My Boyfriend Needs Me To Obey...

[FullOfQuestion]

@lavender... no no no, I know what you're saying but he would never look at her like that, I wouldnt believe that for a second. but I do understand what you mean.. I dont want my daughter to need a man when shes older but at the same time I'm.... yeah... I see where this seems to be going....

[pippy longstocking]

I have really thought about this before replying , because I feel I am quite old fashioned in many ways and just put that down to my age group on this forum , which I feel is the minority as opposed to the majority. Maybe it is an age thing , maybe just personal choice ..

 

My ex was quite a masteful man , but in a kind way , it was actually nice to give someone the reigns for once ..I have either had the complete package of crazy obsessive abusive bully , or about as much use a chocolate fire guard , so to have a man "take control" , well it was nice .

I actually like the fact that I am the woman ..I have long since passed the stage where I feel I have to prove my worth or make myself an equal ..I am not stronger than most men , I will do the cleaning , I will be a stay at home mum while tarzan brings the meat home ...

I have been on my own a lot , I have been mum and dad , grandparents ..I can dig a pond , I can

put shelves up , move house , deal with emergencies , I am fully self sufficient and don't really fair well with men who are like giggling girls , with no idea and no back bone ..

 

So I can see the appeal actually , there was a part of me reading that that thought , well what is wrong with that ...but I'm afraid there was a bigger part of me that can't shake something about it all .....

 

It is almost on the verge of been a tadge sinister ...the spoken promise of "you will obey" ...I can't quite go with it ....something is not right with it , sorry.

 

you daughter ..well like you I have a daughter and it is essential that the men we get involved with are "right" in all aspects ..

 

my fear for you long term is a scenario like this :

 

he has made a particular request and your daughter doesn't want it that way and your trying to hush her quiet and trying to get her to "obey " him , for her to have no voice either ...that's what

your giving up ..your voice

 

but why should she ?

 

this could be a beautiful up bringing or you could be setting her up for a lifetime of confusion .

 

Only you know him and yourself and daughter to know how dire this situation could be if you agree .

 

It is a choice that is so very personal no one can make it for you ..

 

just think carefully and best wishes.

[metrogirl]

I can almost predict how your relationship is going to end. He wants to be obeyed, in total control which means he wants to do whatever the hell he wants, hence if he wants to cheat on you then you really have zero say so because he's already commanded you to obedience. Really????

 

I get the feeling that you want to go along with his demands because he's successful, blah blah blah but that is what is going to be the demise of your relationship.

[FullOfQuestion]

I feel silly... not to boast in any way, but I'm an attractive young woman with a sound mind (most of the time).. I'm a good person and a great mother. I love to please but this is... ugh.

 

If you would have told me last year that this is what I was considering, there was no way. but when he brought it up and we discussed it.. it had me thinking of the so many failed relatinships based on "partnership" my own included... and so I thought well why not try... but as I look at it, I think... *** are you thinking.

 

I still dont know what I'm going to do... but this does help. I feel uncomfortable talking to anyone I know about this because it seems so ridiculous..

[FullOfQuestion]

I am very thankful for everyones opinion, I have to go to, but I'll check back on this later on.

by the way, like I said.. he's a good man and I dont believe he would cheat or abuse me, I could very well be wrong... but I certaintly dont get that vibe from him. he's a very honest man and I do trust him, I just dont like the idea of "giving up complete control"

 

@shooting star, you really gave me something to think about... very much so., thank you.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, it is indeed 'ugh'... deep down i think you know if someone loves you and is a secure person, they don't need to have their loved ones 'obey'... they are more interested in the happiness of all people involved rather than dominating and getting their own way. Because that is what he is telling you, that you must do things the way HE wants them done, be who HE wants you to be etc.

 

Nowhere in there do i see anything about him feeling obligated to make YOU happy. He has made it clear that your job is to make HIM happy. And if you are busily 'obeying' him, then he is the arbitrer and decider of what SHOULD make you happy, and you just have to live with whatever he decides that is, whether you like it or not.

 

Put the shoe on the other foot... would it ever occur to you to decide to tell your partner that he had to obey you or else? If you loved him, wouldn't you be more interested in making him HAPPY rather than in making him OBEY?

 

So that is why you'll never find happiness in this marriage, because his goal is strictly his own happiness and not yours. What you want doesn't factor in, especially if what makes him happy disagrees with what makes you (or your daughter) happy. So what he is thinking about is getting his own way! And that you are his property rather than his partner. Partners negotiate and decide things together. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a subordinate who just does as he says, and has no real say in decisions about her own life (or the life of your child).

 

Women who marry men like this end up depressed, isolated, and resentful. And it can erupt in violence if you decide one day that you're not happy being a good little slave and rebel against him.

[DrkRaven]

Hmm trophy wife? Well i like to have an opinion in my girls life, but its HER life. HER choices.

And it does start with the clothes. Like i said. Ive seen it before.

My bro-in-law has a very pretty wife, but he tells he if he doesnt like what she is wearin and gets angry if she isnt wearing makeup when he says and his friends come around and he wants to show her off.

A trophy? is that what you want to be objectified and just something for him to show. Not to mention he doenst care if he cheats on her, becaue she does what he says.

 

This sint a role you want to follow. and what about your children?

My fiancee grew up in a household where her father controled her mother, and the first thing she wanted was someone who DIDNT treat her like that. It's not something you want your daughter to live with, because he WILL try to control her too. Told my fiancee when you eat sleep wake, drove her nuts when she became an adult.

Do you want your daughter to not have a say because she is a woman. For your sons to think the woman they marry is their property?

[Kjv1611ad]

In my opinion, submission to your husband is something a woman does in return to a man treating her with love and respect, in the case of a "partnership". A woman will gladly submit to a man when he respects her wishes and opinions, but sometimes someone HAS to make a decision, and I agree it is nice to let go of the reins every once in a while.

 

That being said, that should never be a REQUIREMENT from a man. It takes two, and I do not like the fact he is DEMANDING it from you, and basically saying you have to do this with him doing nothing in return. He shouldn't have to tell you, he should be able to tell by your actions if you are the type of woman he wants to be with long term.

 

Just my two cents.

[itsallgrand]

This isn't about right or wrong. This is just about compatibility.

 

Can you accept this type of arrangement or not? Only you can answer that and that's all that matters here.

 

I disagree.

 

This isn't a partnership in any capacity. It's a loser guy stuck in the stone ages looking for a woman who has low enough self esteem to put up with his bs.

 

Seriously, it makes me upset that this even still exists in this day and age. To put a kid through that, deny them a strong role model of a woman who has the capacity and strength to say "NO" and not see her self as an extension of other people and how she can please them. There are people in life who love to be passive and then get to be the victim - but your signature says it all. "Victims are people who have their choices taken away from them, not people who give them away freely." How could it ever be alright for someone to give away what is purely their own responsibility in life to someone else - it can't be because it is something that is impossible to do. You can't give away that responsibility, only make bad choices about how you will be responsive or not. Or Not is the case here. She doesn't want to have to take responsibility. It's rather classic.

 

Sick.

 

The sickest part is that when the kid turns around later in life and asks her mom "hey, why didn't you show me how to be strong? why did you let all that happen?", her mom probably still won't get it. She'll still be pleasing and totally oblivious to the fact that her "pleasing" is the ultimate form of neglectful parenting that exists. It is called Emotional and Psychological Neglect.

 

What happens when a kid is raised in this environment is that they learn that there are bullies and there are tools. The guy is the bully, the OP is the tool. Usually the kid will identify with one or the other - either becoming a doormat herself or a bully to some degree and overly compensating with "tough" behavior. It will be hard for her to get close to people and trust them.

 

It's all so predictable.

[camus154]

I happen to agree with you regarding this sort of dynamic, but you and I are not the OP and her boyfriend. No matter how antiquated we may see this type of arrangement, it's still her choice to make.

[FullOfQuestion]

I completey agree with what you guys are saying.. I guess it just sounds worse when its not coming from the lipa of a man you love. I dont want this, but I thought maybe I was wrong.

 

thanks to everyone for your input. Im busy so I cant elaborate but thank you

[Miss Firecracker]

I completey agree with what you guys are saying.. I guess it just sounds worse when its not coming from the lipa of a man you love. I dont want this, but I thought maybe I was wrong.

 

thanks to everyone for your input. Im busy so I cant elaborate but thank you

 

Good thing you came here instead of becoming a sex slave. A year or so of that would drive you batty!

[Lucy3]

You keep saying you need to decide what u are going to do. Has he given you a time frame for you to decide a yes or no to this agreement or what?

 

I think you will be showing such a bad example to your daughter by agreeing to this absurd 'agreement'. All the abused women think in the beginning that their partner 'loves them'. This is such a sad story and even sadder that you are considering being his 'slave'

[FullOfQuestion]

I wasn't sure about it. I didn't really look at it as a slave, I just thought of it as giving him my life. which is how he put it... I know I shouldn't go into this because in the long run I would go crazy. Im just not the "obeying" type, but I wasnt sure if I was wrong. I decided to speak to a friend of mine and she said that 3 kids, a dog and a white picket fence later I will regret it.. and I believe that

Like I said, thank you to everyone for your input, it was needed and appreciated.

All the best to you all xo

[pippy longstocking]

best wishes and peace to you too xx

[penelope13]

Nothing wrong with being in a relationship where one partner is taking on more of a leadership than the other person - but not by simply demanding and requesting it, but because both freely choose so and there is always the option to change the dynamics with changing opinions.

 

Most abusive relationships start off with the dominant partner swooping off the other by only showing the charming side, the one who seems to take care of you and not take advantage of the dynamics. However, as soon as you are legally bound to them, they slowly start to show their true colors - when you are already financially and otherwise totally dependent on them so that a separation becomes a seemingly unsurmountable obstacle.

 

Of course nobody tells you right out that you will totally be enslaved, while you still have the option to pull away from them - thus they wait till you are legally bound to them and they have separated you from friends and family by demanding that to be respectful means to spend all your time solely dedicated to your partner.

 

Many people asked you what would he do if you chose to 'not obey him' or have a difference of opinion - and you assumed that he would just suck it up. If he would be capable of accepting that you have a mind of your own - he wouldn't demand in the first place that you obey him in all respects.

 

Respecting someone doesn't equal that you have to be of the same opinion all the time. Agreeing has nothing to do with respecting the other person. Demanding utter and complete obedience reeks of extreme insecurity and fear - not a mental state you want to base a relationship on, especially if there is a child involved.

 

Abusers always use the 'I'm providing and taking care of you' as an excuse to justify their emotional and mental abuse. However, they seem totally oblivious to the fact that 'taking care of someone else' includes taking care of their emotional needs and encouraging to personal growths.

 

Love and relationships become meaningful when they are given freely - not because you are forced to.

[greywolf]

OP, I suggest you read about BDSM relationships. There are a lot of people out there in seemingly unequal relationships. You have to decide if you can be ok with that though. Also, being master of the house does not mean that that person can just order people around. It's a position that requires a lot of responsibility.

[lavenderdove]

btw, it is no coincidence that he chooses a younger and dependent woman (one with a child who would end up dependent on him if he holds the financial pursestring).

 

Most older women his age who'd been thru enough relationships would know better and just laugh at him if he said she needed to obey him. Younger women can be exceedingly romantic and naive (as can young men) and leap into things without a true awareness of what they are really signing up for. Most older women know who they are and what they need, and would stand up to a guy like this and see it for what it is, a selfish and insecure guy who wants his own way and only feels comfortable when he dominates and 'owns' his wife and kids rather than accepting his wife as an equal with equal rights and needs to be fulfilled.

 

You have no clue about what the limits of 'obeying' him mean, and no way of knowing. The ability to negotiate and communicate and work to make sure both parties needs are met is ESSENTIAL to a good relationship, and he's already told you he doesn't intend to negotiate anything with you, just have you yield to his will. So it will be fine for him because he gets to decide how you will live, but horrible for you if your needs ever conflict with his.

[lavenderdove]

btw, in case you missed it, implicit in his expression that you must 'obey him at all times without question' is the belief that he is ALWAYS right and that you must be stupid or wrong if you don't just obey him because he is always right. People who hold these kinds of beliefs usually have such huge egos or narcisisstic tendencies where they think the rest of the world is stupid and less than them in every way and hence they have the right to rule, a God complex of sorts.

 

It is not only paternalistic but can turn scary over time if he thinks you are even THINKING something that he doesn't want you to think and his life will become about exterminating your identity to conform to his or he feels too threatened and will start to see you as bad, wrong, or evil. And he may apply that to your child as well, and start seeing her that way.

 

One of the greatest gifts that humans have is free will, and ceding that to a man, another human being, is honestly just crazy and unwise. You can be positively influenced by someone, or form a partnership with someone, but when that relationship is based on you needing to be 'lesser than' and give up your free will, that is a sign that something is not right with him at all.

 

He is essentially saying he sees you as having bad judgment, as needing a 'father' who determines your actions even though you're an adult, himself as God and ruler of his domain which includes you as a subservient etc. Those are very dangerous ideas that lead to all kinds of oppression and misery in this world.

[FullOfQuestion]

I completely agree with @lavenderdove... I feel ridiculous for even considering it. I still have a lot of growing up to do, I know that.

I'm glad I came here to seek some advice... but now comes the hard part.

[penelope13]

but now comes the hard part.

 

You mean how to tell him you can't agree to his terms/requests?

 

What are your specific concerns, maybe we can give you some guidelines how to approach him.

[FullOfQuestion]

well.. I mean to tell him that the fact that he feels the need to have me obey him disturbs me. that its one thing to want to be a leader or the man of the house who feels he can put his foot down when need be, but its a whole other thing to tell me to jump when you say jump and ask no questions. that I want a partnership ans a friendship, not an employement. I plan on letting him know how I feel...

 

my concerns are the fact that he feels a need to control me, as is Im not bright enough or responsible enough to make my own decisions. I dont want someone telling me what to do as if Im a child and thats something he'll need to understand.

 

but even if I do speak to him regarding my issues, what if he says fine but then cant shake it and it only gets worse after marriage... Im just not sure about this anymore... I wouldnt want my daughter to live dependent of a man like that, doing whatever he says... she deserves to grow up and be a woman, not grow up and remain a little girl...

[lavenderdove]

What you need to do is start showing some independence and differing from his ideas and see what he does. First, have that talk with him, and tell him you want to be a partner and not subservient to him, and to have equal say in decisions and that you will never promise to obey because you are not a child nor a lesser person than him and that you have your own mind and goals and needs as does your child and you need to be true to yourself and her and represent your best interests.

 

Even if he says OK to this, then go about your business and DON'T always 'obey' and behave exactly as he wants, and stand up for your own needs (and your child's need) and see how he behaves. for example, if he likes your hair long, then cut it and see if he tantrums. Or if he tells you he doesn't like you wearing or doing something (that his harmless and just a personal choice), then go ahead and wear/do it and see what he does.

 

If he gets angry, irritated, controlling etc., then he probably just isn't the man for you. Honestly, he may still be unmarried at 39 because most women in today's world won't settle for what he is offering because they want a partner and not a 'boss'. Or else women in his past relationships felt really oppressed and eventually broke away from him because of it.

 

I think you have to be especially careful because you do have a daughter and don't want her to see this type of man as a role model, where a woman's needs and opinions must take back seat to a man's just because he is a man, and because her gender is somehow weaker/inferior to his. I wouldn't marry him for that reason alone, because his ideology and beliefs are very prejudiced against women and a woman's right to be an equal partner from the get go.

[penelope13]

It's not my personal preference either to be with someone who considers 'being a man equals making all the decisions', but if you are still unsure if you want to remain with him, follow lavenderdove's advice to talk to him about it and use his reaction to decide if this was just a badly communicated misunderstanding, or if he indeed is of the opinion that as a woman you are sort of a lessor human being.

 

It's natural for an individual to have strengths and thus take on more responsibilities related to those strengths. But it should never be an automatic expectations and it should never be a question of rigidity. You mentioned that you like to be more submissive, but you want to know that you have the option to change this if you ever wanted in the future. You will have skills that he doesn't have and he should acknowledge those and respect you for those.

 

If he is the type of more traditional person (or even wants a BDSM type relationship as greywolf mentioned) it would be appropriate, if at the same time he would be concerned to always make sure that he figures out what your wants and needs are. That he gives you the opportunity to express those freely and then do his utmost to cater towards you. You are still very young - there is still so much life for you to discover. While he wants to take on most of the decision making, is he prioritizing giving you the opportunity to discover those things and for your personal growths?

 

Nobody, however skilled and 'intelligent' they may be, can be right all the time. Try to figure out how he would handle are situation where he is wrong and you notice it. Will he appreciate you pointing it out or suggesting an alternative? Or will he not even consider the possibility that he may be wrong?

 

From the little that you said, I would have dropped him in a minute, especially if I had a little daughter to consider, but if you are still unsure what he really meant - then invest the time to talk about it and figure him out before you make any commitments. If he refuses to talk about it, then you have your answer.

[FullOfQuestion]

I'm going to take all of this advice and have a discussion with him. point blank, I don't want to be controlled... I've come to realize exactly what this is thank to this forum and a lot of contemplation.

 

I can love him and make him happy, but I want to do that by just being myself and being a good person, someone who is faithful and mature and loving and understanding..... and not by obeying him and his every word. If he is so sure that I would disappoint him by not doing what he says then maybe I'm not the one for him and maybe a relationship with each other is not the best thing for either for us. and most of all, I don't want my daughter believing that man is better than she is... that he must make the decisions because she's not capable of making proper decisions of her own.

 

I'll let him know that if he feels he needs to be with someone whom he can control, then I'm not that someone and that's something he needs to accept.