Men I've met... to summarize... and what I plan to do...

[im sandra dee]

Men I've met... to summarize... and what I plan to do...

 

Firstly, I'm a 42 year old single female.

 

1) I met a 26 year old trainer at the gym in mid July and developed a crush on him. He re-awakened something in me. I wanted sex but I did not initiate anything. During the month of August, I got to know him a bit and my interest in him changed. I wanted to ask him out to get to know him better outside the gym but I held back. Then one month ago he found another job and I haven't seen him since. I sent him a text two weeks ago inviting him for a drink and he didn't respond. I still think about him. I hope someday that we will re-connect.

 

2) I decided today to cut ties with a man that I had sex with in February. His age 41. He was a flake yet I held on to the idea of him. I contacted him in mid-August after six months of abstaining from sex because I just wanted to have sex again. He said he was interested but it didn't happen. So I looked for someone else for a casual encounter. I have lost interest in him completely and don't ever want to have any contact with him anymore.

 

3) In mid-August, I had a casual encounter with a 25 year old guy that I met last year. It was fun and I thought we'd keep in touch but I have lost interest in him too and don't ever want to have any contact with him anymore.

 

4) Last week I started looking for a new casual encounter and I met a guy last Thursday night. His age 39. We had sex. It was a bad experience for me. On Monday morning, I went to a clinic to take a morning after pill and to be tested for STDs. I have to return to the clinic for two followups to be retested. I don't ever want to have any contact with him anymore.

 

5) Last Saturday night I met another guy. His age 38. We did not have intercourse. I performed oral on him when he asked me to. It was a fun experience sexually and non-sexually too because after fooling around he wanted to talk. I texted him on Monday night but he didn't respond. I called him last night but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I want to call him and ask him out but not for another sexual encounter. I'd like to get to know him better. I'm not sure yet when or if I will call him.

 

6) Yesterday I started working with a new 31 year old trainer that I hired and I am starting to like him. He seems nice. I've been thinking of asking him out, not for a casual encounter but to get to know him better. I think it's a good idea to wait and see if there are any signs he's interested before I decide anything. At the very least, I think it would be ok to ask him if he's single, if he has a girlfriend, if he ever dates his female clients --- but I'm not yet comfortable to get so personal. Maybe in time.

 

I've received lots of advice from posters about these men and I appreciate everyone's help. I know that I seem very screwed up to many of you. If I put things into context, I'm clearly trying to make up for lost time. I was a virgin until age 40 and I want it all and I want it now! Just kidding. What I'd like is to meet a good man who wants to be in a committed relationship with me. Exclusive but not necessarily that we'd get married. I'd like someone who is sexual like me so we can lots of safe fun together -- monogamy is the only option for safe sex, I believe. Also, the guy should have attributes I'm looking for -- attributes I'm still trying to figure out what they are. Taking a little time to myself to sort out my feelings and decide what I'm looking for in a man, might be a good idea!

 

Not to point out the obvious but I lost interest in every single man that I've had sex with and I'm interested in getting to know every single man that I've not had sex with.

[DN]

I don't think that you are likely to find a good man who wants a committed relationship with you if you continue on this course.

[Imthatguy]

I honestly believe you're looking in the wrong age group for what you want. maybe you should try a bit older men, not that I have anything against an age difference I just don't think you'll find a long term relationship with a male in his mid 20's. Also maybe you should think about getting a female trainer if you keep getting crusheson your younger male trainers. I don't think it's at all professional for a trainer to go on a date with a client, and really why are you seeking your trainers? I've had 2 trainers both of which were/are attractive females but I've never felt anything beyond a professional relationship with them because that's all it is.

[CMS]

In my experience, if you a certain type of opposite sex, then go to where the said type would hang out. For you I would think volunteering event, church event are better place to meet people that share your point of view

[Lavender25]

When I first started reading this it sounded like a phase I just ended... and I'm in my early 20's. When I got to the part about you being a virgin until you were 40, it made a little bit more sense. However, if a relationship is what you're looking for then you're not likely to find it with men who are up for "casual encounters." I just learned this the hard way.

 

After my LTR ended in 2009, I went through a phase where my life was only about going out to clubs and bars, drinking, and the occasional hook-up. This was totally unlike the person I was before the relationship ended. I hardly went out, wasn't a drinker, and my ex was my first love. Then I started to want a relationship, but all of the men I was meeting were only up for casual encounters. Then I met my most recent ex back in December and we had a great relationship for about 4 months until he ended it for reasons still unknown. This started the cycle all over again until I slept with someone who was a total jerk and it just made me realize that I enjoy sex so much more when I'm in love with a person. So I've decided not to have sex again until I'm in a serious relationship. I consider myself a very sexual person as well and I know this is going to be hard to do, but I just try to keep remembering how crushed I always feel when I find out that I was only used for sex.

 

It's probably better for you to learn this sooner rather than later.

[im sandra dee]

I don't think that you are likely to find a good man who wants a committed relationship with you if you continue on this course.

 

I don't want to continue on this course. If anything, I'm correcting course. I don't think it's too late for me to change myself. I am hopeful to get to know men 1, 5, 6. I won't mess up with them!

[Lavender25]

I don't think it sounds like you'll ever hear from guy #5 again. And I wouldn't pursue a trainer. I'm sure they get that all of the time and aren't interested.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I would forget all of these guys. What is your profession? What are your interests? What are you looking for in a guy. You have to have more criteria than a penis. If you're looking for a relationship, at your age I wouldn't bother with anyone in their 20's, and maybe up to mid or late 30's. I would also give up on trainers, as the other poster said. Given your past experience, you should look for someone you have more in common with, and not someone who's probably lived life (at least sexually) in the fast lane. It's a recipe for a disaster, or at least a ONS, heartbreak and drama. Are there any gym clients close to your age you may be interested in?

[Stay_home]

I think that you definitely should pump your brakes sooner rather than later before you have an accident.

 

You're driving a little too fast and if you're looking to meet someone of some kind of substance that takes time. Rushing to get to that destination when it comes to dating will cause you more trouble than for what it's worth. Take your time, Sandra.

[im sandra dee]

I just called guy #5 and got his voice mail. I left a message expressing my interest in getting to know him better and asked if he'd meet me for a drink.

 

I also indicated there is no rush and no pressure.

 

It's obvious to me and everyone on here that I need to slow things down, lol

 

It wasn't ideal but I think it was ok to leave a message with the invite.

 

Also I wasn't sure whether to say "no rush, no pressure" but I guess that I just want to give him an out. I don't want anyone calling me out of obligation. It gives him time to consider it if he's not sure. It gives me time to work out some of my issues. I am open to reconnecting with this man but I won't bet the house on it.

[Sambuca]

I think a lot of the guys you're interested in are perhaps a little too young to want a relationship with a woman of your age. Men in their twenties and early thirties do often get married, but to women around their own age. A man in that age group is likely to see a woman in her forties as a good time but not as a serious relationship prospect. Men around 40-50 years old are the ones who are likely to be looking for a committed relationship with a lady of 42.

 

Also, if you're looking for a serious relationship perhaps you should hold off on sex and stop the casual encounters. A man is unlikely to respect a woman and want a relationship with her if she serves herself up on a plate five minutes after he meets her.

[im sandra dee]

Also, if you're looking for a serious relationship perhaps you should hold off on sex and stop the casual encounters. A man is unlikely to respect a woman and want a relationship with her if she serves herself up on a plate five minutes after he meets her.

 

I am going to stop the casual encounters but not for the reason you stated. I want to get to know a man before we get intimate.

[Mesemene]

Not to point out the obvious but I lost interest in every single man that I've had sex with and I'm interested in getting to know every single man that I've not had sex with.

 

This would worry me if it continues as a trend. It could easily become a vicious cycle of finding guy - getting to know guy - liking guy - bedding guy - interest wanes. Not only will it be chopping away at potentially good relationships, it'll start to eat away at you wondering "what's WRONG with me? He's a nice guy, I liked him, we were having fun... do I have to be celibate to stay in a relationship??"

 

I'd consider going for a few counseling sessions, if just to see if you can work your way to the bottom of what makes a guy interesting to you until the sexual element comes into it - so at least YOU really feel like you're understanding yourself a bit more, and maybe have a handle on how to avoid it becoming a cycle you can't get out of - before it really becomes a problem.

[Hollyj]

If you're looking for something special, this is the wrong way.

 

I would also leave the younger men alone. And, stop chasing, let the men pursue you!!!!!!

[Hollyj]

Agree with the counseling!

[Eocsor]

How about being a little more concerned with your health and that of your partners. Even with protection the more frequently you have random hookups the more likely it is you will catch something and then pass it on. God forbid you get HIV and then pass that on. I've seen a good friend of mine (straight by the way) die from that and it's not pretty. Have more respect for yourself and you are likely to attract a better quality of guy.

[im sandra dee]

The vicious cycle seems to go like this -- finding guy -- bedding guy -- liking guy -- guys loses interest -- then eventually I lose interest.

 

Thanks for suggesting counselling but I had counselling already. This is something that I need to work out on my own because I know what is right, I just keep doing what is wrong. I have to break the vicious cycle.

[Ariel85]

The vicious cycle seems to go like this -- finding guy -- bedding guy -- liking guy -- guys loses interest -- then eventually I lose interest.

 

Why were you a virgin until 40?

 

It's almost like you have the emotional dating intelligence of someone half your age, because you did delay sex so long. Now, it's like you're a kid in a candy shop who keeps eating til he pukes, and can't understand why he always has a tummy ache.

 

And I don't agree with your assessment of the cycle. The first thing you're doing wrong is picking totally inappropriate men. That's your first mistake. Pawing at the 20 year olds at the gym, while tempting and entertaining, is not selecting guys who are relationship material for you. I think you first need to learn what kind of guy is even a proper choice, and then you need to learn how to date in a healthy way and keep your legs closed.

 

I vote for more therapy, because although you state you know what's right, you really don't.

[truegrit]

I think you need to forget #5 guy. You have tried to reach him 3 times, and I would think since you gave him oral sex if he was interested he would have gotten back to you pronto.

 

Take you time with this hunt..........

[erzerum7]

Why were you a virgin until 40?

 

It's almost like you have the emotional dating intelligence of someone half your age, because you did delay sex so long. Now, it's like you're a kid in a candy shop who keeps eating til he pukes, and can't understand why he always has a tummy ache.

 

And I don't agree with your assessment of the cycle. The first thing you're doing wrong is picking totally inappropriate men. That's your first mistake. Pawing at the 20 year olds at the gym, while tempting and entertaining, is not selecting guys who are relationship material for you. I think you first need to learn what kind of guy is even a proper choice, and then you need to learn how to date in a healthy way and keep your legs closed.

 

I vote for more therapy, because although you state you know what's right, you really don't.

 

Superb post. Fully agree.

[blueidealist24]

I agree with the people who say you need a man close to your own age. Sleeping with 25 year old men at 42 is just too weird, although I know it's maybe because you didn't get to casually sleep with 25 year old men when you were 25, lol.

[im sandra dee]

Why were you a virgin until 40?

 

It's almost like you have the emotional dating intelligence of someone half your age, because you did delay sex so long. Now, it's like you're a kid in a candy shop who keeps eating til he pukes, and can't understand why he always has a tummy ache.

 

And I don't agree with your assessment of the cycle. The first thing you're doing wrong is picking totally inappropriate men. That's your first mistake. Pawing at the 20 year olds at the gym, while tempting and entertaining, is not selecting guys who are relationship material for you. I think you first need to learn what kind of guy is even a proper choice, and then you need to learn how to date in a healthy way and keep your legs closed.

 

I vote for more therapy, because although you state you know what's right, you really don't.

 

I just didn't meet anyone.

 

I don't disagree about my emotional dating intelligence. I know that's why -- because I delayed sex so long and I delayed dating so long too. Don't I know what kind of guy is a proper choice? I think that I do but I've made compromises because the men with the qualities I'm looking for just don't exist or least I don't know where to find them.

 

More therapy isn't going to help. I've gone as far as I could with a therapist. The rest is up to me. What I know that I need to do is be honest with myself about what I want and just keep searching and meeting men and evaluating them.

 

I think you need to forget #5 guy. You have tried to reach him 3 times, and I would think since you gave him oral sex if he was interested he would have gotten back to you pronto.

 

He has given me the official brush-off. He's "busy". But he says he's sorry. Whatever.

 

I agree with the people who say you need a man close to your own age. Sleeping with 25 year old men at 42 is just too weird, although I know it's maybe because you didn't get to casually sleep with 25 year old men when you were 25, lol.

 

Exactly right! That's why it was exciting for me because I wanted to experience it -- I'd never experienced it when I should have.

[lostandhurt]

Hi Sandra,

 

Okay first off go buy some condoms and make sure you insist every man you are with wears one until you are in a committed relationship with him. No more unprotected sex please!!! If they refuse then they are selfish jerks and not someone you want to be with even casually. Your health is the most important thing here.

 

It seems you don't have any trouble meeting men so that is good. Most men will take what ever you give them at the speed you are comfortable with. If you just want to kiss on the first date then that is all you will do and they will have to accept that but if you are expecting a man to turn down sex on the first meeting you have a long wait. There are men like myself that will stop things before it goes to far but it is not an easy thing to do and I have broken my own rule more than I care to admit.

 

This is your life and you are learning as you go. You are correct that some men will loose interest if they think they can have you anytime they want or if you are to available. Games suck but there are some rules to attraction and dating that need to be followed. This is where Batya and other good posters here can help you.

 

Please be careful and slow down a little. It will happen and in the mean time buy yourself a nice toy to take the edge off so you don't go crazy!

 

Best wishes

Lost

[im sandra dee]

Lost, I have condoms! And I do insist every man wears one. I have never had unprotected sex. Never. My recent concerns about pregnancy and STDs were due a comment made by the man I had sex with last Thursday night -- he asked me if it was his cum or my cum on the outside of the condom. He did try to pressure me to have sex without a condom. I couldn't believe it! I thought he must be insane and I let this insane man into my house and into my bed. If he was joking, then it was a very bad joke. No one should joke about not wearing a condom. Going forward though, I don't want to have casual sex anymore. I want to be a committed relationship when I have sex and I will insist that my partner be tested for STDs. As for the rules about dating, I know them, I do. When I chose to have casual sex it was not within a dating situation. I was craving sex.

[lostandhurt]

Whew! Thanks for clearing that up.

 

I am glad you are finding your way on all this and rather fast so that is great!

 

Craving sex is a good thing as long as it doesn't overpower our common sense.

 

Lost