Is this normal in relationships?

[notalady]

So me and the boyfriend have been dating for almost a year now. There are a couple of things I was wondering if is normal /common or if anyone has experienced the same thing and has advice they could share.

 

Firstly, we have sex a lot, like 90% of the time that we see each other. But that 10% of the time, if he is in the mood and I'm not (or a few times I was really really sleepy so I just fell asleep while he tried to cuddle and was planning to make a move), he would be all grumpy and not affectionate like he usually is (i.e. no hugging or kissing or touching). Of course I don't like that side of him. Next morning he'd be his normal self again. It makes me feel pressured to have sex every single time, otherwise I can expect him to get grumpy! Not that I don't like to have sex but this idea does NOT make me want to have sex more! So is it normal or fair for him to act that way? Should I just ignore him and tell myself not to feel pressurised or in any way affected? A guy's perspective would be especially appreciated. (And don't tell me to just have more sex! Sometimes I just can't for various reasons.)

 

Another thing is I find we often run out of things to talk about, unlike the first few months when you always have something to talk about, now we just occasionally tell each other about our days, make some silly jokes, maybe talk about TV series or movies sometimes, and a lot of the time it's just silence. Not that I feel uncomfortable about silence, but it feels like we should have more to talk about. Also it feels like we don't talk about anything serious or meaningful anymore. Is this what you would expect from a relationship or does it mean we don't really get along or have much in common? Or maybe I just need to try to initiate more of those serious discussions (don't worry I don't mean drama or "we have a problem" kind of talk)? Anyone has experience in this they can share?

 

Thanks in advance!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like he wants the relationship for sex and not for anything meaningful. If you have sex 9 out of 10 times you see each other and on one of those 10 times you are not in the mood, a person who truly loves you wouldn't get grumpy. The fact that you two don't talk about anything much and that sex is expected every time you see each other puts this in the realm of a relationship that has basically unofficially morphed into an FWB while still retaining the title of relationship. Perhaps it is time to have a talk with him about how you feel and how he feels to see if the emotional connection of this relationship can be salvaged.

[notalady]

Well we are in a serious relationship and he had said many a time that he wants to marry me. He doesn't do casual or fwb, it's not his kind of thing. Very solid, decent guy. But yes, it appears that he can't help feeling down when I "reject" him in sex. Makes him feel undesired apparently.

[Habibi]

it is not normal if you live together and/or see eachother frequently, like 2/3 times or more a week.

Then this is just a fwb scenario.

after a while this indeed gets boring if there is no connection to another level, smart and interesting talk, learning more about each other...

then there is no need to be in a relationship.

sex per sex is boring and lame.

and exciting partner keeps it interesting in and outside the bed.

[Habibi]

then you should explain him that you dont reject him, that you just dont feel like it at this moment

there you go, seems like you guys have a theme to talk about now

 

Well we are in a serious relationship and he had said many a time that he wants to marry me. He doesn't do casual or fwb, it's not his kind of thing. Very solid, decent guy. But yes, it appears that he can't help feeling down when I "reject" him in sex. Makes him feel undesired apparently.

[Batya33]

I love comfortable silences and I need the feeling of knowing that if I want to talk about something whether it is superficial, meaningful, something in between, I can start up a conversation (as long as he's not working/in the middle of something of course). I think the majority of the time it should be that way with the awkward silences or forced conversations being rare. Sometimes my husband and I do fun "tell me about" kind of things like "which of your friends do you think it most likely to get married in the next year, and why?" Last night we had a very intense conversation about euthanasia because of the passing of a family friend and the day before we talked about the ridiculous behavior of our friend's new wife -and more for the drama of it than for anything meaningful. But the point is, what I wanted in a serious relationship was a level of comfort and conversation flowing most of the time -and comfortable silences. I didn't have that in the serious relationship prior to my marriage and it got so I'd get anxious about going out for a long dinner with him in case we ran out of things to say. And we did - it turned out, because I don't think he cared enough about what I would say or share to follow up so often I'd do his side of the conversation -literally -I'd tell him something that happened, get no response so I'd say "oh, can I do your side? ok. 'and then what happened?" We'd laugh but I kept having to do that.

 

Months after we broke up I finally said to him that I didn't think he cared enough about what was important to me or about what I said and he mumbled in a sad way "you might be right". It took me 7 years of on and off to realize that because I kept blaming myself "if only I was more interesting/came up with a better topic" or "I should just be comfortable being with him". Obviously it takes two but it wasn't till after we broke up that I realized why it didn't work. Not sure if this is like your situation but I figured I'd share.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, it doesn't really seem like there is much going on in your relationship right now.

 

I think that it is great that he is committed to you because so many people struggle to get to that point.

 

But, what you have laid out isn't a meaningful relationship. Over the course of the year, you should be engaging in meaning conversations and growing together. Silence is good and should be comfortable in a long-term relationship. But what you are saying is that you have little to say to each other. The fact that you get physical 90% of the time and he gets grumpy if you don't want to is a HUGE red flag to me. You both are setting up the expectation that this is what your relationship is going to look like after marriage. He is going to want the same and more amount of physical intimacy and if you can't keep that up he's going to start to resent you.

 

You can have too little intimacy ... and you can have too much. This is on the too much side. Unless you think you can keep this going for the rest of your life (which you can't, especially if you have kids) you need to have a serious talk with him recalibrating expectations for physical and emotional intimacy.

[notalady]

Thanks for sharing your personal experience Batya33.

 

I may try initiating some topics for discussion in the future to see how we go. It is probably partly my fault as well that we stopped having meaningful discussions, since I usually get back home (my home) late-ish and am too tired to have any serious discussions with him on the phone or online. Maybe we had gotten into a habit of not have those discussions because of it. Maybe we need to "re-connect" if that's the word.

[pinkelephant]

I usually have sex with my bfs everytime we see each other. And perhaps ironically, I usually get grumpy if I don't get sex after being turned on. I can't help it and I know it's a terrible trait, but I do... He should try to keep it together though and maybe he's not even realizing he does it. Why don't you have a talk with him and let him know how it makes you feel? Chances are, he'll feel super guilty and didn't realize he was even doing it in the first place.

 

As for conversations, guys I feel like don't bond the same way women do. They bond over street fighters and fluff so he may just be used to it, if you want serious talks, bring it up and see. it also will let him know it's okay for him to bring up deeper stuff as well.

[notalady]

You can have too little intimacy ... and you can have too much. This is on the too much side. Unless you think you can keep this going for the rest of your life (which you can't, especially if you have kids) you need to have a serious talk with him recalibrating expectations for physical and emotional intimacy.

 

I had a talk with him just now, about the sex issue, and he revealed that the times he was frustrated was when we were making out in bed, and he was led to believe that we were going to have sex (as we normally would), but then I just fall asleep (I know it doesn't sound good LOL). Sometimes I get really sleepy either because of alcohol or just it being my bed time, even though I did want to have sex, I'd just fall asleep while kissing. I told him I can understand if he's disappointed (as any man would be), but I wouldn't be comfortable being in a relationship where I'm expected to have sex every single day whether I feel like it or not otherwise you would feel bad. He reassured me that he doesn't want me worrying about our sex life, he wants me to enjoy it, and that while he has a high sex drive and would like to have sex every day if possible, he does not expect me to if I didn't want to.

 

Anyway we've both agreed that if I tell him beforehand that I was not up for it, while disappointed he probably wouldn't feel frustrated. He hasn't promised how he would react to that, but hopefully that should fix it!

 

As for having more things to talk about, that's a topic for another day!

[notalady]

I usually have sex with my bfs everytime we see each other. And perhaps ironically, I usually get grumpy if I don't get sex after being turned on. I can't help it and I know it's a terrible trait, but I do... He should try to keep it together though and maybe he's not even realizing he does it. Why don't you have a talk with him and let him know how it makes you feel? Chances are, he'll feel super guilty and didn't realize he was even doing it in the first place.

 

Haha, thanks for sharing the other side of the story I guess it's all about managing expectations!

[DylanNotorious]

If he's not interested in the cuddling part, and if he doesn't just want to layi there together watching a movie/tv and going to sleep (without sex), then I say he's not really into you. And if the conversation feels forced and uncomfortable then it's not a relationship that your having, your just having sex!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he's not interested in the cuddling part, and if he doesn't just want to layi there together watching a movie/tv and going to sleep (without sex), then I say he's not really into you. And if the conversation feels forced and uncomfortable then it's not a relationship that your having, your just having sex!

 

I agree. I will also say that setting up a relationship where you have to tell him in advance that you are not up for sex that night is making sex the defining part of the relationship. It is basically putting all the responsibility on you for his happiness because his happiness seems to revolve on sex every night. Therefore if he is not going to get it, he needs to be prepared in advance that he won't get sex. That is totally ridiculous.

[mhowe]

I'm still stuck on you falling asleep while he is kissing you! How does that happen? No one is that tired.....

[markfromark]

Have you googled "sex addiction" ?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm still stuck on you falling asleep while he is kissing you! How does that happen? No one is that tired.....

 

Well, when the kissing is not really about emotional intimacy and more about sexual gratification...simple foreplay for the main event which has happened practically every night since they started as a couple, I would think it would become old news..no longer a novelty to stay awake for.

[notalady]

I should clarify that we don't live together. I see him between 2 to 5 times a week depending on if he works late. So when I say 90% of the time, I means 90% of the time I stop by his place.

 

We used to both live an hour away from the CBD in opposite directions and meet in the CBD to do things and spent time together. We both work in the CBD and now that he has moved close to work (walking distance), and I still live an hour away, it is more convenient for me to stop by his place after work. I too would like to have sex every time I see him if the situation allows, since I only get to see him a handful of times a week.

 

That being said, we still sometimes meet just for dinner and movie. Or if he finish work early but I can't meet him that day, he would stop by my work just to give me a hug and kiss. He said just seeing me makes him happy.

 

So I'm NOT saying that every time I see him he is expecting sex and if he doesn't get it he won't be happy.

 

The "sex issue" happened during the few times (accross an extended period of time) when I stayed over. So I was worried this was going to be a recurring thing.

 

Instead of "just kissing" I should rephrase to that he was "making advances" and trying to "seduce" me. I knew that's what he was doing and I wanted to have sex, I was just really sleepy, so instead of saying I'm too tired or I want to go to sleep, I said nothing and kept trying to wake up, but obviously didn't. I guess from his point of view he didn't know what was going on and was left there hanging and thought maybe he did something wrong. So I can understand why that might be frustrating.

 

That's why we agreed that I would say something the next time the same situation happens. I want to give that a try and see how he reacts.

[notalady]

I'm still stuck on you falling asleep while he is kissing you! How does that happen? No one is that tired.....

 

Haha, I do get that sleepy if I had a few drinks, or if it's my bed time (say 11pm) and I'm in bed (whether by myself or cuddling with someone). I can take naps all day if I stay in bed, I fall asleep very easily if I am sleepy and there appears to be no stopping it! If I'm up and doing something, then I wouldn't get so sleepy.

 

I guess he can't figure out either how can someone get so sleepy

[pinkelephant]

lol, OP, these people are simply misconstruing your post. There's nothing here that suggest your relationship is the equivalent of a FWB. Don't let it get under your skin.

[notalady]

Thanks for the reassurance, Pinkelephant

[DylanNotorious]

Now your back-tracking like this issue was at the beginning of your relationship. So if it was at the beginning of the relationship and you've been dating for a year now, how come you start a thread as tho this type of behaviour from him is still happening?????

[notalady]

It is current. I said it happened accross an extended period of time, that is, a couple of times in the past and one time recently. If you meant how I said "I was worried", I meant I was when I made the initial post, and before I talked to him.

 

I still am worried that it's going to be recurring if we were to live together, but I will try what we agreed on and see if it works.

[Ms Darcy]

I hope you work on your communication with him asap. I don't know how you can be with someone for so long without meaningful conversation.

[notalady]

We used to have a lot of meaningful conversations and would chat till mid of the night sometimes. But now it seems that we had both gotten a bit too comfortable and lazy to get into serious discussion about things. (We would talk about issues and resolve them if there are any)

 

I can't deny it is partly my fault. I think the best way to fix it would be just start a meaningful conversation, and that should get things going again.

 

Any suggestions on things to talk about?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We used to have a lot of meaningful conversations and would chat till mid of the night sometimes. But now it seems that we had both gotten a bit too comfortable and lazy to get into serious discussion about things. (We would talk about issues and resolve them if there are any)

 

I can't deny it is partly my fault. I think the best way to fix it would be just start a meaningful conversation, and that should get things going again.

 

Any suggestions on things to talk about?

 

Conversations between two people should flow naturally through the natural rapport and common interests. It is not a good sign if there needs to be planning on what conversations to have prior to getting together. Current events, work happenings, etc are all topics of conversation that should come naturally during the course of being together.