BF Says He Wants Me to "Feel Able to Fight with Him and ... then Make Up"

[journeynow]

When my parents got married my dad told my mother he didn't want ANY fighting. I never saw them fight, nor openly disagree, but things could feel mighty tense and unpleasant. He also punished us kids if we fought. (We fought when he wasn't around, AND made up, and I value those times, they often brought us kids closer.)

 

My take on what your BF said is that it is safe to disagree, the two of you are strong enough to handle it. He won't take offense when you set boundaries and let him know when he's crossed the line. There is a balance of power between you, perhaps. Not being there to see his face or hear his tone of voice, I'd take the "and then we should make up" part as playful tease, meant to be light hearted and flirty, but it's also about being able to let things go, not holding onto grudges. (I could be wrong, but that's how I'd read it.)

[journeynow]

He told me he thinks I should be able (and feel safe enough) to be able to "fight with him, call him out on his crapp, tell him he is being a when he is, that he won't dump me if I do . . . . and then we should make up."

 

I also think this means that he wants to learn how to be with you. Sometimes we don't know if we are simply speaking our truth, trying to assert ourselves, and when we are over the line and stepping on another's toes. Let him know when you feel disrespected. I think he'd rather you told him than keep it bottled up and build resentment. My hope is he's pointing out that he won't resent you for being straightforward.

[journeynow]

SB --- I think he has been listening to you talk of your ex's, your boundaries --- and is just encouraging you to own your voice. That you are free to say what you are feeling, w/out fear of rejection or reprisal. That he is not interested in always being right, or being "in control". It seems to me that he is simply encouraging you to be authentic w/ him....as he is with you. That you need not accommodate that which goes against your grain. All healthy and wonderful.

 

Yes, this ^, and you calling him out when's he's over the line helps make those boundaries clear. He might one that finds those boundaries by bumping into them or crossing over them (at least in the beginning) rather than one to send out radar waves or try to intuit or guess or assume what they are. Does that make sense? What are obvious boundaries to some are not so clear to others.

[Silverbirch]

I so appreciate all of your replies. I actually slept in until 11am today!!!!!!!! Didn't get home until midnight. There was the heaviest fog I have ever driven through - I couldn't even see my own driveway. It's been quite a big week with the hospital and all, but I feel great and on way to work - stopping by to get a few things to cosy up my home more.

 

D will be the first person to admit that he isn't great with words. He's just not gifted that way. I don't think fight was a great word to use. If he had been more of a charmer, like my more recent ex, he would have said something like: "I really value independent, assertive women, and I value your opinions, so always feel free to disagree with me or tell me if I've inadvertently made you feel uncomfortable." My ex was all shiny on the outside, but he would NEVER have enocuraged a woman or anyone to do that.

 

NB, we have been together 10 months, but knew each other around 18 months before that. First we were acquainted (he was my farrier - we both have a love of horses). That developed to friendship prior to my breakup, and then 6 months after the breakup, be began seeing each other. It's certainly been different to what most people would experience. I was diagnosed with cancer 4 months into the relationship and he was hospitalised and faced the prospect of losing a leg a few weeks prior to my diagnosis. He was on his own for many, many years prior to involvement with me, and each of us brought up a child on our own. If the relationship doesn't work out - which is always a possiblity - I think I have still met a friend who I am glad came into my life, and I know he feels the same way. We have never lived together alhtough we have discussed it as a possiblity later on. We recently decided to see how things are going in around a years time.

 

My gut instinct tells me this is as JN describes. Anyway, gotta go. Have a great day all.

[Ayanokōji]

Girls expect men to read their minds.

 

Hes basically saying, if you got something to say then say it. Don't play mind games or tip toe around it.

[Silverbirch]

You know, since I started this thread, I've realised that maybe good to mostly go as we have, but from time to time, no need to think out my words so as to come accross with some sensitivity. He is, as I mentioned, a blunt person at times whereas I think I am much better with words than he is, and I usually try to take a calm approach to a lot of things. I'm not one for going in there gung-ho and like a bull at a gate. I find it tiresome.

 

Over the weekend, (I hadn't seen him due to both of us working), he came home from his work to find that somebody had tried to break into his home by wrenching a very solid door open with crowbar. He was very, very angry and upset as well as tired. Both of us were tired. I decided that it would be best for me to change plans and not stay with him that night. We talked at length on the phone about our days, and there was actually some laughing, and I told him that I know there are times when it's best to just leave him be, and this is one of those times. He agreed and said that he knew he wouldn't be great company as he would be angry and cranky, but that by tomorrow, he would feel a lot better.

 

Earlier in the relationship, I probably would have just gone over. Neither of us would have slept well and both of us would be crankier in the morning. I know that with his ex-wife (from 20 years ago), those sorts of scenarios led to lots of petty arguing, and eventually, they couldn't stand each other. We have had nights in the past where we were kept awake by outside disturbances and neither of us are great when we are sleep deprived.

 

Whilst I might choose not to get into constant silly arguments about things that aren't important, if there is a situation which is important, I will speak honestly and I will disagree with him. Right now, I AM feeling very safe and secure in this relationship, and I know that disagreeing with him isn't going to result in me being dumped. I think he was encouraging me to get to that place.

 

Another thing is that I believe that MY way of handling conflict seems to have a very calming effect on him, and I can and do reassure him that we can agree to disagree.

[Unreasonable]

Well, I don't know about the "calling him out on his crap" and instigating fights, but I can say that the reason I married my wife is because she was the first person I COULD fight with where we could hash it out and be fine very quickly. It's a good quality to have. I think avoiding conflict because you're afraid it is going to lead to a breakup or whatever is not necessarily good. You shouldn't hold things in.

[mhowe]

Very true. My bf grew up in an avoidant household, and held that model in his head. Cant' say we've had many big arguements, but we say what we need to say, and put it behind us. He still trys to avoid on occasion, but has certainly come to understand that clearing the air and moving on is a better way to go.

[Silverbirch]

Well, I don't know about the "calling him out on his crap" and instigating fights, but I can say that the reason I married my wife is because she was the first person I COULD fight with where we could hash it out and be fine very quickly. It's a good quality to have. I think avoiding conflict because you're afraid it is going to lead to a breakup or whatever is not necessarily good. You shouldn't hold things in.

 

Well, BF said to me and I'm told said to his family that I'm the first woman he has ever known "who can handle him". I'm not 100% certain about the precise ways he meant. I agree about dealing with issues as they come to hand though - although I would say I'm generally a person who needs to think things through rather than shoot from the hip.