Will you get back together with your ex? No, you won't!

[vanillacupcake]

I do wonder whether this "Getting Back Together" section is useful to someone whose ex is keen to try again. I'm sure there are common pitfalls and traps that reconciling couples fall into. I wonder how many threads in this section actually deal with that.

 

DD

 

It really isn't that helpful. I am actually in the process of getting back together with my ex (technically I guess we are back together?), and it is hard to get good, sound advice about it.

[endy]

That's probably because most people that reconcile haven't changed, had enough time to heal and grow... or if they have aren't asking the right questions. A lot of people get back together after months. Most experienced or wiser members here won't really help you out with that, because they know you need to experience it for yourself and for your growth.

 

Not aware of your situation though or haven't read any of your posts. So I can't assume that's the case with you.

[Popoloids]

this one deserves another bump! great arguments on this thread!!!

[stagn]

I agree with the OP. Your situation is not different. There's no chance in hell of ever getting back together again. Personal experience here...I've never gotten back together with an ex. Do I want them to come back? Only two. Did they come back? Hell no. I was a great bf in both relationships. Just learn to love yourself and your life again. Once you accepted this, others will recognize it too. People are naturally attracted to happy people. Especially people who have a zest for life.

[Ryguy786]

Regrets come from both trying things and not trying things. Don't tell people to go 100% one way or the other all the time - you'll have just as much regret, and you'll question your in-actions just as much as your actions.

[Tom1990]

Given how much advice Eocsor gives to people who want to get back together, I don't blame him for the outburst.

 

Really, the topic of this forum is "Getting Back Together" which implies couples already getting back together. Instead we have endless posts of people within a day of their breakup begging for hints and tricks on how to win their ex back.

[ryukage99]

Given how much advice Eocsor gives to people who want to get back together, I don't blame him for the outburst.

 

Really, the topic of this forum is "Getting Back Together" which implies couples already getting back together. Instead we have endless posts of people within a day of their breakup begging for hints and tricks on how to win their ex back.

 

Remember there are dumpees that don't want the dumper back at all cost and will do every trick in book to keep out their lives whether if it's they realize they miss the dumpee down the road.There are some dumpee who are really dumper but either never had the heart to the dumping. I was one of those people years ago that I wanted dumped this guy but never had the heart to it.

[NANNYSTUDENT]

I just read through this entire post... and I enjoyed it

 

I am a hopeless romantic at heart.... and hope someday my ex will atleast "reconcile" in terms of apologizing. But I know that living my life is key... even if I am scared of change... I have to change or I will just wind up being stuck. So here's to hope, visiting Europe, moving to LA, and love in the future Cheers!

[blueplanet22]

If "believing" that you MIGHT one day in the distant future get back together with your ex motivates you to stay NC, gets you through some of the darker moments and helps you get to that point to where you really don't care about having them back - then is it wrong? should you HAVE to face the cold reality that you speak of?

 

Or is it a case of - whatever gets you through?

 

Btw - no I do not want my ex back. Am happy to move forward but thinking about those that struggle more so than I have this time around.

[Slimpee]

My only addition is that people accept the inevitable only when they're ready. That said, you have to do some work yourself to get to that point. No FB stalking. No asking around. Delete phone numbers, texts, put away pictures, etc. It is so much easier when that person is out of sight.

 

I was the dumper 1.5 years ago but regretted it and spent a long time in pain. My ex and I haven't gotten back together, and we have gone several periods of 2+ months w/ absolutely zero contact. We're not FB friends. We're not gchat friends...I don't have her number in my phone. Yet, the feelings are still there (as she and I discussed this weekend). We've both been hurt, we're both nervous and confused, and we probably won't ever get back together, but the point is that I couldn't have gotten to a place where i'm happy and attractive again if i hadn't taken steps to get over her.

 

Also, OP is correct whether you want to believe it or not...

[justinvernon]

Most won't get a second chance because the way they acted during and after the break up.

[drmcsugar]

This post is painfully true; the bottom line is you can't force someone to love you when their feelings aren't there anymore. You just have to accept the break up, move on, and leave it all behind.

[xcrunner]

You have to get over your ex and move on before anything is even remotely possible.

[potty46]

If "believing" that you MIGHT one day in the distant future get back together with your ex motivates you to stay NC, gets you through some of the darker moments and helps you get to that point to where you really don't care about having them back - then is it wrong? should you HAVE to face the cold reality that you speak of?

 

Or is it a case of - whatever gets you through?

 

Btw - no I do not want my ex back. Am happy to move forward but thinking about those that struggle more so than I have this time around.

 

Whatever gets you through. This I believe. I'm only 8 days into my NC and I hit a rough patch after the initial hate/resentment wore off... I started thinking, again, what if I did this, or that, try something different... The only thing that kept me from contacting him was hope. But also, the hope wore off as well after a few hours (up to a day at one stage). Learning to live without him, it's really hard after spending so much time being emotionally invested into someone, and we only dated for 7 months! I can't even imagine LTR or marriage break downs...

[Sanders24]

Well, if you take Eoc´s OP as an advice for a quicker getting off the ground after being devastated by a bad BU, then I can say without a doubt it is a hell of advice.

 

Eocsor (among others) was one of the first posters on ENA that slammed me with raw reality facts when I first joined forum after my BU. It wasnt something I wanted to read at the time b/c I wanted so badly to win my ex back but those hard words and advices really made me distance myself from the horror of the BU and take some time to cool down and put my situation into clearer perspective.

 

Yeah, off course people get back together but what good will you do to yourself sticking to the hope, expectations "one day maybe" and all that? It will only stretch your pain days so much more.

 

I myself went through 3 weeks of denial, questioning, breakdowns and all of those really painful moments in my talks with ex before finally cutting the cord and starting to take care of myself.

 

Dont get me wrong, Im not extremist and Im not saying I will never ever talk to my ex again, who knows what the future brings and in what form, even with her, but self-preservation is the main object of my focus for last 80 days since Im in NC. This self-preservation was probably the reason I never answered to 2 mails she has sent me since then.

 

So it all comes down to context about OP. If you take it as a cold fact to lift yourself up and start doing whats best for yourself, then yeah, it is something you really need to hear. I know I needed.

 

I know for sure, if I never took that perspective in after only 3 weeks, I would probably prolong my torture for weeks, maybe even months before finally realizing I cant do anything about the situation and most certainly expose myself to 10x more pain in process.

[blueplanet22]

In life, move forwards never backwards.

[roadrunner12]

This post is painfully true; the bottom line is you can't force someone to love you when their feelings aren't there anymore. You just have to accept the break up, move on, and leave it all behind.

 

x2

 

What is funny are those who consider Eocsur bitter, jaded, hates his life? Eocsur his the nail on the head and is in a far better place than those called him every name under the sun. The only bitter, jaded, hate their life, sad people are those who refuse to let go of the hope and acccept the breakup and move on.

[Donovan79]

They definitely come back. Especially if you handle the breakup well and agree with it at the time.

 

The question is only whether you should want them again, and if so, are they really willing to change or just feeling lonely. And it hurts like hell to get back with someone who you know is only doing it because they're lonely.

[secondchance67]

For me to go back to her, she would have to have changed so fundamentally, changed to her inner core - healed her inner hurts and emotional issues, and I would need to see that she had at least one other relationship, one that she displayed her personal growth in, for me to even consider SPEAKING with her, let alone remotely entertaining the notion of reconciliation.

 

At this point, my healing, my inner work and realization that I truly know nothing about my self, my issues are just coming to the forefront - they are my priority now...to better myself, heal the inner child form my past, and become a better man...a better human being.

 

I look at her as almost like a cartoon character - so flawed and aimless, so ridiculous in her actions and motives....so childish and predictable....almost like a character in a bad LifeTime TV movie romance....she is the apex of everything i DON'T want in a person, and i see that clearer each day.

 

She will never even attempt to better herself; she will bury her head in the sand, drink herself numb., and use her body and looks until they can no longer provide her the comfort of a warm body lying next to her.

Her needs are shallow and on the surface...primal, simplistic...

 

my needs are so much deeper now; I want to understand myself, correct my issues NOW, before i drag them into a new relationship and possibly hurt someone in the process....i want to learn all I can about the laws of attraction, reconciliation, love and inner peace.

 

She wants a carefree existence, where there is no drama or "work to be done" , someone to take care of her, and a relationship status to keep up with her friends and co-workers.......

 

I want to heal from the inside and out and learn to be the best person I can be...

 

 

I would not go back to a person who exists on that level of emotional maturity, integrity or character.

 

I would be better off alone, then to throw away all that I have gained, and continue to learn, just to have her back in my life.....

[ks1986]

I think so many people fail to realize that the relationship they are clinging to desperately wasn't actually a healthy relationship. It seems like some people are too naive or inexperienced to know what a GOOD relationship is like or when they meet someone that is truly different. Or they are so focused on wanting to fill the void of loneliness that it becomes all about themselves even though they think it's about their ex. A lot of times these people that so desperately want reconciliation get the chance that they've been hoping and wishing for only to realize they didn't actually want it.

 

Every person that's dumped me has come back at one point or another...so don't tell me it never happens. The only problem is I didn't want any of them any more. My only problem now is that this last relationship was different and I really don't think I'm gonna change my mind about what I want. I would love to meet a new special person to prove there is better out there, but nothing has come close so far.

[jeepman41]

I feel like the OP is taking the mindset that if you are broken up you can heal a lot faster if you accept the reality of the fact that it is over. Don't live you life waiting for one person to make you whole because you might be waiting forever. From a personal standpoint I understand what he is getting at. In order for this to work you have to break the emotional attachment to the other person. In that respect taking the stance that the OP alludes to will help you to heal and move on.

[Coconut Twin]

Hear hear! Bloody love this! So harsh, abrupt and somewhat true! Yea, nice bit of fire up the bum to get out of the delusional state we sometimes find ourselves in!