RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I am freaking out. I have a very good friend who is in the process of going through a contentious divorce. The ex-wife? A total psycho. As soon as they filed for separation, she started acting crazy. She would disappear for days at a time. She opened credit cards and started buying the kids cell phones, pets and got their noses pierced (for the two oldest - the kids are 14, 13, 11 and 10). She would yell at him and try to provoke him. She would threaten. She would lie... and now the unthinkable. They are due in court in less than two weeks. Tonight he was texting me throughout the night giving me a play-by-play of his daughter's soccer game. At 9pm, he told me that the police came to his door looking for his ex-wife (who wasn't home, as usual). He was working on homework with the kids. He got the kids to bed and then we spoke on the phone. At midnight, the police showed back up and arrested him on falsified assault charges. This is the most non-violent person I have ever met in my life. This man is like Super-Dad. Always taking the kids to their sports games. Always helping out with their homework. Bringing them to the doctor when they are sick. Attending parent-teacher conferences at school... It's a blatant ploy to gain an upper hand in the divorce proceedings. This is the most heinous thing I have ever seen. I am shocked. I am nautious. I am dumbfounded. I have NO idea what I can do to help or what to say. Please tell me this works out in the end. Please? I am on the verge of tears, I cannot sleep out of concern for my friend, I have no idea what to do. He's in custody right now. How can someone be SO heinous??? A false charge of domestic abuse is the most hideous thing a person can do... I am about to be sick. Any words of encouragement, advice, insight... heck, just a chat would be SO welcome right now... Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence, often suggested by lawyers. Hopefully, the charges will be shown to be unfounded and the accusation will rebound agianst her. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I had an acquaintance who went through this - and it did get sorted out. The kids are old enough to be questioned gently, as can be friends and neighbors. It may not be super quick, as they do have to investigate to make sure there's no substance - but a proper investigation should clear him if there's nothing to find - and she may find that judges in divorce court frown on falsifying charges and wasting the court and policemen's time. Not sure how he's off financially, but link removed Is a link with attorneys who take cases pro-bono from time to time. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 And to think these two were most likely IN love at the start. Only years down to the track for the relationship to become as corrupted as this. I find it quite worrying and somewhat frightening to think this can happen after so many years. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Thank you. I am SO shaken. It's mind blowing how someone can do this. A good man. A good father. He doesn't deserve this... I'm seriously sick to my stomach. I'm dying over here thinking of him in a jail cell. He was JUST joking with his kids about going to bed... Even if you hate your ex THAT much... to make something up like that? How do you do that??? People who make false accusations like that to get the upper hand should be thrown in jail for a good, long time. It's not just dirty, it's heinous... Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 To me, it's right up there with the girls who file false charges of rape because they're mad at an ex. And it's downright insulting and demeaning to the ones who have experienced the real results of domestic violence. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 And it's downright insulting and demeaning to the ones who have experienced the real results of domestic violence. Exactly! And to take a father from their children... children from their father... over lies! This woman is a terrible mother to boot. She takes off for days. She comes back intoxicated. The kids go to HIM if there's ever a problem with a teacher or they aren't feeling well. She didn't attend a single one of her son's baseball games this year.... it's all about power and money... I keep trying to google a story where this turns around... and I keep reading horror stories. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I hope he and his lawyers get together and try to prove in every way that she is an unfit mother with crazy accusations. i'm sorry. Link to comment
LN1987 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, but lots of men and women who are very friendly to others are capable of violence behind closed doors. My ex was a charmer, everyone loved him and he appears from all outside perspectives to be the nicest guy alive. When we fought though, his temper would flare up at the drop of a hat and he would let loose. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but if you asked any of his friends, or even mine if they thought my X was capable of half the things he did they would be dumbfounded. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, but lots of men and women who are very friendly to others are capable of violence behind closed doors. My ex was a charmer, everyone loved him and he appears from all outside perspectives to be the nicest guy alive. When we fought though, his temper would flare up at the drop of a hat and he would let loose. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but if you asked any of his friends, or even mine if they thought my X was capable of half the things he did they would be dumbfounded. That is true too!! and unfortunately, might work against your friend. he should probably counter with as much evidence that she is untrustworthy. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 ^^ Yes that definitely can happen. With the man's, wife's behavior, it is hard to point at the man as a potential reason for her actions. I don't think there is much which a husband can do to cause a wife and Mother to neglect their children in this way. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, but lots of men and women who are very friendly to others are capable of violence behind closed doors. My ex was a charmer, everyone loved him and he appears from all outside perspectives to be the nicest guy alive. When we fought though, his temper would flare up at the drop of a hat and he would let loose. I'm not saying that this is the case here, but if you asked any of his friends, or even mine if they thought my X was capable of half the things he did they would be dumbfounded. I understand. In this case, I don't believe it. The accusations of abuse started in the petition for divorce - but she was saying "financial" (which is not true either - she works part time and has never contributed any of this income to the household) and "emotional". No words about physical until the police showed up. She's been saying she was going to "take him for all he's got". He makes a 6 figure income. They were happily married for 13 years - and the first accusation came with the police knocking on the door. The kids aren't scared of him. At all. They walk on eggshells around her. If anyone is guilty of abuse in this case - it's her. It's good to point out that it can be the other way around, though. I appreciate that it can sometimes be the case. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 You might want to tell him, if he hasn't already, to start keeping a log of her disappearances, the times the school calls and only he is available, the school events only he attends, etc. One of the hardest things in custody hearings is when it's only he said-she said and there's been no records kept by either side to back up who should maintain primary custody. If he thinks he'll need them - the school should have records of things like permission slips, logs from signing kids out of school, etc - and the teachers/staff should know who came to the conferences. I get the impression she still lives at the family home - is this correct? Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 You might want to tell him, if he hasn't already, to start keeping a log of her disappearances, the times the school calls and only he is available, the school events only he attends, etc. One of the hardest things in custody hearings is when it's only he said-she said and there's been no records kept by either side to back up who should maintain primary custody. If he thinks he'll need them - the school should have records of things like permission slips, logs from signing kids out of school, etc - and the teachers/staff should know who came to the conferences. I get the impression she still lives at the family home - is this correct? Yes - she still lives there. When she comes home. Yes - luckily he has logs that he's been keeping for months and in a strange coincidence, he handed copies of them to his lawyer today. He had met with his lawyer to discuss the case conference coming up and they were preparing the brief. That was just this afternoon. On a side note - he had also offered (through his lawyer) to go to a parenting co-ordinator to mediate everything. When she refused based on cost, he offered to pay in full. She still refused. Now he's in jail. I just hope the courts see through all this... it's SO crazy... Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Sounds like he's been pretty smart, and the records he's kept should speak for him. I'm sorry he has to go through this to clear his name - hopefully since he has a lawyer it'll get sorted out as painlessly as possible. EDIT: It stinks he's had to keep her in the family home through all this, I imagine it's hard on him and the kids with her comings and goings. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 It stinks he's had to keep her in the family home through all this, I imagine it's hard on him and the kids with her comings and goings. BIG time. He was told there was nothing he could do until the case conference. He was going to ask her to leave voluntarily. In two weeks. Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 He's not texting me back. I understand why... but I just wish we could speak... Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hang in there - he's been strong enough to deal with her shenanigans and lavish attention on his kids - he'll be ok until he can call. You can always call the police station and see if you can get an update on his status as far as if he's been processed in, or is still in holding. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I so feel for you...I once had a good friend whose husband was quite abusive. One night he pushed her up against a fireplace, and she struck the side of her face on the corner, leaving a huge, purple bruise. She called the cops...while she was waiting for them outside, her husband scratched himself hard in several places on his face and neck, and when the cops showed up, he claimed that she had attacked him, and that he had pushed her away in self-defense. They arrested her for domestic violence. I know police do the best they can, but come on...she was about 5' 2" and 110 pounds...he was about 6' and 200 pounds...what they were thinking is beyond me. I hope your friend's story turns out better...those kids deserve a loving, dedicated parent who is there for them, not a flake. Link to comment
ApocalypseDreams Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 she was about 5' 2" and 110 pounds...he was about 6' and 200 pounds...what they were thinking is beyond me. Not talking about the specific case regarding your good friend but generally isn't this the kind of argument that wrongfully reduces the way society thinks about male victims of domestic abuse? Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 One of the problems that he will face, as you can see from this thread, is that people will start talking about women as victims and turning the issue around. In society at large and within the court system there is a bias against men. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 One of the problems that he will face, as you can see from this thread, is that people will start talking about women as victims and turning the issue around. In society at large and within the court system there is a bias against men. It wasn't my intention to deflect the issue, merely to point out that unfortunately, this sort of thing does happen. In any case, the reason there is a bias against men is because the vast majority of domestic abuse is -by- men. It's natural for society to think of it as a male-based crime, which is why I hope he has plenty of documentation to back him up. Most judges are aware that it can happen the other way, but they will need to see the facts before making a decision that goes against the common bias. Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 In any case, the reason there is a bias against men is because the vast majority of domestic abuse is -by- men. It's natural for society to think of it as a male-based crime, which is why I hope he has plenty of documentation to back him up. Most judges are aware that it can happen the other way, but they will need to see the facts before making a decision that goes against the common bias.Please do your research because this statement is incorrect and adds to the bias against men that is so prevalent. link removed Link to comment
RedDress Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 I've been reading up on this more and more. It's crazy! Apparently up to 23% of abuse allegations made by women during the course of a divorce have been found to be intentionally false. That doesn't include the ones where they couldn't find enough evidence... that accounts for about another 30%! This is definitely a form of abuse. Even if you hate your mate tremendously... how can you not recognize that it's best for your children to have them in their lives?? How can you watch them cart off someone you once loved in handcuffs when you KNOW in your heart they have done nothing but try to be a good parent?? It's abuse. Cold, heartless abuse. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Please do your research because this statement is incorrect and adds to the bias against men that is so prevalent. Not to derail the thread - but I actually witnessed a casual friend and neighbor who was on the receiving end of both physical and emotional abuse by his tiny wife. He was a 6'2" construction worker! She might've been barely over 5 feet and 110 lbs. He would end up calling the police to have her restrained since he didn't want to hurt her - but she would throw glass objects at him, hit him with items, and continue screaming at him as he ran out into the yard with his 3 year old daughter to get her out of the mess. Turned out she had a drug problem as well, and hadn't been paying the mortgage - she'd been funding her drug habit instead, and was having men over to *cough* add to her income while he worked long hours on construction sites. He found out about the bills after he was finally able to get enough to go in front of a judge and get her out. Within a week, he got a foreclosure notice from the bank. I often wonder what happened to him and his daughter - but he was a very determined father, I'm sure he managed. It's definitely possible for it to happen from the other end! Link to comment
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