Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[Miss Firecracker]

It was only a fantasy, and it is over. It is pointless to get so entangled with someone you can't be with. It was a waste of good energy. I am sure you won't make that mistake again.

[JulieC]

Yesterday I sent him another message (3 years later!!!) And he replies in like 10 being like, "Wow good to hear from you!" but I say, "no no.. I don't care about catching up I'm just wondering what happened to you"... and he explains himself! there and done, I got closure, but it took forever. xD anyway long story short don't get hung up on him and maybe you can revisit later when you're more calm.

What kind of reply did he give you, if you're willing to share?

[becomingkate]

"But when i started falling for him I didn't know he was unavailable."

 

I've worked with Greek people for years, and one thing they always said was that their son would only ever marry a Greek girl, or be cut off financially. Maybe this is the issue?

[abitbroken]

No one tells you upfront that they are emotionally unavailable. You sort of find out on your own.

[Aarya]

Update: I wrote to him. After 20 days... I wrote to him.

 

I couldn't sleep and I sent him a message: "You know how I feel about you. Do you feel anything comparable at all?"

 

He acknowledged he received it and that he would reply. Almost 12 hrs later:

 

me: (it was a yes or no question basically)

me: you can just say no, its ok

him: indeed

me: indeed what

me: indeed no, you dont

me: ?

him: indeed a yes/no question

me: do you prefer i didnt ask? should i just shut up and go away

me: nice

him: hey

him: the answer is that i centrainly feel things for you but they are not comparable to what you feel

me: by comparable i mean in the same category. as in romantic as opposed to friendship etc

me: so i am not asking if they are as intense as mine

me: just asking if they are the same kind of animal. or is what you feel just 'some person in the world that is a nice person'

me: too much. ok nevermind.

me: ill just remain confused, and deal with it.

him: the thing you ask is not a 0/1 question

me: but it is. im not asking how much, im asking if there is anything at all. x>0 or not.

me: but if you prefer, you can give me a real number [0,1]

him: im trying to supress any romantic feelings

him: but ill keep every bit of the other category

me: you should teach me how then

him: not a good teacher in this subject

me: anyway have a nice evening. tnx

me: (hug)

him: (hug)

 

me: i guess this falls into the category of 'letting someone down easy' which never really works

him: are there other ways?

him: im heading home

me: there are other (better) ways. bye.

 

 

 

Always more confusing than the last time. My head hurts. My heart hurts.

[penelope13]

Honey, it's NOT confusing, you just don't want to accept it: he is NOT romantically interested in you, he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

He is quite clear about it.

 

Just an observation: when you try to have a conversation with people, give them the chance to express themselves in their own words and time; multiple times throughout the conversation, you just keep going and are putting words into his mouth. I understand it's triggered by anxiety, but it only hurts you in the long run, since it doesn't give the other person the chance to express themselves in their own way. Instead they are getting sidetracked with every new comment that you are making.

[abitbroken]

Please, please stop torturing yourself. Do you need to know if he feels something so that you can have something to hold on to? Or do you want him to tell you to buzz off. Do NOT NOT NOT contact him. he is VERY clear that he doesn't feel the same things you feel, and chooses to also suppress or get rid of any leftover feelings. I see this as clear as clear can be in what was written by him, in addition to his behavior. You just do not want to see it or are not ready to. Only seperation (not talking or texting AT ALL) will help you. Every breadcrumb is going to drive you crazy.

[abitbroken]

By the way, just because he doesn't see you in that way does not mean that you are undesirable or unlovable. I just wanted to make sure you realize that. This man, for a variety of reasons is not able to love a woman in a way that is healthy, is mature, and is something to build on for the future. He can only love someone at arm's length, if it is even love, and that is not healthy for you. You want a man who is so much more and wants to share life with you. It is not him.

[ToF]

He gave you his answer. He does not feel the same way about you, and he stated it explicitly this time. You have your answer, so now it's time to decide what you're going to do about it.

 

Also, I agree with penelope about your style of conversation. Of course you were dealing with a lot of anxiety, so that might not be the way you normally speak to people. But you were kind of going a little crazy with the messages, writing over and over again before he responded, and indeed putting words in his mouth. You made it pretty difficult for him to get a word in at all.

 

All that aside, you still got your answer in no uncertain terms. He doesn't feel the same, and he is actively trying to move on.

[ToF]

He gave you his answer. He does not feel the same way about you, and he stated it explicitly this time. You have your answer, so now it's time to decide what you're going to do about it.

 

Also, I agree with penelope about your style of conversation. Of course you were dealing with a lot of anxiety, so that might not be the way you normally speak to people. But you were kind of going a little crazy with the messages, writing over and over again before he responded, and indeed putting words in his mouth. You made it pretty difficult for him to get a word in at all.

 

All that aside, you still got your answer in no uncertain terms. He doesn't feel the same, and he is actively trying to move on.

[annie24]

I don't think that this is a "yes/no" or 0/1 answer. At least in my view, it's a matter of "does he like you enough to enter a romantic relationship with you?" I think he likes you, is attracted to you, enjoys chatting with you, is fond of you, but doesn't feel strongly enough to do what it takes to make this work. The challenges here are HUGE - don't minimize them. There is the distance, you are not Greek, there is an age gap, he has a mental illness. And maybe there are even more obstacles that you are not aware of. You can say, "yes but......." to these challenges, but he doesn't sound willing to do the very hard work to make the relationship a reality. I do know of instances where Greek parents sabotaged the wedding when the bride-to-be was not Greek. I do know many people who make long distance relationships work, including relationships accross oceans. it's not easy. it's a serious drain on money, time, resources. visa applications. etc. don't make light of these things. you're willing to do the work, but he is not. maybe in another life, if you two were neighbors, if he didn't have this illness, maybe something could have worked out, but now, no. I don't think it's a coincidence that he's made it to 40 without getting married.

 

I don't know if you ever took chemistry in high school or college, but there is the "activation energy" for every reaction. There is a certain amount of energy that is necessary to make A + B -> AB. (so, you are A, he is B, and AB is you two as a couple). For some reactions, this energy is not a lot, and for others, it's a very high barrier that requires a huge input of energy. In your case, the activation energy to become a couple is a very large amount and he's not willing to put that energy in to make you two a couple. So, just forget him and move forward. And honestly, he sounds like he would be an albatross around your neck anyway.

[annie24]

I don't think that this is a "yes/no" or 0/1 answer. At least in my view, it's a matter of "does he like you enough to enter a romantic relationship with you?" I think he likes you, is attracted to you, enjoys chatting with you, is fond of you, but doesn't feel strongly enough to do what it takes to make this work. The challenges here are HUGE - don't minimize them. There is the distance, you are not Greek, there is an age gap, he has a mental illness. And maybe there are even more obstacles that you are not aware of. You can say, "yes but......." to these challenges, but he doesn't sound willing to do the very hard work to make the relationship a reality. I do know of instances where Greek parents sabotaged the wedding when the bride-to-be was not Greek. I do know many people who make long distance relationships work, including relationships accross oceans. it's not easy. it's a serious drain on money, time, resources. visa applications. etc. don't make light of these things. you're willing to do the work, but he is not. maybe in another life, if you two were neighbors, if he didn't have this illness, maybe something could have worked out, but now, no. I don't think it's a coincidence that he's made it to 40 without getting married.

 

I don't know if you ever took chemistry in high school or college, but there is the "activation energy" for every reaction. There is a certain amount of energy that is necessary to make A + B -> AB. (so, you are A, he is B, and AB is you two as a couple). For some reactions, this energy is not a lot, and for others, it's a very high barrier that requires a huge input of energy. In your case, the activation energy to become a couple is a very large amount and he's not willing to put that energy in to make you two a couple. So, just forget him and move forward. And honestly, he sounds like he would be an albatross around your neck anyway.

[Aarya]

I had a panic attack yesterday. Will write longer later.

[Aarya]

[This is just me rambling at this point. Did not, probably will not send the below (it's too long to send anyway).]

 

Dear P,

 

What I feel for you is unconditional and selfless. I will respect your preference to remain friends. I will respect your preference to suppress any romantic feelings, and no longer bring it up. For whatever reason it is that you need to hold on to me with a pinky finger (fear of being all alone?), I will be there for you. I will be there if and when you need me to talk. When you need to see me, I will be there for you. I care for you too much to leave you alone just to protect myself. I just want you to be well.

 

It's important for me that you understand that this is not my way of 'punishing' you. I need to do it to detach from you so I can stop hurting so much (and wasting time thinking/wanting/hoping). If you have no romantic interest then it's not fair to keep me stringing along like this.

 

I cannot be friends with you right now (and maybe not ever). I am going to ask you to please not make any form of contact (yes again, wonderful right!) unless you've magically found a want/need to NOT 'surpress any romantic feelings' if indeed they even exist (I am not entirely convinced that they do exist). Please don't write to me unless you would like me to visit Athens, for the specific purpose of talking about how we can work together on being together in some shape or form that works for both of us. I am sorry that I cannot accept anything less and disappointed that you cannot offer anything more than friendship.

 

I am not bitter and I am not mad. I don't think you are a horrible person. Although I do think that it was unfair of you to not disclose your mental state and also lack of feelings earlier than that. I specifically asked you before we met if there was anything important to share, you assured me there wasn't - NOT TRUE. This was a major one and you know it. When you kept saying you were 'afraid of the after' how was I supposed to know that this is what you meant? I think it was also unfair to make me believe something could happen while you were with me. Telling me things like 'we have to try' while holding me looking into my eyes, teary eyed etc. (I still don't understand why anyone would do that to someone).

 

Lastly completely detached from all of the above, I am genuinely sorry for what you are going through. I wish you didn't have to. I wish you were better (even if I couldn't have you anyway, I still wish you were better). And of course I wish there was something I could do to help. But as jaded as I am I'm smart enough to know I can't do anything to help you (altough I do believe that YOU can help you). All I can do is protect me.

 

So like your last words to me, until next time

(Which is basically a lie at this point. But you do it - so I can too).

 

 

[it is written with a flavor of delirium on purpose. This is exactly what he does/how he speaks to me...]

[annie24]

It's good to write to get things out. But no reason to send it to him. I think he understands why you need no contact.

 

By the way, my weight watchers leader always says it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. You got to 20 days so try again to get to 21 and beyond. You'll eventually stop missing him as you have other things to fill your life again.

[Batya33]

It's good to write to get things out. But no reason to send it to him. I think he understands why you need no contact.

 

By the way, my weight watchers leader always says it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. You got to 20 days so try again to get to 21 and beyond. You'll eventually stop missing him as you have other things to fill your life again.

 

Agree with this -it's great that you got it out on paper and very unhealthy for you if you actually send it.

[Aarya]

Annie, what do you mean exactly when you say you think he would be an albatross around my neck?

[annie24]

He would be a great burden on your life (and actually, luckily for you, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend or try to have a relationship!! Yes, I think that is actually a good thing, if you can step back and look at things rationally). He's a million miles away, he's not rich so he can pay for airfare ever weekend to see you or you see him. He is Greek and you are not, you would have his family to contend with. They wouldn't like you, your family wouldn't like him. He's depressed. You'd have to deal with his issues when goes into a funk. You will never find a job in Athens. He can find a job outside of Athens, but what if it doesn't work out - would he able to get his old job in Athens back? Doubtful. He's older, you are younger. You have a whole life ahead of you with so many options when you graduate, and he's stuck in his routine. Meh.

 

You can say, "yes, but I love him, etc...." to each of these things, but I think even if he wanted a relationship with you, the logistics would just be too difficult. It's better that he doesn't want to try. Now you can focus on someone who you can build a life with.

[Aarya]

Update:

 

I just blocked him from everything, except one app we use on the phone (and I will do that soon as well). Only ways he can contact me now is by email or phone. I will think about what to do about that IF that becomes a problem (I don't really expect him to).

 

 

 

I am going by: IF he wants me enough, IF he cares for me enough he will contact me. He will make it obvious that he wants me. I love him and want to be there for him (as he wants me to) but I love myself more so I have to protect myself. But if he wanted me, nothing would stop him from trying to reach out.

 

 

Today is day 1 all over again.

[PaintWithLight]

Update:

 

I just blocked him from everything, except one app we use on the phone (and I will do that soon as well). Only ways he can contact me now is by email or phone. I will think about what to do about that IF that becomes a problem (I don't really expect him to).

 

 

 

I am going by: IF he wants me enough, IF he cares for me enough he will contact me. He will make it obvious that he wants me. I love him and want to be there for him (as he wants me to) but I love myself more so I have to protect myself. But if he wanted me, nothing would stop him from trying to reach out.

 

 

Today is day 1 all over again.

 

It cannot be day 1 when you have left and open door with a plan for him to prove himself to you. Thisis just more long distance game playing. It is not a good fit and you know this.

[Aarya]

The open door as in the email and the phone? You want me to change my email or phone? OR you mean the other app (as I said, I will delete that). \

 

And of course I want an open door for him to reach me. Why is that such a horrible idea?

[PaintWithLight]

The open door as in the email and the phone? You want me to change my email or phone? OR you mean the other app (as I said, I will delete that). \

 

And of course I want an open door for him to reach me. Why is that such a horrible idea?

 

You know your situation best. I would only worry that 6 years coud turn into 7 years with still no resolution. At some point, you will determine that it has run its course. Good luck!

[Aarya]

I think you've misinterpreted the situation a bit here. Most of those 6 years were platonic. There was no romance. We've had other relationships and were mainly only friendly a majority of that time.

[PaintWithLight]

A 6-year time investment which culmananted in your initial post. Only you know when is enough. avian, good luck since a LDR is challenging under the best circumstances.

[ToF]

Even though some of that time was platonic, you've still developed this attachment to him over the last six years. There's really no denying that. So, the longer you allow yourself the idea of "being there for him", the longer you prolong the inevitable.