Winning Her Back

[KaiserSoze]

I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of 7 years. We lived together for 5 1/2 of those years. I tried to let go and move on but I am having trouble with it. At first I was "OK whatever", then after a couple of weeks I realized I cared more for her then I thought possible. I asked her to give me a chance and she said she couldn't because she wasn't sure if she could love me again. I realized that almost everything was my fault.

 

I never tried to get along with her family and friends.

I was possesive and jealous about the stupidist things.

I asked her to marry me 3 years ago and never bought a ring (she siad yes but now she says she doesn't want to get married for a long time)

I hardly ever bought her flowers or did anything to show her I cared for her.

I spent all my time playing computer games and smoking pot when I should have been cherishing every moment with her.

I was a bitter and angry person becuase of my childhood.

 

It turns out she was unhappy for 2+ years and never told me.

I have since turned my life around. I quit smoking pot, I went into therapy to work on my jealousy and anger issues. I really feel I am changing. She has agreed to be friends and still hang out but I want more....I want her back. I write her poetry, songs, and we still occasionaly have sex. I just do not understand why she will not give me a chance, I know now I can make her happy....I finally know how.

She says I am only changing for her, but I'm not. I'm doing it for myself, but on the other hand she makes me want to be a better man. I know I should have saw signs during the relationship but I was an idiot.

I think she is afraid that if she comes back I will go back to being the bad person I was....and that it took her so long to work up the courage for her to leave me and she does not want to have to do it again.

She is not seeing anyone else, she is extremely busy with school and work.

It sucks that it took her leaving for me to realize I loved her more than anything. I think about her constantly. I told her that I am willing to do whatever it takes but she is still apprehensive to come back. I only see her once a week or so and I am finding it hard to show her how I've changed in the little time we spend talking. And when I do show her, she doesn't seem to care. I'm rambling on and on....

 

I know what I have to do, what I want to do. She just won't give me the chance to do it. I am crazy in love for the first time in my life. Any advise?

 

Things Ive tried;

Flowers (roses, lileys)

I bought a ring and proposed (Big Mistake! She said yes and a day later said no way)

I wrote her a song and several poems

Ive offered to go into couples therapy

among other things...nothing seems to work......HELP!

[aireyc]

Hey man, it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Winning her back may take time, but if you talk to her about how you have changed and what you have done, I think you can get her back. Keep doing the things you have, and if she requests anything at all, even if it is to not talk to her for a month or so, do as she wishes. That's about all you can do now.

 

Chris

[iwillhelpyou02]

just swallow ur pride and beg man just beg if she means that much to ya b like I LOVE YOU and i promise if u give me another chance you will love me 2.You mean everything 2 me.More than my life.

[StrawTink]

do not beg............................... ask her to go out on dates. don't call them dates ask her to go to dinner or the movies. whatever you do make sure you dont talk about the relationship. just start showing her this great guy you are. let her see him and feel him. let her get to know him and realise taht he isn't going anywhere. let her see that you are not the same guy take an interest in her life. say nice things to her. do nice things for her. validate her. take it slow. don't rush it. enjoy getting to know each other again. let her fall in love with you again. earn her trust it will be worth it. because it will be solid if it all works out.

[ryan14]

I agree with strawtink

 

just start showing her this great guy you are. let her see him and feel him. let her get to know him and realise taht he isn't going anywhere. let her see that you are not the same guy take an interest in her life. say nice things to her. do nice things for her. validate her. take it slow. don't rush it. enjoy getting to know each other again. let her fall in love with you again. earn her trust it will be worth it.

 

always make pleasurable moments (wonderul dates & happy chit chats) because this great experiences will turn into love, just be patient and everything will be in the right perspective.

 

dont push the issue (getting back together) too hard you might push her away and i think you dont want that right.

 

good luck and update us more

[southern_chic]

I agree:

don't beg!!! just start showing her this great guy you are. let her see him and feel him. let her get to know him and realise that he isn't going anywhere. let her see that you are not the same guy, take an interest in her life, say nice things to her, do nice things for her,and validate her. take it slow. don't rush it. enjoy getting to know each other again. let her fall in love with you again. earn her trust, it will be worth it.

 

don't make her feel suffocated or forced! Let her think that it's her idea for the two of you to get back together!

[KaiserSoze]

Thanks for the feedback. It's just so hard not to ask her to come back everytime I see her. Patience is not one of my strong points.

I will continue to see her when I can and let her see the new me.

I hope just may be she will realize she is walking away from her future.

 

Any romantic advise from you gals out there on something I could surprise her with. I've done all the normal stuff, I want to do something off the wall that will blow her mind. Thanks

[Scout]

I'm going to give you my advice, but I doubt you'll follow it. It takes a LOT of patience, and you mentioned you aren't patient. Anyway, here goes:

 

My friend, your ex has been unhappy with you for a loooong time - two and a half years, you say. There is no way that a few months of you changing is going to make that love return.

 

Ask yourself this question, and give yourself the unflinching truth back in your answer: could she possibly be right that you are only changing to win her back? Because if you are, she is going to be justifiably nervous that this is only a temporary change.

 

The only way to convince her otherwise - and to actually give her a chance to miss you - is to go into No Contact mode. If I were you, I would tell her that you still love her, but you realize you did a lot of damage in the relationship, and because you are genuinely sorry for that, you have to take a big risk, and give her some needed space. You also need some space of your own to figure out some things, and work on yourself.

 

And then actually work on yourself!

 

I bet if you do this - and wait a few months before you call her to see how she's doing - you will find you have a little more karma on your side, and more receptivity on her part to hang out with you more, get to know you all over again, and maybe actually create an opening to a reconciliation.

 

No relationship ever works out unless the problems are truly changed. I do not think you can change your problems while you are still obsessing over getting her back, and talking to her on a regular basis. First of all, one of your problems in the relationship appeared to be an over-dependence on her - thus the jealousy, bitterness, insecurity. You really need to learn for yourself that you can survive without her, in order to love her in a healthy way.

[KaiserSoze]

I truly am changing because I want to. I've wanted to for a long time and was just to scared to do it. Changing is a hard thing to take lightly and I agree I prob should just go No Contact at all. However I was hurt bad when she left and I feel the only way I could get over her is to forget her. I don't want to do that because I know I will never want her back after that. I know it sounds odd but I just want a chance before I take that step. Taking that step and forgetting her would be irreversible for me. You have to understand that for 5+ years everything I did was with the knowledge that we would be together forever. And she reinforced that feeling up until a few months before she ended it.

I just want a chance to show her I can make her happy....

Life is too short to throw away a 7 year relationship.

If she truly doesn't love me anymore then I will walk away.

[ufoureah]

Iam going thru the same thing only my ex says we re getting back together but she is afraid to do it now because she thinks we may snap back in the same habits again. She is working on communicating better and now that i have backed off a bit she is actually coming my way. we are excercising together and going places. sometimes I get a bit upset. we cry together and we still kiss. we are going whitewater rafting with friends on monday and then Iam going to go into no contact mode. we signed up for a communications class for couples class in October and she still wants to go. This is so bizarre but I have hope for a future if I play my cards right and don't act desperate and pushy.

hang in there my friend. feelings do not go away if they are real.

D

[Scout]

Well, I personally thought my advice was pretty good. Emotions rule over logic, though, and my advice would have taken some serious effort to use logic over emotions...and lots of patience. Something most of us love-lorn souls have a hard time with when we are anxious to have our ex back. But it takes strategy, patience, and a lot of inner work....

[trinitystorm]

i totally with scout- you have to go against your emotions and be patient.

[MrMikeWikowski]

Don't beg, Don't plead. It really doesn't work.

 

No one wants a broken, sad person around. Certainly not your ex.

 

The ironic thing in my case is that my ex broke me, and then didn't want the broken me. She even said so once.

 

You need to fix the break. Then maybe you will have a chance. Not till then though.

 

Mike

[KaiserSoze]

I have not done any begging, we had almost 3 weeks of no contact (kinda short I know) We are just hanging out maybe once a week or so.

If it does not progress any and if she does not seem happy around me I will try no contact for even longer, maybe until her school semester is over in December.

[KaiserSoze]

Well she came over on Sunday to hang out, she stopped by around 6pm and was complaining that her back hurt. So I grabbed some candles, and massage oil and proceeded to give her a back massage. It sooned turned into a full body massage, and about 2 hours into it she attacked me and we had sex for about 2 hours....it was amazing. We then took a shower together and had sex again. After that we watched a couple of movies and I made some dinner. I didn't bring up the relationship or getting back together at all. We hung out for nearly 8 hours. I hope this is a good sign, I did not call her at all Monday but I do plan to call her tonight, just to say hi.

[rich46]

Well she came over on Sunday to hang out, she stopped by around 6pm and was complaining that her back hurt. So I grabbed some candles, and massage oil and proceeded to give her a back massage. It sooned turned into a full body massage, and about 2 hours into it she attacked me and we had sex for about 2 hours....it was amazing. We then took a shower together and had sex again. After that we watched a couple of movies and I made some dinner. I didn't bring up the relationship or getting back together at all. We hung out for nearly 8 hours. I hope this is a good sign, I did not call her at all Monday but I do plan to call her tonight, just to say hi.

Great stuff, thanks for sharing all the details with us! I think you would have done better to have turned down the sex with your ex. I don't think it is a good sign because why would she want to get back together with you? You have sex, you hang out, you cook dinner for her...why commit to a relationship? Back off for a while and be strong. Of course it is tempting to jump in the sack with her, but it doesn't do you any favours in the long term. She's got you wrapped around her little finger. Stand up for yourself and don't let her mess you about. Next time she "attacks" you, let her know that unless you are in a relationship then she won't be treated to the bedroom/bathroom gymnastics...

[KaiserSoze]

Well, I should have followed the No contact advise.

She told me last night that she never wants to see me again.

I am so confused, I feel like my life has been turned inside out.

She said she found somebody else she wants to date, that no part of her wants me anymore.

So its over and I am a broken man now.

7 years wasted thinking we would be together forever.

She is coming over tonight to get the rest of her stuff. I don't understand why she never gave me a chance, she went from being the nicest sweetest person I have ever met to a cold hearted beotch.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, wish me luck I am moving on. Part of me will always have hope.

 

Advise....NO CONTACT... let them miss you, let them want to come back to you on there own. You can't make someone love you. Don't make the same mistake I did.

[KaiserSoze]

She came over last night to pick up some of her stuff.

She was cold and distant.

She said she went out with a guy on Monday, quick if you ask me.

I am completely lost, despaired, I hate myself.

I don't know what to do, I don't enjoy doing anything anymore.

I have never felt so bad in my life.

She hugged me goodbye and said it wasn't meant to be.

I feel like I don't want to live anymore.

[HCI]

She came over last night to pick up some of her stuff.

She was cold and distant.

She said she went out with a guy on Monday, quick if you ask me.

I am completely lost, despaired, I hate myself.

I don't know what to do, I don't enjoy doing anything anymore.

I have never felt so bad in my life.

She hugged me goodbye and said it wasn't meant to be.

I feel like I don't want to live anymore.

 

Be strong. REMEMBER: What does not kill you make you stronger! We cannot expect to pass trough life like a vacation! I tell you. The one person responsible for your happiness is you. Think of it like this: Donn´t you think it´s crazy if you can only be happy if ONE person in the whole world feels for you what you want them to feel? Don´t let ONE person have that power over you. Or you could choose to have it like that. Actually you should. But make sure that person is YOU!

 

I ask you one thing. Do you think that there is ONE more person out of everyone in the world that you could be VERY happy with. If you think hard about it and cast sentiment aside you will have a good answer.

 

Take control of your life. Only you are responsible.

 

BEst Wishes.

[KaiserSoze]

You are right, but no matter how much I tell myself that I can't help wondering if she will come back to me someday.

I'm sure there is someone better out there for me, the doubt I have is that I may never find them.

She left for all the wrong reasons and never gave me a 2nd chance, thats what hurts me the most.

[fridolyn]

I understand how you feel, we all understand that here. I know how you feel now and I wouldn't go back there. Its extremely painful and for me it was the most awful thing that could have happened to me. But... you will survive, you will get better, you will (with time) never want your ex back. You will stop crying, you will stop thinking about killing yourself, you will finally tell yourself that breaking up was a good thing (as long as you can learn from it). And one day, you will find love again...if not you will enjoy being on your own because the most important person in life is you!!!

 

Good luck!!! PM me EM me...I want to hear from you!!!!

 

 

***English is my second language***