Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

[Aarya]

Everything in this interaction screams " No, forget about it! ".

 

1. It's long distance.

2. He has already stated he doesn't want a relationship.

3. He has psychological problems.

4. You are 27 yrs old ( just about to enter your prime as a woman where you will have so much power in every single way ) and he is a 40 yr old man, well past his prime with psychological problems ( a depressive ).

 

I think you seem to like the romantic, idealistic, dramatic, seemingly " passionate " dynamics here.....but reality has to hit you in some way.

 

He said similar things. That I am jsut starting my life and he is set in his ways, old and stuck in his hometown. However the truth of the matter is I have never been this attracted to someone. It's very hard for me to find that dynamic that you almost make fun of. It's important for my happiness. Therefore he also has something rare to offer (even if he is not offering it).

 

I wish I knew why he didn't want a relationship mostly. Is it

1. The depression and his belief that he will fail if he tries

2. Fear/guilt of hurting me

3. Just not that into me (he said he thinks I am an 8 or above for him - because I specifically asked)

4. Distance/logistics

 

He mainly focused on reasons 1 & 2. But he also said he only had 3 relationships. So how can he know?

[Batya33]

What would you gain from knowing -isn't knowing he doesn't want a relationship with you enough information? Maybe he's not clear on why. I think relationships -especially long distance- are hard enough when both people want the commitment 100% and a non-starter when one does not. I've been on both sides of this situation for what it's worth. I know it's hard. I wouldn't be married now if I had wasted even more time ruminating over the "why".

[camus154]

Everything in this interaction screams " No, forget about it! ".

 

1. It's long distance.

2. He has already stated he doesn't want a relationship.

3. He has psychological problems.

4. You are 27 yrs old ( just about to enter your prime as a woman where you will have so much power in every single way ) and he is a 40 yr old man, well past his prime with psychological problems ( a depressive ).

 

I think you seem to like the romantic, idealistic, dramatic, seemingly " passionate " dynamics here.....but reality has to hit you in some way.

 

This. OP, I understand there are tons of emotions at play here, but emotionally mature people balance their feelings with their head. Please do yourself this favor.

[Aarya]

Everything in this interaction screams " No, forget about it! ".

 

1. It's long distance.

2. He has already stated he doesn't want a relationship.

3. He has psychological problems.

4. You are 27 yrs old ( just about to enter your prime as a woman where you will have so much power in every single way ) and he is a 40 yr old man, well past his prime with psychological problems ( a depressive ).

 

I think you seem to like the romantic, idealistic, dramatic, seemingly " passionate " dynamics here.....but reality has to hit you in some way.

 

 

 

I know I shouldn't but I cannot help thinking the following;

 

1. It's long distance.

Yes, except I think he may have gotten a job offer in X city, where it is very likely I may also land a job (I am about to graduate).

2. He has already stated he doesn't want a relationship.

Yes, but he has also repeatedly stated that he is not sure about that, and he has stated he wants to try.

3. He has psychological problems.

Who doesn't? I do too.

4. You are 27 yrs old ( just about to enter your prime as a woman where you will have so much power in every single way ) and he is a 40 yr old man, well past his prime with psychological problems ( a depressive ).

I get along better with his age range. I knew the age difference going in, I actually prefer it. As for the depression, read point 3.

 

I think you seem to like the romantic, idealistic, dramatic, seemingly " passionate " dynamics here.....but reality has to hit you in some way.

 

^Isn't this very important for many people? It is for me.

[ToF]

Aarya ... He didn't repeatedly state he wasn't sure about it. He mumbled it, changed his mind again and again, and ultimately told you he doesn't want to be with you.

 

I have the feeling we could say he's a cannibalistic serial killer, and in your emotional state, you'd still try to rationalize it. Your answers to all of the points brought up by Minx may be valid, but they are just not realistic. You are starting to delude yourself here. That's a slippery slope.

 

EDIT: Look. I was recently in a very similar situation. My ex-boyfriend moved out-of-state and would not try a long-distance relationship. His reasons were exactly the same as this guy's reasons. In the end, though, all of those things are just fluff, even if they are true on some level. Because the only thing that matters, is that he does not care enough about you to try.

 

You need to walk away, and find someone who does.

[Aarya]

Aarya ... He didn't repeatedly state he wasn't sure about it. He mumbled it, changed his mind again and again, and ultimately told you he doesn't want to be with you.

 

I have the feeling we could say he's a cannibalistic serial killer, and in your emotional state, you'd still try to rationalize it. Your answers to all of the points brought up by Minx may be valid, but they are just not realistic. You are starting to delude yourself here. That's a slippery slope.

 

I know that you are probably right, I just have a tough time convincing myself. And I am constantly having a war within on what to do/not to do.

 

I also have been thinking about what orange1234 said on how we regret not doing things more than we regret doing things.

 

Of course I didn't and couldn't include all the details of hours of talking with him. But he did repeatedly go between not wanting a relationship to saying we had to try, or that one side of him wanted to try but the other side was afraid of hurting me etc etc. He even told me about a story about his sister and how she moved for a guy and how that ended badly for her implying he doesn't want that for me etc etc.

[ToF]

Do what you feel is best. Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way for it to really sink in.

[ToF]

PS - I added a bit to my last post, in case you didn't catch it.

[Aarya]

I read the edit. I think I know that it is true (that if he wanted it(me) enough he would try no matter what). However it hurts a lot of course therefore I think my mind keeps blocking and pushing it back. I just can't help but hold on to the little bit of hope, and keep wondering what if I tried hard enough? Did I give it any and every chance I could etc...

[ToF]

When you eventually accept that he chose not to be with you ... this will get easier. Blocking it out saves you from immediate pain, but once you accept it, you've gotten through the worst.

 

Speaking from experience, here. I wouldn't get off the couch or shower until I saw my situation for what it was: A lost cause. My ex also said he wasn't sure, that there was a part of him that wanted me there with him, and all of those other lovely things that gave me comfort at the time. Ultimately, though, those words were poison and the cure was accepting that if he'd wanted it badly enough, we'd have made it happen.

[Aarya]

Then why do they do it? Why do they keep telling you the maybe's and bull****?

[ToF]

It's easier for them. Saying maybe is always easier than a definitive answer. He didn't want to say yes, and if he said no, he'd have to deal with the repercussions.

 

Plus, there's the added bonus of keeping you on the back-burner in case he changes his mind/can't find someone better.

[Minx2012]

I am not making light or fun of the " romantic, idealistic, passionate dynamics " here. I experienced it too ( with my current boyfriend now ). HOWEVER, the context where we were falling madly and passionately in love was REASONABLE. We had MUTUAL, WHOLEHEARTED CONSENT on wanting to be together and to be "crazy" together. In your case, he is still unsure and as one poster said on here, he mumbled it, changed his mind over and over again.

 

You have already rationalised it in your head that this is right for you. No other poster can really change your mind but we can only provide a scope on which you can see things.

[Minx2012]

He said similar things. That I am jsut starting my life and he is set in his ways, old and stuck in his hometown. However the truth of the matter is I have never been this attracted to someone. It's very hard for me to find that dynamic that you almost make fun of. It's important for my happiness. Therefore he also has something rare to offer (even if he is not offering it).

 

I wish I knew why he didn't want a relationship mostly. Is it

1. The depression and his belief that he will fail if he tries

2. Fear/guilt of hurting me

3. Just not that into me (he said he thinks I am an 8 or above for him - because I specifically asked)

4. Distance/logistics

 

He mainly focused on reasons 1 & 2. But he also said he only had 3 relationships. So how can he know?

 

Also, you have to view the relationship in a much more mature light. Are you telling me that you asked him to RATE YOU based on like / love or whatever it is? ( See No. 3 of your own post ).

[Aarya]

Also, you have to view the relationship in a much more mature light. Are you telling me that you asked him to RATE YOU based on like / love or whatever it is? ( See No. 3 of your own post ).

 

Yes I asked. I ask him to rate everything from food to sneakers to that cat he saw on the street to how scared he is of moving to London. So in the spur of the moment I said rate me - and he did.

[ToF]

Bottom line, Aarya: You need someone who can give you more than this. He is not meeting your needs.

[Aarya]

So I should let go of the idea of meeting him once more, having him see me interact with his friends, be in his favorite places and possibly (just *possibly*) change his mind, reconsider etc? Do I give up on that? How many times in a lifetime do you meet someone whom you wake up to in the morning and go WOW? I just give up? Will I ever forgive myself for not trying 100%? Because I was afraid to get hurt?

[camus154]

Aarya, time to be blunt.

 

Wake up. He doesn't want to be with you. You're not worth enough to him to commit. The sooner you get that through your head, the better.

[Aarya]

Aarya, time to be blunt.

 

Wake up. He doesn't want to be with you. You're not worth enough to him to commit. The sooner you get that through your head, the better.

 

I suppose you are right. Although it is very painful hearing it in this way.

[camus154]

I suppose you are right. Although it is very painful hearing it in this way.

 

Well, nothing else seems to be sinking in. I'm sorry, but have some self respect. Everyone is practically screaming at you to let this guy go and you keep coming back with rhetorical "so I should give up hope? really? but I feel so amazingly about him..."

 

I know you're hurting, but you can't let your emotions run everything.

[Aarya]

Part of me wants to tell him I want to plan visits with him 4 times a year (one for every season). Nobody makes promises, I date whomever, have relationships, not stop my life for him. Try to make me happy. He said he doesn't know how to be happy (and then I remember how he was telling me how happy he was when he was holding me ). I kind of think (perhaps naively?) that he is not actively trying to date, and certainly not looking for a relationship.

 

I know this is a bad idea, but help me confirm that in my head please.

[Aarya]

Well, nothing else seems to be sinking in. I'm sorry, but have some self respect. Everyone is practically screaming at you to let this guy go and you keep coming back with rhetorical "so I should give up hope? really? but I feel so amazingly about him..."

 

I know you're hurting, but you can't let your emotions run everything.

 

I know I need to stop. It's just so hard right now. I am so weak. How do I do this? I wish I could erase every memory from my head so it stops torturing me (although I hate saying I regret it, I really don't...)

 

I keep repeating to myself. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want a relationship with me. It hurts a lot and helps only a little.

[Lily McFly]

AWWWWW man!!!!! I don't know exactly what to tell you but I can reallllly sense your disappointment! I wholeheartedly believe that not everyone is 'relationship material'. It seems counter intuitive, but not everyone can live with someone else, or date, etc.... He obviously reallly likes you, so I think for him to BE ABLE to tell you that he isn't relationship material, that he's not good at it, that he 'hurts' people (did you ask him specifically what that meant?) means a lot and you HAVE to believe him. That's one piece of advice I've gotten and it is so true...when someone TELLS you something, they are telling you something and you really have no choice but to let that be your guide. I wish it were the other way. This is heartbreaking. And it wouldn't be so bad if there weren't the distance as another obstacle. I'm sorry for you. If it doesn't work out, you WILL get over it in time, and reading others' posts on here can help that immensely!

[Aarya]

Thank you so much. I'm torn between knowing that you are right and not being able to accept/digest it.

[camus154]

You ask "how do I do this", but what you're really asking is "how do I make the pain and confusion stop"? The truth is, you don't need to DO anything to move past this.....that happens on its own.

 

And the short answer is, you don't. Instead of resisting it, allow yourself to go through it. Experience it. Give yourself some time to wallow in the pain and feel in the dumps. Allow yourself time to process it.

 

But have a deadline. There is a time and a place to mourn, but neither are infinite. Once the deadline's passed, time to start moving on. Doesn't mean you won't still be hurt or be confused, but you no longer allow yourself to focus on that.

 

And be honest with yourself here. Although you've known this guy online for years, in reality you've spent 1 week with him. Keep your emotions in check with this perspective. No matter how great of a guy he supposedly is, quite simply you should not be mourning him like you would the death of a husband of 20 some years.

 

Good luck.