NANNYSTUDENT

I find you be slightly pathetic at this point in my healing. I can't stay purely angry at you for very long which annoys me but also makes me thankful for my good heart. But when I start to even border on sentimental feelings I just go through a list of your less than perfect actions. Smile. Come back down to sanity. And light my cigarette.

Perfectly stated. Sums up all I feel.

, YOU. running around with a high schooler when you are 24. seriously???????? SERIOUSLY???? is this real life? do you remember all the years we shared? how you cried? begged me not to leave? told me to wait for you? to wait for what? for you to around with someone 7 years younger than you? and a year older than your little sister? this is not you. WHAT HAPPENED to the person I used to know? the person that slept on my chest? the person who spent christmas mornings with me. the person who knew all my fears. where did you go? you got scared? or so you claim. well guess what I hope you enjoy what you have started. I can't tell if this will last. and I am terrified. because I really really loved you. I just hope someday you understand that. because right now you have ripped my heart out of my chest and have been allowing life to take the life right out of me and I HATE you for it. you will never ever understand.

Thank you for showing me your true colors. I don't want to believe it-- but I know I have to. I can lie to anyone but not to myself and you have ripped my heart out. My shirt is tear soaked in the middle of a sunny afternoon. I never thought you would be the one to hurt me--- but as they say--- the one's who weren't supposed to hurt you are the ones that do, probably because of the power people like you are given by people like me that love you. So sad. My heart is broken. And you have no cares in the world. Such a sad place to be. I wonder if you will ever understand what it means to love the way I loved you. It is something that takes a strong person.... even though I may appear weak right now... to love you the way I did takes a strong person, someone who understands that happiness isn't what you give yourself but what you give to those around you. For you to realize that, you would have to let go of your selfishness... sadly, I don't see that happening. I pray that God will allow me to meet someone who will erase your memory for my tired, exhausted, heart and mind.

2 weeks and 2 days... so 16 days.... leaving for Ireland on Monday. Hopefully smooth sailing from here. And NO FACEBOOK! (might have to turn it back on to post pics of Ireland)! Every day has it's ups and downs.... starting to see more ups than downs though.... ! Yay! And I found rainboots on link removed and they are on there way here... really excited for them because they are super cute and classy! Ready to walk around Ireland in cute and classy style

I hope you have fun this weekend.... going out of your way to visit a girl still in high school. Pathetic. I don't even know what to say to you anymore.... I don't think there would be words. You know deep down what you did was wrong.... and someday I hope that guilt can eat you alive. Just remember karma, it comes around, and I have put your name on the list for more than a couple of things. I hope you are happy.

2 weeks. Today was a challenge for some reason. I am going to blame it on the nice weather. But 2 weeks nonetheless. Shopping for rainboots for Ireland and can't find my size in the style I want anywhere on the internet... and that for now is the one thing driving me crazy

* * * * YOU. That's all I really feel like saying to you. You are pathetic.

Day 13... tomorrow will be a full 2 weeks of my decision to go NC. I am doing ok. Just one foot in front of the other. It is what it is now. I wonder if this will phase "you" since you once made the comment that the longest we have gone is "3 weeks without communicating"--- I plan to make it to 60 days...and then I will be moving out of state... how is that for NC? I still feel bitterness at your complete selfishness and total lack of caring. But it is starting not to surprise me but really make me wonder how you will ever properly function in a relationship unless you settle.... because you are really incredibly selfish.

Idk where you are anymore. Or who you are anymore. But you really hurt me, in a way that I never thought you would. I really really loved you. I wonder if you will ever apologize for the way you left. It was bull sh*t. And I know you know it. So I hope you sleep well with your pride and that 17 year old high school joke of a girl you are interested in. You are 7 years older than her, just in case you forgot. And that is disgusting. I loved you with all I had, let down all my guards, and you did too. You got scared and ran. I hope someday that pride keeps you warm, has water fights in the kitchen with you, cooks you dinner, comforts you, supports you, encourages you, etc. Just remember when you lay down at night alone someday what you did to someone who loved you more than you will ever know. And I hope someday your can feel half the pain I have felt for the past two months you selfish piece of sh*t. You have really gotten under my skin... running like you did. Lying to me. Making me change my whole life again. I hope you are happy. Try not to black out tonight as you regress to the youth you feel you missed out on. Tell all your immature low life friends hi from the girl that actually loved you for you and not for something you do or because you're funny. I'm sure they are much more happy with you now that you are interested in someone on their lowlife trashy going no where level. I hope someday I get to a point where I want NOTHING to do with you. And it's coming... so just stay away from me if you want me to hate you for the rest of our lives... please just keep doing what you're doing.

Day 11....... Sick of caring would be how I feel today. Wish that I had a switch that I could flip. Or one of those Men in Black memory erasers. Then I think this whole process would be different. Starting to really find some truth in the phrase "Love is a drug."

10 days NC. My decision. Sticking to it. Cycling through feelings of anger at watching him become a completely different person and moments of disbelief/sadness that he just walked out of my life. Needless to say still smoking cigarettes......! ugh.

Day 9---- of official NC (by that I mean I am finally committing to the decision and feel whole heartedly that it is best and the desire to talk isn't there because it isn't positive anymore). My ex is I believe suffering from GIG syndrome.... so that has made the road to this decision a rocky and painful one because I am watching him become someone I don't really recognize... but has also made this batch of NC on my decision an easier one because I realize that RIGHT NOW.... talking serves no purpose except to last out and feel painful reminders that the man I knew is gone (whether it is forever or temporarily-- only time will tell) but I am dealing with reality and know that NC is simply the best thing right now. Although today was tough, because I attended a funeral, in which the daughter (her father passed) said the best thing we can do for her family and to honor her father is to never miss the opportunity that we have to tell someone how much they mean to us and how much we love them. That was tough because I love my ex dearly, deeper than I had ever thought possible, and I hope he knows that. But right now we are simply on different life paths.... tough and heart breaking but I do really hope he knows how much he means to me. Heartbreak is something that is more painful than I ever imagined.

8 days.... if the dreams would stop then I would be much better.... but him acting like a complete different person (I am 100% pos. that my ex "suffers" from GIG syndrome).... helps because it just makes me realize that all of what he is doing will be short lived and I ultimately feel sorry for him (not in a self-entitled way- simply because I have been done the road he is on and I know where it ends, which is empty). But I realize that RIGHT NOW there is no fixing this situation and it is futile to try both for his sake and my sake. He clearly has things he needs to "get out of his system" and I simply refuse to twiddle my thumbs in the mean time. I went through a F'd up batch of LC for the following 2.5 months after the break up with all the typical string a long statements and behaviors and then him trying to flip the guilt one me when I finally decided for myself that I was no longer apart of this situation. Sometimes people have to figure themselves out and that means without us.... I have accepted it and also realized I simply have no desire to be around the person he is anymore anyways. Still miss the "us" I knew, but reality= it's not there anymore.... so why hold on to a ghost?

Almost reached a full week of MY DECISION to go NC.... feels empowering! This was after 2 mos. of him controlling contact/stringing along. So I made the decision to walk away from a situation that was destroying what we had. It feels much better knowing that this is MY decision. Keep it up everyone... you really do grow stronger from it.... whether you see it now or not! Plus: Stop and think about your communication efforts? Are they really worth it? Do you really think that text will reverse their decision? Do you really think those phone calls that end in arguing or end awkwardly just to remind you that what you had isn't there anymore- are helpful? Do you think an email that goes unanswered of gets a "distant" reply will boost your spirits? No. They won't. They just will remind you that this situation is real RIGHT NOW... there is no changing it until they decide they WANT TO CHANGE IT THEMSELVES. Take back your power and stop reaching out to them.... just shows you will put up with them and you shouldn't be. Trust me. They know your phone number too. They probably know where you live. They know you have a FB. They know your email. So if THEY WANTED TO TALK TO YOU THEY WOULD- IF THEY WANTED TO SEE YOU THEY WOULD- IF THEY WANTED TO MAKE IT WORK THEY WOULD. I am new to all of this but I quickly realized I am not putting effort into something that I already spent years putting effort into. It is what it is now. I wanted to work on it. He didn't. His loss. But they will not realize that if you stick around with a banner and blinking lights saying "Walk all over me but I will wait right here." Don't make it easier for them while you suffer. Take back the power and give them silence.