Me vs. Him

[OptomisticGirl]

the bottom line here is the same as for me and my boyfriend...different interests!...somehow, you have to reach a compromise, and it looks like you both have your reasons for how you want things!...you mentioned that he wants to live in Fla. for the lifestyle, but I say, does his lifestyle mean more to him than you do? I mean, nice cars and all are one thing...but, it's material!...what about your feelings??

 

If it does than she has her answer. And that's a dangerous road to take because the boyfriend easily could say does the lifestyle SHE wants mean more to her than he does.

[Emilia]

Exatly, I really love him and it's tearing me apart that it's probably time that we separate. If he moved back up to PA and left all of that I really would never feel that he was living HIS life. I guess that 2 people really need the same major life goals in order to work for the long run. Not sure how Im going to get over something like this because 8 yrs is a long time and he's my entire world.

[DN]

and he's my entire world.

except for your family and living where you want to live as opposed to where he wants to live - these things are apparently more important to you. I don't think he would be convinced that he is your entire world if you break up with him.

[Emilia]

Can your family and your love be both of your entire worlds? I feel like without one my world wont go round... Im very close with my fammily. They will dissaprove of me if I dont move back. And they aren't mean to him but dont talk to him all too much when they get the chance. I can see where he is coming from in some regards.

 

What would you all think of this compromise? We move back to PA, we get married have kids in the next few years and we both work to having a second home in FL. The time that he invested in PA, I will be working hard for us to have another small home in FL that he will and our family will be able to go to whenever we please. So essentially we are both investing time in one another while in PA.

[OptomisticGirl]

I am super close to my family but I'm moving 4,000 miles to be with my fiance. He is more than willing to move here but our lives and the future lives of our kids will be better if I move there because of his job. No matter were I am in the world, I take my family's love with me, just because I move doesn't mean I'm not part of the family.

 

Honestly? Doesn't sound like much of a compromise. Your still getting what you want (him and you in PA) but what does he get? A second home? What if he wants to live there 6 months out of the year? Or 10 months out of the year?

[Emilia]

I wouldn't mind living in FL 6 months out of the year. I just don'twant to get locked into a job with vacation time in which I can only go home 2 weeks a year. Definitely not something I want to do. Some people can live without seeing their faimily all of the time and same can. I guess it's preference. The future of my kids I believe will be better in PA in my current situation. It wouldn't be bad in FL, but It's my grandparents dreams to see them all before they pass. Also, South Beach is a happening, glamorous place...I want them to learn the value of down to earth living before being in a crazy life stye like that.

[OptomisticGirl]

But I doubt your BF wants to live 6 months in PA as it sounds. I think you have realize Nat B that this just isn't going to work. You guys both want 2 different lifestyles and neither of you are wrong for wanting those lifestyles, it just means you aren't compatabile with each other. It's a hard thing to find out 8 years into a relationship but it happens. As I said, I am super close to my family but what's best for us and our future family, is England, which is why I'm moving there. I never felt like I am giving up anything by doing so. I just don't see this working out for you.

[DN]

What would you all think of this compromise? We move back to PA, we get married have kids in the next few years and we both work to having a second home in FL. The time that he invested in PA, I will be working hard for us to have another small home in FL that he will and our family will be able to go to whenever we please. So essentially we are both investing time in one another while in PA.

That is not a compromise. In the first place he will know that 'work towards' means 'never gonna happen short of winning the lottery' or 'we'd spend at most two weeks there' and "if there is a financial emergency the Florida home is gone'.

 

You want your principal home to be where your family is, where your jobs are, where your friends and social life are - that would be your real home. Florida would be a secondary holiday home and not what he is thinking of at all.

 

And I doubt he will be convinced by you trying to use prospective children to win the argument. He could equally well argue the benefits of them being brought up in Florida and will be annoyed by you assuming you are the only one who gets to determine what is good for them.

[hexaemeron]

I'm sorry, Natalie. Go to Primanti Bros and get a sandwich. Sit down and realize that you both have goals that are mutually incompatible. No matter how much you tell him Kennywood is awesome and Shadyside has lovely schools, he's not going to give in.

 

And neither should you, if it's truly what you want. I'm sorry, but this is a nonstarter.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't mind living in FL 6 months out of the year. I just don'twant to get locked into a job with vacation time in which I can only go home 2 weeks a year. Definitely not something I want to do. Some people can live without seeing their faimily all of the time and same can. I guess it's preference. The future of my kids I believe will be better in PA in my current situation. It wouldn't be bad in FL, but It's my grandparents dreams to see them all before they pass. Also, South Beach is a happening, glamorous place...I want them to learn the value of down to earth living before being in a crazy life stye like that.

 

You have interesting word choice - they are "my kids" (not his and yours) and, I hate to be blunt but asking your boyfriend to live in a different state hundreds of miles from where he wants to be because the future great grandparents want to "see" their great grandchildren before they pass? Obviously that would be wonderful but that's icing on the cake, not a reason to live in a location where he doesn't want to be. You can bring the children to see them from Florida to PA and I am sure their real dream is to see you happy and with your own family.

You sure can instill down to earth living wherever you are - you do that in your own home, you take them to places that are down to earth, you make the choices. Will they be exposed to happening, glamorous South Beach? Probably. But their values are going to come from you two and what you teach them. It's not going to be down to earth if they're exposed to a father who feels like he made too many sacrifices for the family.

And good luck finding a job where you can get all that vacation time and still afford two homes.