In a Rush For a Ring After Only a Year?

[Lolligirl]

Hi all! My boyfriend and I are both 28, have been together for a year, and started living together within the first six months of our relationship. He changed his entire life for me, and we spend almost all of our free time together. All in all, things are very good. He has never given me any reason to doubt his commitment.

 

Recently, the topic of marriage came up, and he expressed that he was very much against it--which came as quite a surprise, since he had dropped sweet little hints about "wanting to marry me," etc., before in the relationship, and always tells me he "wants to be with me forever." As you can likely understand, this change in attitude came as a bit of a shock. I told him that if our viewpoints differed on such an important issue, we were better off splitting up and finding more like-minded partners. He freaked, and told me he'd do it in order to keep me, then later softened his position to "it's just too early in the relationship. It's important to wait at least 2-3 years so people can truly get to know each other."

 

Sensible? Yes. Romantic? No. I know a lot of people who get engaged within months--MONTHS!--and it seems like something you either know, almost right away, or not (at least by a year, right?) Then, there are those other headstrong couples who dive headfirst into marriage right away, only to wind up divorced not long after.

 

Another matter complicating the issue is that I am a recent divorcee. He says he's afraid of getting married to me, only to have me leave him. Also, I can't shake the feeling that I'm hearing his parents' viewpoints spewing from his mouth. Surprisingly enough, his parents are a successful, longtime married couple with whom I get along very well with (as far as I know!) yet I've heard his mother espouse the same views my bf has expressed.

 

The kicker to this whole thing is that we've been trying for a baby for months, which is something he very much wants. How can he want to procreate with me, but not make me his wife? How the HELL does that work?

 

If anyone could provide me with some insight to this situation, I would be immensely appreciative. I'm 28, not getting any younger, and want to make a decision whether to continue putting my time into relationship. Am I being a needy turd, LOL? Is a year truly too soon to get engaged? I know everyone is different, but I can't help but wonder whether it's me he's unsure about, or whether his unreadiness for marriage comes from him.

 

Most importantly, why would he want to have a baby, but claim to be against marriage?

 

Any thoughts?

[OptomisticGirl]

I got engaged at 4 months and was married at a year and a half (long distance relationship at that as well) but my advice on the length of time together, unless there is solid communication or someone back tracks on what they have said, everyojne is different. Some won't do marriage before 4 years, others know within a year.

 

As for why he wants to have a child with you but not marriage... well, your living with him (which I suggust before marriage whenever you can) but in this day and age, kids and marriage aren't always a packaged deal with some people. I would seriously questoin what he wants in life and if he goes with what you want.

[BrianH46]

I used to want to get married but after hearing divorce stories after divorce stories you kinda get jaded to the idea.

[chitown9]

My thought is that this young man is being influenced by his parents. I would not like the fact that he seems so easily persuaded by his parents. One year is plenty of time to know each other and make a decision to marry. I would tell him you want marriage before a baby. We all heard the rhyme as children, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Lollie with the baby carriage." I would tell him you won't be put off about marriage and if that is what he wants to do....adios. I hope he likes spending his evenings with his parents..

[abitbroken]

Whoa. Hold on. You have moved in with him early in the relationship and are already trying for a baby? I think that you need to put the breaks on this. He is right about waiting to get married until you get to know each other better. BTW, you mention you are "recently" divorced. How recent is recent? I would stop trying for a baby pronto. I think these are much larger issues than "does he think what his parents think". It is a valid concern if you have RECENTLY been divorced that the parents are just worried you both are moving way too fast and will crash and burn. Did you take any time to heal after your divorce?

 

Also, as far as engagements, you can't go by what other people do and think. Yes, there are people out there who are engaged after a couple months but they are few and far between. And some of those engagements break off.

[abitbroken]

By the way, you say you are 28 and not "getting any younger" - you have your entire 30s to have a baby. SOme women even have them at 40/41. If you were to break up, spend some time getting to know yourself and met someone in 2 years, you could end up having multiple kids. Or if you stayed with him but moved out to get to know eachother or took it slow. But at 28 if a guy says "i don't want to get married" - he is not 17 years old. He is serious. And he basically tried to soften it because he thought you'd leave. I really would heed his words and not pressure him for a ring at this time. If you are serious about not being on the same page - move out and stand firm. If you really love this man and feel that it wouldn't matter if you had kids or turned out not able to, then stay.

[Godless_Heathen]

I think you're being completely reasonable. While it's true than many people are hesitant and take years to decide, in truth if you're spending time with someone regularly for a year, you know them well enough. The main problem with getting married after a few months is not so much that you don't know each other all that well, but that you're still in the infatuation phase, and possibly still altering your behavior to seem more attractive. After a year, you're almost certainly relaxed enough around each other that you're not holding anything back anymore.

 

I'm kind of surprised that you were willing to try for a child without being married. Not because it's what you "should" do, but because a relationship that is stable enough for marriage is generally a prerequisite for the much larger commitment of having a child.

[In the Dark]

I think this kind of situation varies a lot from person to person.

 

IF I was wanting to have a child with someone I would most certainly have thought of marriage as priority.

But at the same time, I do not hold marriage in high regard due to the same reason as BrianH46.

 

Also I am very easy going on having a child.

I would never intend to have a child whether I am married or not.

 

But if it happens it happens and it's meant to be.

 

So from my perspective, in his case, wanting a child before marriage is rather strange IMO.

 

Not saying this is what he is thinking

Where I live, I do know of a couple where the Father purposefully broke the condom in hopes that he would get the gf pregnant so that he has a permanent tie to the partner so she will be reluctant to leave him as he and her had cheated on their partners in the same flat.

 

So his fear of her cheating on him was high.

So in an attempt to tie her down, he attempted to make her pregnant which he indeed did in a very short period after they both cheated.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with abitbroken. I think if you live together and have a kid together, he really has not reason to marry you. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

[murdock604]

My thought is that this young man is being influenced by his parents. I would not like the fact that he seems so easily persuaded by his parents. One year is plenty of time to know each other and make a decision to marry. I would tell him you want marriage before a baby. We all heard the rhyme as children, "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Lollie with the baby carriage." I would tell him you won't be put off about marriage and if that is what he wants to do....adios. I hope he likes spending his evenings with his parents..

Is this a serious post? The rush to marriage is what contributes to the high divorce rate; people jump into it without properly screening their potential life partners. A year is a very SHORT amount of time and often you're still learning about the person. If a girl demanded we marry within a year; I'd RUN - as would most men.

I agree with abitbroken. I think if you live together and have a kid together, he really has not reason to marry you. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

This.

[OptomisticGirl]

Is this a serious post? The rush to marriage is what contributes to the high divorce rate; people jump into it without properly screening their potential life partners. A year is a very SHORT amount of time and often you're still learning about the person. If a girl demanded we marry within a year; I'd RUN - as would most men.

 

This.

 

High divorce rate comes from people not communicationg at all or stopping communicating.

[oceandream]

I agree with abitbroken and godless. He wants to get to know you for 2-3 years before marriage, but wants to have a baby right now? I don't know if he wants a baby for the wrong reasons. Fair enough you can have a committed relationship and children without marriage, but he said he wanted to get to know you more before marriage. Wouldn't you want to get to "get to know someone" before you have a baby with them.

[Rose30]

I dont know if there is anything you can find out about the person in year two or 3 that you didnt know in year 1. I think after a year its time to decide which way the relationship will go, I don't mean getting married right away but perhaps an engagement or a tentative time for an engagement, but that's just me. I think if you dont know after one year then that's not the right person you are with.

 

If I was in your shoes I would definatly stop trying to have a baby before you clear out all the other issues.

[abitbroken]

I dont know if there is anything you can find out about the person in year two or 3 that you didnt know in year 1. I think after a year its time to decide which way the relationship will go, I don't mean getting married right away but perhaps an engagement or a tentative time for an engagement, but that's just me. I think if you don't know after one year then that's not the right person you are with.

 

If I was in your shoes I would definatly stop trying to have a baby before you clear out all the other issues.

 

Oh gosh yes - you DO find a lot more about them in year #2. When you get through a whole cycle of Christmas, holidays, birthdays - you see how they really react with and treat their family. It is more likely a death or a job loss or an illness - even a week of the flu will come up and you will learn how you operate together through that. My bf and are finding out more and more about eachother as time goes by and we are glad we didn't rush into marriage. We want to get married - but I have also gotten to know his family, etc, well and he mine.

[25thfloor]

After being divorced 2ce, the longer you wait, the better you'll know. As long as you're spending time together, what's the difference. But I hope to God you don't bring a baby into this world and then separate in a years and have that child living in 2 houses. it's really not fair.