How Did You Know That Someone Genuinely Loved You?

[a proud nerd]

I opened this post because of a situation with my own "girlfriend" (complicated situation, look at some of my other posts if you're really that interested). I don't know for sure if she loves me. I don't know for sure if I truly love her, as we're both still only in High School. What I can tell you is that what I feel for her is the closest thing to love I have ever known if it isn't actually love. I remember a note from my grandfather to my grandmother during WWII, he responded to her asking why she loved him. I think this pertains here. He said that he couldn't answer that because when you truly love someone its not one thing that makes you love them its everything about them. The love is a part of you its not a choice you make its like the color of your eyes or the shape of your face, it can't be changed. That helped me to realize that I believe I love her.

 

As far as knowing if another loves you, it's hard to tell. If it was easy then relationships would be easier. Often enough I'm better at looking at other's situations and giving advice than deciding on my own, so I'll tell you my thoughts on this.

 

If a person truly loves you, you will see it, hear it, feel it. You'll see it in their actions, in their eyes when they tell you, in the way they act when they know you're there and when they don't, the way they act around others. You'll hear it in their voice when they say it, you'll hear when they say it, how often they say it, who they talk to about you. You'll feel it in your stomach, in your heart, in your mind, in your soul.

 

I suppose that's what has gotten me thinking. She sort of cheated on me, but only if you use that term loosely. Again, check my other posts if you care that much. But I've noticed all of those things, so I guess she loves me too...

 

Or it means my points had no meaning. God I hate forcing myself to think like that

[Fudgie]

I sense some uncertainty in your posts when you talk about him. What exactly gives you doubts? I can see the distance and the time spent apart (for work) being a factor. Do you like the fact that he is very logical and pragmatic, or is it something that you still struggle a little getting used to? When I said "all your needs met", I met in terms of a relationship, not ALL your needs. We all need friends and social interaction outside of a relationship.

[90_hour_sleep]

hey silver,

 

i asked because i think you need to know what love means to you before you can know that someone loves you. i'm not saying you need to know the definition of love...i'm saying you need to know what it means to you.

 

my opinion on the matter is that you can't rationalize love...or define it based on anything other than your own unique 'knowing'. i'm sure that sounds vague. but what you've written about your son...that's exactly what i mean. do you know that your son loves you? does your love for him depend on that knowing?

 

i honestly don't think it has anything to do with expression at all. someone saying they love you doesn't make that love a fact. someone acting as though they love you doesn't make that love a fact. probably because love isn't a word...and it isn't a feeling. these things obviously help us to know...but i think they're often misrepresented as the knowing itself.

 

i used to think it was stupid when people said, ''you just know...''

 

but i think that's the most apt way of putting it. you just know. or...maybe you allow yourself to know. let go of the awkward feeling of not knowing. put a bit of faith in your journey...the path you've taken to get to this point. what else can you do? you're not the same person you were when you were with the other men. you've grown. you're more aware. i think you've attracted a man into your life who is representative of that.

 

if you throw out the past...everything that you thought you were...what does your gut tell you? do you feel loved?

[Silverbirch]

Why aren't those differences positive - doesn't it make things more interesting -doesn't it help you two complement each other? One of my friends said to me the other day in a similar context "well you don't marry yourself, right?"

 

Hi Bataya,

Sorry I only just saw your post. Yes, that is a good point. We do complement each other in that way.

[Silverbirch]

I sense some uncertainty in your posts when you talk about him. What exactly gives you doubts? I can see the distance and the time spent apart (for work) being a factor. Do you like the fact that he is very logical and pragmatic, or is it something that you still struggle a little getting used to? When I said "all your needs met", I met in terms of a relationship, not ALL your needs. We all need friends and social interaction outside of a relationship.

 

Hi Fudgie,

I think it is more a lack of confidence in my own judgement, especially as I didn't see the previous breakup coming.

 

Most of the time I like that he is very logical and pragmatic. Every so often,I wouldn't mind if he chilled on that a bit, for example, only watching documentaries - and they are mostly engineering documentaries. Usually though, if I am sitting in front of a television, it means I am very tired, too tired to be doing anything else so I either fall asleep or veg out. When we do watch TV together though, we are always cuddled up together and have fallen asleep together on the couch which has been nice - despite the engineering documentaries.

[Silverbirch]

That's very nice about your grandparents Proud Nerd.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs 90, yes my love for my son does not depend on what he says or does or whether he loved me, but I KNOW he does.

 

Well, my gut tells me that with this current man, and I'm shocked to say this - I am the love of his life. I can hardly believe I am writing that, but yes, it's what my gut is telling me. I don't know that he would meet anyone who would feel quite the same way towards him as I feel - as though he is - sounds so silly - almost like perfect both despite and because of his imperfections which aren't really too bad anyway but feel like a good match to my personality. He has told me many times that he likes/loves everything about me except that I still smoke cigarettes and says he will never change his mind about that - the cigarettes.

[The_Seeker]

I know everyone is saying "Action speaks louder than words."

 

Be careful with actions.

 

People are very good ACTORS. They can be there with you physically, but they can somewhere else. Two-timing player.

 

Be care with words.

 

People are good at saying sweet nothings only to get what they want. Ha ha gold-diggers.

 

How do you know if someone GENUINELY loves you? If they can deal your "psycho" attitude. In other words, WHEN YOU GOT NOTHING LEFT, and whether or not they will stand by you and find a way for you to get out of that funk or leave you.

 

That's how I determine how someone loves me.

 

Words and actions don't mean much to me like it did during my first two relationships. I depended on that a lot, but I've grown up since. Apparently, my current can deal with my attitude and I can deal with his. My attitude is once I'm tempered I speak my mind and so does he. We find a way to fix the problem. But we haven't got into deeper issues like other couples face. I hope that when we do have to face them, we'll get figure it out unless one of us cheats, or lied, etc. That to me, is over. No way going back.

[Fudgie]

Hi Fudgie,

I think it is more a lack of confidence in my own judgement, especially as I didn't see the previous breakup coming.

 

Most of the time I like that he is very logical and pragmatic. Every so often,I wouldn't mind if he chilled on that a bit, for example, only watching documentaries - and they are mostly engineering documentaries. Usually though, if I am sitting in front of a television, it means I am very tired, too tired to be doing anything else so I either fall asleep or veg out. When we do watch TV together though, we are always cuddled up together and have fallen asleep together on the couch which has been nice - despite the engineering documentaries.

 

I understand.

 

Him being logical and pragmatic isn't really connected to him watching engineering documentaries. That just sounds like an interest. Like how most of what I watch has to do with law enforcement and crime. My boyfriend and I have watched numerous documentaries over the years together but I don't think it has anything to do with being logical/pragmatic. My little brother is that way but he is not fond of docus. It's just a difference in taste. I guess you could try suggesting that you watch something YOU like together, and see how he enjoys it.

[Silverbirch]

Seeker,

Good points. My current really stood by me when I had cancer even though we had only been together a short while.

[The_Seeker]

Seeker,

Good points. My current really stood by me when I had cancer even though we had only been together a short while.

 

Knowing a majority would run away after hearing that you had cancer.

 

Why?

 

Waste of time, not worth it etc. Could be a number of things.

 

He must of saw something beautiful in you, to stay with you STILL. You are loved, my dear. I hope your relationship stays that way.

 

You are so lucky. I hope I will find something like that one day.

[Silverbirch]

Fudgie, we BOTH like comedy, especially some of the older English stuff like "To The Manor Born" and some of the more obscure Australian productions. My favourite character though would be Joanna Lumley in "Absolutely Fabulous". He's mad about that stuff too. I've only in this last week acquired a television of my own. Haven't owned one for a couple of years and haven't watched a comedy together yet.

[Fudgie]

Watching TV together is a great way to bond, Silverbirch, at least in my experience. My bf and I use Netflix to watch together while I am away at school, in my downtime. We also watch some when we are together physically. We enjoy all the documentaries, a few dramas, and some action-packed stuff. Even in the years before we dated, when we were friends, we used to watch obscure movies together. Fun times. It's a great way to bond and find out more about each other.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Seeker.

 

Fudgie, I don't know Netflix but assume it's movies on the net.

 

David and I both do very physical jobs. Often we are tired and aching. He's had the odd occasion when he has been kicked and bitten by distressed horses.

 

When we are like this, we like to curl up in front of the telly together. He's so comfortable to curl up into - he's a very tall and large-framed man (4XL) and I'm small. When I stroke his neck (which I've never done to anyone else), he goes into a sort of trance almost, says it's the best therapy he has ever had. He told me that I am the only woman who has ever given him physical affection although the others were always wanting it from him. Of course, I can't know if that is true, but certainly seems to be how he perceives it.

 

Another thing about him is that I know I have never felt the same physical thing towards another person, and I'm not just talking sex - something much more which is hard to explain. In the last couple of years in my relationship with my exex, when we would walk down the street, he would walk ahead of me a lot, he didn't hold my hand a lot. Then with my most recent ex, it was as though he would block doorways as I was trying to walk through them and be impatient for me to move out of his way. He had this awkward way of stepping in front of me when we would be walking down the street. Quite icky when I think about it. I didn't find either of those men handsome in the way I find the current man. Both of the other men I think were very egotistical as far as women went. This man though seems genuinely oblivious to his handsomeness although he does know that I think he is very handsome. He says he hopes I see more in him than that. He says he thinks I look great and describes me as "tidy - everything is in the right place", but he says that isn't why he is with me.

[mhowe]

Mhowe, I think you should marry those men if the opportunity arises.

 

That would be the plan.......

[lalalollipops]

Yeah but actions take effort.

 

That removes a big chunk of the lame losers who are emotionally immature and 'fake' in their feelings.

 

Actions like helping you out when you're in a tough predicament.

Listening to you and being there for you all the time.

Being dependable and consistent.

 

I learnt big lessons in the past couple of years. So guys only get 3 chances these days. Three strikes and you're out!! Lol. Won't ever let anyone take total advantage of me ever again. *pumps fist*

[Silverbirch]

Mhowe, I think you should marry those men if the opportunity arises.

 

That would be the plan.......

 

I'm pleased to hear that.

[mhowe]

I'm pleased to hear that.

 

Although I think I am possibly ambivalent about the idea of marriage (esp. at my age)---- I could be engaged forever! We each have our own homes and really enjoy our independence. I am not sure at this point in my life if I want to "play house"....there doesn't seem a need when we only live a mile apart and can see each other whenever we want. As we each have our own businesses, we can call our time...for travel, etc.

 

What are your thoughts on marrying again?

[Silverbirch]

I'm not a hundred per cent certain what my thoughts are on marriage Mhowe. Well, as you might remember, VERY early in the relationship, he did ask me if I would marry him. Then he did an about turn telling me how he has told EVERYONE for 20 years he would never marry again and what a flop he was at marriage the first time around. I actually think the same myself about my first marriage although in fairness, my husband turned out to be gay - we were so young when we married and he was my first boyfriend - we're on good terms. Anyway, when David did an about turn on marriage, I realised that it doesn't seem so important to me - it's what you have in the relationship that matters.

 

Well, it's weird you should ask me that today because we went out last night - had a lovely time - and after he went home, I got this strong feeling that I'm going to marry him. I don't know if it is my mind playing tricks on me or what.

 

Tonight I realised that it is 14 months since the breakup and I honestly can't remember if the ex and I used to say good-night every night on the phone the way David and I do. He used to get annoyed with me because for a long time, I would keep my cell phone switched off unless I wanted to make a call, and he felt he couldn't contact me if he wanted.

 

I remembered also that when I was in that relationship, when I knew David as an acquaintance and then friend for a while, that there were a few things about him and I had fleeting thoughts that he would likely be a better match for me than the ex. The ex used to get very peeved off if I wasn't home at 6pm when I wasn't working, especially if it was because I was with my horses. David on the other hand, goes out to his horses to check on them at 9.30pm every night to check they are okay. That doesn't bother me one bit. If I'm at his place, I will often go with him. Now that I haven't lived with the ex for over 2 years, I have my horses home with me and when I let them in the backyard, they sleep under my window. It's wonderful. There's lots I could say about those types of things.

 

Another little funny thing I realised. David has this photo of himself at 18 years old. If we had known each other then, we might realise we had matching hair - long, medium brown, very thick and wavy. We both have hazel eyes which change color and a slightly olive complexion which can tan deeply. His family think he gets that from his Polynesian grandmother. Never thought we look alike, but I suppose we share some physical characteristics. LOL, we both have a lot less hair these days, and I'm blonde now and his hair has lightened through maturity.

 

I'm scorpion and he's cancerian - my perfect match.

[mhowe]

We have talked about spending the rest of our lives together and at one point however he phrased something, I looked at him and said "are you talking about getting married?" and his response was -- "we'll yeah - someday".

 

He was married before -- it only lasted 3 yrs, and it was amicable and no kids. But he "dated" her for 6 yrs....

 

I think if he does ask one day, I will say "yes", and then never get around to planning it! I kinda like our set up!!!!

[Silverbirch]

LOL Yeah well sounds like it could work either way for you both.

[90_hour_sleep]

hi silver,

 

did you ever read ''the prophet''? there's a passage on love that comes to mind (it always comes to mind). i'm sure there are those who find it flowery and intolerable. i'm not one of those people. to me...it's beautiful. and it's a reminder to me of what love means to me.

 

''when love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. and when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. and when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

 

for even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. he threshes you to make you naked. he sifts you to free you from your husks. he grinds you to whiteness. he kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for god's sacred feast.

 

all these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of life's heart.

 

but if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

 

love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.

 

when you love you should not say, ''god is in my heart,'' but rather, ''i am in the heart of god.'' and think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

 

love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. but if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. to know the pain of too much tenderness. to be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. to wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

[Silverbirch]

Hi 90,

I SO appreciate your post. I am familiar with some parts of the The Prophet, but not that one. I plan to read and re-read it. Today hasn't been an easy day for me. I am aware of that cycling I have been going through for months when I experience intense closeness and I would love say love, which so far, is soon followed by extreme fear - of losing what is so precious to me - that in my fear, I just want to run and hide so that I can't feel hurt again. I suppose that is "covering my nakedness and passing out of love's threshing floor." I just haven't quite conquered myself in these matters yet. It's a battle I am having with myself.

THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN.

 

ps I LOVE YOUR SIGNATURES.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Lalalollipops,

Sorry I forgot to reply to your posts. I hope an abundance of both receiving and giving love comes into your life.

[Silverbirch]

I stayed at his place the other night. When I was driving off the next morning, he was standing there wearing the woolen cap I bought him, waving and even blowing me a kiss. There was something about the way he looked at me, and I really knew he does love me.