Becoming a stay at home mom

[tinkerbellkj]

I am the mother to two very young children- 14 months and 9 weeks. After much discussion (and a huge jump in salary for my husband) we have made the decision for me to quit my job and become a SAHM. I do NOT make much at my current job, despite having an MA, as I work in social services. I have the option of working partly from home, and with my son that worked, but now with two I am really unable to give my job all it needs AND care for my two totally dependent children. So basically with the cost of part time childcare/gas I would not bring much home and I am really struggling to balance it all. Also, my husbands new job requires monthly traveling.

 

I have always wanted to stay home with my kids while they were young, but now that it's here I am terrified. I have always, always worked so the thought of NOT having a job is both exciting and terrifying. If all goes as planned I will stay home until my children are in school and then I will return to the workplace, of course if we are not able to financially get by I will get a job no problem.

 

I am facing a lot of negative reactions from people, however, I don't think most people realize how difficult it is to care for 2 under 2 (12 months and 9 days apart, actually!) AND work from home part time/coordinate childcare the rest of the time, but it's still making me feel down. I just wanted to see how other SAHM's do it and how the division of labor is split up in the house. I do pretty much all of the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc etc. However, my husband does help me once he gets home from work, he says this will not change once I am no longer working. I just fear that I will be stressed out that I am not bringing an income into the home. Any SAHM (or dad!) experience would be appreciated. Thanks.

[lostnscared]

I'm a SAHM to two twin girls that are nine months. Like you, I always wanted to be a SAHM, and I got a lot of negative reactions from friends as well. I was used to working, paying my bills, and taking care of myself. I have to say that staying at home has been very difficult, but also rewarding. There are many days however where I just want a "break". Like seriously want a break. Some days are better than others. I didn't necessarily miss bringing an income in(when I first became a SAHM) simply because I hated the jobs I had before and enjoyed staying at home far more than I did working. But overtime I did start to miss having my "own" money, because when I had my own money I was able to do it a lot more(go shopping, get my hair done, etc). Depending on my so's income alone, and taking care of two babies, meant sacrificing some of the things I used to be able to do with the income I had. I also sometimes felt(and still sometimes feel) like I need to be doing "something" working "toward" something other than cooking, cleaning, dieting, breastfeeding(which is SO constant) and taking care of the babies. I'd say that within the last two months I started feeling an itch to go back to work, or go to school. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY enjoy staying at home with the babies, because I'll never get this time back. But it is hard and sometimes I do miss "working" and having that "normal" life that I used to have. My original plan was to stay at home until my girls were 2 and then go back to school on the part time basis until they entered kindergarten at which I would go into the working force, but since then that plan has changed. Mainly because as I said before I feel "ready" to go back to work. And also because as of a month ago I made the hard decision that I was ready to be done with the relationship I had with my "so". We are currently separated and right now he is still willing to allow me to stay at home with the girls, and he gives me money(as well as my parents helping out too) which he will continue to do as long as we are "just" seperated and working on getting back together. But once I make it known that I have no interest in making it work, I suspect he'll cut me off and I'll have to go back to work anyway. So at this point I'll probably continue staying home until the girls turn one, then I'm going back to school(already in the registration process) and freelancing for extra income. All of that is irrelevant though.

My point is that I think overall being a SAHM these last 9 months has been very rewarding. But it's also been very hard, very isolating, and I felt at time like a waste of space(honestly). I'm feeling more and more ready to be independent again, and find my purpose in life(which I feel like is more than being a mom).

Hope that makes sense.

[Firiel]

I am not a SAHM, but my sister is. One thing she does to help with finances is coupon. The fact that she stays at home allows her to shop whenever she needs to in order to get the deals she finds. Right now, she is able to feed her family of three on $100/month. She is saving at least $200 a month by couponing which is pretty significant.

[tinkerbellkj]

Thank you, Lost. I understand what you mean. I have been working from home and BASICALLY being a SAHM, so it's really hard doing both, BUT I do get a few days a week out of the house and even though it's hard I am still doing something and the challenge I have enjoyed. I just feel very guilty because I am NOT putting enough effort into work and I feel overwhelmed by it, so that's ultimately what lead to my decision. I wish so much I could do it all, because I do like it all, but I just can't. I have the same fears that you described and if they overtake me I will definitely have to reevaluate. My husband is very supportive of me and our family.

 

Also, another reason for my decision to leave is that my family is a plane ride away and I do want the opportunity to visit with them more often (and on a plus my husband will need to travel near where they live).

 

But, thank you Lost for your post, it's good to hear from you!

[tinkerbellkj]

I am not a SAHM, but my sister is. One thing she does to help with finances is coupon. The fact that she stays at home allows her to shop whenever she needs to in order to get the deals she finds. Right now, she is able to feed her family of three on $100/month. She is saving at least $200 a month by couponing which is pretty significant.

 

WOW, $100.00 a month!? That is pretty impressive!!! She should teach a class! I am trying to learn to coupon, but I'm not that great with it, however, I do plan to get better and work harder on that.

[lostnscared]

I don't know how I will do with school at this point--with two babies--it's going to be very difficult, in terms of finding ways to get homework done, study, etc. I'm nervous. But on the other hand, I need to be doing something(at least I feel like it) because sometimes I felt somewhat unhappy just taking care of babies, cleaning, cooking, etc all day. I don't feel like this is "me". I enjoy it a lot of the time, but I just feel like something is missing(or that's how I've felt lately). It could just be that my relationship problems have ruined it for me, maybe if I had a "so" that I still was in love with and that treated me the way I wanted to be treated, then I would love it and feel better about it.

 

I think it's def. a to each their own thing. I have a friend who stays at home with 4 kids, and makes it look like it's a piece of cake. She loves it. She needs her breaks(like we all do LOL) but for the most part she doesn't feel the itch to work, and loves being at home. She had worked for a brief period of time, and was able to work, cook, clean, and take care of all four kids. My mom was the same way. And my sister in law is the same way. But I'm different. I won't even lie, there have been days, where I have wanted to crawl under the bed and just be by myself. Or days where I feel irritated and wanted to be doing something else--anything else--but doing what I was doing. Also days where the babies annoyed me a lot(I know this may be too honest lol). And I thought to myself, "maybe f I worked and came home after work I would appreciate this time with them a lot more".. I don't know.

[lostnscared]

I am not a SAHM, but my sister is. One thing she does to help with finances is coupon. The fact that she stays at home allows her to shop whenever she needs to in order to get the deals she finds. Right now, she is able to feed her family of three on $100/month. She is saving at least $200 a month by couponing which is pretty significant.

 

Wow that is impressive. I certainly wasn't able to do that. I can't find the time, and when I do have the time, I take advantage and do something for myself(i.e take a bath, watch a show I've been trying to catch up on, etc.) I honestly don't feel like having to do that when I have leisure time lol. I could just be lazy though. I definitely am going to start putting more effort into finding sales.

[greywolf]

I don't have much to contribute except to tell you to ignore the people who are negative. Taking care of your children is the most important job there is.

[Godel]

I have always wanted to stay home with my kids while they were young, but now that it's here I am terrified. I have always, always worked so the thought of NOT having a job is both exciting and terrifying. If all goes as planned I will stay home until my children are in school and then I will return to the workplace, of course if we are not able to financially get by I will get a job no problem.

 

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this. Changes in lifestyle are always stressful, and usually terrifying, that doesn't mean it's a bad idea. And by the way, raising two children is a job.

 

I am facing a lot of negative reactions from people, however, I don't think most people realize how difficult it is to care for 2 under 2 (12 months and 9 days apart, actually!) AND work from home part time/coordinate childcare the rest of the time, but it's still making me feel down. I just wanted to see how other SAHM's do it and how the division of labor is split up in the house. I do pretty much all of the cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc etc. However, my husband does help me once he gets home from work, he says this will not change once I am no longer working. I just fear that I will be stressed out that I am not bringing an income into the home. Any SAHM (or dad!) experience would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

I imagine the negative reactions are from people projecting their views on happiness on you. You have every right to pursue happiness in the way you define it. As far as bringing an income into the home, just keep in mind that there are other ways to contribute to the household besides financially.

 

To address the division of labor. I've never had a stay at home wife, but I know guys that have. The best piece of advise I can give you is that when your husband gets home from work, you need to realize that just because he hasn't been watching the kids all day doesn't mean he isn't tired from work, and he needs to realize that just because you haven't been at work all day doesn't mean you aren't tired from taking care of the kids.

[pippy longstocking]

I was a stay at home mum ...and now I only work part time

 

my lassy is 13 ..my job doesn not finish until 10 pm ...she will not be made to stay up that late then come home from child care at this age ..therefore I work part time so it only a couple of nights she has this .

 

emily comes first ..

 

I am sorry if I sound old fashioned or even controversial ....children need a mum or dad at home ...

 

the little people need and want that

 

and I for one think what you have decided to do is fab fab fab ...

 

you brought children into this world ...you are mum , you love and care and nurture ..hunter gatherer husband goes to kill the meat and drag it home every day ......

 

 

just lovely and a lovely dynamic ...

[abitbroken]

the biggest myth is staying at home with kids is not a job. it is a full time job. And i think that in the end when you send them off to kindergarten or preschool you will be happy with your decision.

 

I also think for your sanity, its a good idea to get them into a once a week or so play group when they are of age so you have a chance to socialize with other parents. The biggest thing a lot of moms lament is the loss of "talking to grownups."

[luminousone]

I have been a SAHM for 16 years! I have never regretted it - in fact, I think it was very necessary most especially for my older son that has ADHD and I believe he also on the Asperger spectrum. So daycare would have been very difficult for him (and the daycare providers...).

 

I have an MA as well, and while it did change my career plans I have NO regrets.

 

I have used my time and talents volunteering in my sons' school, for the scouts, for church, etc. All in support of my sons and the programs they are in.

 

Last year I finally took the plunge and started subbing at my younger son's school, and now I am getting ready to apply for a full time job next week!

 

Here are my observations: It is really difficult to carve out time for yourself, so build that into the day if you can. Nurture your relationship with your husband, and as difficult as it may be to do make sure you schedule date nights and quality time with him. Encourage him to take an active part in parenting - my then husband felt left out a bit because I spent so much time with the kids and they bonded with me. So we took parenting classes together and I encouraged him to go to doctor appointments and all of the school conferences. I had to let go of him doing things "perfectly" too. I found that after a while I really craved adult companionship - especially after a long day - but my then husband was exhausted after work all day, so we had to balance our needs. I also found that my husband felt stress from being the only provider - he worried about having the load on his shoulders. However, the fact that I had an MA and a possible career that usually has openings in the field did make him feel better.

 

So next week I may be changing my whole life around, but it will be good for all of us if I get the job.

 

You know what works best for your own family, so don't let other people's opinions sway you. Every person and every family is different. This is a decision between you and your husband and you should consider all the personalities involved including your children. It is not just a financial decision, but the whole picture needs to be considered.

 

I probably would have gone back to work after a few years if it were not for my older son. My younger would have been fine in day care...

 

My only regret was not keeping informed and in touch with my field of study (speech-language pathology) because I have forgotten so very much.

 

Good luck to you!

[Fudgie]

It sounds like you thought your choice through well. Don't let the naysayers stop you. You have two very young children and your job wasn't bringing in that much anyway. My mom worked all the time but she's a doctor, so of course she was raking it in. I was raised by a nanny. There were good and bad things about that, but overall, it was fine. Childcare costs are really high and if you weren't making much to start with, well, you gotta do what you gotta do. I think going back to work when the kids go to school is perfectly acceptable and a good goal. But right now they are home all the time.

 

From what I've seen with SAHMs, yeah, they don't really get to go out as much. You have to really cut costs and whatnot. Maybe learn some at-home remedies and ways of doing things so you don't have to spend much. And get really, really good at cooking. I've been doing so much of my own cooking lately and I'm saving loads because I don't go out as much as I used to. You can make it work. For some, it's worth it. You get to bond with the kids and there are NO childcare costs and there is decreased gas costs too.

[BellaDonna]

I too think you should avoid and ignore the negative people. If this is what you and your family has decided is best for you, who are they to judge??

 

I took a long maternity leave- 6 months- when my son was born. Some of the experiences I had during that time would apply to being a SAHM.

 

The pros to it were

 

*There was no pressure to always be "on the go". I didn't have to rush to take my child to a childcare center and then to work. When we woke up we could lounge around and stay in our pajamas if that is what we wanted to do.

 

*I was able to focus on my son 100%

 

*I didn't have to worry if my son was well cared for.

The cons were:

*When there is no work to wake up and get ready to go to- it is easy to "let yourself go", so to speak. One time I went to the grocery store in pajamas and I was afraid of myself and said "What the HELL are you doing??!!!! You would never have done this before". I never did do it again.

 

*It can be socially isolating. This for me, was by far the most difficult.

 

*I missed the alone time I had at work, in that I could eat lunch in peace, focus my mind on something other than wife and mom mode, etc.

 

*One time my husband made the dreaded "You've been home all day" remark. That did not go over well.

 

 

All in all for me there were more cons than pros to being home, and I was itching to go back to work. However every now and then I'll have a day or two when I was I was a SAHM. Having experienced a little of it while i was on maternity leave, I found that staying home and running a household, is more work- but it is a different kind of work. You are your own boss, which is the nice part.

 

If you are going to stay home I would think that keeping your mind busy and surrounding yourself with adult company whenever possible is the way to go. One of my most favorite things about staying home was getting together with one of my friends, who was also home with her 2 boys. Her company meant so much to me at that time.

 

You and your husband must also equally value and appreciate each other's worlds.

[Seraphim]

I can say I wish I had more time with my son when he was small. I wish I had not had to work at the time. I sincerely regret it. I am glad for the time I have with him now. People think they have EONS with their kids. In reality they don't.

[tinkerbellkj]

Thank you everyone.

[Batya33]

I work really hard as a full time mom of a three year old. I worked really hard before in my 14 year career (and I had other careers/jobs for about 5 years prior to the 14 year career) so it trained me well for this. Division of labor - I do 90% or more of all the cooking/cleaning/housework and I do 90% of the childcare during the week and if my husband is not traveling on the weekends then he probably does close to half of the childcare during the weekend and takes us for the big shopping trips (I do not drive yet). When I get to go out (rarely!) my husband does 100% of the childcare (my typical night out requires about an hour of childcare before he goes to sleep and I still do the same amount of housework (i.e. when he goes out I do 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housework/clean up). I find this fair. He is awesome with our son - a real natural -and our son is happy to be with either of us with rare exception (sometimes he has a preference but never to an extent where the other parent can't leave). I plan to return to work other than full time mom work in some capacity within the year.

 

My husband knows how hard I work. Other people don't always know or get it. I work hard at not caring what others think. I do know in my personal family situation that it was the best decision all around and remains so. But I mean "personal" -I don't have any generalizations about what's best for a child in general although the thoughts cross my mind at times (I just think it's unfair to generalize).

[smartone]

My kids are 9 and 11 and I've always stayed home with them. I have a perfectly good teaching degree, but choose to work from home on an internet business, homeschool my children, and drive them all over town for activities and such. Oh yeah, I've also been a single mom for the last 4 years. Anything is possible that is important to you, and your children will have the BEST possible care with you!

 

I would like to second what somebody said about the man and woman's perspective...at the end of the day, you will both be exhausted, so you need to discuss how this will be handled. You want the end of your day to include some "picking up the house" time so that your husband isn't tripping over toys on the way in the door. ALWAYS get dressed in the morning, even if it's in shorts/sweat pants/t-shirt. You will be much more productive than you will if you wear pj's all day (even if you sleep in shorts/sweat pants/t-shirts!) Try to get out of the house daily, even if it's just to your backyard (or park nearby).

 

The people who react negatively...they are jealous. They either really wish they could stay home, or they feel badly because they don't want to even though they know (because they have read/heard) that it's what's best for children. They are embarrassed that they aren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a SAHM. So they belittle it. Ignore them. Who cares what they think?