jealousy with gf hanging out with male friend

[DN]

Sophie, if you had a boyfriend and it was a fairly serious relationship, and he subsequently met a girlfriend of yours and after a while they decided to go to the movies together a couple of times a month, you would be perfectly happy about that?

[Moontiger]

I used to hang out with my best friends boyfriend, just the two of us, quite a bit before I move out of state. We had similar interests in certain things an more often then not we mostly talked about my best friend.

 

Personally, as long as nothing was hidden from me and everyone was being up front, I would have no problem with a boyfriend of mine hanging out with one of my female friends. That alone doesn't raise any red flags for me.

 

In the OP's case I think we need to remember his GF doesn't have a lot of people to hang out with right now. So if she wants to get out of the house twice a month by seeing a scary movie with a mutual friend of her boyfriends, its well within the realm of reasonable behavior.

 

Truthfully, I more concerned about the communication in the relationship then anything else. OP, you stated that you are used to getting your way in disagreements because you girlfriend doesn't like conflict. Is it possible that the reason you are having these negative feelings about her hanging out with a mutual friend is because you don't get to be in control? Just something to think about.

[anxeo]

no i dont think so. like i already said, i wouldn't mind at all if she was out with a few female friends or even a few guy friends. just this one on one thing bugs me is all. i think one on one hang outs are strange, i've never done it. and in the past when i have thought about it, the bf of my friend would feel a little weird about it. so i would back off and instead just try to do something in a group since i know that uncomfortable feeling, but then again back then i didn't care if any of my ex gf's or women i've dated would hang out with since i didn't care that much for them.

[anxeo]

If the only thing stopping this woman from cheating with the OP's friend is a rule that she can't spend time alone with him, then I suspect the relationship probably isn't worth saving to begin with.

 

 

 

Who would you rather be in a relationship with. 1) Someone who stays with you because she wants to be with you on her own accord, or 2) Someone who only manages to stay with you because you shield her from any and all temptation?

 

Ultimately it comes down to choice. It is her choice to remain with the OP, and it's her choice to refrain from pursuing relations with others. This will be true regardless of whether she goes to the movies with the mutual friend or not.

 

dont get it twisted i dont shield her from people. when we are out in public i literally laugh at guys checking her out, and she has gone and hung out with a few guys before, one of them even being an ex bf and that didn't really bother me. only thing that bugs me is the one on one hang out. i trust her with all my heart. if anything if it came down to it i dont trust him much because of my friends current state "he just got out of 6 year relationship a few months ago talks regularly to me about how he would like to find some one or at least get laid.

[sophie274]

Sophie, if you had a boyfriend and it was a fairly serious relationship, and he subsequently met a girlfriend of yours and after a while they decided to go to the movies together a couple of times a month, you would be perfectly happy about that?

 

It's difficult for me to say, because it would definitely depend on how I felt about the friend in question (and on the kind of friendship I had with the girl). The girls I consider myself close and good friends with, no problem. Then there is a wider circle of girls I am "friendly" with, and some of those I would not trust at all with my boyfriend.

 

The genuine mutually shared interest that the boyfriend has admitted he doesn't really want anything to do with is also a big thing for me. If the boyfriend were willing to go with her and she chose to go with the friend instead, I'd be more weary.

[DN]

It's difficult for me to say, because it would definitely depend on how I felt about the friend in question (and on the kind of friendship I had with the girl). The girls I consider myself close and good friends with, no problem. Then there is a wider circle of girls I am "friendly" with, and some of those I would not trust at all with my boyfriend.

 

The genuine mutually shared interest that the boyfriend has admitted he doesn't really want anything to do with is also a big thing for me. If the boyfriend were willing to go with her and she chose to go with the friend instead, I'd be more weary.

This is my point though - it isn't as black and white as people would like to think and much depends on the circumstances and how you feel about the people involved.

 

It is possible to trust someone and yet still be uncomfortable with their behaviour - these things are not mutually exclusive because emotions are not always rational - they are more complex.

 

Many eminently trustworthy people have cheated when faced with temptation. It's asking a lot to expect a partner to trust under every possible scenario because you can't possibly know anyone enough to guarantee their behaviour.

[Fudgie]

One-on-ones aren't always "weird". Depends on the frequency and setting. For example, you may be comfortable with your gf hanging out very occasionally with a guy friend (that you know about, have met) one-on-one maybe in a school setting? Like after a class? Them grabbing a bite to eat in the same location? Locations like the movies, certain restaurants, can be more "intimate" and thus I can understand the worry, definitely. Or when things like alcohol are involved.

 

If nothing funky is going on, she will be fine with you going. I hang out one on one with guys sometimes and when I had a bf, I always told him about it and he was welcome to come. It wouldn't make a difference in what we were doing.

[anxeo]

she tells me exactly when she goes with him to the movies and answers any question i ask as to how it went and if they did anything after. most recently after the movie they were hungry so they went to a nearby apple bee's or something for food which i felt i dont know about. she's said if i want to come along i can, it's up to me.

 

Fudgie - of were something like they were in a school setting like you described/getting a bite to eat after then that wouldn't bother me since they just happened to be there and everything was right there. but with this arrangement they are either meeting up at the movies or she is picking him up from a bus stop in my town and then they go "since he doesn't drive and lives a few towns away" but that just depends though, they alternate with that. i just dont like one on one hang outs is all

[Fudgie]

Sounds like you don't like it very much because they have to make the effort to get together. The end result is still the same as my scenario - one-on-one hangout.

 

All you can do is ask to come and see what happens. Like I said, if anything is going on, you'll be able to tell when you're there.

[Tryptophan]

no he doesn't. he just got out of a 6 year relationship a few months ago. they sort of knew each other years ago but since my gf found out me and my friend had a pretty good friend ship, my gf and him have gotten to know one another better.

 

This kind of reminds me of my relationship with my ex. His "best friend" broke up with a guy, so she was heartbroken obviously. Then they started getting together more (studying was the case here), there was no attraction whatsoever, but their hanging out really bothered me. He even made me wait one time in a date we were having for 30 minutes. That was enough for me.

 

They didn't * * * * or anything, but it felt disrespectful. Movie or not movie, there's no reason they should have been spending time together, specifically after he knew how I felt about their relationship (in your case, now she knows). I still think I overreacted but it made me feel weird—gut feeling? Regardless, it's about how much you're willing to put up with, not about how much they're actually doing. It's your standards. And seriously, you never know what this can escalate to.

 

If it makes you feel uncomfortable and she's not willing to compromise... It shows how much she cares.

[SpottiOtti]

if anything if it came down to it i dont trust him much because of my friends current state "he just got out of 6 year relationship a few months ago talks regularly to me about how he would like to find some one or at least get laid.

 

I kinda thought this may be the real reason you were uneasy. It makes me think your feelings of jealousy are mixed in with a genuine desire to protect your girlfriend from this guy's intentions, if indeed they are to try and sleep with your girlfriend. Has he done this to you before, in the past?

 

Are you feeling jealousy, or are you feeling protective and possibly angry/bitter over unresolved conflict with your friend regarding this issue?

[Glowguy]

This whole thing seems strange to me. Your buddy is for sure violating the bro code and it seems to me like he's trying to horn in on your girlfriend. How good of a friend is this guy? No good buddy of mine would ever attempt to take one of my girlfriends out. Obviously I don't know the guy, but he should have your back in this situation. It would be different if this was one of her long time friends, but for her to start taking up with one of your friends seems inappropriate.

 

Did she react very defensively when you brought this up in conversation? Are they hanging out in other contexts besides horror movies? Are they texting each other all the time? Pay attention to what's going on here and if things start to escalate then you might want to reevaluate this relationship. I'm not suggesting you make any hasty decisions, but just be careful.

[FathomFear]

This whole thing seems strange to me. Your buddy is for sure violating the bro code and it seems to me like he's trying to horn in on your girlfriend. How good of a friend is this guy? No good buddy of mine would ever attempt to take one of my girlfriends out.

 

Question--do you think you would have the ability to go to the movies with a female friend without trying to hit on her? I always find that the overwhelming answer to this question is "Yes, of course!" Yet they have no faith in the ability of others to do the same. Don't you find that kind of...odd?

[mhowe]

I think this is much more about the insecurities of the OP and not about the behavior of his gf and best friend. If you can't trust those two people in your life, what have you got?

[Glowguy]

Question--do you think you would have the ability to go to the movies with a female friend without trying to hit on her? I always find that the overwhelming answer to this question is "Yes, of course!" Yet they have no faith in the ability of others to do the same. Don't you find that kind of...odd?

 

Yes, but people's estimation of their own judgement is notoriously flawed. Even when presented with concrete evidence and very compelling statistics they will swear that they are the exception to the rule and their own intentions should never be questioned (even though they have no problem holding others accountable or pointing out questionable/dangerous behavior in others). These types of reactions have been documented in various studies. So to answer your question: Yes I think so, but I do not pretend to be infallible to the above. Honestly, I would never put myself in a situation where I was hanging out with a friend's girlfriend even if I wanted to and I of course expect the same from them and I would see it as a big red flag if it started happening.

[DN]

Yes, but people's estimation of their own judgement is notoriously flawed. Even when presented with concrete evidence and very compelling statistics they will swear that they are the exception to the rule and their own intentions should never be questioned (even though they have no problem holding others accountable or pointing out questionable/dangerous behavior in others). These types of reactions have been documented in various studies. So to answer your question: Yes I think so, but I do not pretend to be infallible to the above. Honestly, I would never put myself in a situation where I was hanging out with a friend's girlfriend even if I wanted to and I of course expect the same from them and I would see it as a big red flag if it started happening.

I agree with this.

 

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

[anxeo]

lol wow. look it wouldn't matter if i it was my good friend, best friend, acquaintance or a friend of hers a didn't know. these are the facts here, her in a group i dont care. her one of one with any one with any one who isn't me, unless they are gay, her family or my family or a girl i dont like her being with is all. i just feel weird. in my experience i've never seen this as acceptable. now do i think the only thing a guy ever has on his mind is getting into the pants of the girl he's hanging out with? of course not. there are definitely women i would never sleep with or mess around with in general since i dont feel that way about them at all, would feel awkward. as it was said earlier, i just feel it becoming frequent is crossing the line. also, it doesn't seem they hang out at all other then if i'm involved and it's a group thing or just the movies, and they def dont text each other or anything like that. the most they do is on facebook they like each others status or a comment here or there. thats about it. i'll say it again, i dont believe my friend is trying to take my girl or would ever try, i just dont like the set up. even if he did try something i'm positive my girl would slap him

[Moontiger]

So just to make sure I understand what you are saying

 

1) You are positive she would never cheat on you.

2) You are sure that you friend is not trying to get in your GF pants

3) She always tells you when she is getting together with him, exactly what they did, hides nothing from you

4) They get together twice a month which you feel is to frequent to see a friend.

5) She doesn't have a lot of people to hang out with right now.

6) The majority of their communication is public (commenting on each others status)

 

Just trying to be honest with you here, to me, its sounding more and more like you have a mild issue with control. For example, it shocked you that your GF did just give into you when you told her your feelings in this situation.

 

Be very careful, you don't want to drive her away. Try and see things from her perspective. She doesn't go out very much, that can be hard, when you don't have people to just hang out with. So right now these twice a month outings are very important for her.

[Tryptophan]

A man and a woman in a dark room one day isn't much of a big deal if there's no reaction. Put them both in the same room often, and it still might not be a big deal. Put them both in the same room when they are BOTH having relationship issues, or they're feeling a little daring or even lonely, and boom. It's about what it might lead to and not what's happening per se and her refusal to see this as a potential space for cheating.

 

Think of it as potential energy. Potential energy is energy stored in system due to its position in a force field or due to its configuration. Change that configuration and/or remove the force field, and * * * * is bound to happen.

 

It doesn't take much to add those 2.

[anxeo]

well i appreciate every ones input, seriously you dont even know lol. i never thought i'd get so much insight in this situation and so many diverse but well thought out and written responses/opinions. ultimately i think i've decided on what i'm going to do though. even though this set up bothers me a little, i have too much trust and faith for my girl friend and relationship to allow this to cause problems. so for now, as long as it doesn't turn into something frequent i'll swallow my pride for a change, make this compromise and allow it. my gf needs more interaction with people that isn't myself, and if this is important to her then i should respect that. my gf has told me on multiple accounts it wont become a regular thing and will only be movies and that she loves me very much and is only into me and will only ever be into me. however, i will keep a close eye to see if anything strange or shady starts to happen. if so i'll deal with it accordingly if the time comes, though i doubt it. and if something did happen then, w/e screw it. obviously she wasn't the one for me. life moves on and i'll probably post a break up thread lmao. again, thanks guys your awesome!

[Moontiger]

Anxeo, I think that is the most mature response you can have to this situation.

 

As long as you keep lines of communications open and respect each other I think you and your GF are going to do just fine

[tommytoxen]

My girlfriend hangs around with loads of guys who fancy her and want her, and although I feel like smashing each and every one of their face's in, I leave her to it and don't let it affect our relationship because I trust her. And without trust, a relationship is doomed.

[Celadon]

I would probably spontaneously join them for a movie once in awhile ... It's great and essential that you trust her and him, but IDK, it wouldn't hurt to bring a little "reality" into their outings. Sometimes people slip into self-delusions when they think they're "just" hanging out with someone for fun. Not saying this is (or would ever be) the case with your gf or friend specifically, but you and she are dating, so there's no reason why you *shouldn't* go from time to time...

[20sgal88]

My initial reaction is: it's weird. I can't imagine myself palin' around with one of my boyfriend's friends, exclusively. One time my boyfriend and some other people were playing with the the ouija board and me and one of his guy friends wanted nothing to do with it so we talked amongst ourselves for awhile until they were done with their creepy * * * * . lol But that's about it. I don't think I'd make a conscious effort to hang out with one of my boyfriend's guy friends alone. Now, one of my boyfriend's girl friends is a different story.

 

I don't know. I just kinda feel like there's a fine line between "a friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex" and "something more between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex". You can virutally fall in love/be attracted to just about anyone. I personally wouldn't give that * * * * time to brew. You know what I mean? Personally, I put up a wall. A fortress that's impenetrable.

 

That way you don't have to deal with or worry about any "funny business". No line blurring, etc. I've just bore witness to human nature and I've seen that the more you associate yourself with a person, the more you're likely to develop an emotional bond. Those can get out of hand really quick. I'd bond with your significant other. Or, like you said, if I am going to hang out with opposite sex folks, I do so in a group.

 

That way, there's no opportunistic feelings that might get sparked. That way, one of the parties doesn't end up longing for the other one, etc. Yeah...this situation with your girlfriend and friend just don't sound like a good idea. Even if their intent is not bad, I'd still be wary of it.

 

edit: then I'd get to thinking: why? Why DO they want to hang out alone? I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that to my boyfriend and wonder how your girlfriend justifies it.

[20sgal88]

And now she's getting defensive? Uh-uuuh. Bad signs. Doing some weird * * * * you shouldn’t want to do in the first place, then getting upset when you're significant other confronts you about it. DN and Glowguy are right on. And anxeo—the real problem here, is horror movies do not bore you—they scare you * * * * less!

 

she tells me exactly when she goes with him to the movies and answers any question i ask as to how it went and if they did anything after. most recently after the movie they were hungry so they went to a nearby apple bee's or something for food which i felt i dont know about.

 

First movies, now food… Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

A man and a woman in a dark room one day isn't much of a big deal if there's no reaction. Put them both in the same room often, and it still might not be a big deal. Put them both in the same room when they are BOTH having relationship issues, or they're feeling a little daring or even lonely, and boom. It's about what it might lead to and not what's happening per se and her refusal to see this as a potential space for cheating.

 

Think of it as potential energy. Potential energy is energy stored in system due to its position in a force field or due to its configuration. Change that configuration and/or remove the force field, and * * * * is bound to happen.

 

It doesn't take much to add those 2.

 

Good point.