Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[JulieC]

Are you considering re-establishing communication with him?

Why should she?

[ToF]

She should not, in my opinion. I'm asking because I want to know what her state of mind is like now that he's contacted her.

[Aarya]

She screams in silence.

[annie24]

There's billions of men on this planet. You'll find someone else who wants a real relationship and who turns you on.

[Aarya]

There's billions of men on this planet. You'll find someone else who wants a real relationship and who turns you on.

 

Believe me when I say I am not looking nor do I have any desire to...

[Aarya]

To anyone that has been following;

 

At this point (in your own personal opinion) is there anything he could do that would make you think; ok this is significant, it's not a breadcrumb. He is trying here... etc.

[ToF]

It doesn't matter what our standards are concerning "breadcrumbs" and real effort, since we are not the ones involved in this situation. My idea of "trying" is probably entirely different from the next person's, and so forth. Entertaining hypotheticals like this, will not do you any good.

[annie24]

To me, if he said, "I love you" and then said how he plans to have a relationship with you, that would be significant. ILY and let's be together, I will come visit you, I will apply for a job in X country where you can move also, etc....

 

you know instead of crying in bed for 2 days, he could have been brainstorming ways to make the relationship work.

[ToF]

Well, he's already told her he loves her. The only thing that would satisfy me, would be proof of his plans to make the relationship work. Plane tickets, job applications, concrete plans, timetables ... etc.

[Aarya]

To me, if he said, "I love you" and then said how he plans to have a relationship with you, that would be significant. ILY and let's be together, I will come visit you, I will apply for a job in X country where you can move also, etc....

 

you know instead of crying in bed for 2 days, he could have been brainstorming ways to make the relationship work.

 

He was very excited about the London job during that time but didn't want to get either of our hopes up (I don't want to daydream here, I am not sure how much of it was related to me). But then when he didn't get it, he let me know as a btw in one of our many 'closure' emails. Something like 'btw Google rejected me. Best wishes (I really mean it)' bla bla...

[ToF]

At this point, I don't think that's relevant any more. I'm sorry.

[PaintWithLight]

To anyone that has been following;

 

At this point (in your own personal opinion) is there anything he could do that would make you think; ok this is significant, it's not a breadcrumb. He is trying here... etc.

 

To me, the scant time actually spent face to face within 6 years automatically qualifies everything as breadcrumbs. You have been on a starvation diet for so long that you cling to anything had been telling you. Enough is enough.

[Aarya]

To me, the scant time actually spent face to face within 6 years automatically qualifies everything as breadcrumbs. You have been on a starvation diet for so long that you cling to anything had been telling you. Enough is enough.

 

This is not very relevant. I was also unable/unwilling to meet during that time.

[abitbroken]

This is not very relevant. I was also unable/unwilling to meet during that time.

 

You are looking for a small glimmer of hope here. If you were unable or unwilling, isn't that one more indication that this wasn't a relationship? I can talk about this one guy I dated. I was unwilling to date him because of the age difference and MANY other factors. I did accept going out for pizza for him once because he was nice and he was persistent and I thought "well, okay, maybe i will just go out and see." Well, he sort of blew me off after that even though before we went out he was always complimenting me. But occasionally i'd hear from them. Do I give him a pass on his behavior of dropping me like a stone after he pushed to go out on me "because I was previously unwilling, so that's okay. he gets a pass." Or do I say "meh, there is more fish in the sea. He is moving out of town, he is older than I like to date and just isn't the one. NEXT."

 

I think you need to just look deep and see that no matter what he tells you or what he does at this point, you guys are just not a match. If someone cries for 2 days in bed with someone about feeling bad they can't give them a relationship, what happens when something happens such as a death of a child or parent or one's house falling down? You might think that is 'sweet' but its either emotionally unstable or terribly manipulative. This situation has caused you more heartache than a relationship that i had 8 years that ended.

 

Don't be fooled, his not being up for a relationship does not mean you are unworthy of one. He actually saved you a lot of heartache by telling you now instead of 5 years from now.

 

I think the issue also is that you communicated with him for 6 years and are now maybe wanting to feel the void of having someone on the computer or skype to talk to - please get off the computer and make in person friendships and relationships. its good for your heart.

[abitbroken]

This is not very relevant. I was also unable/unwilling to meet during that time.

 

Do you see that you are starting to blame yourself for this? If only you had been willing, things would have been different, maybe you are thinking. That's not true. He is who he is and 4 years ago it would have been the same story, I am afraid. Please stop beating yourself up.

[Sweet Entropy]

To anyone that has been following;

At this point (in your own personal opinion) is there anything he could do that would make you think; ok this is significant, it's not a breadcrumb. He is trying here... etc.

When he apologizes for breaking your heart, replies to your texts quickly, answers your calls AND chases you all the way to your country AND meets your family!!!

[Aarya]

When he apologizes for breaking your heart, replies to your texts quickly, answers your calls AND chases you all the way to your country AND meets your family!!!

 

I think this is true. I realize non of these things will ever happen. But I think IF they did, this would enough for me to consider responding. (Except the meet the family part. In my particular situation, that is just.. not possible)..

 

PS for posters that are stuck on the 6 year thing - Please realize that 1. we weren't romantic during this time, 2. We had other relationships

[PaintWithLight]

I think this is true. I realize non of these things will ever happen. But I think IF they did, this would enough for me to consider responding. (Except the meet the family part. In my particular situation, that is just.. not possible)..

 

PS for posters that are stuck on the 6 year thing - Please realize that 1. we weren't romantic during this time, 2. We had other relationships

 

Thanks for explaining more details about the 6 years. However, 6 years, 6 months, 6 weeks.... If someone is keen in a LDR, they strive to spend as much time together in the real world as possible. After so much time spent virtually embellishing the other person with all these wonderful qualities, it is a much more difficult reality check when it gets down to how to make it work. I still think there is a tipping point where it becomes easier to continue virtuallly "in love" than solve the real life challenge on how to be together. A guy should not enter into an LDR without a concrete plan on how to get together as soon as possible. Without that, it is just daydreaming.

[annie24]

Ok, but he hasn't done any of that. I mean, I know this is painful but you have to see that this is over. Well, it never really even started.

[Aarya]

Ok, but he hasn't done any of that. I mean, I know this is painful but you have to see that this is over. Well, it never really even started.

 

I know. I agree. But I want to decide with a clear head what to do from here. So I don't want to get dumbfounded with a stupid message or whatever else he chooses to do from here. That's why I am trying to make a concrete plan of what I will and will not accept from hereon. BEFORE it ambushes me.

 

Doesn't that make sense? Is that so crazy? Am I losing it?

[annie24]

Anything less than a concrete plan to be together is a breadcrumb. If he wants to be with you, he should be planning night and day, applying to 200 jobs.

[Aarya]

Anything less than a concrete plan to be together is a breadcrumb. If he wants to be with you, he should be planning night and day, applying to 200 jobs.

 

Yes. I agree. Lord knows I would do even more... If he said come (and I knew he meant it) I would be at his doorstep. I should accept nothing less.

[annie24]

exactly. so just keep that in mind and move forward. if he isn't willing to put in the effort, neither should you.

[ToF]

Yes. I agree. Lord knows I would do even more... If he said come (and I knew he meant it) I would be at his doorstep. I should accept nothing less.

 

Just .. work toward not expecting that.

[annie24]

Yes. I agree. Lord knows I would do even more... If he said come (and I knew he meant it) I would be at his doorstep. I should accept nothing less.

 

and not just come see him for another weekend of fun, but to really work on being together, in a relationship. he hasn't done that, doesn't seem like he will, so i think best to detach and move on.