Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[abitbroken]

One point I don't think was brought up - you said that you had a very erotic time with him. We tend to bond closer to someone when we have sex with them and it makes it more difficult to let them go even if they are harmful or just not the right match for us. All of those bonding hormones. I am not saying you are not an intelligent woman, but things would be very different in a scenario where you met him in public in a coffee shop a few times and then he told you he was not capable of a relationship vs an erotic weekend. if it was the later you might be mad that you met him or thought "meh, whatever" or "okay, well its not a love connection, we can be friends." But I strongly think the physical intimacy turned this into something you will not let go for what it is.

 

I also think that if there is ANY chance of anything, you can't 'see how communication goes' = you really have to prevent him accessing you for awhile - no phone chats, no being accessible to chat online so you have a physical boundary from him so he is not constantly infiltrating yourlife. You need your own headspace right now to get clarity on this...for YOU.

 

As far as "getting to know him better '_ you talked online for 6 years. Going to see him should have been just confirmation you needed to settle in your mind whether it was a love match or whether this guy really is someone that is not healthy for you to be in a relationship with. It should not be treated as you just met someone and travel accross countries "to get to know him better." You know enough about him to know whether it is healthy to pursue a relationship with him or not.

 

Bottom line is that this man does not feel capable of providing you with the relationship you want and deserve, and you are seeing it as an obstacle to climb rather than a communication from him of honesty.

 

BTW, a man who talks about marriage and teases about it early on is typically a commitment phobe. A man who was serious about marriage as far as wanted to someday but it was a matter of finding the right woman and being in a relationship long enough with her would not bring up marriage at this point. I have a feeling that this guy is going to say just enough to keep you coming back to him (i don't mean just traveling, but talking to him) - it could be things like saying "oh, i am not capable" knowing full well that you will try to convince him as a challenge, etc.

[Aarya]

I have a feeling that this guy is going to say just enough to keep you coming back to him (i don't mean just traveling, but talking to him) - it could be things like saying "oh, i am not capable" knowing full well that you will try to convince him as a challenge, etc.

 

Thanks for the post abitbroken. It is one of the most helpful ones on the thread (among many of course, particular thanks to ToF who has repeatedly put up with me, and very insightful posts by lavenderdove, and I always appreciate orange1234's differing point of view as well even if she has decided to not post anymore).

 

The part I quoted, I couldn't follow. Do you mind explaining? It may be a very small thing with grammar/missing word, or just could be my English...

[Aarya]

Special thanks to everyone who posted and has been trying to help me despite my confusion and going back and forth on this. Thank you for being patient with me, and not giving up.

[Aarya]

@abitbroken

 

Here's something I struggle with in the context of 'not being available':

 

Do I block all Skype, iphone apps etc we use with each other and delete/block his access to me, or do I remain on them and just do not write to him (and not respond if/when he tries to contact me). We have went thought a couple of cycles of this priorly so I always am afraid of doing this, fearing that I will give in again and let him back in - which is very embarrassing after being 'decisive' about it and blocking him from everything, especially since it has happened before. I fear doing it and then regretting it. Going through that really sucks on many levels.

[Aarya]

If I knew that I could do it and STICK to it, and forget he ever existed I would do it in a heartbeat right now. Last I did this (this was before I met him in person) it lasted well over a month, was very painful, and in the end I gave up and told him I'm flying to Y city, and please come meet me. And here we are...

[Aarya]

Just noticed that 'Frederick' seems to have joined only to comment on this thread. Which makes me think he/she is probably one of my (several) friends that I have showed this thread to. An anonymous friend....wonder who it is.

 

I want to keep hope and I don't. It's driving me MAD. I wish there was an easy way to put it all out of my mind.

[lavenderdove]

Aarya, i think a good way to handle things is to just really be very honest about what you want from him. If what you want is a relationship and a 'normal' BF with expectations that you might move in together eventually, then you talk to him about this, and if he is not willing to agree to that, then the person you need to convince it is over is YOU and not him. He is perfectly willing for and desires non-committed contact with you as long as he doesn't have to be committed to you or responsible to you as a BF would be, so he has no reason to not push for that, even though that is ultimately not enough for you, it is for him, so YOU must be the one to draw the line and cut him off.

 

So it is up to you to draw that boundary and recognize that things are just the way he likes it now, with him having open access to contact you when he feels like it, but no obligation to actually be your BF or take the relationship anywhere other than it is with is very little actual contact with him and a whole lot of romantic drama with no obligations or strings attached.

 

My suggestion for you would be for you to take that vacation to Greece, but have some very specific talks about what you want and need, and if he is still sticking to the fact that he can't/won't be your BF or make future plans to be together with you, then sadly it is up to you to decide that you need to go get for yourself what you need, which is a REAL boyfriend. Staying in contact with him just stirs you up and keeps you attached to him when what you really need to do is let go and find a real BF.

 

So then the decisions become easy, in that you know you need to stop contact with him if continuing contact is keeping you too attached to him and preventing you from really healing and looking for a real BF. He wants a very loose arrangement and a long distance 'erotic' friendship or FWB situation, but he doesn't want what you want and need, which is a committed relationship.

 

So you have to endure some short term pain cutting him off in order to free yourself to be emotionally available to begin dating other men in a 'normal' way, and preferably local rather than long distance so that you can actually be together. You want to be a real part of a man's life, and have him be a real part of yours, rather than being in this fantasy limbo where you are more than a friend but less than a GF and rarely if ever actually see him. That is a horrible place to be, and you need to work your way out of this situation and into a new relationship with a guy who wants a normal relationship and who has fewer problems than this guy has. Your ultimate goal is a real relationship and loving family, not this kind of high drama that leads to nothing other than more high drama.

 

I think based on everything you have said, he sees you as part of his emotional support system and an occassional erotic interlude, but has no intention of trying for anything more than that. And you need more than that, so there is nothing in this for you if he won't agree to a real relationship with you.

[Aarya]

Well when you say it like that, it just makes me sound crazy.

 

"Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results"

 

Because WHY would I go to Athens and push those conversations with him? (We already had them, why would the answers be any different unless he changed his medication/doctor. In addition now I know that there are possibly words surrounding relationship, move in, marriage etc that possibly trigger fears in him). What is the point. Just forget that he held me and cried and said "We have to try" Remember the "I do not want a relationship". And forget the "I'm not sure I don't want it, anything is possible" comments.

 

Why would he suddenly answer in a less confusing way if we were in Athens this time as opposed to where we met.

 

(Is that what you wanted me to realize?)

[Aarya]

I think it's very true that I have become his emotional support system over the years. Many times when he is depressed he will talk to me, get his moods up and thank me over and over after.

 

That makes me think - take it away, make him hurt, make him miss you. Let him realize what it means to be without you. But I know that isn't the healthiest of thoughts. And I hate doing that and STILL having hope. (Maybe I am somehow addicted to the drama myself. Which I hate.)

[lavenderdove]

Well, good then, it seems like you've made up your mind not to go to Athens and that you have all the info you need to make the decision to cut him off... If you think it's not going to change between you no matter what you do, then you have your answer and just need to commit yourself to moving on with your life and not contacting him to distract you from that goal.

 

If he's really depressed, he needs to be talking to a shrink rather than using you as a crutch... it's not healthy for you to become his 'free' therapist... he needs professional treatment.

[Aarya]

Well, good then, it seems like you've made up your mind not to go to Athens and that you have all the info you need to make the decision to cut him off... If you think it's not going to change between you no matter what you do, then you have your answer and just need to commit yourself to moving on with your life and not contacting him to distract you from that goal.

 

If he's really depressed, he needs to be talking to a shrink rather than using you as a crutch... it's not healthy for you to become his 'free' therapist... he needs professional treatment.

 

He does have a therapist (although I don't think he sees him enough, is once every 1-2 months enough??). Anyway even though I SOUND decided sometimes one way or the other, the truth is that I am constantly oscillating between the two. Which is driving me completely MAD.

 

I remember things like what happened at the airport JUST before he left. (and there are just SO many moments like this) I tell him he doesn't want to be with me, so I have to let go and he holds me and whispers: I am not so sure that I don't want it (the relationship).

 

Sometimes I think is he just playing? Do people do that?

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the post abitbroken. It is one of the most helpful ones on the thread (among many of course, particular thanks to ToF who has repeatedly put up with me, and very insightful posts by lavenderdove, and I always appreciate orange1234's differing point of view as well even if she has decided to not post anymore).

 

The part I quoted, I couldn't follow. Do you mind explaining? It may be a very small thing with grammar/missing word, or just could be my English...

 

Okay, no problem. I will explain.

 

Man #1 Could say: Man doesn't talk to you about marriage at all. "I am really sorry, but I really don't feel capable of being in a relationship. You are a nice girl and I am sorry I led you on. I feel you want more than I can give. I can be your friend, but can't offer you any more than that."

 

Man #2: says. Man jokes with you about marrying you, then says "I am really sorry, but I really don't feel capable of being in a relationship." and then later says "but we have to try, right?"

 

Man #1 - he is very, very clear with you. It is your choice to go home and decide if you can just be friends or decide if you have to stop talking to him.

 

Man #2 - says the same thing at first. He is not capable of a relationship with you. But you go home confused "I know he said he can't be in a relationship. I don't know if I am up for dealing with a mental illness. But wait a minute...he joked that he wants to marry me...does that mean he really deep down wants me for life? But he said 'we have to try' so maybe if I try really hard, I'll be the one to blow his mind."

 

See the difference?

 

By the way, yes someone will blow his mind someday - maybe you did it, maybe someone else will but just because someone is blown away by someone doesn't mean they want to marry them, nor does it mean they are capable of having a relationship the other person wants or is healthy.

 

I met a man over the internet once and everything was a go verbally, etc, but then later into the visit he told me how "I am glad we are friends" and really ripped my heart out because he made me feel like I was just a fling and just a sweet younger woman who he was passing on. I was so overcome with being upset after being rejected after all that, that I was determined that he must feel differently than he said. Because if he wasn't interested, we wouldn't have met. But I was so wrong.

 

It is not so much about the age gap, but the thing is = at 40 if he is like this, he is not a young 20 year old that will change 30 times in his life- he is pretty set in his personality and what he is about. You can't be with him thinking he will improve by being loved by you. He is the way he is.

[Aarya]

Ok I understand what you are saying. So I should accept that as much as he sounds confused to ME. Since he is 40, he is not confused and he is just confusing and that is who he is. It's not that HE is confused it's that he is confusing to ME. He is decided, he isn't interested. He just sucks at communicating it. He can't be/isn't like Man#1, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't know what he wants. (Even if he has SAID that, literally to me many many many times).

[abitbroken]

(We already had them, why would the answers be any different unless he changed his medication/doctor. In addition now I know that there are possibly words surrounding relationship, move in, marriage etc that possibly trigger fears in him).

 

I agree...why would he think diffrently..

But..

This is a dangerous line of thinking - so you would want him if he got on a different med that temporarily changed his thinking? Also, if he is afraid of commitment, that is not something limited to the mentally ill. Some people get "triggered" by the thoughts of marriage because they DO NOT WANT A COMMITMENT. It is not something at 40 he will suddenly change.

 

He tells you "we have to try" because he is manipulating you. He wants you on a string. If he periodically drops bombs like that when you are coming to your senses, he knows it will confuse you and keep you where he wants you - he doesn't want you by his side. He wants you there on the internet to be his therapist and wants you to be a fantasy. If he doesn't tell you he is not sure he doesn't want a relationship, it will confuse you enough so you don't walk away and find a man that truly deserves you.

[Aarya]

WOW do you think he is doing this INTENTIONALLY for his own benefit? I've considered this more than a few times, but always think NO NO NO it CAN'T be. This is the man that spoke to me for YEARS about my broken heart for ANOTHER man. He was my therapist for a long time until I got over that other man. He was right there for me when I needed emotional support, or I needed help with something small technical etc he would make time for me HELP me. He was so nice to me. It's so hard for me to believe that he could be doing this to me ON PURPOSE. That he is not confused at all, that he is just doing what is best for HIM. You had to see him crying as he saw how hurt I was. He was crying and telling me how GUILTY he felt for hurting me. Can he be? Can he really?

 

Can someone ANYONE fake it that much? He should have been an actor then.

[ToF]

The outcome is the same, whether he's doing it intentionally or not.

[Aarya]

The outcome is the same, whether he's doing it intentionally or not.

 

Not really. Because if I can convince myself that indeed it IS on purpose and that is all it is. It's so much easier for me to come to a decision, stick to it and be at peace with it. (Which you may have noticed is very difficult for me at this point.)

[ToF]

I meant that he is acting this way, whether he means to or not. How you interpret it is entirely up to you. That said, I would lean more toward the "he did this on purpose" side than to the other. He knew he'd lose you unless he gave you a few breadcrumbs to hang on to. So he threw them out there and watched you gobble them up.

 

It happens to all of us, at one point or another, so I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

[Aarya]

Make me feel bad? I'm tempted to say it makes me feel BETTER almost. I feel more grounded, more rational, more sane. I wish you guys had shared this particular thought earlier on. Like I said I have considered it more than once, however pushed it out of my mind thinking it was my cynicism, insecurity etc. But now that YOU point it out...

 

This might just be what I needed to take that next step, DECIDE and stick to it.

[Aarya]

Not the way I imagined it, move on by despising him, hating him. Destroying the nice guy in my head. But you gotta do what you gotta do...

[ToF]

The anger will fade with time. For now, though, I think it could be cleansing.

[Aarya]

Had he wanted me he would have done anything and everything to have me (that's what I would have done). That didn't happen and it's as simple as that. Mental illness or not he just didn't want me enough. That's really all there is to it.

 

I'm putting a time limit on it. Starting tomorrow (marking a week since he left) I will no longer dwell, obsess, cry, think, write, hope, etc about this 'relationship'. That also means starting tomorrow that I will no longer write in this thread either. I PROMISE myself that. THANK YOU SO MUCH to (almost) everyone that contributed. Over and done. And I mean it this time. I mean it, I mean it, I mean it. I am human and I know I will make mistakes, my mind will wonder. But I will consciously do EVERYTHING in my power to not make things dramatic, to let it go, to not waste time on it.

 

This experience drained me.

[ToF]

Good for you, Aarya! I mean that. Once you've recovered from this, you will be able to learn so much from it.

 

PM me any time if you eve want/need to. Healing usually isn't an easy process, but you've already proven yourself to be strong enough to handle this. I'm rooting for you.

[Aarya]

Good for you, Aarya! I mean that. Once you've recovered from this, you will be able to learn so much from it.

 

PM me any time if you eve want/need to. Healing usually isn't an easy process, but you've already proven yourself to be strong enough to handle this. I'm rooting for you.

 

Thank you dear. Much appreciated.

[Aarya]

And he wasn't even as smart as I had imagined him to be. We played this strategy game where I could tell that he wasn't able to think systematically (and he is supposed to be a programmer).

 

Now that I can see without the foggy pink glasses, I see so many things. He even picked his nose. (Yes I fell in love with a man who picks his nose?!!!!!). You had to see the shock on his face when he couldn't believe that I always use a tissue even if I am alone in the bathroom.

 

Sorry, that was gross I know, but I just felt like sharing

 

(Now I half feel like a moderator is going to come and say: This thread has run it's course! - At least I'm making myself smile )