Me vs. Him

[Emilia]

Hi all-

 

Me and my bf have been together for 8 years. We have been thinking about marriage, but we both were inbetween jobs and havent really found the right time. Josh, my bf was in the Air Force and we were long distance for 4 years. Right after he got out, he decided he wanted to stay where he was stationed at a little while longer (Texas). I am from Pennsylvania. So I moved from PA to TX for him. I wanted to see a new state, live in a different city for a while. We ended up staying there for 2 years. After those 2 years, we ended up moving to FL because Josh loves the state and wanted to live right near the beach. I was hesitant because I miss my family so much and wanted to be with them BUT at the same time living near the beach sounded pretty cool to me. So we moved to FL, where I am now.

 

Im not happy here. I miss my family and want to be around them. I have a work a home HR job with a reputable company and live 2 miles from the beach. Sounds like the life huh? Im still not happy because I feel the need t be home. Josh doesnt want to move back to PA because he gets depressed in the winter. He told me to visit my family and work from home once a month so we can be in FL and me see my family. To me that is 300-400 per month on airline tickets and a bf that just doesnt get I want to live near my family.

 

We live together, and I want to get my own place soley for the fact that my family is against it & I want things to be more special when we are married. Financially I couldn't afford my own place in FL, and he could not either. If I moved back up to PA my sister is willing to get a place with me and Josh has friends/a brother he could stay with.

 

I feel that Josh isn't understanding my needs of family. He hates PA, and Im not happy in FL. I followed him to Texas for 2 years...shouldn't he do this for me? I feel like if I stay Ill miss my family too much and give my dream of living near my family away to live the life he wants to live.

 

We love each other very much and I could't imagine my life without him. But I love my family and want to live near them.

 

Im so confused

[OptomisticGirl]

The basic fact is, neither one of you are willing to buge and neither of you are wrong for it. You want to be closer to you family (which is valid) and he doesn't want to live in that area (also valid). The thing is, you didn't HAVE to move to TX for 2 years to be with him. That was a decision you made and it's not one you can expect a 'I did this for you, you have to do this for me' kind of thing because it sounds like he has let it be known for some time he does not want to live in PA, at all.

 

Neither of us you should have to sacrifice where you want to live. I think you seriously need to think about the fact this relationship isn't going to last much longer.

[raziel1687]

Since you work from Home, I guess you can live anywhere you want. Would it be too much if you lived half the year in PA with your family, and then the other half down in FL with your boyfriend? (I live in FL too so I know how expensive having your own place can be)

[Betweenthebars]

Since you work from Home, I guess you can live anywhere you want. Would it be too much if you lived half the year in PA with your family, and then the other half down in FL with your boyfriend? (I live in FL too so I know how expensive having your own place can be)

 

That could work, but it could also make their relationship harder. Long distance for six months at a time doesn't sound too harsh, but a lot of things can go wrong in that time. Though, if OP is secure in her relationship and feels they could survive such constant distance, that's a great idea.

 

My husband made me move to Alaska with him, so I know how you feel. Ive been away from my home state for two years, and I miss my family greatly. Hell, not just my family, but Washington in general. It's beautiful there. He has finally realized how I feel, so in September we are moving out of state and into my home town.

 

If he isn't willing to do the same thing, and you two really do have a stable relationship, why not test drive the six months idea? Try it for one year. If it works, great

[abitbroken]

If Josh is depressed in the winter, there are remedies for seasonal affective disorder like full spectrum lightbulbs, paired with vitamin d + serotonin supplements and other things. I used to be very affected by it and now I am not so much anymore. I understand where some folks feel you both won't budge, but after all, you moved to TX to be with him because that is what he wanted instead of adding extra years to the 4 years you were apart. And now you are in Florida because that is what he really wanted, but you thought "heck, okay, it might be fun," but on your own its not a thought that crossed your mind. You tried it and you don't like it. I think you have compromised enough, and now its his turn to do a little budging. It doesn't mean you have to move next to your parents, but there has to be a decent compromise - maybe you live close to a lake or near the coast and you aren't right next to your parents but within a few hours versus a day's drive or so. You have lived other places for over two years for him, so maybe its time that he went to be near your family so he could get to know them better also. Even if you just did it before marriage so you could live apart to make it more special. Not long distance, but living close by. It is hard to move out after you are in, however. It might feel like a break up. But I feel that even if you do this in Florida, it is a reasonable compromise to request. Maybe it means that you yourself live farther inland to be more affordrable or to get a roomie.

 

I think that even if you don't want to do anything that radical, I think you really need to think if you want to marry this man or not. If you are unhappy, review is it just the place you live or the relationship.

[Emilia]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

I guess my hang up is, is that he is unwilling to budge. We have been fighting a lot over the issue. I don't want locatin of all things to break us up. I almost wish that I or he had done something really wrong to skrew this relationship up instead of distance.

 

The living apart for 6 months is a good idea, but at the same time I am not willing to do that again becuase we were long distance for 4 years. I just mentally couldn't deal with anymore of it. Maybe if we didn't do that long distance for so long it would be a different story.

 

I dont want to walk around thinking that he owes me something by moving back but I can't help but feel that way because I moved for him. 8 years together and us trying and surviving so many military deployments/long distance we thought we.

 

 

hope this doesnt mean its the end....

[mhowe]

You moved to TX because you wanted to be with him. Not the same as you moved for him --- and at the time, it was something you wanted to do.

 

You moved to FL cause it looked like fun, but you find it isn't for you. And PA is not for him. This is a deal breaker, and the longer you let it fester, the more resentment will build up.

[OptomisticGirl]

But you didn't HAVE to move for him - and I'm more than sure he didn't see the move (and netiher did you) as you did something for him so you were holding over him to get something you wanted later on down the road.

[Emilia]

Thanks for your responses. You are right I did not HAVE to move for him. BUt at the same time I think it shows loyalty and committment to the relationship. I feel a relationship is give & take.

 

He went to Miami tonight for the first time. He texted me and said that he will be living there in 6 months because he feels at home there. He said he will move there at "all costs". So It's US in Miami or ME back at home by myself. I love him so much but I think it's a selfish act. I mean even if I fell in love with a place and wanted to live there I would compromise with him on his wants so I wasn't being selfish

 

Is this normal? I dont know what to do

[OptomisticGirl]

have you thought about the fact he is trying to get out of the relationship and may be using this as an ultimatium?

[Emilia]

He loves me a lot & I dont believe he is using it to get out because he wants me to move there with him. He told me he wants me to go there to live. But I dont want to. Shouldn't he consider what I want as well? He says he is moving there at all costs...meaning if it meant giving me up he would. Should I follow? Is it not worth it? I just think if you really love someone u at least try to work the situation out without jumping into things.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, he should consider what you want but you also may have to realize this is a deal breaker - both for you and him. Neither one of you are in the wrong for wanting to live in the areas you want but there has to be a compromise. If he isn't willing to compromise you have to ask yourself will YOU be okay compromising or is this a deal breaker for you.

[Emilia]

You are right. I feel that if I stayed in the relationship and moved to Miami I would be "following" him and being with someone who doesnt really understand my needs to be close to my family. I want someone who is willing to compromise, since thats what I originally thought love was in the first place

[DN]

I too think you are being unfair in trying to impose this false compromise. You moved because you wanted to and now you want to go home. But he has never said or agreed that he would move to Pennsylvania so this isn't at all about him doing for you what you did for him.

 

Additionally, this has been a comparatively short time since you moved to be with him. If you were to marry and move to Pennsylvania that would presumably be for good. So this 'compromise' you talk about means you move 'for' him for a few years and he moves for you for the rest of your lives together. Even if this were a compromise it would be one heavily weighted in your favour. At some point in a relationship you need to make a life together and sometimes that means making choices that involve not getting everything you want.

[Emilia]

Yes, true but we are thinking about getting 2 houses because we both make decent money one in PA one in FL. I want to move to PA first and have my kids grow up around our families before moving to Florida so they can experience that. I dont think it's important to him but he knows how important that is to me.

[DN]

You don't seem to consider what is important to him either. I never think it wise to proceed on "what I think is important is more important than what you think is important".

 

I suspect this is going to be either a deal-breaker in which case you break-up or that one of you will give way and be very unhappy. Sometimes you have to accept that you are with the wrong person and look for someone who wants what you want.

[abitbroken]

I know a lot of people are saying that "she didn't HAVE To move." But in making a relationship work, I can see why she moved. She wanted to close the distance gap and at the time it might have been easier for her to move than him. It was a gamble, she could have moved and it was a disaster or could have moved and they reconnected after being apart and it was great. But she had to KNOW. I moved for someone before to be in their town near them and I am glad that I did because it was better to have that, then to be apart and have only warm fuzzy romantic feelings of "someday" and then get married and realize that we don't like eachother's company and can't be in the same town but be engaged already. Someone has to act or there is no relationship.

 

If anything, I may hold an unpopular view but I think rather than being inconsiderate of his view, you are accommodating him and making things too easy for him because he is getting to live wherever he wants thinking you will just follow. It is difficult that a precedent is set. You have a choice now to decide to be an active participant and that you will not move somewhere else again "because its cool" and need to have a real, thought out reason for you guys to move somewhere else.

 

I think that you should express your feelings that if you have children, you want them to live near family - his or yours to experience growing up with cousins, etc, and grandparents. At least for part of their childhood if not all instead of THINKING he doesn't feel the same. He might not even have kids on the radar and is thinking just about fun. you never know. And that could mean you move near family when you are going to have kids for the extra help, or wait until they are a few years old and can experience the family rather than being a baby and then moving before they remember. I don't think a condo or small home in PA is a fine idea if you think of it as an investment you are willing to sell later and then you can visit often your family up there if you can swing it. Florida is actually not a bad place to live as far as airfare being cheaper than a lot of places and family would want to visit often in the winter.

 

I think that you need to look at the rest of the relationship - do you have a say in the day to day, or does he have the attitude that his ideas always take precedence? if there is a lot of give and take and the location is the only problem, then maybe it can be resolved, but if this has been a "my way or the highway relationship" then I would consider that maybe you are working hard at making everything work when there should be some effortless things and common goals about a relationship that is a positive one.

[Batya33]

If you can give the real answer (not here if you don't want to, I mean to yourself) as to why you're not married after 8 years then that will also be the answer as to why you two can't seem to resolve the "where to live" issue. In my personal opinion (with that huge disclaimer) I think it's rigid on your part to insist that you be near your family and raise children near your family. Once you're married, he's your family. The rest of your family are still your family but he's your main family especially if you have a child. Maybe your parents could move to where you are half the year or visit a lot. Our child is a toddler and for the last 3 summers we've moved to where our parents are (our hometown) so that they can spend time with our child. They are unable to babysit or help us and they can't provide a place to stay so it is really difficult to do the move with a baby/toddler, believe me. But it's important to us that they see him.

 

I knew when I started dating my husband that I would likely have to relocate for him because of his career. We talked about it back then, before our first official date actually (it was our second time dating). Since you have such a specific requirement about raising your future child/children near your family I think that should have been discussed from the beginning or, at least before you moved to Texas (it sounds like you two are on the younger side so marriage/family might not have been part of the earlier discussions). Also you're asking him to assume that the two of you will get married and definitely will have a child, and that your families will still be living in PA at that time(and if not, what, do you require him to move again to where your parents are?). Right now you're not engaged, no wedding date, and no child. Sounds like a lot of "what ifs". On his side of things I think he is prioritizing location over your relationship and your future plans.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, true but we are thinking about getting 2 houses because we both make decent money one in PA one in FL. I want to move to PA first and have my kids grow up around our families before moving to Florida so they can experience that. I dont think it's important to him but he knows how important that is to me.

 

Was this something you two discussed before you moved to Texas? I'm sorry but this still sounds like it's boiling down to the most BASIC reason a relationship doesn't work - and that's different life goals. You want to live in PA with your family, raise your children their, and that's fine, you are allowed to want that out of life... but it sounds like he doesn't want that. And lets say he does compromise and moves back to PA with you - what happens the next time he wants something really big and pulls the compromise card? You can't say no because he compromised last time, now it's your turn. A couple should never compromise on huge life decisions like this because it can easily breed resentment if the other doesn't compromise the next go around.

 

I'm moving 4,000 miles away from my family to be with my fiance (who was willing to move here) but I don't SEE that as a compromise. I see that as me taking a step to give our future children a better future than I had here (because of what my fiance makes). And this is the core of the problem - you see your move to Texas as a compromise (and any other place) when it should be about you WANTING to move there with him, and the same gose with him. He shouldn't have to feel like he's compromising what he wants out of a living situation to please you.

[abitbroken]

Good stuff here:

 

If you can give the real answer (not here if you don't want to, I mean to yourself) as to why you're not married after 8 years then that will also be the answer as to why you two can't seem to resolve the "where to live" issue.

 

OptomisticGirl

Was this something you two discussed before you moved to Texas? I'm sorry but this still sounds like it's boiling down to the most BASIC reason a relationship doesn't work - and that's different life goals.

[OptomisticGirl]

Batya makes an excellent point. For me (and Batya, I assume) we do not NEED to be close to our families to raise our own families. Some people do and, while there is nothing WRONG with that, it's also something you can't push on someone else, especially your partner. Your partner sounds like he is like us, he's fine with raising his kids far away from his and your family. You aren't. So you have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you in this relationship.

[Emilia]

He didn't want to get married because we have been moving around form place to place and we haven't gotten the location thing figured out. Also we were long distance for about 5 out of the 8 years. I do want to ad, he wants to move to South Beach, FL and I want to move back to PA. His main motivation for moving to SoBe is the glamorous life style and nice cars. He said it's something to motivate him to be successful (he's a entrepuenr), rather than live in PA where there isn't such a glamorous place. I'm not knocking Miami/SoBe, but I think it would be a great place to vaca, just not to live. I'm not about all the glamour, and want my kids to grow up in a different environment.

 

That's our reasonings. I moved to TX and then to FL because my love for him is so great, I don't think he "owes" it to me to move back to PA, but I feel that it is more about considering my feelings.

[OptomisticGirl]

The fact is, you both want different things. He wants the glamarous life, you want the down to earth life to raise your kids. You are just at two different paths in life. He could compromise and move back with you, marry you, have kids - and then in five or ten years come to you one day saying he doesn't want this life anymore and leaves. It's something I have seen time and again when a lifestyle someone doesn't want is thrust upon them.

[DN]

That's our reasonings. I moved to TX and then to FL because my love for him is so great, I don't think he "owes" it to me to move back to PA, but I feel that it is more about considering my feelings.

But again, he could say the same thing - you aren't considering his. And I still think you are playing the "I moved for you therefore you owe it to me to move for you" card despite your saying you are not - if you are not why bring it up? He's not likely to be persuaded by that line of reasoning.

 

I agree that it seems you have different goals and motivations at the moment and neither one of you should do something to which you are so strongly averse. You both have very good reasons for what you want but they are mutually exclusive.

[kelstar]

the bottom line here is the same as for me and my boyfriend...different interests!...somehow, you have to reach a compromise, and it looks like you both have your reasons for how you want things!...you mentioned that he wants to live in Fla. for the lifestyle, but I say, does his lifestyle mean more to him than you do? I mean, nice cars and all are one thing...but, it's material!...what about your feelings??