tattoobunnie Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hi Everyone! I'm looking to buy a personal home. It's been a personal goal of mine for over 3 years. While I have a wedding date tentatively set for 3/24/12, my brother is cautioning me to not have my future mother-in-law move in with me and my fiance...that she could rent an apartment somewhere else. That it was very important to establish a "we" and have children first. That her issues are not my responsibility. That if things did not work out, it would be horrible. I worry about her health, and being alone. She is a diabetic who doesn't take the best care of herself, has abandonment issues, and is a hoarder who is now on the right track with cleaning up and throwing things away. Currently, they both live together three hours away, and he, she, and I have talked about living arrangements for over 4 months now. Do you think I should reconsider having her move in with us? I've known her since I was 16, so it's not like she anywhere near a stranger to me...she is family. Thanks. Also, I would be the bread-winner for now for us, and the home would be under my name. My sweetheart's credit and earnings is less than half of mine, so I wouldn't qualify for a loan if we did it together. Link to comment
Firiel Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 You know, it really depends on the situation. My husband and I lived with his parents the summer before our wedding, and we didn't have any issues crop up because of it. But then, that was temporary. After the wedding, we moved to another state and have been living alone since. Your brother does have some valid points, but so do you, and I think it's very honorable that you care about her health the way you do. In the end, only you and your fiance know the nuances of the situation well enough to determine what the best course of action is. Consider your brother's reservations, talk them through with your fiance, and maybe even ask your MIL what she thinks of them. Link to comment
jaywalk Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I personally wouldnt want to live with my inlaws, regardless of the situation, until we established our home and got settled in it. My wife and I lived for a very short time with my parents when we married and then moved to our place and we decided to locate ourselves equidistant from either of our families as to not show partiality to either side. I would also add that the first year is the most strenuous on a marriage and shouldnt be complicated any more than necessary. The health of your mother-in-law to be and the concerns therein are to be considered, yes, but do you really want to find yourselves having to watch out when and where you get frisky for fear of his mom catching you? I would tread carefully Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 My first wife and I lived with my mother for a short time when we were first married due to monetary issues and I was finishing my degree. Was it the worst thing that happened? No. Did it create issues? Yes. Its often hard for 2 women who are caring for a guy to live under the same roof. Things my ex had a hard time dealing with were my mom still acting like my mom. Doing things that my wife felt should have become part of her duties, my laundry etc. Funny part is, Im not the type to expect anyone to do my stuff for me. LOL. I guess it depends on the relationship you have with his mother now and what the boundries are. Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 My first wife and I lived with my mother for a short time when we were first married due to monetary issues and I was finishing my degree. Was it the worst thing that happened? No. Did it create issues? Yes. Its often hard for 2 women who are caring for a guy to live under the same roof. Things my ex had a hard time dealing with were my mom still acting like my mom. Doing things that my wife felt should have become part of her duties, my laundry etc. Funny part is, Im not the type to expect anyone to do my stuff for me. LOL. I guess it depends on the relationship you have with his mother now and what the boundries are. What's up Ed I agree with his point mentioned here. And just overall - when I looked at the title of this - all I could think about was "over my dead body"....regardless of the circumstances(like another poster said). Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Yeah... I worry about her falling into a diabetic coma, but I can't enable her. It would be essentially like taking care of a 55 year old kid. I was all set to go until I talked to my brother yesterday. Aiming to get fiance to weigh in on this. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Yeah... I worry about her falling into a diabetic coma, but I can't enable her. It would be essentially like taking care of a 55 year old kid. I was all set to go until I talked to my brother yesterday. Aiming to get fiance to weigh in on this. Im living with my mother in law and let me tell u its horrible.But i work 45 hrs a week,and she is also diabetic,but my spouse has cirrhosis,and since she is home she still cooks for hi mand stuff and gives him injections.she is into everything.Hope everything goes well with my spouse under treatment,and next year im planning to buy our own house.U do what u have to do.....until u can.Its really tough however Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Spoke to my sweetie...apparently, recently he told her, "I want you close, but at arms-length. if you want grandkids, you can't be sleeping in the next room." So okay...no to MIL as a roomie. Link to comment
jaywalk Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Arms length is a good place to keep her. Congrats to you and your fiance. From what I've read, he is marrying a great person Link to comment
Tresha Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 It really depends on your personalities and how well people do with boundaries. Husband and I have both his mother and mine and we feel blessed. There are definitely challenges, especially when parents are aging and becoming more like the children in the relationship. If you ever go down this road, I would recommend a "monthly maintenance meeting" with a mediator/counselor/therapist. Some things that pop up may not be able to be handled "all in the family." Also, NEVER gang up on someone, even if they are wrong wrong wrong and the rest of you are right right right. That stuff is the stuff for the maintenance meeting. Trust me, it spares hurt feelings. We get ours for free at a local church that one of us attends. They love us, lol. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 If you're going to do it, build her a separate apartment and there has to be an open and honest discussion about boundaries and while you're at it you need to discuss her financial contributions (if any). She can't just walk into the house anytime she wants, you need your space and your privacy. If she's not 100% on the same page with you on this, then it's a no go. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I would not live with my mother-in-law even if I was sleeping on the street. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 Arms length is a good place to keep her. Congrats to you and your fiance. From what I've read, he is marrying a great person That's sweet of you to say, jaywalk. Thank you. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 Oddly...there has been an interesting twist within the past few days. Their landlord wants to evict them to charge more rent. He is now discussing with her the new possiblity of both of them moving out, him moving in with me, and her in a new apartment. Link to comment
petite Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Some in-laws are great and others not so much. If you want her living with you guys be prepared to share your partner with his mother on daily basis - not just him - the house too. Different women have their own rules and smallest things (how to set the table or dry the glasses) can turn into a huge problem. Having seen many strained (some men completely cut their parents off because of the wife) relationships between daughters in-law and mothers in-law I'd be weary of living with my in-laws. This is something that really needs to be discussed thoroughly and both parties need to compromise and understand that it's a shared space. That being said, I am of the opinion that no two women can share a living area and more importantly a kitchen whilst being happy. Before my fiance proposed we discussed living together and marriage but also what would happen to our parents if something tragic happened to one parent or they both end up really sick. It's a hard decision to make and he always said he did not want his parents living with him and his wife - however knowing myself, I'd sooner suggest we put them in a secondary suite (granny flat, in-law suite) than a nursing home (unless of course they need constant care 24/7 which we can't provide). It's something I'd be comfortable because they would have their own entry, kitchen, lounge and bedroom +bathroom plus a laundry - our house already has the secondary suite so it would be space well used. They would share the yard with us which I'm not fussed about and of course we would help take them to the doctors or clean/hire a cleaner and cook if they couldn't. That's something I'm comfortable with but if they didn't want that, then we would probably hire some help for them and split the cost between us and his sister. That's really far off and worst case scenario. I respect my parents a lot, and my future in-laws and I wouldn't be comfortable having them struggle alone or be in a assisted living environment if they don't really need to be. Of course everyone's situation is different and you never know what might happen in ten or twenty years but I think some future planing needs to be done so that everyone is comfortable. Of course I'd want them happy and in their own house, but older people need help and if their children can't help them well... I just don't think I could sleep peacefully knowing they might be suffering whilst I enjoy life. It wouldn't be the most ideal situation, but it's something I'd be okay with. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I wouldn't live with my mother in law but we don't exactly have a relationship.. Either... But as petite said, no two women can happily co exist. My mom and I argue because we see taking care of s house differently and she is my own mom! Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 I would not live with my mother-in-law even if I was sleeping on the street. Me too, lol. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Good news! She has been given two options for a place, one with her buddy, and one with her best friend's dad. Both of which she is looking forward to...it's a fresh start. Link to comment
henryfirst Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 There are 2 kinds of mother in laws: the unbearable and the bearable. If she is bearable then go for it. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 So this past weekend, I went up to help my Fiance pack. With her hoarding and abandonment issues, his mother spent the entire weekend crying, screaming, yelling, slamming doors, ripping up trash bags, and the rest of the time sitting on the couch telling us to stop cleaning or she'll throw up. I think a lot of you and my family are right...living with her would not be the wisest decision. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 With people who are hoarders you can not just walk in and throw away their stuff. That causes them more emotional damage. It has to be done in a professional manner where they teach her to let go. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 I already know that. It was my fiance's stuff that we were touching. Not hers. Nor did we touch any of her items. Anyway, it's either they are getting kicked out in 17 days. I would love a few months to work with this, yet, she has to get to it, 10 years of things need to be gone through, or it'll be out on the street. Link to comment
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