hers Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Oh NPG. I hate this for you. But your therapist is right...there is a pattern and you're the common denominator. And there are ways out of that pattern and it can start now! I second what one poster said. Change any direct deposits asap. Get just a paper check if you don't have a chance to open another account. Keep her away from your money starting now. Also, stop going to your and her family for support. It's not their business. Go about this on your own And only reach out to people who are truly supportive (you can't change your family so don't keep going to the hardware store and expecting them to sell you bread!). Work on getting out now and worry about family later. 5 years from now, they'll be glad you did. Keep us posted. We are here for you! Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Minor setback. The one lawyer I spoke with today quoted me double what I was told to expect for a no contest divorce. Got contact info for someone else, so hopefully some traction tomorrow. Came home, and wife called me anorexic tonight. I think she's running out of rude things to say.... Got an interesting call from my mother today that soon to be ex wife was belittling me to her over the weekend. All I have to say is wow - how bold of her to do that to my own mother about her son. My mother was just like - what was the point of that? Link to comment
Applewhite Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Minor setback. The one lawyer I spoke with today quoted me double what I was told to expect for a no contest divorce. Got contact info for someone else, so hopefully some traction tomorrow. Came home, and wife called me anorexic tonight. I think she's running out of rude things to say.... Got an interesting call from my mother today that soon to be ex wife was belittling me to her over the weekend. All I have to say is wow - how bold of her to do that to my own mother about her son. My mother was just like - what was the point of that? I guess in her twisted way she is trying to get them all to gang up against you or something. She succeeded with the father, so why not try the mother too she figured. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Hey NPG, in the wise words of pixar "Just keep swimming". Its a good idea to get a few different quotes from lawyers. Also, would your mom be willing to testify for you in a court hearing? Now you have a witness to the kind of things she says to/about you. I still think you should secretly record her saying these things to you. The more evidence you have the better. Just keep not reacting to what she says. How is the hunt for a living space going? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I want you to consider using a mediator for your divorce not a lawyer for right now. In fact you don't really need a lawyer if you don't have anything of value to split up. 7 months isn't long enough to get your lives that meshed. What are your assests really? What are your debts? You can go down to the courthouse or go online for your county and download all the information you need for a do it yourself divorce. Fill out the papers, go down and pay the 300 to 400 bucks and you are on your way. I was with my ex 20 years and we used a mediator. Lawyers are for fighting over stuff and it sounds like you don't own anything together. Google divorce in your county and do some reading. As far as what she told your mother goes. She is just making this easier on you by the day. Please look into the divorce stuff online today. Lost Link to comment
JA0371 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I agree with the above poster....the quicker you can end this the better. Belittling you to your MOM??? Wow.... What a sad person she is. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Hi all, thanks for all of the advice. I called a few lawyers. One quoted me an insane amount of money for a no contest divorce. I got a recommendation for another one, but we just played phone tag today - were not able to connect. I will look into doing it myself. Thanks for the tip, Lost! As for a place, no luck. I went hunting around on craigslist, sent some emails, and got nothing back yet. I have a cousin near by I could stay with, but I felt bad imposing on him, so I haven't said anything further to him. He knows what is going on, and offered that I could stay there, so maybe I'll talk to him again if nothing pops up online. This cousin actually just got divorced. He had such a peaceful one. He was with this really gorgeous girl, and for whatever reason he hasn't shared with me yet - it didn't work out. They did an easy no contest divorce. No money exchanged hands, no fighting. She actually moved out and lives right accross the street from him. He said they are good friends and talk on the phone often. They just realize the marriage never worked out, and they were cool with that. So, since I have no place to go yet, I havent' said anything to my wife about divorce. I was hoping to have it all under wraps tonight, because we have a counseling appt in a few hours. My plan was to break it to her in front of the the therapist, so if she flipped out, at least someone would see it all and perhaps she wouldn't in front of him. The other issue is what happens if she just waits until we get home and then she freaks out... Growing up with an abusive brother who is a drug addict, I've learned that police officers don't do a damn thing. When I was growing up, I had to call the police several times because he was becoming abusive, and guess what - every time the police showed up, I would explain the entire story, there was evidence all over the house of him throwing things, breaking things, broken glass, damaged walls and EVERY TIME - MY OWN PARENTS told the police nothing was wrong, it was their house, they should leave, and then they would ask me to leave, because they were mad that I called the police. That's exactly what they are doing to me now - it is just with my wife. They don't give a damn. Maybe because my dad and brother were like this, for whatever reason, my mom just thinks it is ok, so she and no one else stood up for me, so why start now....? So, I don't think I can trust the police to help me even if she does something. The other "out" that I have, and I'm debating about this, is my wife is going away on Fri-Sat - she'll be 2 hours away. I'm in great conflict, because she's actually going to a memorial service for her mother, who died 5 years ago of cancer. Horrible as this may sound, I could start the process, try to move out this weekend, and then call her once she's far away and say I filed. That way, let her blow up in front of her family, but is it wrong to do that when she's going for a memorial service? Yesterday, she told me she moved where we live now for me, and she's not leaving as long as I am here....I can't even begin to tell you how creeped out that made me. Tonight, I think I need to broach the subject with the therapist, but I don't feel safe coming out with the we are getting divorced - no exit strategy yet. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Take you cousin up on the offer and you can keep looking while you live there. Maybe offer to pay a bit of rent so you don't feel so guilty (you shouldn't btw), as for the police, they probably didn't do anything because your parents wouldn't press charges. They have laws and rules they have to follow like everyone else, at times even if they want to do something they cannot. So just keep them as an option in the back of your mind. And after everything she has put you though, what I would do is this: Get everything set up while she is away, move all of your stuff out, and leave a note explaining that you have filed for a divorce because of her abusive behavior. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 You don't need to bring up "Hey I'm filing for divorce." in therapy but you can say "I don't know how much longer I can take this." You can see how she reacts to that. Link to comment
hers Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I say move your stuff out while she's gone. Is it wrong b of what she's doing? Who cares. There's no better time to do it and you can't come up with reasons not to. You just have to do it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I think you can do this divorce yourself so look into the mediator route. basically our mediator just made sure it was all written out legal and covered everything the judge would want to see. The judge signed it with no problems. We never went to court and it went pretty smoothly. Okay this weekend is a perfect time to move out. You have a lot of loose ends like the lease, credit cards and savings/checking that need to be taken care of though. Call your credit card company and ask them what your options are to protect yourself from her running up all kinds of charges. The dirty way of doing it is reporting them lost and they will shut them down instantly. The problem with that is they will issue new cards right away with both your names on them still. You have a right to half the savings and checking so go open a new account at a totally different bank. Not just a different branch but a different bank so you have somewhere to transfer your money to and will be able to pay bills. Talk to your cousin. If he just went through a divorce he can help you a lot as you go through this. Talk about how much rent you will be paying him and for food and other things while you stay there. This way you will feel okay about it and he will feel okay about you being there. At this point I wouldn't tell her at therapy. You are leaving so there is no use trying to get her to change now. You can use the time to help yourself though. Talk to the therapist about how you seem to keep being involved with abusive women and does it have anything to do with your family life growing up. This will give her something to think about and you might get some insight into your life thus far. Leave her a note saying you have moved out and will not be returning. Let her know you will be filing for divorce and will contact her soon. Take only the things you know that are yours. Make sure you leave the place nice and clean as well. This isn't going to be easy but you have no more options. Lost Link to comment
hers Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Fully agree with lost and hurt. It is better for your sanity to do it this way Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 12, 2012 Author Share Posted July 12, 2012 I did some reading about lawyer vs doing it myself, and decided to go with a lawyer. I spoke with a few firms, and will go with someone recommended by my cousin and his ex wife actually. The guy is local and charges about half what the others wanted. He seems very nice and open. I didnt get a sense that he was out to get me. Assuming my wife can work with me to split bills and bank account balances, this should be a piece of cake. If she won't, it will cost a little more to have my lawyer document everything, and of course more if she wants to bicker. The other issue is the apartment. I think she would leave, but I'm also hoping I can get out of the lease early. Still have to ask my landlord that. I just want to rent a furnished room for maybe a year or so while I mentally get myself back together, and don't want to deal with a huge apartment. I obviously don't need it. I also want to move closer to my job, so the commute doesn't wear me down, and also so I can be close to the city to get out there and make some new friends. Still working out the where and when I'm going to tell her. To work it uncontested, we both need to be in agreement, so leaving her a note isn't going to work. I'm thinking maybe this weekend when she gets back, so she doesn't go down to her family all a mess, because then I will have all of them getting into our business, and thats the last thing I need. I think I just need to sell her on this is for the best of both us. I'm not going to get into accusations and bringing up the past. I'm just going to say its been hard, we are both not happy, and heres a way we can move on, be happy, and not sling mud all over each other. Fully agree with lost and hurt. It is better for your sanity to do it this way Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Don't speak for her, she has the right to make up her own mind whether she is happy or not. You just need to tell her that the marriage isn't working for you, that you want a divorce, that you have thought things through and know this is what you want - you won't change your mind. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Do you see what you are doing? You are trying to treat her like a rational, emotionally balanced human. She is not. You know she is not. You know that when you bring this up she is going to go off the deep end again. Yes, you COULD do it the way you want in your post, if she didn't have a history of yelling, throwing things, being emotionally and verbal abusive, etc. For your own safety you need a third party with you when you tell her. You could have your cousin come over to help you move some of your things over the weekend. When she gets back home have him wait in another room while you tell her. Link to comment
hers Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 When do you think you will move your stuff out? It's good you're going into this with a clear head. A lawyer may be good to keep you protected from the dirtiness that divorce sometimes causes Link to comment
hers Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Also agree that you're treating her like a rational adult. Her actions in the past have proven otherwise which is why I think a lawyer is a good idea Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 BTW what did the therapist say last night? Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 12, 2012 Author Share Posted July 12, 2012 I really don't like therapists, and I never wanted to go - especially not with her. What did he say? A bunch of garbage. People can change, we can work it out, we shouldn't give up...blah, blah, blah My wife said her usual - he thinks it's all me, he won't forgive me - BS She asked me to have dinner with her tonight (over email), and this was my response. "W hen I'm with you, I think about how mistaken you have been in saying in every way possible that I was never good enough. I am much more. I'm going to have a beer instead." Felt good. BTW what did the therapist say last night? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I really don't like therapists, and I never wanted to go - especially not with her. What did he say? A bunch of garbage. People can change, we can work it out, we shouldn't give up...blah, blah, blah My wife said her usual - he thinks it's all me, he won't forgive me - BS She asked me to have dinner with her tonight (over email), and this was my response. "W hen I'm with you, I think about how mistaken you have been in saying in every way possible that I was never good enough. I am much more. I'm going to have a beer instead." Felt good. Wow. That therapist IS crap. Sorry you got such a bad one. You wife is clearly good at manipulating people. Good for you for standing up to her in the email. Stay strong. Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 "W hen I'm with you, I think about how mistaken you have been in saying in every way possible that I was never good enough. I am much more. I'm going to have a beer instead." She may get the hint that you are not enthralled with her at the moment. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Couples therapy only works when a) both parties are interested in working on the relationship and b) both parties are being very honest. If either is missing then you are in trouble. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 Taking the high road is the best way to go and you know her better than any of us do but I agree that you are expecting her to take this well and from what you have told us I find that highly unlikely. In the end it is your choice and I applaud you for being civil and willing to sit down with her and explain that FOR YOU a divorce is the only option left. At that time you can let her know that you have made contact with a lawyer that is willing to help you both navigate the divorce process so it can be done as quickly as possible so you both can move on with your lives. Take the high road always. PS If she goes off on you just get up and walk away and stay the night with your cousin. Lost Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 I really don't like therapists, and I never wanted to go - especially not with her. What did he say? A bunch of garbage. People can change, we can work it out, we shouldn't give up...blah, blah, blah My wife said her usual - he thinks it's all me, he won't forgive me - BS Did you tell the therapist about the times she has been violent? Link to comment
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