How Did You Know That Someone Genuinely Loved You?

[mhowe]

I stayed at his place the other night. When I was driving off the next morning, he was standing there wearing the woolen cap I bought him, waving and even blowing me a kiss. There was something about the way he looked at me, and I really knew he does love me.

 

The next time your are feeling uncertain and insecure, pull up that memory. While my bf and I were apart, at one point I did a review of the relationship and wrote down the top 10 memories of wonderful times....whether it was a weekend or a moment. I pull it out when I am feeling ambivalent about "where" we are -- -and it does wonders to remind me of what we have.

 

When we are feeling insecure or unsure, it is easy to focus on the negative, or blow something completely out of proportion. Focus on what you have, today.

And live in the moment.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks for that advice Mhowe. I will be using it sooner than I could have imagined. Something is happening atm - he has been given the opportunity to sign up for a very long lease where he lives - at least 3 years. He rang me today to tell me and asked if I would like to move in with him if he agrees. I've told him I don't know. We were both hoping to get a new place together, but what he is being offered is more stable and likely more affordable. We talked about it for a while. I pointed out the reasons for my apprehensions. At the end of the conversation, he said: "Don't worry, whatever we decide, things are going to work out, and you do know I love you, don't you?"

 

I knew his lease was coming up for renewal and thought he would be signing up for another year, and then we would likely get a joint place. He's looking at all angles and has lots to think about with regard to financial investments and work atm. He did also point out that if he signs for 3 years and then finds a better place in the region I want to live in - a place which would suit both us us better - that it wouldn't be the end of the world if he broke the lease. It's not like I have to move in with him tomorrow or anything, but it feels weird and scarey, especially due to previous failures in other relationships. I don't recall reassurance from the previous partners whatever my decision though - just a lot of persuasive talk from them of how I would be better off to live with them and how that would be best for the relationship which needless to say was a lot of crock.

 

Ill keep that memory of him there waving and smiling and blowing me a kiss. Thank you.

[mhowe]

Not that you need advice on this -- but I would say that if, for your bf, the 3 yr lease makes sense right now, he should do it. And you should chill a bit on making that decision until you refind that place at your center ---so you will be co-habitating w/ him out of desire and want -----and not insecurity.

 

Your current bf is not making this about money or the "relationship" --- he wants you to do what is best for you. Listen to that. It is unusual!!!

[Silverbirch]

Mhowe, what surprised me, and he has said this to me before, is that I should become more "hard-nosed" about my relationship decisions and take better care of myself by making decisions based on my personal needs and benefit. No man has EVER said that to me in my life.

 

Mhowe, we have been daydreaming and talking lately about so many things we would like to do together - growing vegetables, bee-keeping and things with our horses and other animals. We have been missing each other due to distance, work and commitments.

 

Oh, I am scared to live with him right now because of insecurity. When I did tell him about specific concerns I have, he said they were all valid, and needed to be thought through carefully. Yes, I think for himself especially, he should re-sign the lease regardless of whether or not I move in with him at some point.

 

Thanks.

[mhowe]

When you have spent a life time accommodating others, it is difficult to learn to put your self first. And to view it not as selfish, but self-focused, which is healthy.

 

He's a keeper (and I don't mean bees

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Mhowe,

It's now morning here and no awake long. Guess I'll just have to wait a while now to see how things pan out.

[90_hour_sleep]

When you have spent a life time accommodating others, it is difficult to learn to put your self first. And to view it not as selfish, but self-focused, which is healthy.

 

i agree.

 

if i could add to that, i'd also suggest that there is a very fine balance to ''putting yourself first''. an essential part of any human relationship is thinking of another's happiness first. this doesn't mean that you throw your own out the door, but rather, you take a few moments to consider the other person before you jump on the ''me'' wagon. consider (isn't that exactly what David when he suggested that you adopt the 'hard nose'? and how did that make you feel?). it's definitely a balance. i think this requires a tremendous amount of self-awareness...and a keen sense about what is going on with another person. i think you need to understand your own value...and have an established sense of worthiness within yourself. because all of this boils down to something very INTERNAL. it's not about how you choose to respond to the physical world. for example, putting someone else first doesn't mean you tolerate behavior which you find unacceptable. you don't become a doormat. what it really means is that you refuse to perpetuate hostility...ignorance...etc.

 

self-awareness is wonderful...and developing self-love seems to be the first step towards allowing another person to love YOU. i think so much of this boils down to not being exclusively self-focussed, and to always maintain a healthy degree of separation from that mentality. self-focus has so much potential to be unfulfilling on the grandest scale. often, it's a very lonely place. balance. focus on yourself to the point where you must in order to maintain your own levels of self-love. but beyond that...consider the other.

[Silverbirch]

Hi 90, well when he said that, it stopped me in my tracks and I was trying to work out the context in how he meant it. One of the things I discussed with him just prior to that comment is that I am only now almost paid off debt from my ex-ex from years ago. I had moved in with him and he left after 4 months, claiming to have just been diagnosed with bipolar. He told me that if I kept the house going on my own, he would be back when the bipolar was stabilised and he was well. I had a tough time getting another tennant to move in and wracked up debt to pay the rent. From what I can make out, he does have bipolar, something he never mentioned in the 8 years I was with him, and claimed to have just been diagnosed with. I moved out of the house after around a year, but allowed myself to be strung along for another year.

 

I've now lived with 2 men who both benefitted financially and socially from that, then dumped me and replaced me with other women. That's been difficult emotionally and financially for me. I'm in a share house in a lovely place. I have a fair amount of privacy and it is affordable. If I had to go through any of that again, I feel it would literally kill me.

 

I would like to eventually live with him and do all those good things, but I need to take care of my own welfare too. I know that property isn't ideal for him, but it's affordable and stable for him right now and that's what he needs in his life too. I'm sure it wont mean our relationship will end, but due to other restraints in our lives, the time we have together will be limited and we definitely won't get to do those things together - not while we live apart.

[The_Seeker]

Hey Silverbirch!

 

I haven't followed every single post or read every single post.

 

Reading about you were replaced just like that even though you sound like a good woman to me, freaks me out about relationship with one man.

 

I can see why sometimes both genders will have more than one partner at a same time just in case the one they fall for really hard dumps and replaces them. But at the same time it doesn't feel right doing that.

[90_hour_sleep]

it's obviously a good thing for you to be aware right now...and to look out for yourself. it would be foolish to rush into something that doesn't feel whole-heartedly ''right'' (based on past lessons learned).

 

it's interesting to me that he said what he said. do you think he sincerely had your welfare in mind? was that the motivation? i'm not saying that to make you doubt him. it's genuine curiosity. so much of what you've said about him already speaks to a certain integrity. i think when you discover trust in THAT...other things will naturally fall into place. it seems less about the finer details...and more about that crucial level of unadulterated trust. if you trust his integrity...there could never be any reasonable doubt...could there?

 

perhaps maintaining your relative independence is exactly what is right for this relationship. healthy separation. autonomy. more space for the relationship to thrive...for everything to unfold according to its natural inclinations.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Seeker, to me the thought of more than one partner at the same time would greatly interfere with my headspace. I just don't want to do that. I'd rather be alone. The thing is also that when I have lived on my own, although at times it can be a little solitary, I've had great places and I guess have been successful although not much cash left over.

 

90, I think he had BOTH of our welfare in mind. With regard to relationships, he's been very different to me. He has ended several relationships after around 4 months. In one instance, the girl was pressuring him to have a child right away - her biological clock was ticking, another was 15 years younger than him and he said this brought about too much conflict, another had depression and was on a lot of medication. He was more hard-nosed and saved himself a lot of potential emotional and financial hurt. He did become a loner and stayed on his own for many years because of that. He said that he didn't meet anyone who it seemed right to be with. Then when we got together, he said it had been worth the wait though for a little while did go into a bit of a panic and slowed down for a while taking things slower. He says he feels very secure with me, trusts me, knows I love him and that we want the same things and are compatible. He says that if the sex ever left the relationship - which doesn't seem to be happening yet - that there are other good things that could keep us wanting to be together.

 

Having said all of that, I doubt he would stay if I turned out to be a real burden on him - something I'm not planning on doing.

 

On a practical side, the pasture at his current property, is by his own admission not suitable for my equines and 2 of his, and we had planned for those 2 of his to come and stay with me here at least in spring, maybe longer. My ponies are all in top condition, largely due to the type of pasture and the dryness coarseness, slope and hardness of the ground surface. I think they would get sick if I moved to that part of the valley. Unfortunately, the area I live in has become "discovered", properties are now hard to come by and expensive. I am not in a position where he can come live here with me. If that was a possibility, he says he would move here.

 

90, I don't think he would cheat on me, and I think he is very upfront about the importance of both people maintaining some personal autonomy. He has said to me, though not unkindly that he knows I am very needy for love. I don't think he is needy in the same way.

[The_Seeker]

I would run sooo fast if a guy ever said that to me.

 

This makes sense why you are questioning this in your thread.

[Silverbirch]

No that has not caused me to question his feelings for me Seeker. It was not said in a way which was unkind, and there is some truth to what he said. It was one of the reasons I stayed with those exes when I should have run. My most recent ex was a psychologist and he knew all the right things to say to people when he wanted to gain their confidence and trust. You can't always go by WHAT people say to you, but more by how they treat you - their actions.

[Batya33]

Although you've posted that you have, it seems to me you haven't gotten to the root of whether your insecurities about his feelings for you and this relationship (reflected by what you've written and the way you analyze what he does and says - that's of course my subjective opinion) are because of how he treats you or because of your past and mindset such that you'd be this way with anyone. I think you tell yourself it's the latter but your ruminations about him, what he says, he does, suggest to me that while that may be partially true- you would be this way with anyone -it's not entirely true. I think if you got to the root of what triggers your insecurities you'd have more to work with so that what he said/did would be analyzed from a different perspective than currently and you wouldn't be confused or feel the need to self-talk to reassure yourself. I think you have all that you need for self-honesty but something is holding you back in this particular situation. I know the typical suggestion is therapy so I make that typical suggestion here, for this situation.

[Silverbirch]

Have you had therapy yourself Bataya?

[Batya33]

Have you had therapy yourself Bataya?

 

I'm not sure why that's a relevant question. I'll answer that I'm very familiar with different kinds of therapy and I don't think whether I've had therapy makes me more or less qualified to suggest that it might be an option for someone else. I'm not a therapist and have not had training as one (but it's always been an interest of mine). If you don't think I'm qualified to suggest that you look into it unless I've tried it myself I respect that -simply ignore my suggestion if that is the case.

[Realitynut]

Hey, Hey, Hey!!! I've been in therapy and I'm still screwed up!!! lol

 

Feeling very down Silver....going up to Wisconsin on Sunday to get my things!

 

Everyone on here, please say a prayer for me, or keep your fingers crossed, or put good vibes out into the universe...whatever...I need everything that I can get! It's gonna be a rough time for me.

 

S.B. I'd probably move in with David...only cuz I like sleeping next to someone every night!!! lol...besides my dog!

 

Love to all....Carla

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

I've been thinking lots of you and said prayers and sending out lots of good vibes to the universe for you. So sorry for what you are going through.

 

LOL Carla, you think you are screwed up - not as much as my ex who is a psychologist. LOL Would you believe he sent me another text tonight asking if I want to meet up with him for coffee. LMAO! It's Saturday night here - maybe he's gotten a bit lonely and/desperate for sex. LOL! I haven't replied. Says he has some mail for me - he should have just readdressed it which was what he did when he dumped me. Silly bugger. Well, my motto as far as he is concerned these days is: "What I think and feel is none of his business." If and when I do communicate with him, I am polite and civil, but I wouldn't say friendly and I have boundaries in place.

 

I had to work today and tonight and tomorrow too. Don't get a break from work until Tuesday. David and I talked on the phone tonight and both of us agree that we should wait until around another year and if things continue to work out, will get a place together rather than me move into his place. I was a little apprehansive at first of telling him exactly what I thought, but when I did, he was great saying he thought I was right. I also told him that as I am a woman, there are some things which are important to me which I don't think mean a lot to him as far as houses go, and so I have my own set of criteria. He was laughing and saying, Oh Yes, You're a Woman - in a very nice way. Well, I didn't go into a lot of detail, but I'm quite certain he gets the gist of what I mean. His stove has one element on it which works and the oven hasn't worked for years and likely never been cleaned. Things like that he couldn't care less about and not the end of the world to me, but yes, I think when the time comes, I will be excited and I'm very happy to find now that we seem to be on the same page with regard to timing and getting a new place together.

 

I'm hoping that when you see Dan he has gotten fat and bald and some of his teeth have fallen out, and better still that you meet another guy who is really really nice in all the ways that are important to you. Mail me Hon. Let's speak soon. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Realitynut]

Unfortunately, dan was very good about keeping in shape. He was getting a bald spot in the back of his head, and always wanted me to buy 'spray on' hair for that spot. He'd be almost completely gray, but he's colored his hair and mustache for YEARS...very vain. And yes, unfortunately , his teeth are gorgeous...lol!

 

I'ts me that's got fat....but I still have all my teeth!!!!

 

It's almost 3 in the morning....it's starting to get cold where you live, and it's dang HOT here today! The guy that is going with me wanted to originally leave at 5 in the morning....at first I thought he was kidding!!!! lol....He moved it up to 6. So I'll get about 2 hours of sleep....that should make me especially crabby tomorrow!!! lol

 

Just had a bat flying around here in the house, so I'm glad I WASN in bed!!! lolHe found his way out the door...how they get in, I'll never know....

 

Will talk when things settle down, I've been trying to refinish my living rm floor in the house I'm going to be moving BACK in to. And it looks like crap.

 

Will tell you everything....and more....lol...later...had a guy spend the night. First guy to sleep in my bed since Dan. All he did was complain the next morning how awful my bed was, and how stiff he was...and not THAT stiff...lol....he left and I haven't heard from him since. I'm not contacting him either....ass....

 

The only thing funny was....I warned him that my pup joins me in the middle of the night and sleeps under the covers. Well, about 5 a.m. there she is. I tried to corral her between MY legs, but she climbed over mine, and got between HIS!!! lol....you should have heard the noises he made!!! I laughed and laughed. I still laugh to think about it! So it wasn't a total waste...I laughed. Oh, and the sex wasn't good either...just in case you're wondering...lol

[Realitynut]

well I just got back from Dan's house tonite. when he came walking towards me, I told him I didn't want to look at him or talk to him...I'm not sure what he said, but the next thing I knew I was in his arms sobbing. Hoping that this was going to put the final 'lid' on the whole 'i'm in love with dan' thing...didn't work. We hugged, we kissed, we talked....and the guys loading the van was getting kinda put out about it!!! lol....

 

Remember when I said he could always be grouchy and nasty on the phone, but then when I'd get to his house, he was always sweet as pie!!! Yep, same Dan. He alluded to the fact he wasn't 'sure' about her either. He said maybe he just couldn't stay in love...or something to that effect.

 

for me, it was like time stood still. All the feelings, everything was still there. Of course it didn't help to see his chin quiver more than I've ever seen it quiver before, and LOTs of tears in his eyes. And cheeks. and he was not a big crier....like me....lol...

 

He said I was beautiful...lol...of course...i tried my best...lol...he said his biking days are over, and the walks that we went on he missed. He was quite upset I didn't bring puppy. But I told him that he didn't deserve to see her.....

 

He still wanted 'money' that he thinks I owe him...I gave him 500 bucks...and said that was IT! I said he really should OWE ME!

 

I kept telling him that I missed him terribly...so much for acting like I didn't care....

 

I asked him again if he ever thought we'd be together again....lol...like after both my parents were dead....he said he thought too much water had gone over the dam. That always was his standard answer.

 

Maybe I'll just go with the realization that no one will ever measure up, that I was in love, and be happy it happened at all. Go on with my life. Work on my house, and just be alone. Unfortunatley, I'm one of those people that when I'm alone...I'm LONELY TOO!

 

It felt so good to hold him. And we both kissed little kisses...lots...and he patted my butt lots of times...and commented that I still had a nice butt!!! lol

 

DANG...I wish I hated him.....

[Silverbirch]

Big Hugs Carla,

I somehow think you won't be alone for too long. Must have been hard to see him in that situation. I'm glad you only gave him the $500. I got a txt from my ex the other day asking to meet for coffee. I didn't reply for a few days, but did txt back telling him I am too busy. I asked him if he would mind forwarding on photos of mine that were on his computer. I'm glad I don't feel the same way as you do towards Dan. In a way, it feels now almost like I was never with G. I never felt the same physical attraction towards him that you have felt towards Dan.

 

LOL, you had another man in your bed??? Too bad he was a grouch.

[Silverbirch]

Big Hugs Carla,

I somehow think you won't be alone for too long. Must have been hard to see him in that situation. I'm glad you only gave him the $500. I got a txt from my ex the other day asking to meet for coffee. I didn't reply for a few days, but did txt back telling him I am too busy. I asked him if he would mind forwarding on photos of mine that were on his computer. I'm glad I don't feel the same way as you do towards Dan. In a way, it feels now almost like I was never with G. I never felt the same physical attraction towards him that you have felt towards Dan.

 

LOL, you had another man in your bed??? Too bad he was a grouch.

[Silverbirch]

Part of me is so wanting to move in with him NOW. Funny thing, the other night he said to me: "I know you genuinely love me". Of course, I wanted to know how he knew that. LOL!

 

Anyway, I've got enough common sense to not be moving in yet. He has invited me to build my vegetable garden at his home. The soil there is much better for growing things than on the property I am on. I have invited him to move some of his horses to my property in the spring when the grass where he lives is especially too rich for many horses.

 

I'm missing him as work for both of us means that we don't get to see as much of each other as we would like.