jealousy with gf hanging out with male friend

[DN]

Did you ask her how she would feel if you went to movie nights twice a month with a friend of hers?

[Fudgie]

I don't know, I'm torn here.

 

I've always had some male friends and it's been fine.There a good handful of guys that I'm not attracted to and like to hang out with because of common interests. That's cool.

My boyfriends also had female friends (no issues with infidelity) and I never had an issue with it. No, I don't think the "majority" of people would be against it. I know I'm not. I'm the sort who doesn't like to hang in groups, guys OR girls. I like one-on-one. When I'm secure in a relationship, I'm fine with my SO doing the same. I don't believe it's the "death of a relationship" just because one person likes to hang out with another to share a mutual interest. You don't have to be into EVERYTHING that your SO does. That's just not realistic.

 

Of course, I keep normal boundaries....tell your SO, keep things open, have your SO maybe meet them sometime, no sleepovers unless it's an emergency, no spending more time with friend than you, no flirting, etc.

 

If you are the sort who is prone to jealousy, I would tell you to work on it and get over it because it's not healthy.

 

However, if this is the first time you've felt this in your 4 years with her, I think it's something to explore. It's telling when someone who is not the jealous type to feel jealous over something suddenly and without a lot of reason.

[DN]

I think this is a situation that people can't really understand unless they have been there and are not just commenting on something that for them is hypothetical.

 

BTW - does your friend have a girlfriend of his own?

[Fudgie]

Yes, it's hard to deal with this one in hypotheicals. I grew up with some girls who said that they would be NOT clingy and not jealous in certain situations, they get boyfriends, and everything changes and yes, they are clingy and yes they are jealous in those situations. They just didn't know how they would act until it actually happened.

 

I've dealt with this several times. Maybe I'm "supposed" to feel jealous but I just don't. I know what an emotional affair is and I'm good at detecting things like that and I will NOT stand for an emotional affair, but I don't think going out to eat (not a romantic setting), a movie, or some event with a friend constitutes as infidelity or the end of the relationship. I'd like to think that people are just not that fragile, that just ONE night out with someone lands them in bed with them. It's kind of a ridiculous thought.

[DN]

Given the statistics on infidelity it's sometimes a wonder anybody trusts anyone. Let's face it, it's not an unreasonable worry.

[anxeo]

Did you ask her how she would feel if you went to movie nights twice a month with a friend of hers?

 

i did. she just said she wouldn't mind since she trusts me and it is a mutual friend. but part of me feels she's just saying that to cover her her own ass. it's kind of an easy trap or excuse to get around.

[anxeo]

I think this is a situation that people can't really understand unless they have been there and are not just commenting on something that for them is hypothetical.

 

BTW - does your friend have a girlfriend of his own?

 

no he doesn't. he just got out of a 6 year relationship a few months ago. they sort of knew each other years ago but since my gf found out me and my friend had a pretty good friend ship, my gf and him have gotten to know one another better.

[anxeo]

let me make it clear, i dont think she would ever cheat on me, especially not with this dude, i'm kind of superior to him in many ways "confidence, attractiveness, have a car, pretty independent etc" just it doesn't sit well with me she is with him alone is all. i wouldn't mind if it was her, my friend and another guy or girl and more people. just this one on one thing i dont like, honestly i dont know many people at all that do this and allow this to happen with their significant other. i think i would still feel the same if it was another guy. pretty much wouldn't matter who the guy was it would bother me. but if it's more then one guy i wouldn't care, you see where i'm coming from?

[DN]

Well, perhaps the situation will change when he gets a new girlfriend.

[Fudgie]

Given the statistics on infidelity it's sometimes a wonder anybody trusts anyone. Let's face it, it's not an unreasonable worry.

 

What are the stats? Something like 30% of men cheat in their marriages/relationships and it's not much better for women?

 

I wager that the main reason(s) why people cheat (not justifying it, it's WRONG, just offering an explanation) is that they aren't getting their needs met in the relationship and there are some other things going on. Those who gravitate toward emotional affairs are seeking out attention that they aren't getting from their wife. they have lost that "connection".

I don't think cheating happens just because it "can" or opportunity. Nearly 100% of men have the ability to cheat. Period. If they work, if they have friends, if they go out, they can cheat. It's fairly easy, really. There's a reason why it's 30% and not 100%.

 

I believe that the way to prevent cheating is to a) find someone who doesn't have a history of it and believes in monogamy too and b) work hard to make the relationship strong and enjoy your partner. Don't make time with you be a chore. You're never going to prevent cheating if you don't work on your relationship and instead want to "box" your boyfriend/girlfriend to stop them from seeking out others. Sad thing is, people do this and it makes the other person rebel more and become resentful. Unfortunately, doing this is easier than improving yourself or the relationship to many.

 

let me make it clear, i dont think she would ever cheat on me, especially not with this dude, i'm kind of superior to him in many ways "confidence, attractiveness, have a car, pretty independent etc" just it doesn't sit well with me she is with him alone is all. i wouldn't mind if it was her, my friend and another guy or girl and more people. just this one on one thing i dont like, honestly i dont know many people at all that do this and allow this to happen with their significant other. i think i would still feel the same if it was another guy. pretty much wouldn't matter who the guy was it would bother me. but if it's more then one guy i wouldn't care, you see where i'm coming from?

 

I suppose I do. I do think your worry comes from a smidge of mistrust for either your girl or the friend (or maybe both) that they would need other people there to be "accountable" because alone, you're worried of what may happen.

 

Maybe it's justified, maybe it's not. That's up to you. But that's what I read it as. You can take it as a good or bad thing.

 

If you're really starting to get paranoid about it, just ask to come along and see what happens.

[DN]

I wager that the main reason(s) why people cheat (not justifying it, it's WRONG, just offering an explanation) is that they aren't getting their needs met in the relationship and there are some other things going on. Those who gravitate toward emotional affairs are seeking out attention that they aren't getting from their wife. they have lost that "connection".

Yes, that is the excuse some people give. To my way of thinking it is more likely to be a way of putting the blame for infidelity on your partner.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with someone having friends of the opposite sex but I do think that having a regular twice a month movie date with a partner's friend is stretching the boundaries of what is respectful to a relationship.

[anxeo]

yea like i said, i'm worried this will become more then twice a month a become frequent because there will always be movies i dont want to watch, horror films or other wise. so what if she starts going to him when ever she wants to see something else? also, the whole thing about going with them to see how they are doesn't do much good because obviously they will act differently if i'm around especially now that she's aware this set up bothers me. i'm sure even if i hadn't told her this bothers me they would still act different if i tagged along. i would have to know how they are acting normally around each other while i'm not around.

[Fudgie]

Oh I agree - it's no excuse for cheating and cheating is always wrong. But wouldn't you agree that there some factors that may lead to cheating if someone is of the sort (no integrity) to cheat?

 

For example, let's look at rape. It's never the woman's fault that she is raped, I think we can all agree on that. However, they tell you certain things about how to "stay safe" when you're out. Like maybe not hanging out in sketchy places alone, taking weird drinks from weird people, etc. Regardless of what the woman does though, "risky" or not, it's still never her fault that she was raped. I liken this to cheating factors. It's always wrong that they cheat and it's not your fault because they shouldn't do it, but there may be some small things that can help.

 

I think everyone has different boundaries. If OP feels that it's too much, he needs to speak up. I personally would be okay with movie stuff but wouldn't be okay with fancy dinners or my BF taking a roadtrip with like ONE other person, who is a girl. That's not really cool in my book. And then I know there are others yet who are fine with their BF dancing with other girls or whatnot.

[anxeo]

Well, perhaps the situation will change when he gets a new girlfriend.

 

probably will. but i really can't count on that happening since he's not that smooth with the ladies, also i'm more of a proactive kind of guy "i make stuff happen" i'm not reactive, i just can't wait around for this thing to resolve it self.

[Fudgie]

yea like i said, i'm worried this will become more then twice a month a become frequent because there will always be movies i dont want to watch, horror films or other wise. so what if she starts going to him when ever she wants to see something else? also, the whole thing about going with them to see how they are doesn't do much good because obviously they will act differently if i'm around especially now that she's aware this set up bothers me. i'm sure even if i hadn't told her this bothers me they would still act different if i tagged along. i would have to know how they are acting normally around each other while i'm not around.

 

Well, it's time to speak up. Tell her that you're not comfortable with her seeing the guy that often.

 

Unfortunately, there is no way for you to see how they are "normally" because you would have to be there to see it. Unless you hired a spy, but that's not happening. I say just tag along and see what's up. Trust me, if there was anything amiss, I'm sure you could see it in their eye glances, remarks, and body language.

[DN]

Oh I agree - it's no excuse for cheating and cheating is always wrong. But wouldn't you agree that there some factors that may lead to cheating if someone is of the sort (no integrity) to cheat?

It's simple. If you are unhappy in the relationship - don't cheat. If the relationship can't be fixed, leave and find someone else.

 

Don't put yourself in a situation that may lead to cheating. And don't put unnecessary strain on a relationship by stretching boundaries too far. It's all very well to say "trust your partner" or "trust me, I would not cheat" but since that is also a cheater's charter it can be an unfair and risky thing to do.

 

OP - I do think you could make an effort to go with your partner to these movies occasionally. It is one of the small sacrifices one makes for a partner - like going with them to sports or the opera when you really have no interest.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, I see what you mean, DN. I wish more people followed that.

 

What do you feel is a situation(s) that may lead to cheating? Are all one-on-ones bad or is rather the nature/frequency of the outings that happen? I'm just curious.

I mean, aside from the obvious (clubbing with guys, drinking alone with someone, etc)

 

OP, DN is right on the sacrifices part. When i was with my ex, I tolerated seeing some truly AWFUL movies with him (and I mean AWFUL) and he tolerated going to some museums that I liked but he wasn't crazy about. Sometimes it's just part of being in a relationship, doing your best to share interests.

[DN]

Are all one-on-ones bad or is rather the nature/frequency of the outings that happen? I'm just curious.

No, I don't think all one on ones are bad. But there are some things that people should be doing with their partners not with others. I would say regular movie dates are one of them. It's not just about cheating - it's about what is appropriate and respectful to the relationship.

[anxeo]

thanks every one. DN, Fudgie guess i forgot that relationships do take sacrifices. and if watching some crappy horror films is the best way to deal with things with out complicating matters too much then i guess i'll deal. i just never considered something so small as watching a certain movie to be a sacrifice, but i guess no small problem is actually just a small problem if you let it get to you. it's just something i'm gonna have to suck up.

[Fudgie]

No, I don't think all one on ones are bad. But there are some things that people should be doing with their partners not with others. I would say regular movie dates are one of them. It's not just about cheating - it's about what is appropriate and respectful to the relationship.

 

Yeah to me the "regularness" of it would bother me if it was frequent. I also think the nature of the get-togethers is important.

 

thanks every one. DN, Fudgie guess i forgot that relationships do take sacrifices. and if watching some crappy horror films is the best way to deal with things with out complicating matters too much then i guess i'll deal. i just never considered something so small as watching a certain movie to be a sacrifice, but i guess no small problem is actually just a small problem if you let it get to you. it's just something i'm gonna have to suck up.

 

Yep, putting up with something boring/you dislike for the sake of the relationship is definitely a sacrifice on your part. We all have to do it at some point for our partners and ideally, our partners should do the same for us. You may not want to go to that movie, or that boring party, or that museum, but it benefits your relationship to do so. It means that you're taking an interest, or at least trying to.

[FathomFear]

I think this is a situation that people can't really understand unless they have been there and are not just commenting on something that for them is hypothetical.

 

I have no doubt that kneejerk reactions of jealousy are common. My point all along is that they are usually kneejerk and not rational, and if you're able to identify them as such you should treat them as such vs. being a slave to them. I mean, let's look at the facts:

 

- The OP has a good relationship with his girlfriend and his friend

- The OP does not believe that his girlfriend would cheat, nor does he think his friend would do anything inappropriate

- They do not randomly or frequently hang out.

- When a horror movie rolls along, they both attend because they like the genre.

 

To me, this is clearly one of those times when you need to snuff out kneejerk emotions with your brain. The scenario posed by the OP has to be one of the most harmless setups I've seen outlined in the two years I've been on this forum. It does not shock me at all that his girlfriend reactly poorly when confronted; I would have done the same for that very reason.

[DN]

The problem FathomFear is that too many people have dismissed as 'harmless' similar situations that have ended up with their partners cheating. As I said, given the high rates of infidelity it is not unreasonable to have an issue with a partner having twice a month movie dates with a friend. Are there really two new horror movies a month that it is necessary for them to see?

 

This is not some sort of club or group activity where they share an interest - going to a movie is different. Many people use a movie as their first date.

 

But as I said - this isn't just about cheating. It's about respect for a partner and taking something too far. It might be reasonable for one of these folks to phone the other and say "Hey, The Smurf Vampire movie is at the theatre - like to go see?" - It's quite another for two people to make this a twice a month habit.

 

It is just as unwise to have a blanket 'rule' allowing something as it is a blanket 'rule' forbidding it. Some behaviours are unwise if taken too far. You may categorise it as 'kneejerk' if you wish but there have been too many threads on here about infidelity and how it began for me to be as dismissive.

[FathomFear]

The problem FathomFear is that too many people have dismissed as 'harmless' similar situations that have ended up with their partners cheating.

 

If the only thing stopping this woman from cheating with the OP's friend is a rule that she can't spend time alone with him, then I suspect the relationship probably isn't worth saving to begin with.

 

As I said, given the high rates of infidelity it is not unreasonable to have an issue with a partner having twice a month movie dates with a friend. Are there really two new horror movies a month that it is necessary for them to see?

 

Who would you rather be in a relationship with. 1) Someone who stays with you because she wants to be with you on her own accord, or 2) Someone who only manages to stay with you because you shield her from any and all temptation?

 

Ultimately it comes down to choice. It is her choice to remain with the OP, and it's her choice to refrain from pursuing relations with others. This will be true regardless of whether she goes to the movies with the mutual friend or not.

[DN]

I think your points are all well taken. But I don't think they reflect the world as it is.

[sophie274]

Well, I agree with FathomFear that this sounds totally above-board, and, to me, appropriate. I haven't been in the exact reverse-situation, but my ex had a few girlfriends (friend girls) at home, and when he was home for the summer he would go out with them alone - no problem with me. I know it's not the same as a year-round thing, but he just didn't have many girlfriends at college. Conversely, a lot of my best friends are guys, and we go out to dinner/movies/to each other's houses one on one. NOTHING even close to romantic or borderline has ever happened, nor would it: I respect all of their relationships way too much, and besides that am not interested in romance with them! However, the fiance of one of these very good friends apparently feels uncomfortable about me or threatened by me, which actually made me feel really bad (and bad for her, because that's the last thing I wanted to do).

 

Anyway, I think an easy solution is to offer to take your girlfriend out to see one of these movies. However, make sure to be enthusiastic and pleasant about it - otherwise she'll much prefer to go with your friend if he actually enjoys the outings. I've had boyfriends offer to partake in an interest of mine only to whine and complain and poo-poo whatever it is the whole time, and that was the last time I took them with me!