Will you get back together with your ex? No, you won't!

[Brownstone322]

Eocsor 1st sentence in that 1st post which has supposedly morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority" in a matter of pages.

 

"Will you get back together with your ex? Odds are no, not a chance in hell. We all want it for whatever twisted reason but it just isn’t likely to happen. "

 

 

I guess you see what you want to see or hear. Are you a lawyer per chance Brownstone?

I dont even get what that means.

[roadrunner12]

I dont even get what that means.

 

Originally Posted by Brownstone322

I've never seen any evidence that the majority wants to reconcile. And in a matter of pages your argument has morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority." That's not a compelling line of argumentation no matter what one does or doesn't want to hear.

Now you're arguing semantics.

 

You also fail to to see Eocsurs point that you are indeed arguing sementics.

 

 

We might as well use your logic and say that since Eocsur (alone and not anybody else) introduced "not a chance in hell" to even shorten that to "hell" and say that Eocsur is the devil and should be exercised.

 

Or perhaps we should read and understand the message that Eocsur has stated in its entirety.

[DN]

The point that I have been trying to make is that talking in absolutes in such matters is rarely useful to people even with minor caveats. People will spot them for the inaccuracy and any useful advice is lost. You have to have good evidence if you say such things and so far I haven't seen any.

[scotsguy]

I agree that of those who break up, more will remain broken up than will reconcile. But to say "No, you won't!" is a bold statement. I think people are intelligent enough to understand that the statistics don't mean there's a 10% chance their ex will come back. The statistic merely illustrates that there is a small but measurable number of reconciliations. Bearing that in mind, when they read "no, you won't!", the first instinct is to disagree and that makes them less likely to pay heed to what you have to say in your actual post.

 

Even ignoring stats, almost all of us know someone who has successfully reconciled with an ex. That personal experience already predisposes us to believe it is possible (at odds with the title of your thread).

[Mellie]

Originally Posted by Brownstone322

I've never seen any evidence that the majority wants to reconcile. And in a matter of pages your argument has morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority." That's not a compelling line of argumentation no matter what one does or doesn't want to hear.

Now you're arguing semantics.

 

You also fail to to see Eocsurs point that you are indeed arguing sementics.

 

 

We might as well use your logic and say that since Eocsur (alone and not anybody else) introduced "not a chance in hell" to even shorten that to "hell" and say that Eocsur is the devil and should be exercised.

 

Or perhaps we should read and understand the message that Eocsur has stated in its entirety.

 

If you've been around a little while, you'll have picked up that Brownstone isn't religious.

 

The thread title is pretty unambiguous. As DN says though, life unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you come to see it) is full of ambiguities, exceptions and outcomes yet to be determined. Isn't that what life's all about?

 

Yeah, everyone who comes here wants to be told, for sure, that their ex is coming back tomorrow. We fear change. But once you start to go with it, it can be pretty exciting stuff. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 

Personally, I've started to realise I don't fear the unknown anymore. I like it. It's a pretty cool feeling. Do you read the last page of a book before you read it? How boring would it be if we all knew how it ended?

 

I've shut the door, but at the end of the day, it's just a door. It'd take something pretty dramatic for me to brick it up and turn it into a wall. And even then, whose to say they won't find a way out and you'll bump into them around the next corner, or one thirty years from now? They're sneaky like that.

 

Two absolutes in life: death and taxes. That's it.

[Brownstone322]

Or perhaps we should read and understand the message that Eocsur has stated in its entirety.

I don't know what you're reading, but he originally asserted that "Odds are no, [you have] not a chance in hell" of reconciliation. That is a fact. Then, not long later, he told us that "the majority of people will not reconcile with their ex." That's also fact. The second statement, though, is far removed from the first. One is an idiom for "extremely long odds" and the other means "as high as 50/50." More facts.

 

Why the change? Because his original statement was hyperbolic, which screamed for supporting evidence, which he has failed to present. It also flew in the face of anecdotal evidence -- too many of us have reconciled or know people who have, while, at the same time, not many of us have won the million-dollar lotto. People know astronomical odds when they see them, and this ain't it.

 

What's more, I suspect he started this thread with over-the-top verbiage specifically to provoke responses. It was no accident. In that regard, we're all suckers. But his basic thesis will not stand. In other words, if you make dubious claims in public, don't whine when some well-reasoned people call you to the mat.

[CMS]

hahaha, you are an attorney right?

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree that of those who break up, more will remain broken up than will reconcile. But to say "No, you won't!" is a bold statement. I think people are intelligent enough to understand that the statistics don't mean there's a 10% chance their ex will come back. The statistic merely illustrates that there is a small but measurable number of reconciliations. Bearing that in mind, when they read "no, you won't!", the first instinct is to disagree and that makes them less likely to pay heed to what you have to say in your actual post.

 

Even ignoring stats, almost all of us know someone who has successfully reconciled with an ex. That personal experience already predisposes us to believe it is possible (at odds with the title of your thread).[

 

I agree with this-- I've seen it, and not just reconciliations, but successful ones ("successful" by my definition means that the people reconciled and got married and are still married or have been reconciled for quite some time and are still going strong.) I have also seen LOTS of break-ups in which the two people did NOT reconcile -- a lot more of those -- or where they reconciled and it did not last (my ex and his previous ex are an example of this -- three tries, now split up again.) So...the absolute statement that "you WON'T get back with your ex" is really a statement that no one can make, just as no one can say for sure that he or she WILL come back.

 

I do think that, despite the absolute-ness of Eocsor's thread title and of his assertions, his underlying point is one that is very valid: That none of us should wait around, holding out hope that they will come back -- that we have to go on with our lives as if they're not coming back. Hope is a wonderful thing, but it's important, particularly in the case of something like a break-up, not to let hope hold us back from going forward with our lives in the best way(s) we can. I came to this forum several years ago by Googling "Getting over a break-up," and that has always been my aim. While I did want my ex to change his mind and want to be with me -- and I still feel a pang of that from time to time -- my goal always has been to keep going forward, regardless of what happens with him. I think Eocsor's post was at least partly about that; it may have been stated in very absolute terms, but there is some valuable stuff in there.

[Eocsor]

Hmmm. I don't recall me whining anywhere in this debate. Perhaps you'd like to point that out. And your assertion that some well reasoned people have called me on the carpet is a bit of a stretch. I'll debate you as much as you'd like, but lets try and keep this civil and classy.

[Hollyj]

Great response! The only difference, is that I would NEVER take him back! Life is good!

[O-shen]

Lets lighten this up a bit.

 

Its like trying to argue wether your going to die in a car crash. Say odds are..100 to 1. You have 100 people in a room.You could have 15 of those 100 people die by car crash, or you could have none at all. You really just cant predict the future.

 

What i will say prehaps, would be that your driving techniques ( how you acted in the relationship) would have a mild to strong bearing on the outcome. For instance, in this room of a hundred people, old "one eyed" joe, who's partially blind and has a tendency to blackout, is probably at higher odds to be fender kissing a wall. The same with drunken johnny, who's already had 5 DUI tickets, yet continues to drive drunk. I'd say his chances are bad too. Then theres "office worker" peter, never had a ticket in his life, is healthy, aware and co-ordinated, and the closest he has come to an accident is accidently bottoming out on a steep driveway. I would assume his chances of not being in a crash are good. But the kicker is, good old peter could pull out tomorrow, and drunken johnny in a stolen bus cleans him up. It's all kinda chance.

 

What i am saying is that if you treated your ex well, with respect, you both loved each other and what not, although it isnt common (apparently 1 in 10 i would expect you to have better odds at some sort of reconnection in the future than the guy who cheated on his ex, lied to her and burned all her clothes on the front lawn while waiving to the neighbours.

 

Basically whats in the past is in the past. How you acted in a relationship in the past can not be changed. Its kinda why i think it IS actually beneficial to do your best, for both parties. Sure, theres too many outside factors that affect outcomes such as moving away, Changing as people, Wanting different things in life as you grow older and of course meeting someone else that simply suits you better. With all these factors, trying to make any sort of solid odds are immpossible i think. Best just to say that sometimes they do, and sometimes they dont, for a number of reasons.

 

But i agree with the general statement that its best to expect them not to come back. Move on, grow, get healthy, live life. If they do come back...its a bonus.

 

Just a thought...if reconcilliation ( or your ex coming back )is fairly rare, i wonder out of 100 of these rare events, how many are actually sucsessful?

[roadrunner12]

Lets put this in perspective:

 

Very 1st paragraph

 

"Will you get back together with your ex? Odds are no, not a chance in hell. We all want it for whatever twisted reason but it just isn’t likely to happen."

 

To which Brownstone is horribly offended by and replies:

 

 

 

I also agree that it is unlikely that many of us on this board will reconcile. And of course everyone knows that reconcilations do happen. There is some disagreement on what % of breakups do successfully reconcile. You like to attack others for their opinon on this issue. Perhaps you can enlighten us to your thoughts of odds on reconciliation.

 

The basic thesis of the post stands with me:

 

That I will be the rule and not the exception. It is highly unlikely that I will reconcile and I will heal. Should the stars align and we reconcile, great however the Odds are not favorable. Brownstone chooses to downplay the low chance of reconciling by comparing it to a winning a lottery. (OMG we have a better chance of reconciling than winning the lottery, we should not move on with our lives and keep the torch lit)

 

You also suspect that he started this thread with over the top verbiage in order to provoke responses. I myself and myself alone Brownstone suspect that all the posts have some over the top verbiage in order to provoke responses(perhaps that is a dubious claim that I am making in public and some well-reasoned people should call me to the mat)

 

Dont you think your really reaching in order to justify your thought process?

 

Anyway this is my last reply to this post, you can go ahead and use your lawyer legalese linguistic lingo and reach and stretch further.

[Mellie]

Nicely put O-shen. I think that's about the size of it.

[Destiny2112]

I like Eocsors post!

 

But I also think that each and every situation is different and some ex's do come back and some don't. Everybody has their own truth and their own experiences. I for one haven't seen many reconciliations among my friends, family and acquaintances at all, and the very few that I saw, weren't successful and the couples broke up after a short while again and stayed apart.

 

But I don't think reconciliations and especially sucessful ones, that end up in marriages or LTR are impossible. I believe they do occur. But I agree with Eocsor and think, they are the exception and not the rule. But again, this is based on my experience and is just my humble opinion.

 

I think Eocsor's general message is that we shouldn't sit and wait for our ex's to return as we might wait forever and this prevents us or at least slows down our healing process. I guess (no matter how hard it is) the best way to go is to assume, the relationship is over for good and we will never get back together with our ex's and try our best to move on with our lives... and IF they come back and it works, well, that is an extra bonus and we can come back to this forum and share our sucess story and can prove that we are an exception of the rule!

 

And even if reconciliations indeed do occur more often than imany people think, that still doesn't mean your ex in your specific case is going to come back to you. Sometimes the timing was just wrong, sometimes the circumstances, sometimes they may have met someone who truly matches better... there are so many unpredictable outcomes in each individual case, that we just can't tell what is going to happen in our specific case. But then again, life is very weird sometimes and things might happen that you never ever expected....

 

I agree with a great post I have read above, that no one can predict the future. No one can read our ex's minds... so we need to stop trying to figure out what may or may not happen in our future, since we don't have any idea at all.

 

I do believe reconciliations happen, but if it's going to happen in your case or my case??! NO IDEA!!!

 

I know, many people think the saying "what is meant to be, is going to be" is BS, but I believe in it and I also believe that everything (or most things at least) in our lives happen for a specific reason. We may not see now, what could possibly be good about our current situations, but I believe, one day in the future, we can look back and understand why we had to go through all this....

 

I hope my post makes any sense... ;-)

[poweroflove]

Beautiful every thing you just posted was not only beautiful but has a soothing and relaxing vibe. I even saved it to read it when I think I got my future "planned out" which is a trap I often fall into when I start getting worried.

 

Somehow it also reminded me of the wonderful Chinese proverb "When men speak of the future, the Gods laugh".

[bungalo]

Many of us on here have been in rel/ships that were on and off again. I suppose you could say if you're are in an off cycle with your SO..that it ultimately failed? But really was it a failure? I reconciled with my ex and stayed together for another 3 years after one of these breakups...it was very painful to get my heart broken again, but I wouldn't have traded those three years for anything in the world.

[browneyedgirl36]

Many of us on here have been in rel/ships that were on and off again. I suppose you could say if you're are in an off cycle with your SO..that it ultimately failed? But really was it a failure? I reconciled with my ex and stayed together for another 3 years after one of these breakups...it was very painful to get my heart broken again, but I wouldn't have traded those three years for anything in the world.

 

bungalo, I think it depends on people's definitions of "successful" reconciliation -- it seems it's quite subjective. For example -- and please don't be offended by this -- I personally don't consider the "on" parts of "on-off" relationships to be "successful" at all. In fact, for me, on-off relationships are a lot more troubling than ones that just end once -- but...if those three years that you were back with your ex were happy years for you and you consider that a successful reconciliation, then certainly it was, for you.

 

The bottom line is that no one can say with certainty that "you won't get your ex back." Some people do, and it lasts. Some people do, and it doesn't last. Some people do several times, and it doesn't last any of those times. Many people simply don't at all, either because the ex doesn't want them back, they don't want the ex back, or neither party wants the other back and they move on. When discussing the "odds" of these things, pretty much all we have to go off of is our personal experience, plus the personal experiences of people we know and people's stories we've read on these boards. If, for example, I went off of my personal experiences and what I've read on these boards, I would say that the chances of successful reconciliations(by my definition) are rare. In fact, I've never had one myself (only attempted it once), and I only know of one couple -- my sister and her now-husband -- who broke up (only once) and got back together and have been together ever since (close to 20 years). However...as the car commercials say, "your mileage may vary." Other people move in circles where people break-up and get back together all the time.

 

So, in the end, for me, it's all about definitions and about people's frames of reference. For me a "successful reconcilation" is one in which the two people get back together (usually after only one break-up), and remain together (reasonably happy, NOT fighting all the time and having all sorts of major issues) for a period of years and/or get married or make a long-term commitment. I don't see a lot of that -- on this forum OR in my life/the lives of others around me. That doesn't mean, however, that it doesn't happen for others.

[endy]

I think if you learn something very significant in that time... which you should from any relationship of that length that no it's not a failure. Also I agree 100 percent with Destiny's post. People generally get stuck on people and relationships. They are in a fairy tale world with a fairy tale love. Most relationships you are in, you are meant to learn something from. That doesn't mean you didn't love them. That doesn't mean that they weren't the right person for you necessarily. What it means is it just wasn't the time for it to work out. You weren't on the same page and that experience was there to better yourself.

 

Sometimes it works out where two of you can come back together, but most of the time it doesn't. What I want is someone I'm going to constantly grow with, and so will she. Someone where I can improve myself in the relationship as well as themselves. IF you can't do that. If your growth is ever stunted by someone else. You don't belong in the relationship anymore IMO.

[Sookie]

I think what makes (successful) reconciliations rather difficult is that there must be several factors fulfilled at the right time:

 

-enough -but probably not too much- time needs to have passed

- both, the dumper and the dumpee must truly be willing to give the relationship another try

- it has to be the right timing

- the right cirumstances

- both have to be single at the time

- the reconciliation must happen for the right reasons (not out of loneliness, because the dumpers themselves just got dumped, etc)

- the reasons for the break up must have changed

- both must have done their growing and maturing

- and both must be willing to forgive, first of all themselves for the mistakes they made in the past and also the mistakes their ex's had made...

- both must still be able to trust each other (which is probably difficult when the dumper left for someone else)

-the dumper realized they made a mistake - maybe the grass was indeed greener on the other side and breaking up was the best choice they ever made?! Who knows...

 

Did I forget anything? ;-)

 

I don't think, reconciliations are impossible, though... I just suppose most people choose the easier way, which is simply moving on with their lives and leave the past in the past...

[tacs1895]

This is about right, I reckon. I believe that in many cases a reconciliation can be possible, but perhaps also unlikely, simply because a lot of those factors are just down to luck and timing, and there's nothing anyone can do to control them. The only factor I'd query is the last one - about the dumper realizing they made a 'mistake'. I think it's possible that the dumper can make the decision to break up and for that to be the 'right' decision, for them at least, and at that time. And I'm saying this from the perspective of the dumpee. Even though I desperately didn't want to break up and wish she hadn't left, I can see why she did, and that she was making the best decision for herself that she could. But that doesn't necessarily rule out the possibility of a reconciliation somewhere in the future. If a reconciliation does arise in the future, that won't necessarily mean she made a mistake in breaking up the first time.

[dabbledave]

I do believe that this "Getting Back Together" section is probably being used by many who should actually be posting in the "Healing After ..." section. If that's Eacsor's underlying point, then I am in agreement.

 

For unless there is a stated intention to get back together by both the dumper and dumpee, then there is no getting back together as such -- thus we must prepare for a life without the ex i.e. we must heal.

 

I emphasise "prepare for" because I do believe there is value in hope for future reconciliation -- so long as that hope is fuel for accepting the situation as it is now; learning from past mistakes that both parties may have made in the relationship; inspiring forgiveness in oneself and the other person (critical to any reconciliation); and encouraging personal growth, self improvement, and the resolution of any other issues may have contributed to the downfall of a pairing.

 

As one genuinely moves along in the healing process one comes to realise that the broken relationship, while wonderful when it was good, is NOT AT ALL critical to a happy and fulfilling life.

 

I do wonder whether this "Getting Back Together" section is useful to someone whose ex is keen to try again. I'm sure there are common pitfalls and traps that reconciling couples fall into. I wonder how many threads in this section actually deal with that.

 

DD

[endy]

Not many, but once in awhile you get a few like mhowe's etc. Where she was actually asking for advice on how to work through things involving her reconciliation when she was going through it. That's the real intention of this portion of the forum.

 

People assume because it says GETTING BACK, it's about getting your ex back or how to. Guess what, if there was a sure fire way there would be one post on this forum on how to get your ex back. It would work for everyone then we would never go through the painful experiences we sometimes go through to grow. The experiences that are necessary for your spiritual growth and lessons in life. Which should be seen IMO as positive in the end.

[EgoJoe]

Amen Endy. Also I loled at the "one post"

 

I think maybe two, one for women and one for men...unless it was really comprehensive, haha!

 

Perhaps all the guys should get together and start to share healing, improvement and attraction notes in a thread.

[mhowe]

And, I have to say --- that the information I received, as well as having a place to come and question the process --- has been invaluable. I've never been in this position before...and never believed, with all of my heart, that the effort would not be worth the outcome. Looking thru this thread, and reading the innumberable posts on couples breaking up --- yes, there are circumstances that make the possibility of reconciliation stronger.

 

But, regardless, it takes two people who are committed to working thru the process ---- anything less will not succeed.

[endy]

Amen Endy. Also I loled at the "one post"

 

I think maybe two, one for women and one for men...unless it was really comprehensive, haha!

 

Perhaps all the guys should get together and start to share healing, improvement and attraction notes in a thread.

 

I find that a lot of people post all over the place on this forum. I usually only deal with the breaking up section unless someone pm's me. I think there is a place already for attraction. Wouldn't hurt to start one somewhere though.