth all the drama.

[Aarya]

No -- You want to go to Athens, and he didn't tell you not to. You told him you missed him, not the other way around.

 

You HAVE control. To say you don't, is an insult to those people who actually have no control over their cognitive functions. Take a good look at this situation, and decide if it's worth all the drama.

 

I know what you are saying but don't exaggerate the other way please. Yes from that text what you say is true but I know you've read the whole thread and know that he was ecstatic that I had mentioned Athens, he had already planned the activities we would do and how he was talking about it so excited like a little boy. So I think it's fair to say he does want me to go, and I think it's fair to say (unless he is lying) that he misses me, since he told me he would, so many times, with tears in his eyes and his voice cracking.

 

And technically yes I'm sure I have control as in I am able, but emotionally it seems I have lost control and I struggle mentally. Big time.

[ToF]

I don't know what else to tell you, Aarya. I can't help you.

 

Do what you want. Whether you go to Athens or not is, at this point, a trivial matter. Just take care of yourself, whatever you decide.

[greywolf]

Just because someone misses you and would like to see you, does not mean that they want to be with you. I know that you're trying to convince yourself that him missing you and wanting to see you must mean something more than that, but it does not. You're driving yourself crazy here. You're wasting your time on an 40 year old man that does not know what he wants (or maybe he knows exactly what he wants, but enjoys all the ego-boosts from you pursuing him after he rejects you again and again).

 

And technically yes I'm sure I have control as in I am able, but emotionally it seems I have lost control and I struggle mentally. Big time.

 

So what controls you then, Aarya? If you're not in control, who is? This man? Is he the one in control of your life?

[lavenderdove]

OK, that email exchange you just had screamed of you treating him like a BF... but you're hugging and kissing hollow air. A REAL relationship is two people who make plans to be together as a couple, ARE together as a couple, and have reasonable plans to live in the same area to be together as a couple. He's done none of that and is specifically rejecting the idea that you are a couple.

 

You can have all kinds of fun flirtation online with him, but it's all fantasy and not really real. What is real is him telling you he has no intention of turning this into a real relationship, and it ISN'T a real relationship. He can be happy to see you on a vacation, yes, everyone loves vacations, but a vacation is not agreeing to be your BF. So you're treating him like he's your BF, and he's treating you like you're a fun vacation from his real life, and that is all he really wants from the deal or he'd tell you he wants you as his GF and the two of you would be making plans to live together in the same area.

 

So recognize you are addicted to the fantasy like a woman addicted to romance novels. It's great entertainment and fun, but it's not real if he isn't actively making plans with you for a real life and commitment together. Many, many married and committed men carry on stealth online fantasies like this with multiple women, but it doesn't mean they're ever going to leave their wives and make it real with the other woman. Same with this guy... he's happy for the fun little fantasy, but you want it to be real and he doesn't, other than a fun vacation together now and again.

 

See what he says if you tell him you've decided to MOVE to Athens and want to be his GF and have the two of you build a relationship together potentially leading to marriage and a family. See how quickly these fun little fantasy hugs and kisses stop or drop off when you do tell him that. The thing is whenever you challenge the fantasy and want to make it real, he backpeddles. As long as it's a fun break with no strings attached he's happy with that, but when it looks like you want/expect more, he's gone. So you need to really recognize that you two are shopping/in the market for two different things right now. You want to make it real, he likes it the way it is, with no real responsibility or commitment or future plans other than a little vacation now and again.

[Ms Darcy]

I cannot remember if you have said you have ever been in a relationship. IF not, then you may not know that this is not a relationship.

[Aarya]

Over one week of NC. In case anyone is curious...