New Journal

[Silverbirch]

Oh yes me too IAG. I was out yesterday and Ai had 2 cafe coffees made for me and it makes me feel a bit shake your. Definitely notice a difference for the better with having one homemade milkshake and cutting back on coffee. I like the Twinnings Teas - Irish Breakfast and Lady Grey.

[itsallgrand]

I'm thinking about my cousin. I understand the cycle of abuse. And she grew up seeing her mom take it. And her mother standing by and doing nothing while he hurt them too.

 

But now her husband is beating her. And she has three kids. She showed up to a bbq and she was covered, black and blue. The kids were there and saw it. They saw it. God it makes me so sick. I want to wrap those little babies up in my arms and carry them away. I want to wrap my cousin up too and carry her away; but I know that won't work, this has been the pattern of her life. How many times , and how many kids later?

 

I can understand why she doesn't think she deserves better.

 

But I guess I don't understand how that trumps the instinct to want to protect your children.

 

I don't have children. But I feel that instinct around kids. And I would imagine as a mother, take what I feel by 10 or 50 times stronger.

 

Or not?!

 

Whatever the case, as much as I feel for my cousin right now, I still am angry at her for not protecting those kids. And it surged up old anger for all the adults I've known growing up who were like that.

 

No matter how much I learn or how much more understanding and empathy I have for adults with our infinite issues that can span so deep and wide, I just can't..I can't feel more for them when they have some choice in the matter and they choose themselves and their issue over an innocent kid. The kid has nothing else, no choice, to me, it's like kicking someone when they are already down on their knees.

Any animal will turn and do otherwise disguisting things when desperate enough, but I don't get this, I just dont, you aren't as desperate as you seem to think yourself, and that is on you, damn it, on you.

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;pojL_35QlSI] ]

 

This song always made me think of that part of my family. The part that is a hive of dysfunction, and wanted me to shut up. Guess what. I'm so glad I'm not part of all that.

 

I'm here if any of those little kids need a place to turn to. And I'd never tell them to sssshhh.

 

Maybe this is where my passionate for protecting and caring for the vulnerable was forged in. Being in that position, and knowing what it is like. To have people tell you to shut up and you are causing trouble. Just so they can continue with their dysfunction. Sacrificing others on that altar. And it makes me really sick, it's like a weird cult. A cult of terror of being alone. Being with anything or anyone is better than being on your own or having someone walk away.

 

Well bullsh/t. And you never are alone when you are willing to tell the truth. The people that love you, will be there. It's really true.

 

Thanksgiving weekend and I'm going to thank each every person who was there for me and loved me even when it wasn't easy, because they believe and know how important it is to do what is right. First and foremost, what is right.

 

No wonder I am the way I am. And I like the way I am, for the most part. I'm genuine. I'm loving. And I can be counted on. I like that about myself. You know what you are getting.

[itsallgrand]

I talked to some of the family last night. Gave them information about filing police reports. They were claiming 'oh, she called, but she didn't give any names, so they can't do anything.'

I told my other cousin and my mom last night, you know that anyone can call the police and make a report and the police will have to follow it up? If I hear my neighbour being beaten on, I can report that, and the police will check it out. And it's zero tolerance. So even if she doesn't want to file a report, the police will have to by law if there is indication there of someone being hurt. There was a lot of indications in this case. My cousin is covered all down her front and back and her neck and her face. Her little sons saw the whole incident, and have been telling people. Her one son jumped on his dads back when he saw him attacking his mom (my cousin). His dad smashed my cousins face into the stairs too and her son was involved in all this. He is scared to see his dad. My cousin is staying with her sister. She didn't go to the hospital either. And she is talking about letting those kids go see their dad, and people are saying "well she has to".

 

I'm not around to see all this, only hear it and get the news after the fact. I said to my mom last night 'please dont tell me she and the rest of them let him see those kids, alone". They did.

I do not understand these people at all!!!!

He was crying because he didn't want to go see dad. Well no sh/t. He saw his dad beating on his mom. He's scared!! He's only five!!!

 

I know she is afraid of her husband, but what is the rest of theirs excuse. Her sister? Her family? Anyone who was around and saw her and knew about it? They are claiming ignorance on knowing you can tlak to the police. I don't /ing buy it, but of course I didn't say that, I just gave a whole bunch of information and resources and asked if they weren't sure if they weren't sure about something, ask me, and I'll find out, and if I don't know, I'll talk to someone who does, but those kids need to be safe.

 

Just argh. Very sad for all that and it's been hard not to think of them.

[itsallgrand]

Today I make pies and meatballs.

 

Using moose hamburger. Ssssh.

[itsallgrand]

I've read your post so many times, TOV. I just love it. It is a perfect reminder. Self care. Self love. Keep going in that direction. Keep chipping away at what holds me back from doing that fully.

I love the idea of seeing my brain on a scan. It makes sense to me why it would be such a powerful experience. Years ago, I saw my bf at the times scan, and I had something similar to that feeling. This wave of softness and love for him. As a human being. All the things he was struggling with at the time. Seeing him in his hospital gown and him on the tables, and seeing the pictures of his brain, and having it explained, I felt so humbled by it. Even remembering it now, it brings up these feelings of love and tenderness.

 

I got a prescription filled for the clonazapam. I haven't taken any, but it's sitting here. Thank you for the info you learned from your neuro. That really made a strong impression on me.

I had a bit of the impression that they could be taken more than that without the risk of a dependency. It is clear to me from reading more and from hearing from you and others, these medications are HIGHLY addictive. Something to be aware of. I haven't taken it totally off the table, but I am going to do my absolute best to continue how I have been and avoid that route if at all possible. I'm not going to judge myself though if there ever is a time I feel like that is something I want to do. The goal here is my wellness.

 

So with that in mind.

 

Something that happened around this summer is that I have been putting more effort into my appearance. The first time in years, I have gone out of my comfort zone regularly with my clothes and I've even been wearing dresses and heels on occasion. Doing my hair, wearing some make up.

On the one hand, it feels really good. I've been told I'm not bad looking, and I never felt ugly - I feel average generally, pretty enough but not a stunner.

But since I have been dressing up and putting more effort in, I've gotten a lot more attention and lot more compliments on my appearance.

I must admit, I am sort of disappointed by this on one level.

That the silly tricks work; but so well, to influence how others view me. I go from "cute" to "hot" just because I dress up and straighten my hair? Wear girl clothes? Accessorize?

But on another level, I always knew this. I knew it when I was a teenager and dressed like a boy, and when i first started really dating, I wanted a man who wasn't hung up on all that. So I waited until a man liked me already in my crappy gear as opposed to having chosen me when I was in dress up mode.

And I sort of did it again.

Because it's not only randoms, but the person I am seeing now, he first met me and I was not dressed up. And as he has gotten to know me, he didn't see me dressed up very much at all. He saw me pretty scrubby most of the time.

And he has always complimented me on my appearance, and been great about that. But now that he has seen me put effort in more than a few times, he has mentioned how he thinks I don't necessrily realize how attractive I am. He calls me a babe, and that's pretty funny to me. Me; a babe, it's just not how i have ever thought.

But I am starting to think he is on to something. I think I have used clothing and staying scrubby as a way to downplay that aspect of me, and to hide it in a way.

Maybe residuals of being young and getting unwanted attention when I 'looked good'. But more than that. Having to do with expectations. To be out there and owning your appearance is to put yourself out there, and to make yourself available. And I think I have tried to avoid that a lot in my life.

 

another thing about him. Things have been great. Last night though, he went out with some friends and I guess they had some drinks. That's no problem. I encouraged him to go have fun with them. We will see each other this weekend and that is good enough for me. He sent some texts though and asked to video briefly, and he had been drinking. Nothing 'bad' I guess. But he did kinda freak me out a bit, though I didn't tell him that. He said he was a bit drunk and wanted to tell me all that he feels. That he loves me so much. Sees this long future for us. Can picture it going all the way, marriage, babies, everything.

 

He knows me enough to know cool and slow is what is making this work for me. It makes me happy. And it's not abnormally slow, not even by standards that aren't my own (and I recognize my standards are really cautious and slow, too much so, and I'm working on that).

 

Should I say anything or just let it pass because he had been drinking. Right now I'm leaning to letting him bring it up if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to, I'll not make a deal out of it, because he very rarely drinks like that and it's not going to come up a situation like that again (and if it did, the issue would be the drinking then, for me).

 

So yeah. Just wanted to have my tiny little expression of freak out here and let it go.

[itsallgrand]

What does it mean to be really truly ready for a relationship?

 

I can't figure out if the problem is me, or if I haven't found the right person. I suppose it could be both. Or neither.

 

Do I feel ready? Yes. I feel ready and on point to commit to the process. Is it going to be a bit messy? Yes. It's been a long time since I have been in a relationship, and there also is some skittishness that I need to get over. But I am getting over the skittishness; I am not acting out, I am being consistent, I am willing to risk to see and to care about someone.

 

Ms. Darcy posted today about the difference between love and commitment. I am ready to love. To commit? That is where things get shaky. Here come the stall tactics.

 

I looked up the definition of flake and the description is of someone who is unreliable. Who lacks character and integrity. Someone who can not commit to the simplest of things.

 

I remember what it felt like to not fear commitment. It was simple. You get to know someone you like and things move ahead in a nice steady flow. There is a calmness. I got excited about the idea of committing myself to somebody, and shared life together. A future together.

 

What's it going to take for me to get past this? The thought of potentially flaking or leading someone along to something that I am not confident in backing up, when it comes down to it, is horrendous to me.

 

I'm just so scared. Scared of getting eaten up in someone else's expectations, someone else's vision, someone else's feelings and wants.

 

I thought long and hard about this today.

 

This just won't do. Things can't stay this way any longer.

 

I searched myself and why is it so scary. Why. Behind all the stories and words, why .

 

I am not confident, deep down, that I have it to give. Enough for myself? Barely. For somebody else, who will look at me expectantly and make promises about what we will do, and what we can give each other, I do not feel confident enough in that.

 

I hate this. It's the core of my feeling insufficient, undesirable, not enough.

 

But you know what? It's mine. It's my issue and it's no one else's responsibility to help me with it nor to make it better. It's not fair to ask someone to tolerate it. It's not fair to put disclaimers on something that is in the process of being, of becoming.

 

If I flop now, it won't be for lack of trying. Here is where "trying your best at any moment is all you can ever do" and "results are all people care about" come head to head. Both are true.

So what can I do about it? All I know is that pulling out is not the answer. Come up with something.

[itsallgrand]

The irony is that I have been feeling better about myself and what I have to offer than I have in a long time. I am healthier, I am more complete as a person. And I feel like I am making strides every day.

 

It's just when I feel like I can not meet someone's expectations, whether they are reasonable or not (and I am starting to realize I have some work to do in deciphering what is reasonable and what isn't, and some of that may trace back to mom and the expectations being really out there, I constantly felt responsible for her) - that's when I start to doubt myself and feel like sh/t again.

 

I thought I had no problem disappointing people, but that's a lie. It's like a weight on my chest, thinking about disappointing someone I care about.

 

trying to protect them from what is really happening though and how I really feel and am capable of in a given moment though, that leads to trouble. I know that.

 

I guess I don't want to be rejected any more than the next person. That's just human.

 

But the whole point of everything is being the best most authentic and sincere person I can be. It all hinges on that.

 

Opening up to someone makes you vulnerable. And it brings out some of the things that are maybe a little easier not to have a floodlight put on when you are on your own, and it's just your friends to call you out on things. Friends are different from an intimate romantic relationship. There are things that come to light...and you can't hide behind anything.

[itsallgrand]

I wanted to make a note for myself: it always comes back to the anxiety.

 

The anxiety has been under control for the last little while, but, it's an undercurrent or lurking waiting to be grown, all the time. And I do think I need to accept this.

This is the way it is, let's manage it, and let's not fight it anymore. Not on the mental level, nor on the emotional one.

I expect there will be times that frustration happens again with it, and it might get a little out of hand sometimes.

But by and large, the biggest thing is keeping in my awareness and not taking for granted that "ok, worked on it, now I can relax". I don't think I can do that. Ever. It's continuous, for the rest of my life care.

I can be okay with that. I can. Because what choice do I have really? Denial even in subtle shades only harms me.

 

On a somewhat related note but not really, we ended up talking about his drunken confession of feelings. It's related because ^^ I'm looking at what anxiety does to me. The anxious response to something so trivial, really, in the grand scheme of things and how that is a chosen response for me. Chosen, but it's like a slippery fish, my awareness. I think I have it all in focus, but there it goes again, slipping under the radar. The same old things. Anxious alerts, the signs, that tell me I am headed down a certain nervous direction. And it produces that pile of nervous thoughts.

Circular thoughts too. It's something that has been driven home lately. How the thoughts and feelings are circular, and feed each other. A cat chasing its own tail, getting more and more frentic. And all she has to do is stop.

When in doubt, slow down or stop.

 

Well he brought it up. Which was good. I did not mention what he said nor about it because I know myself, and I know I need time to think through my responses. If I don't, I tend to go in circles. And say something stupid. Or go around the bush. Vague, non committal, and not beneficial way to go about resolving anything. the direct route is the best, but that takes time for me to formulate. Does it sound stupid to say that? It doesn't matter. It is how it is for me. Like jeez, I'm slow. You could understand how that might be interpreted as stupid. But I'm not stupid at all. And I know that about myself. It is that emotionally I take longer to process. It wouldn't even be correct to call it emotional immaturity. It's not that either. I simply process emotions slowly, in a delayed fashion, when I am allowing myself to process and feel all of them fully. Which is what is healthy and has been something I worked very hard to do. And now that I am, I faced my own judgment about how well I do it. How quickly I do it. That isn't productive at all, and I have decided to drop that judgment.

 

He brought it up and he apologized. I was relieved. He apologized for contacting me while drunk and mostly, for saying those things while drunk. I really appreciated that. Him acknowledging that it wasn't a great way to share feelings, and that it put me in an uncomfortable position. We both agreed that speaking directly is what we both want. It's the only way to have trust and openness of communication, really, if it is to last.

 

Of course it did come up too about if he really meant those things he said. I was prepared for any answer. I don't take drunken talk seriously, and I don't believe in drinkers being more honest than when they are sober. I see it as an altered state where what is said has little meaning beyond whatever pops into the head at the moment. He said there was truth behind what he said, even though he was sorry to have said it in such an inappropriate way.

 

We had already said I love yous. We had already moved to being exclusive. Those are big steps, at least to me, and I told him that. I told him too I am not on any particular time frame as to when things are to happen, nor do I want him to feel he can not share his feelings ,whatever they may be, but, (oh the damn but), let's take this one step at a time. Too much future talk will feel like pressure on me. I'm here and I'm sticking around so it's ok. So long as he is aware of the pace I am comfortable with and that I take my time in moving forward in relationships. He understood and agreed with that; he said he did not want to rush either because that is a good way to short circuit a good thing. I agreed.

 

So we worked through that without anyones heads exploding, no drama, no withdrawing on my part (progress for me, though honestly, it was not as difficult as I thought it would be, and for that I am grateful to be at that place).

 

I like that he can admit when he made a mistake. I like that I wanted to be there to see through what would happen, rather than bolt, or judge him too harshly.

[itsallgrand]

Self confidence is so important.

So many of my insecurities about myself, that I just was living with, have come to light recently.

I think living with these secret little insecurities has bred a little bit of selfishness on my part.

[quirky]

Hey IAG!

I haven't been around eNA land and only now got a chance to catch up a bit with your posts. Man, so much I relate to emotions wise..the anger towards other's passivity, normalising dysfuntional behaviour, the stereotypes placed upon us women and the will/battle to transcend them, the need for self care and TOV's magical post, it was so soothing to read..I feel all those things too.

 

The other day I felt resentful for even shaving my legs for the man ! Or how the brazilian wax that makes me look 'clean' (why is lack of hair clean???!!!) costs £25 a month and I am so broke I end up shaving and then it's uncomfortable for a couple of days but hey, I looked good an clean on the night of sex. While I am aware of this, I am still a slave to this system and still indocrinated in a way I cannot escape. I still dress a certain way and put make up on and straighten my hair. I thought maybe if I was prettier I wouldn't feel the need for those efforts and layers but I have a feeling it's not about one's looks.

 

As you pointed out I also recognised an apprehension in me to dress and walk and interact in a particularly feminine manner. I suspect this is due to gender discrimination and my fear of being a female and what a man may do if I look good. I want to be seen as a human not as a woman only. For example I never wear low cut tops, not even a little..I feel very uncomfortable doing so, unless I am with a boyfriend and then subconsciously I think 'noone can harm me'..I associate anything sexy/feminine with possibility of harm or loss of credibility (i.e my intelligence will be overlooked)

 

Regarding your comment on others taking a back seat with your cousin's situation..most people are uncomfortable or afraid of the truth. And will try to silence the one that exposes it. Honesty carries a sense of terror for many and honest words have power because everyone can feel them. So people avoid and deny and look away because it's too difficult. The ones that don't are meant to look like crazy or like 'you care too much'. Done in the right way though, carried with compassion and not fear..maybe honesty eventually it gets through to others too.

 

I found your posts on cutting down caffeine interesting..it's not something I have considered. I have also struggled with anxiety and bad sleep lately (not like me) and I am wondering if cutting down on caffeeine might help. I do worry it will make me more miserable as it is one 'bad' thing I enjoy, I already hold back from smoking, drinking or eating snacky stuff. What made you try cutting it out? Do you genuinely see a difference?

[itsallgrand]

Quirky!! How are you?? I was thinking of you recently.

 

Yes, the cutting down the caffeine really has made a big difference. A surprisingly big one. I know what you mean, it being one of the last 'bad' things you have left. Me too! And I love coffee. I do.

I decided to try cutting it way down because of anxiety and sleep disturbances.

The amount of difference it has made, and how much it opened my eyes to how much I was depending on it to get through the day, makes it worth it to stick with this.

 

I think you are right about the people involved in my cousins life and that part of the family. I really do not even feel the same need anymore to try and convince anybody of anything. I think I understand more now, I'm more empathetic to their situation.

I just don't want to see the kids being hurt...that is what it comes down to.

I don't want my cousin to be hurt either! Nor do I wish ill to any of them. Not even her husband.

 

I'm at a point with life now where I think you can only do what you can do. It's ok to have whatever emotions I like about it, but to them, I am only showing the optimist and positive part.

I think adding negativity and shaming them won't help. Someone has to be optimistic about the possibility of change, and offer potential ways to that, because they sure aren't able to do that.

Hopefully something goes through to them.

On a good note, she and the kids are still at her sisters. So at least they are not living with him.

It wouldn't hurt for me to have a little more faith in people either. When people do choose their way out of a long standing destructive path, I am always so surprised.

 

Interesting your feelings about clothes and all the things we do to be attractive and feminine. There are so many associations with it, so much wrapped up in the process. I laughed at resenting the man some days for having to shave your legs lol. I feel that way about fashion and make up. Does it feel good to go all out and dress up sometimes? Yes, it does, even for me. It can be fun, and a way to express oneself. Nothing wrong with that. But my disinterest in clothes and make up as a way to express myself, more generally, is what it is. It has never appealed to me that much nor been something I cared all that much about. It is not like when I say scrubby I mean unclean, or not taking care of myself. Just not fashionable, and not made up.

So honestly doing that on a frequent basis would not be for me, it is for other people, and for gaining an advantage out there. Which is maybe a good enough reason to do it. But yeah, it does cause some irritation for me. In an ideal world, I could just be half naked all the time or have someone else do all this for me. It's not an ideal world, maybe I need to just suck it up and not fight this one thing so hard.

I don't wear low cut tops either, unless it's at home or with people I'm close with. But neither one of us can just grab a bra off the discount rack either, right? So we both have experienced how even a top that is conservative but just a tiny bit low can be perceived as sexual even though it is not. Basically anything that starts to show even a bit of cleavage is out, unless we want the attention focused there.

[itsallgrand]

I've been kinda worried about my mom this last little while. The last few times I talked to her on the phone, she was drinking and that is a very slippery slope for her.

Other people, people who don't have issues with drinking, I wouldn't think anything of it.

But I know her so well, and I know even by the sound of her voice how much drink she has had.

One evening with friends having a few drinks leads so easily for her to the next evenings having a few beers, then some wine, or hot rum. Going to bed drunk. But not before calling everyone and causing trouble in all her relationships with all the important people in her life.

Her and her boyfriend have a good relationship. Always laughing, get along great together, happy. The only times I have ever seen any troubles with them is when mom drinks. Luckily it has not been too frequent, but I know her boyfriend has a low tolerance for it and wouldnt stick around if she ever went deep into her drinking. And I understand that.

I know how important that relationship is to her though, and I don't think she is even aware of how her drinking is the source of bull in her life, and she is not aware either of when she is beginning to go down that familiar path again. Because she never admitted she actually has a problem, she can't see it for what it is.

She is a wonderful person. She really is. The only issue is her drinking. That's why I really want to be there for her if I can, before it becomes an issue again.

She was saying that she feeling a little under the weather and didn't want to get a cold, so she was having a hot toddy.

But I know what that really means.

 

I won't lie, I am going to be checking up on her for a while. Out of anyone, for some reason, she will listen to me the most.

Maybe it's because I encourage her to talk about what is really bugging her. And once she does, I know that is why she drinks, she tries to kill her feelings with drink.

It occurred to me that maybe she is doing this right now because it has been close to dads birthday, and I know she would have been thinking about him and how her mind works.

She has trouble admitting how much things can hurt her, and how she is really feeling.

That mentality that runs through her whole family, and mom really internalized it, is the kind of very hard working even if you are sick or grieving, no matter what, to admit you need to cry or be sad for a while is to be 'weak'.

 

I internalized a lot of that too, but I've seen what a mistake it is, and have changed my thinking on that.

 

In fact, any time I feel like putting a value judgment on feelings, I question it now. Keeping the value judgment out of feelings makes life so much easier and makes 'problems' so much easier to solve, and so much less demoralizing. That hopeless trapped feeling is not present without the judgment.

 

It feels really good to no longer has such anger towards those with addiction issues anymore. And to not have such anger towards my mom. Oh, I can still get angry on occasion about these things. But it is very different. It's momentary, about a specific behavior, not permeating, and not towards a person on a personal level. A healthier objectiviity towards it. And towards the people involved in it too.

 

I don't feel enmeshed in moms issues anymore. I feel like the separate person I am. A person who loves her a lot.

[faraday]

How did you get through not being angry?

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[itsallgrand]

It was a long process. When I was younger, I was very openly angry with her and then there was a period when I did not see her at all for a few years. I was very angry and cut her out of my life, with the hope there always of keeping the door open and maybe we could work things out enough to have a healthy relationship. I think that helped for me to establish boundaries and to figure out a lot of my feelings about the whole situation. And going to therapy helped too. Even though I went for something totally unrelated, it came up fairly soon in the sessions. Before that, I hadn't put together that her drinking would have had such an impact on the rest of what happened with me. In isolation by itself, I might have been able to deal with it. But on top of everything else, it was almost like the straw on the camels back for me. Perfect storm of traumatic situation, life being thrown into upheaval completely, nobody there for me, and being abused. My feelings of being abandoned by her, even when she was physically around, during that time really were at the core of the anger most of all.

 

Getting to a place where I no longer need her, as awful as that may sound, is what brought about a full letting go of the anger. Free to just love her, all her warts and all, but not need her - for anything.

 

I know that could sound harsh but it was where I had to come for me and the expectations I need to have for her. Realistic ones, which with her issues, means never expecting she can be there for me.

 

So when she is, these days, it's like a nice little bonus and surprise. I can enjoy every little thing she can give because I'm not angry anymore.

[itsallgrand]

I'm really proud of my mom right now.

Talked to her this morning and found out what the issue is. We are going to work through it together. There is a solution, and she is going to let us help her.

It comes down to worries about money.

I see parts of my mom in myself. I may have and have in the past dealt with issues the same way she has (minus the drinking).

But as individuals, and maybe as a family, we are starting to move past all that. The stubborn keep it to yourself and not let anyone help you. Not being able to ask for help when you need it. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed to.

We were both crying by the end of the phone call. She said she was proud of me. She said she was proud of my good heart. I totally lost it.

There have certainly been times I've struggled with doing the kind thing and with tolerance. Mom always modeled that, and it's one of her best qualities.

I'm proud of her for doing something different to deal with her struggles and I'm proud to have a mom who values Kindness and compassion in people and shows so much of that herself.

 

Another bump we are getting through together and building a stronger relationship. It makes me very happy.

 

It's crazy but it always seems like the windfalls of good things happen after letting go of expectations. Things could have easily worked out badly, with mom spending her whole life in a horrible downward spiral of alcoholism. It happens for a lot of families, for a lot of people.

 

But the story is turning out much more positive than that. SO f/ing grateful. I know how lucky I am.

[itsallgrand]

I got so many little niggling things done today. Place is clean and organized, all laundry done, got a proper work out in, cooked some food for the week, had the usual sunday calls with family.

Felt really good and had this burst of energy today.

Then all of a sudden I was pooped and felt sort of sad. Still feel sort of sad. Then I realized that my period is a few days over due now. And oh yeah, it feels like that.

I'm not sure why I always feel this need to figure out exactly why I feel a certain way all the time. All the time. Why can't I just feel sort of off or sad and that's it?! Leave it at that. Let it be. See, I'm doing it again.

I think I'd like to try something very different for me. One week of not analyzing my feelings. One week, I can commit to a week. And focus purely on what I am doing. Think of all I will accomplish. Lots.

I've got a big ass list of things, nothing too large but things that get thrown off to the side 'for later', and this week can be about that.

Because frankly, I need a break from how I usually operate.

I'll get myself all organized this week, and let this hormonal cloud pass, and at least have something to show for it at the end of it. The rest can wait til at least the end of the week.

[itsallgrand]

I have gotten a lot accomplished in two days. I am going to stick with this for now. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment right now. I need it to get over this hump in how I have been feeling. To get to a new ground and see things fresh again.

I booked off and am going on a mini trip in a few weeks. I need the change of scenery. I need to see something different. Something different for my brain cells and senses to soak up.

It will also be good for me to get used to spending more time around others where I can not retreat to solitude for a while. Solitude is wonderful but if I am to eventually live with someone again, I'm going to have to re learn what it is to adjust to all the little things that go into sharing space for extended lengths of time without stressing out.

Being able to do that again will be good for my life in general. Life requires it. Relationships require it. It's too much work and the cost is too high to keep up with constantly carving out hunks in order to avoid dealing with it.

 

I made a pact with myself a while ago to get back to texts promptly. Have kept that. Think I am going to have to make some adjustments though with it because there are some people where it's simply too much of a time killer to keep up with responding promptly all the time. I made the pact because I was concerned about being perceived as unreliable or flaky or too difficult to contact. And maybe I did go too far before, but now it has swung the other way. Now to balance it with some prioritizing.

[itsallgrand]

They use solitude as the ultimate punishment and form of torture.

Just a thought I had today.

[Seraphim]

Awwww I am so happy you and your mom have worked through what has been bothering her. You are a sweet daughter . ❤️

[itsallgrand]

I managed to get through the week without analyzing. And it felt good. Really good.

A whole boatload of things to be addressed, to do, came out of this though. Sort of feels like digging through an old pile of stuff, cleaning it up, and as you get the first layer taken care of, you start to see what's underneath it that has been getting all stinky.

This isn't a time to analyze and stare at my belly lint, this is a time to do. I've grown lazy. Oh, busy, always something buzzing around. But lazy where it counts. Busy-ness as a distraction, and exhaustion as a distraction - got it. Got that memo. See it for what it is. Addressing it.

 

I'm perpetually feeling behind. To not feel that way, to feel caught up, in everything that is major in my life, that's all I need to break this remaining shell that grew over me. The bubble. The isolation bubble.

 

It's going to be all good.

[Silverbirch]

You're inspirational IAL! Just what I needed to read today. Im Such a procrastinator!

[itsallgrand]

Aww thanks Silver. I don't feel inspirational! lol. I have a procrastinating streak too, and I'm really trying to break it. Nip things as they come up. Not let things snowball.

Basically, get organized again!

In my teens and early twenties, I was ultra organized and hyper responsible. Maybe that's why I got so draggy on the heels later on. My rebellion lol.

 

I'm ready for the balance of being organized without being a perfectionist about it.

[itsallgrand]

Only a few days until I leave on my trip and I'm so excited. It's the most I've taken for a vacation in years and years, and I get to spend it with my guy.

When I get back, I'll start saving for a trip in spring/early summer out of country. We have loose plans already for it. Even if we aren't together by that time, I've decided I am going no matter what. There is no reason for me to believe we won't be together, but, my point is that I am going to do some travelling and things I want to do and no longer procrastinate on it and 'for some time in the future'. I am going to plan these things in to my life.

I feel like my future has been on hold. I heard somewhere recently someone say that those who do not plan for their futures, basically do not believe that they have one. That hit a spot in me. For a long time, it was as stark as I did not believe I would live this long. To be in my thirties. Why I believed that, my own reasons. Then it became, ok looks like I will be around for a while, at least, I can assume that because no one really knows whether they will be around or not, I'm not different in that regard. So I got more serious about addressing my issues. Then it became, ok well this is pretty good, I can live with this, I am so much more content and happier now, let me just see if I can keep this going or is the other shoe going to drop? But I got more grounded during this time, and more secure, and that sense of doom hanging around the corner has been dropping off too. And the space to dream again, happy dreams, and to breath has been overwhelming at times. What do I do now with this? But that too has been lessening and lessening, and the process of working on my future has been more and more in focus. That is what is left under all the rest, possibilities to do whatever I like with my life, as I see fit, and enjoy it.

[Seraphim]

OH!!! Things are looking up for you girlfriend!! Have a great holiday!!!!