BF Says He Wants Me to "Feel Able to Fight with Him and ... then Make Up"

[Silverbirch]

Nobody,least of all ANY of the men I have ever been with have said this to me. Of course he doesn't mean physically fight involving violence. He told me he thinks I should be able (and feel safe enough) to be able to "fight with him, call him out on his crapp, tell him he is being a when he is, that he won't dump me if I do . . . . and then we should make up."

 

I did take him up on the invitation, though it was with some trepidation. I have only ever been involved with men who have extremely strong personalities. In a strange and different sort of way, this one has the strongest personality. I would say he is the most GENUINELY confident, unlike the others, doesn't give a rat's bottom what anyone thinks of him, and takes perverse pleasure in anyone thinking him eccenteric. I like it.

 

Is anyone else in this situation with a partner or has anyone said this to you, and how did it work out in the longer-term. Thanks in advance.

[lavenderdove]

Ummm, wouldn't it just be better if he decided to control his 'crap' rather than making you responsible for fighting with him about it? What he says is disturbing because it means he wants you to play the role of his mother/controller/monitor rather than taking responsibility for his own bad behavior and trying not to do it to begin with.

 

And if he is being a jerk and behaving badly a lot and not controlling his behavior, then you SHOULD dump him. And he SHOULD care about what you think of him and try to please you rather than forcing you in the role of constantly having to fight with him to keep him under control.

 

I would sit him down and tell him that a relationship involves compromise, not one person policing the other and fighting just to try to get him to be nice or behave as an adult. He needs to start owning his own bad behavior, and owning that he needs to stop it.

[android]

I wouldn't go to extremes like lavenderdove mentioned.. Maybe he just wants u to be open and frank about things and not just "dump" him. I'll tell you one thing, which you might already know, not all people are all the same at all times.. The change and things change them temporarily or forever. There maybe times when he might end up behaving like an a**hole. It happens. And he needs you to be frank with him and tell him on the face when that happens. He's in control. He just needs you to be free. And more than anything he values you and your opinion. I've said something similar to my girl when we first decided to be in a relationship. I told her I wanted her to be clear with me about her feelings. If i behaved like a jerk or hurt her with my actions or words, i told her to be open about it. Fight with me if she had to but make it clear. It happens a lot with girls usually, they keep things in the mind, it brews and finally erupts one day to a huge problem. Or they just ignore and stop the whole thing without warning. So I'd say, dont take him to be a control freak just coz he told you this... Go with the flow. "What's comin will come and we'll face it when it does." ~ Jk.Rowling.

 

Good luck!

[Silverbirch]

God, I'm not going to mother, police or monitor anyone!!!! I don't think that is quite what he meant LD.

 

I think that at least part of it is that he knows I have been with people where I did put up with a lot - and his behaviour is NOTHING like theirs, and not the same type of STUFF especially my ex-ex. I don't think with I would have to "constantly" speak out loud and clear. To me it is seeming that he has realised that in the past at least, I have not had adequate boundaries in my relationships. I didn't speak up in those relationships when I should have because deep down, I was scared of being dumped if I did. In fact, when I did assert myself in those relationships, I was promptly replaced with newer, fresher women - and those relationships incidentally didn't last long and the men tried worming their way back into my life - but I had moved on.

 

Pardon me LD, I just find it a bit harsh for you to come to such a harsh judgement when in the last couple of days, he has really gone out of his way for me in ways none of those other men would have, and I also get to see the many good sides to him.

[FathomFear]

He may have just worded himself poorly. In other words, his basic message just might be "I want a partner who's confident in challenging me, who isn't passive, and who actively engages in discussions and has a will as strong as mine".

 

On the flip side, if he genuinely wants "fights" that could be a sign that he was raised in an environment where fights were a common occurrence. He might see them as "normal". This is actually a common condition for people who were raised in these settings. They see fights as normal/healthy. If you think that's the case, I'd work with him on changing that perception.

[Silverbirch]

Android, thanks so much for your post. I really think that you have hit the nail on the head in how it has come accross to me. It is just that this is so different to any of the other relationships I have been in. I have told friends I have had for over 20 years about stuff my most recent ex did towards the end of the relationship - when I didn't know it was about to end - and basically, I did sommersaults not to upset him - as did some members of his family. This guy is nothing like that.

[pinkelephant]

He may have just worded himself poorly. In other words, his basic message just might be "I want a partner who's confident in challenging me, who isn't passive, and who actively engages in discussions and has a will as strong as mine".

 

On the flip side, if he genuinely wants "fights" that could be a sign that he was raised in an environment where fights were a common occurrence. He might see them as "normal". This is actually a common condition for people who were raised in these settings. They see fights as normal/healthy. If you think that's the case, I'd work with him on changing that perception.

 

The first interpretation is how I saw it. I think too many times people think fights are bad but they're not. Not always.

[Silverbirch]

He may have just worded himself poorly. In other words, his basic message just might be "I want a partner who's confident in challenging me, who isn't passive, and who actively engages in discussions and has a will as strong as mine".

 

On the flip side, if he genuinely wants "fights" that could be a sign that he was raised in an environment where fights were a common occurrence. He might see them as "normal". This is actually a common condition for people who were raised in these settings. They see fights as normal/healthy. If you think that's the case, I'd work with him on changing that perception.

 

Hi FF,

I KNOW he wants a partner who is confident. I know he likes women who assert themselves, and he doesn't like a lot of the stereotyped female behaviour. I don't think he was raised in an environment where there was a lot of open fighting - to the contrary, I think there was a fair amount of passive aggression and covert controlling behaviour from one female sibling. He looks poorly on that type of behaviour.

[itsallgrand]

He's just saying, in my point of view, that he wouldn't mind it if you crank it up and be a little more aggressive with him sometimes.

 

It can be a turn on - especially if things are sailing along smoothly and a person feels safe. Just a hormone kick in the butt. Keeping things real...and varied.

 

Some people really hate confrontation and will do anything to get out of it, other people embrace it and even enjoy it. Ok there is a difference and it needs to be distinguished if confrontation is being created solely for the sake of confrontation and kicks - some people do that as a replacement for genuine feelings and/or working things through in other ways.

 

But there is also just the type of personality (like me) who enjoys a good tangle as much as the gooey warm feelings with someone I care about. Not in disrespect nor to hurt, but because it actually can be another way of being with someone.

[In the Dark]

Sounds to me like he is letting you know to not bottle up any issues you may have with him, or bite your tongue so to speak, in the worry that all the bottling up turns to resentment and ends up as a rocky relationship where neither of you speak up but notice that underlying feeling of disliking.

 

I think he wants you to state the issue if he is being dub or if it simply does annoy you.

[penelope13]

I also took it in a positive way: he is just telling you that it's ok to have a different opinion than him and straight out saying it without fearing consequences for the relationship. I think in a healthy relationship that should be a given, but unfortunately it seems that many people are very afraid to speak their minds for fear of consequences and thus problems don't get resolved properly.

[Tom1990]

A lot of people will dump their partner if they don't get enough discussion from them on opposing viewpoints. I think it's rare for someone to actually request it.

 

Here's an example of when I wished I got some argument. I told my last girlfriend that I wasn't sure if I believed in God anymore. She's very religious. She just kinda hmmphed and left it at that. I would have preferred a philosophical debate on spirituality, gods, and humanity in general. I could have pressed the issue and coaxed it out of her, but I didn't want to push the argument. Too bad.

 

I'd double-check with him and get some assurance that he'll be understanding if you take things to far, because this is something that can potentially go too far in the opposite direction.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks all. I posted on another recent thread in response to somebody else's query, that my most recent ex (16 months ago b/u) was a clinical psychologist who had also studied law. Even though to outsiders and myself in the earlier part of the relationship, he appeared very reasonable and refined,nobody in his life was ever able to disagree with him or call him out on his stuff. I had thought that he was becoming depressed at the end of that relationship as he was being failed on his pHd after having originally put in a lot of work and then no work on it for a long time. That really was only part of the problem it seemed . .. . but more to the point, nobody could ever disagree with him. Ex before that developed bipolar after we had been together 8 years - I stayed another 2. I spent the last couple of years of both those relationships walking on eggshells.

 

Current man describes himself as "an old grouch" which can be true if he is extremely tired, but he does own that and it isn't all the time

[mhowe]

SB --- I think he has been listening to you talk of your ex's, your boundaries --- and is just encouraging you to own your voice. That you are free to say what you are feeling, w/out fear of rejection or reprisal. That he is not interested in always being right, or being "in control". It seems to me that he is simply encouraging you to be authentic w/ him....as he is with you. That you need not accommodate that which goes against your grain. All healthy and wonderful.

[Silverbirch]

THANK YOU SO MUCH MHOWE. YOU POSTS ARE ALWAYS VERY ENCOURAGING!

[mhowe]

THANK YOU SO MUCH MHOWE. YOU POSTS ARE ALWAYS VERY ENCOURAGING!

 

Wow -- all caps! Hey -- meant to post yesterday @ your med situation -- hope all is well. You deserve happiness! And health!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Mhowe,I'm feeling very well and going back to work tomorrow.

[lavenderdove]

>>'this one has the strongest personality..... doesn't give a rat's bottom what anyone thinks of him, and takes perverse pleasure in anyone thinking him eccenteric.'

 

Well, i'm giving my opinion based on what you are telling me... what you say there is all well and good until he stops caring about what YOU think of him, then that can create problems...

 

My point is that it is normal to have disagreements and differences of opinion BUT if there is frequent fighting and head-butting, that can take its toll on the relationship, and 'eccentricity' can shift into the 'jerk' zone. As long as he is treating you well and you are not fighting bitterly (or frequently), then just have fun with it.

[Zoom2]

Oh Dear...when i saw this, i thought you were talking about my BF>.........you are not alone here, my BF is also like this, pride himself in not giving a rat about what other people think(including me sometimes)....also told me that i should cut him a slack for behaving like a a*** sometimes because he is only human...and also he said since we have been together for so long, he can comfortably treats me like a family (which means, like sh**).

I did take up his offer to call him out a few times....but when i did, he said i was creating drama and being too sensitive and that i need to just get over it....and like the other user said, he should be the one who is mature enough, man enough to control his behavior to begin with....not counting on the girlfriend to call him out.....

 

I dont know your whole story, or how well you get along overall...but my story is a lot more than just this....but i will tell you this, i get tired and feel like i have lost a big part of me after having to deal with this for years.

[Silverbirch]

Sorry I have a bad connection. Thanks for replies. Back tonight.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Zoom2,

I just finished reading all of your started threads and some of your responses to other posters threads, and I can tell you that the guy I am with is NOTHING like yours in EVERY way. More relevantly to you though is that your current partner reminds me of my ex-ex - but even he wasn't abusive in many of the ways yours is. However, my ex-ex turned out not to only be cheating but to be living a double-life. Your partner is abusive in almost every way possible. I can tell you that I find my ex-ex totally repugnant now, and I will never, ever be with a person like him ever again. You sound stuck in a terrible rut by staying with him when you could obviously do so much better. I was quite shocked by some of your posts outlining things he does.

 

If you don't have a bunch of good girlfriends outside of cyberworld, I think you are past due in getting some and going out with them regularly for a good time. I think you should get rid of that guy as soon as you can. He has absolutely nothing to offer you - or probably any other woman either.

 

Lavenderdove - thanks for your clarification.

[nutbrownhare]

You don't say how long you and this guy have been together, but my ex partner was very keen to tell me in the early days to 'Call him on it', when he interrupted me, talked accross me or was disrespectful. He'd been accused of this in the past, wasn't aware of it and sincerely wanted to change.

 

It was a rather different matter when I actually did confront him - gently - about this kind of stuff. He also asked me how I handle rows, I mean in the really early stages of the relationship, when you might be asking the other person what their favourite food is. I ended up moving in with him, for a brief spell, and it was the most unpleasant, verbally abusive relationship I've ever been in - by a long way. I wish I'd taken more notice of the fact that he wanted me to be responsible for him changing his disrespectful, bullying behaviour. Surprise surprise, guess who he held responsible when he behaved like a disrespectful bully! I wish I'd paid more attention to the fact that he felt he was in competition with me and wanted to be in charge - whilst telling me he wanted to hear my thoughts.

 

I don't know about you, but I prefer compassion to fighting in relationships. I prefer stability to the drama of fighting and then making up. There are obviously times when two people are going to have differing opinions and conflict will arise - but this is not the same as going into a relationship where the other person is prepared for, expects and welcomes a fight. For some people the highly charged confrontation of fighting is a replacement for intimacy, even though it's trying to masquerade as that. Making up can even foster an illusion of closeness, but it is pseudo-closeness rather than the vulnerability which is an inevitable part of a healthy relationship. Does someone who wants you to feel able to fight with him really trying to offer you a safe place?

 

If you don't want a relationship which is founded on conflict rather than negotiation, then back off in as seemly a fashion as you can muster. That's certainly what I'd do.

[quirky]

I see this as very normal request and one that leads to an honest relationship. It's about being real and free. I seek that too.. but some people find me passionate or intense for it if they're not on the same wavelength. But I can't imagine any other way of being tbh, you can't control or filter everything all the time, we're all about primitive instincts as much as intellect.

[Batya33]

I agree he's telling you to stand up to him but it seems like an odd way to express that.

[Sapientia]

Sounds like he has a more aggressive/fiery conflict style and you do not.

 

According to some literature I've read, it's not that aggressive is bad per se, just bad when its not the other partner's natural style:

 

fiery/fiery = good relationship

passive/passive = good relationship

fiery/passive = higher chance of divorce/dissolution of relationship

 

So, even tho the first pair may argue a lot, it works for them.