NewPhillyGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Hi All, Ms. Darcy - That was my thought process all along. When our parents brought up counseling, I kept saying that. I don't understand how they could be so blind! If this was 10 years into a marriage, we had a few kids, and she was a reasonable person, counseling would be appropriate. Not even a year, abusive, and thinks the problem is majority that I don't forgive her - forget counseling. I'm 30 years old, and I want my life back. Lost - I keep looking for a place and minimal luck. I'm using craigslist just to find someone renting a room short term (a month), so I can have a place to stay while this gets sorted out and take minimal stuff with me. Also, if my landlord won't let me out of the lease, I don't want to sign another one. I wasn't planning to ask my landlord about that until after we have the divorce conversation. Reason is I don't want to risk her telling my wife anything, and then she'll pick up on something is going to go down. Wife is leaving today, and I'm staying home, so I'm hoping something will pop up. Plan is to have the conversation with her tomorrow. I asked the lawyer to hold off on sending the paper work until next week, so we could talk first, but now I'm thinking perhaps I should have him send it, so it can be part of the conversation with my wife. I've threatened her with divorce before, so she doesn't take me seriously. I want her to know I mean it this time and we're done. Hers - she's a pro. The more I think about some of the crazy things she's done in the past, the more I want to start writing this stuff down just in case I have to go to court, so I can recount some of it. Last night, she came home and tried to touch me, hold my hand and crap, and I just brushed her off. I stopped feeling attracted to her months ago. Physically, she's very attractive, but my eyes burn right through all of that now, and I can only think of the ugly things she's done. The last few times she's wanted sex, I just couldn't. Can't stand the thought of it with such an ugly person inside. DN - Yup, I told him. I don't get it. I told him specifically the other night - I do NOT FEEL SAFE in the same room as her. I do not go to events with friends or family with her anymore, because I'm tired of giving her opportunities to put me down, especially in public, which she has no shame in doing. We should work things out in this situation? Maybe he's short on patients now and wants to keep up his pay check.... Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 What does she mean you won't forgive her? Forgive her for what??? Link to comment
DN Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 If you were a woman the counselor would have told you to leave immediately because of the abuse - they are obligated to do so. I don't see why it should be any different because you are a man. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Does she acknowledge even a little bit that her behavior is bad? Ever apologize? What does she say or do when you turn down sex or affection? I'm wonderin if she is clueless or in denial Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Have the lawyer send the paperwork on through. Then when you speak to her you can say "I have hired an attorney and the divorce papers have been filed" This is you taking control of your life again. You don't need or want her permission to divorce her. This was never a real marriage anyways was it? Hit your cousin up. Like you said chance are she will leave and you can move back in and run out the lease or try and get out of it somehow. One thing at a time right now so secure a place to crash for the short term. After you tell her I don't see how you can stay there knowing the way she goes off. How do you feel about all this? Does it feel right to you? Is your stress level going down a little? Lost Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 First of all, let me say again thank you all for being there for me. Hers - it blows my mind. That's exactly what I say to her. What am I forgiving you for? Whenever there's an incident, she always says the problem we have is that I won't forgive her. It's garbage that I understand is typical of an abuser. The problem is she will not stop the abusive behavior. When I call her out on it, all she can do is redirect and blame me somehow. No, of course the problem isn't your behavior, but it's that I won't forgive you. Guess what - if you put a stop to this, there would be NOTHING to have to forgive you for. It's just more crap to manipulate me into thinking I'm the problem. DN - agree completely. They would have said leave, call the cops. I don't get this guy. He's not a good therapist obviously. Hers (again) - What she did a few days ago was elbow me, and when I asked "why did you do that" in the very next second, her answer was - do what? I didn't do anything. Plain denial. She did start to admit things in front of the counselor, but I don't care anymore. Too little, too late. When I turn down sex, she gets upset, goes down the manipulative path, and pouts - you don't love me anymore, why aren't you attracted to me. Well, because, you are freaking ugly on the inside. Lost - yup, just emailed him to send me all of the documentation. Hopefully, I get everything today, so I can file today. Thanks for asking how I feel. I feel alot of things right now. Real marriage? I don't think so. Did she ever love me? Maybe. Perhaps she loved me in the only way she's capable. Her family is abusive. She acknowledges that she grew up with it, so I think it is ingrained in her. I have seen other women in her family talk to their husbands and treat them like trash. I'm not trying to sound sexist, but I think usually it is the males, or at least popular belief is males are more likely the abusers. In her family, it is the strangest thing. Her mother had a reputation of having a terrible mouth. Her father is not so bad, but sometimes he can be. She has an aunt - same way - terrible mouth, has been divorced twice. One time, right in front of me, her young female cousin started verbally abusing her husband. I think there's just something weird in her family - the women just think they can treat their guys like crap. I think my wife has grown up seeing all of this, and she just thinks it is ok. Another problem we used to have was her controlling behavior. A big fight we had months ago was I needed my car to visit clients for work, and she was trying to tell me I had to get rid of it because she said so. Money was not an issue. We could more than afford the car, but she just thinks she's the boss. Long story short - I said to her the car is staying, and if you try that again, you will be going. It ended there, but the other abuse has not. Part of me feels like crap. When we decided to get married, I pushed myself to create a great life for us. I was living in a nice quiet, suburb, nice apartment, friends and family all around. I wanted to give her more - I applied for a job in another state that had much more responsibility. It was a big promotion for me, alot of work, moved away from everything, but I got a big salary increase, and we've been living a nice life, aside from all of this crap. I did it all because I wanted to show her a great time. In return, she complained about my job constantly, like everything else, and I feel completely taken advantage of. With all the extra money coming in, we were able to live a pretty lavish life, and she certainly lived it up with her family and friends. I hope I'm not sounding uppity. It's just what happened, and now I feel like a fool because she def took advantage of me, and treated me like total garbage in return. What kind of love is that? Do I feel my stress going down - a little - when I think about living on my own without her anymore, think about the idea of maybe/hopefully someday making more friends and maybe another girl, who won't treat me like this, god willing I break my pattern. Obviously a LONG road before I get out of this, and without any law enforcement involved...hopefully... As for today, the plan is just to work my butt off like usual, and then spend the night in the city relaxing and enjoying it. Tomorrow is the tough part.... Link to comment
Applewhite Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Just think when it's all over you will feel such a sense of RELIEF. It will be worth all that effort I think. Keep us posted. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Your doing great NPG. I advise, once everything has settled down a bit, finding a GOOD therapist for just yourself. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Does she work? How old is she. She desperately needs therapy on her own. I also encourage you to seek it out too to find out why you have such a pattern. But don't go back to the marriage counselor guy. Eesh. You don't sound uppity at all. It seems like you've done your part as much as you can. You can't do the entire marriage on your own. You can only do your part and hope your spouse does theirs. If not, then the marriage will fail. This isn't your fault at all. Don't ever believe what she says about you. At this point, is there anything stopping you or making you hesitate? Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Yes, she does. She's 28. Oh yes, I definitely feel that I'll need a therapist to discuss this with. I asked the lawyer for the papers. Just waiting for them. Hope he'll email today. I'm home alone today and most of tomorrow. She's coming back tomorrow night sometime, and it's a long drive for her, so it might not be tomorrow that I bring it up. I'm just thinking long drive = stress = worse reaction. It'll probably have to wait until first thing Sunday morning. Does she work? How old is she. She desperately needs therapy on her own. I also encourage you to seek it out too to find out why you have such a pattern. But don't go back to the marriage counselor guy. Eesh. You don't sound uppity at all. It seems like you've done your part as much as you can. You can't do the entire marriage on your own. You can only do your part and hope your spouse does theirs. If not, then the marriage will fail. This isn't your fault at all. Don't ever believe what she says about you. At this point, is there anything stopping you or making you hesitate? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Yes, she does. She's 28. Oh yes, I definitely feel that I'll need a therapist to discuss this with. I asked the lawyer for the papers. Just waiting for them. Hope he'll email today. I'm home alone today and most of tomorrow. She's coming back tomorrow night sometime, and it's a long drive for her, so it might not be tomorrow that I bring it up. I'm just thinking long drive = stress = worse reaction. It'll probably have to wait until first thing Sunday morning. Have an over night bag in your car ready before you tell her in case you need to make a fast get away. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Agree with moon tiger. Def tell her in person but get away as fast as you can. Link to comment
DN Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 The only caution about telling her in person is if she might get violent - because with someone like this you could find yourself in jail as she would likely accuse you of being violent towards her. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Have your cousin come over and jus be in another room or something. Or turn on a webcam to record. Something you can label as "evidence". Link to comment
Applewhite Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Have your cousin come over and jus be in another room or something. Or turn on a webcam to record. Something you can label as "evidence". I like the idea of having someone there! Sounds safer. And I am sure it will make you feel calmer and more confident, and she will have to tone it down. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 ^ oh I like that. Never considered the confidence thing. Yes it will def help! Even if you just want your cousin or someone to hide in the closet haha. Just make sure you're not alone behind closed doors! Gah chris, I really feel for you here. But I'm proud of you for take a hold of your life! Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 May not be possible. My cousin works on weekends. I like the idea of having someone there! Sounds safer. And I am sure it will make you feel calmer and more confident, and she will have to tone it down. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Is there anyone? A friend? A relative? Someone who understands and can be supportive... Link to comment
DN Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Given her history, I would be very careful about telling her in person without some sort of back up. You need to protect yourself here, this could get very nasty. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 May not be possible. My cousin works on weekends. The have a recording device on you and have it recording a good 5 minuets before she gets home. If she does become violent RUN outside and yell for help and/or call the police. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Also, take a few house and right down a list of the stuff you own. Actually, take a picture of all your things. Once your out she may try to destroy your things. But with evidence it will be much easier to take her to court and get money to replace your things. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Nothing from the lawyer yet... I love technology. Took pictures of everything in a snap. Also, take a few house and right down a list of the stuff you own. Actually, take a picture of all your things. Once your out she may try to destroy your things. But with evidence it will be much easier to take her to court and get money to replace your things. Link to comment
hers Posted July 13, 2012 Share Posted July 13, 2012 Good for you! Be sure to keep us posted. We are here for you! Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 So, here's the problem. -Nothing from the lawyer yet. Maybe he wasn't working yesterday. No idea, but I have no papers in hand. -I've been finding rooms for rent, but the decent ones want me to sign a 1 year lease. No point unless 1) she's leaving and 2) I can break my current lease. I guess I'm going to have to just record everything whenever I get the papers from him. If she gets crazy, I'll just leave. She called me this morning, and is putting on the whole puppy dog act - let's talk, I miss you, what are you doing today, people are asking of you, blah, blah, Sounds like it's about time for me to type up that list of things she's done. Link to comment
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