Will you get back together with your ex? No, you won't!

[mhowe]

I think the thread is about getting back together for the long haul....not a band aid second chance where neither party has made any effort to address what broke them up in the first place.

[DN]

This is the problem with generalisations based on personal experience only. Unless you can quote reasonable evidence all you have is an opinion that won't resonate with people who have a different personal experience.

 

I got back together with an ex and have been married for over 35 years. A friend reconnected with and later married his high-school sweetheart after two failed marriages. I have a number of relatives and friends who married people they broke up with at some point and who have stayed married.

 

Does that invalidate the argument that most people who break up get back together? No, it doesn't because I know of too many people who have broken up with others, sometimes with more than one person, and haven't reconciled. From my personal experience and observation, more don't reconcile than do.

 

But my experience/observation wouldn't justify extrapolating either case into a hard and fast rule even if I do later qualify it with 'exceptions to the rule'.

 

There is no rule in this instance that is helpful to an individual because each individual has a different experience.

[LaKings55]

Eocsor,maybe we really live in different worlds,,in my world exes get back all the time.Not many end up forever together... but most people DO GET a second chance in some way

 

Then what would be the point. I think a lot of people have a decent shot at "hooking" up with their exes a few times. But making it work for the long haul? Nope, not gonna happen. Like Eoc pointed out, the same problems will crop up at some point.

[swann]

I like to think of it like this line in a song I heard the other day.

 

"For a long time I thought you would be coming back to me, those kind of thoughts can be so cruel, so cruel"

 

So why does anyone want to be cruel to themselves? No one right? So what most people on here are saying is don't do that to yourself. Stop wasting time thinking, hoping, wishing or whatever that your ex will come back someday. Live for yourself and live for today. The future will be what it will be and you only control yourself, no one else so let them go. Just let them go. Took me a while to do this and I certainly still have my moments (probably always will to some degree) but you can't change anyone else but yourself. It's just wishful thinking for the most part.

 

Good thread by the way. Many excellent points made. That's why ena has helped me so much. Trick is to take what works for you from here and practice it. Certainly makes one aware of different perspectives and helps to open one up to other ways of seeing things. Thanks.

[Eocsor]

Eocsor,maybe we really live in different worlds,,in my world exes get back all the time.Not many end up forever together... but most people DO GET a second chance in some way

 

So you live on Venus I'm guessing.

[Brownstone322]

Then what would be the point. I think a lot of people have a decent shot at "hooking" up with their exes a few times. But making it work for the long haul? Nope, not gonna happen. Like Eoc pointed out, the same problems will crop up at some point.

I have a couple friends who are married to women with whom they were broken up for long periods. One was broken up for years before they got back together. They have four childtren among them. So am I s'posed to call them up and tell them to hire divorce lawyers 'cause you and Eocsor say they're actually not making it work?

[scotsguy]

I agree with DN...where's the evidence? Do you have cold hard numbers to back up your assertions? Out of 3 of my friends plus me who have broken up in the last 2 years, 3 have got back together with their ex. That's a 75% success rate. Yet my anecdotal evidence means nothing. I think it is more frequent than you are claiming. Even if it were only 10% I would assert that it is still a significant number of reconcilations rather than an "exception to the rule".

[Eocsor]

"Approximately 10 percent of all currently married couples (9 percent of white women and 14 percent of black women) in the United States have separated and reconciled" Wineberg and McCarthy, "Separtion and reconciliation in American marriages," Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46.

 

I don't consider 10% a statistically significant number

[DN]

"Approximately 10 percent of all currently married couples (9 percent of white women and 14 percent of black women) in the United States have separated and reconciled" Wineberg and McCarthy, "Separtion and reconciliation in American marriages," Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46.

 

I don't consider 10% a statistically significant number

Assuming that is a correct statistic it is too high for anyone to claim "Will you get back with your ex? No, you won't" and that anyone who does is an exception to the rule. Many people have won bets at odds of 10 to 1.

 

Additionally, that statistic is for married people and doesn't include single people who reconnect.

[Eocsor]

Assuming that is a correct statistic it is too high for anyone to claim "Will you get back with your ex? No, you won't" and that anyone who does is an exception to the rule. Many people have won bets at odds of 10 to 1.

 

Additionally, that statistic is for married people and doesn't include single people who reconnect.

 

Picky, picky. If you've read what I've been saying, it's that reconcilliations are the exception and not the rule. And that you likely won't be the exception, you'll be the rule. I admit(go back and check) that reconcilliations do occur. Just not very frequently and most likely not for the vaste majority of people holding onto hope here.

[jeepman41]

The OP has a point and is very emphatic and zealous about making it. But I think it's being posted in the wrong forum. The topic of this one is "Getting Back Together".

[DN]

Picky, picky. If you've read what I've been saying, it's that reconcilliations are the exception and not the rule. And that you likely won't be the exception, you'll be the rule. I admit(go back and check) that reconcilliations do occur. Just not very frequently and most likely not for the vaste majority of people holding onto hope here.

I think you are over-stating your point. I am not sure why because although it is wise to encourage people not to have false hope to try to kill of all hope is not accurate. I know you keep saying exceptions to the rule and what not but there are too many exceptions to make the rule valid in the first place.

 

I think if you were less dogmatic and emphatic people would find your points more useful.

[Eocsor]

I think if you were less dogmatic and emphatic people would find your points more useful.

 

If I was less dogmatic and emphatic people wouldn't care and wouldn't give the topic a second thought. If you want to make people think, you have to evoke a response.

[SethSLC]

I say if there was a reason why you two broke up, chances are those reasons are still the same and it will just end up the same way.

 

There are always reasons why you break up, otherwise you wouldn't break up. We aren't born into this world perfect. We make mistakes and either continue repeating those mistakes forever, or we learn from those mistakes and change. The only way those reasons you broke up will stay unchanged is if you choose to let them remain so.

[DN]

If I was less dogmatic and emphatic people wouldn't care and wouldn't give the topic a second thought. If you want to make people think, you have to evoke a response.

Maybe but some people will just dismiss the underlying idea because it doesn't resonate with them.

[WhenWillILove]

Uhm, it really, really depends. If this was a hurtful breakup, then no. But if you split up for reasons like long distance, then there is a chance to get back.

[Brownstone322]

"Approximately 10 percent of all currently married couples (9 percent of white women and 14 percent of black women) in the United States have separated and reconciled" Wineberg and McCarthy, "Separtion and reconciliation in American marriages," Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46.

 

I don't consider 10% a statistically significant number

I think that refers only to married people who were once separated from their marital spouses. Anyway, I think 10 percent is actually a fairly large number (larger than I would have predicted), because it includes all marriages. You seem to be presupposing that at least one partner wanted or sought reconciliation, which isn't true. Many separated couples (probably most) do not and did not seek reconciliation (which is something they either knew right away or decided over time).

 

Ten-to-one odds aren't very long to begin with (certainly not the "lottery" odds that some people like to reference). Among those hoping for reconciliation, the odds would be lower still. I think those statistics actually undermine your hard-line stance.

[Eocsor]

Maybe but some people will just dismiss the underlying idea because it doesn't resonate with them.

 

A lot of the people on this forum will dismiss it outright because it's not what they want to hear. We've all been there. The phase of the breakup where you are searching for anything that supports the idea that your ex will come back. At that stage you filter out anyone who says anything you don't want to hear. You can't argue with an addict who hasn't accepted their addiction yet.

 

At the end of the day the fact remains that the majority of people will not reconcile with their ex.

[Brownstone322]

At the end of the day the fact remains that the majority of people will not reconcile with their ex.

I've never seen any evidence that the majority wants to reconcile. And in a matter of pages your argument has morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority." That's not a compelling line of argumentation no matter what one does or doesn't want to hear.

[Eocsor]

I've never seen any evidence that the majority wants to reconcile. And in a matter of pages your argument has morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority." That's not a compelling line of argumentation no matter what one does or doesn't want to hear.

 

Now you're arguing semantics.

[Brownstone322]

Now you're arguing semantics.

No, I'm not. It's a simple point. It's called the "null hypothesis" -- something's presumed to not exist until evidence is introduced to support it. (Trust me; that's how research works.)

 

Anyway, you've made far-reaching arguments that don't pass the "smell test" and are actually contradicted by the one study you referenced. You (not anyone else) introduced the idea of "not a chance in hell," and that's a very strong statement that's certain to be challenged.

[endy]

Can we stop? The only point to this is that do you in a short amount of time or a long time for that matter usually get back with the one person that just dumped you and have it work out? The answer is no, usually you will not, and if you do, it's probably usually in general not the best thing for you, so move on. Because moving on is the best thing for you even in terms of a true reconciliation.

 

The ONLY stats out there that I have ever found are of marriage. It seems to infer that reconciliation rarely works out. Which is also why the majority of divorce ends for reasons of irreconciliable differences. I HAVE seen breakup coaches say that it is very rare that reconciliation works. I personally have not seen one, besides on here that lead to long term marriage.

 

I think to argue this is not important. I think the important message is let go, and move on because in both ways... your health, and to even possibly reconcile down the road... It's the best thing for you to just let go and move on.

 

DN, did you not let go before you got back with your ex, BS, were you not completely ok and healed before you contacted her again? I think that's the point that is being missed. Arguing statistics, and other things is irrelevant. I understand that he didn't put it that way at first, but in my view that's the message I got from it that he wanted to send to people. If not well... then I will stand corrected.

[roadrunner12]

And in a matter of pages your argument has morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority." That's not a compelling line of argumentation no matter what one does or doesn't want to hear.

 

Eocsor 1st sentence in that 1st post which has supposedly morphed from "not a chance in hell" to "less than a majority" in a matter of pages.

 

"Will you get back together with your ex? Odds are no, not a chance in hell. We all want it for whatever twisted reason but it just isn’t likely to happen. "

 

 

I guess you see what you want to see or hear. Are you a lawyer per chance Brownstone?

[Mellie]

I don't consider 10% a statistically significant number

 

If you win a mil on the lottery, do be sure to remember me

 

10% is only statistically significant to anyone if they're part of that 10%, I guess. I don't say that to be facetious - I'm not either this time around. But if I was, I'd no doubt be doing a merry jig and posting "Getting Together Can Happen" threads all over the place. Or more likely have disappeared to enjoy it as the majority do.

 

At the end of the day, I just want to be happy. Was my ex the only guy I was ever happy with? Nope. Is he the last guy who'll make me happy? Seems unlikely. But hell, never say never. Stranger things have happened than reconciliations. It's hardly crop circles or spontaneous human combustion. Happens every day.

 

No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. If you do, be sure to pick those lottery numbers well. I take Paypal, BTW

[Thorshammer]

Majority of my ex's wanted me back, and even some flings. I didnt take any of them back.

 

Its all about change in some way (career, personality, lifestyle), keeping attraction, and extreme confidence, and chance (if they had a bad or average experience after you, then they might come back, they fix whatever issues they had, etc.). Yes, these things arent easy to attain for some, and chance is completely out of your hands, but it does happen.

 

Also, reasons for the break up play a key role in what will happen. I believe my recent ex might not come back, mostly because when BU has something to do with lack of intimacy and passion, then those dont come back from my and others experience.

 

But no one can be pigeonholed into an easy formula or guess, and chance is just that... chance. This is nothing to bet on, and you are better off believing that they will never come back. Not only because that will help heal, but because it can make you stronger if they do come back.