Will you get back together with your ex? No, you won't!

[lanaa]

I think in short the message of his OP is to move on and live your life for you, not another person. I've said this a few times in my last few posts. Living in the past is a symptom of mind being unhealthy. Living in the moment is the symptom of a healthy mind. Tearing up the past, having constant thoughts of someone else does nothing beneficial for you. Let the past go, live in the moment, live life for YOU, and not someone else. Don't ever base your happiness on someone else.

 

I dont think there is a person here who is in pain because he or she wants

 

So thats easier said than done

[MakeItCount]

I was once there at one year post BU, searching for whatever to get her back still, so I look back now and I am like holy crap I was sick.

 

You live and you learn my friend. I think everyone needs to go through a bone shattering BU once in their life. Holy crap did I learn haha.

 

Lanaa: too little too late? It happens. As far as guys coming back more often..I think it's the whole "girls think for months before breaking up" thing, so they've checked out and it's too late once it happens. That, to me, is poor communication. It kinda happened to me, but what are ya gonna do? I think if you look around the forums though, it's definitely 50/50 with girls and guys wanting to come back.

[NoDice]

I know also many cases where the guy is fighting to get her back,and just few moths ago she would do anything just to get a message from him! Usually those girls will not take the ex back

 

one thing i noticed is guys dumpers come back more often than girls dumpers....thats something to talk about,maybe i mwrong? but there has been discussion around that

 

Any girl I dumped, I think maybe one I took back, after she came running showing me how she changed(depression issues). It depends who you were in the relationship, and if you were taken for granted, I know when I am and have been, they usually poke their head in, only because they realized what they actually had. To clarify this is all with strict NC, by the time they come back around I am usually healed and make a solid judgement, this last one I was still scabby and she blew the second chance when she had "personal issues" with the relationship again and left. Unfortunately I was blinded the 2nd time and the first week was clawing around everywhere looking for 3rd chance posts, only to realize I wasn't the issue, and honestly the fraction of a chance of her coming back would have to be on bloodied stumps with a whole truck load of improvements. And even then, is she really worth it? she is close but I don't know if close enough.

[LDRohnos]

I think some people have forgotten how angry they were at times after a breakup.

[Eocsor]

I swear, if you want to start a firestorm on this forum, hit them in the face with reality. To all those who think I'm bitter, I'm sorry to dissappoint but I'm not. I'm about 20 months removed from the end of a 14 year relationship and as I've said before life is pretty good. But to get there I had to move on. Because, everyone repeat after me, I wasn't the exception, I was the rule.

 

It's OK to be in denial about the reality of your situation, we all are at first. But no matter how hard you fight it, in the vaste majority of cases you'll have to accept that cold hard reality at the end of the day. And only then will you really start to heal.

[veneratio]

I don't really see anything negative about the OP. I think it's the harsh truth. In many cases the ex doesn't come back, in a few maybe so. I think the overall message of the post is to focus on yourself and not to dwell on the what ifs or the possibility of the ex slinking back. I see it as more of a positive post if anything. I think it's a healthy, realistic approach to the hand you've been dealt.

[resilient7]

Good kick a** post Eoc.

[doiiiieeezie]

Thank goodness there are positive people outside of this post who have gotten back with their ex- and even after they were "over" them.

 

Alas, everyone has their way.

[EgoJoe]

I agree with the OP for the most part even though I've said to people that you have a shot. I always mean they have a shot to restore attraction and rekindle a connection. What happens after depends on too many factors to calculate from the abritrary forum guy perspective.

 

I've had my current Ex come back when we broke up when we were younger and she has contacted me since. Although I ignored last contact due to some circumstances I'm not going to deal with at this time because I'm very busy getting ME back. Reconciliations are common from what I have seen and yet we all preach about new relationship and the process to rebuilding something much better but we don't always follow through with that or truly take the lessons to heart.

 

I would say take the lessons to heart for whatever purpose and if something good happens, awesome!

 

I for one know for a fact that someday my Ex is going to be pursueing me a little more heavily but thats because of the circumstances regarding the situation. Do I know if that will be for reconciliation? No. Do I know if she wanted to if I'd be willing, no. If she were to say it right now I'd say thanks but no thanks because I don't have me back and I haven't completely moved on.

[endy]

Ok add to that each persons definition of love and mental health. Getting back together is fine in that situation, but from what I've seen and learned what love is... Most people don't have a damn clue what it is or have the wrong ideal of what it is.

 

Love is not enough to hold a relationship together IMO. To have a thriving relationship you need to understand attraction, at least as a man you do... and how that works. If not you can have a content relationship for the rest of your life which is what most relationships are. A blanket of security with another person.

 

Definitely not what I want.

[Fringe]

I say if there was a reason why you two broke up, chances are those reasons are still the same and it will just end up the same way.

[Eocsor]

I understand the OP's feelings, but it's a generalization. I have gotten back together with women I've "dumped," and been taken back by women who have "dumped" me. And some of the breakups were pretty bitter. Obviously, it does happen. There is more than a "chance in hell," especially if you go away with dignity and regain your self-respect.

 

It has been my experience, though, that it helps to assume the breakup is permanent, both for purposes of moving on and for maximizing your chance at reconciliation (if that's what you want).

 

Not saying my experience is universal, but neither is the OP's.

 

And you are still together with how many of these women?

[roadrunner12]

I have to agree for the most part with the post. For the majority of us, there will be no reconcillation. And for those few that do reconcile, remember this saying "Be careful what you wish for, you might actually get it." The relationship broke up for a reason.

 

However buy those self help books and become the best person you can be.

 

We would all love to be the exception to the rule however its not likely to happen. Accept the fact that its over and MOVE ON. This is the hardest part, actually accepting and believing that its over. Easier said than done.

 

My thoughts for what their worth anyway.

[aev]

To say "I know my ex will never, ever come back" is about as realistic as saying "I know my ex will come back." Let's be honest: unless you can read the future, you don't know anything.

 

There are very few "rules" in life. Rule one: the universe is entirely unpredictable. Rule two: everything living dies, unless Rule One applies and real life turns into a crazy scifi film. Rule three: physics and stuff. Again, Rule One may lead to some unforeseeable loophole in the laws that govern nature, but I tend to count laws of physics as pretty reliable. Your ex returning or not is not dictated by any rules of the universe.

 

With that said, we have absolutely no way of knowing what the future holds. I could be electrocuted by my laptop while typing this, only to meet Weird Al on my way to the emergency room. Who knows? It's highly unlikely, but you can't tell me with irrefutable evidence that it's not going to happen. Even statistical evidence is only a reflection of past events; it can be useful as a reference, but it certainly doesn't tell you definitively if you will be that 1 in 84 who dies in an automobile accident this year. If you had 84 people in a room, you still could have 20 would die in an automobile accident, or none at all. Likewise, you can have 1,000 people on a forum, and anywhere between 1,000 and none will reconcile. Who knows?

 

People on ENA tend to fall into to sects: denial masquerading as hope, or cynicism posing as realism. Both are dangerous. The best path, IMO, would be: Who the hell knows? And what's the point in thinking about it?

 

This is the present moment. Truly moving on is reaching a point where you are no longer agonizing over your history nor plotting your future. The past is done and the future is entirely variable. When you stop thinking you know what will happen, and you are content in your present moment, that is when I think you're in the best position for yourself. Your ex will make their choices in their time. You have the power to choose not to live anywhere but the moment you're in right now. When you let the past go and you're open to all the future can hold, that's truly moving on. Not accepting the irrefutable reality that they're gone, gone, gone or forgetting about them or dating someone new. You can move on and still love your ex, as long as you're open to all the future holds and you accept the true truth: I don't know what's going to happen.

 

To quote two of my favorite spiritual leaders:

 

"Because you are alive, everything is possible." - Thich Nhat Hanh

 

"Stop trying to control everything and JUST LET GO!" - Tyler Durden

 

In short: The only thing we know is that we know nothing. Best to just accept that, live in the moment we can observe, and adapt to life as we live it.

[tacs1895]

Love this post, both in its content and its tone of voice. Best I've read in a while, because it brought a (whimsical) smile to my face.

[Mellie]

People do get back together. Every day. A recent poster here had his ex come back with the immortal "I want to get back together" line only the other day. Hopefully he'll come back and share his story.

 

But, the important thing is not to spend the time you've been broken up pining away for them. Or you could. Hey it worked for me, and that was six months apart.

 

Different people, different circumstances. But do I regret spending 6 months of my life miserable? Well, I guess not - I don't believe in regrets. My past experiences made me what I am today. Would I do it again? HELL NO!

[MarnDark]

I think the OP may have made this thread as a response to the "WHAT DO I DO TO GET THEM BACK?" or "ARE THEY COMING BACK?" threads commonly seen here.

 

I buy into so much of what people say about living in the moment and now. The wonderful thing about life and this site and people in general is that we all have our own individual stories. All of us have a path to lead and a life to fill with learning and growing. I absolutely love when people can tell me a significant story in their life, I love hearing couples tell me how they have gotten together. No two lives are the same and certainly no two break ups will be exactly the same.

 

Reconciliations do happen though. Many people that I know has told me a story where people get back together after a break up. One had even told me a story of a couple that had gotten back together after 40 YEARS. My parents got back together after 3 years.

 

Admittedly, I have not let go yet. I still hope, but the thing is I do not want to. I am still doing my best to move on.

[SudoMB]

Very well said.

 

We spend so much time and energy on making things certain (and this makes sense), but sometimes we need to balance out that energy spent and just see what happens. Be active, but don't keep your eyes and ears closed.

[Eocsor]

We all want to drink the Kool-aid at first. We all want to believe in the tooth fairy and Santa claus. But at some point you need to concede that your fairy tale isn't going to have a happy ending. Do people get back together, sure they do, but not that often. And most likely not you. We all hear the stories. My aunt's, nephew's, barber got back with his ex, so theres still hope for me, right? In reality though it's probably no, not you.

 

Hold out hope and make your life a living hell, it's your right to do so. Suffer as much as you are want. No one has the right to take that away from you. But at the end of the day you'll arrive at the same place no matter what path you take. You can call me any name in the book you want, but at the end of the day what I say is true. In all likelihood you aren't going to be the exception, you will be the rule.

[aev]

One question: Why your aunt, nephew, and barber, but not you?

 

I disagree that Santa or the Tooth Fairy are comparable to a relationship. A relationship is very real, with real factors effecting its demise and possible reconciliation. You have real baggage and tempers and mistakes and personalities. Santa is a myth constructed to mystify children, and I do believe there is a "Santa" phase post-breakup. After a breakup, your ex is a little like Santa: they're this secretive figure who is the source of all the good in the world. They're the ones who bring love and happiness and fulfillment into your life. If there's no Santa, what will you do? How will you ever be happy without them to bring you presents?

 

I'm with you on letting go of that falsehood. There is no Santa, and your ex wasn't some fat dude in a red suit shimmying down your chimney to bring you goodies. (If s/he was, you should probably notify the police.) They're not the source of love and goodness of the universe. They aren't the warm sun the world revolves around. They're just some man or woman. Some dude or dudette. Healing happens when you realize this fact, and take a look at the reality of the relationship: Was this dude/ette so special? You can only make realistic evaluations after you knock them off the pedestal and acknowledge that, whether or not they return, you're going to be okay. You're your own Santa. You bring your own joy, your own love, your own peace. Occasionally, you bring your own candy canes.

 

It's so self-defeating and pessimistic to say, "Well, it could happen to my aunt/nephew/barber, but it'll never happen to me Why not? The fact that it happens proves that it's not impossible. It's not like flying or living forever. What people on these boards miss is the fact that you have no idea what will happen to you. At all. The only thing you can do is let go of the suffering that comes from trying to control the outcome - whether that's saying "they'll be back!!!!" or "they're never coming back..." and accept simply what is.

 

I'm with the endless number of people on the boards who have the following advice to give: Shift your focus from "getting back your ex" to "getting back yourself." Learn to be happy in the present, without obsessing about your mistakes or where you'll end up. Learn to be happy on your own, so that your ex becomes a want and not a need. Hope does not equal hell; in fact, hope and peace are not mutually exclusive. You can live peacefully in the moment, not knowing the future, but hoping for a certain outcome (a reconciliation) as long as you know above all else that, no matter where you end up, it's where you are. Period. Accept where you are and look to the future with hope - not longing - and you're free.

 

And, to take a page out of the infamous Al Turtle's book, there is no truth. There's your truth and my truth, and that's it. Thank you for sharing yours with us. It's interesting to see where you're coming from.

[BONO]

I will come back and share - lol, just give me a bit more time to make sure this is the right thing to do !

[MarnDark]

Great post aev!!

[mhowe]

In the end it really doesn’t matter because no matter what you try, no matter what you say or do, you’ll end up in the same place. And that's the place where you have no choice but to accept that it’s over and begin to heal. And you will heal. Because you aren’t the exception to that either, you are the rule and we all heal eventually.

 

I am the exception, not the rule --- but Eco is right. It doesn't matter what you do, or what you say or don't say. Accept that the relationship you were in is over, and begin to heal. Because until you heal, you are not ready for another relationship -- whether it is with the ex, or someone new. The relationship ended for a reason --- whether you agree with the reason or not. And until you let go, and move on ---- you are dead in the water.

[Nick Lansing]

And you are still together with how many of these women?

 

Whoa -- got me there! I'm on this board, so obviously I am single.

 

I rejected two of the women who came back to me because I was in a new relationship (both odf which turned out to be long-term), and the third one I was with for a year and a half after we reconciled, and we eventually broke up because I didn't want to get married. In other words, before this most recent breakup, I've had the opportunity of reconciling with everyone who's ever broken up with me.

 

Your subject heading is "Will you get back together with your ex? No, you won't." You didn't say, "Probably not." Or, "It's fairly rare." or "Don't count on it." or even "Will I get back with my ex? No, I won't." All of those might be accurate statements.

 

What is your definition of "getting back together"? Getting married and staying married until one of you dies? I know several happily married couples who broke up with each other before getting married. Also married couples who separated and got back together successfully (including my parents).

 

But hey, whatever makes you feel better is OK by me.

[lanaa]

Eocsor,maybe we really live in different worlds,,in my world exes get back all the time.Not many end up forever together... but most people DO GET a second chance in some way