chitown9 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 He now tells me that I am over-reacting... and wrote in capitals TRUST ME PLEASE. I was impressed by this reply to you. I think that you should give it a lot of weight because he would not say this if he was sceaming on your bff. However, I would caution him not to make these meetups with her. Just say that you would feel better if he would comply with your request. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Even if he is 100% innocent, he should have been a bit more sensitive in regards to this friend (knowing how I feel about it already). Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 He now claims that this is all a misunderstanding. He wants me to write down a list of rules to how he should conduct himself in regards to contact and meet ups with this friend. He wants me to spell it out in black and white so that he knows without having to read my mind. This all seems a bit silly to me.... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 He wants me to write down a list of rules to how he should conduct himself in regards to contact and meet ups with this friend. He wants me to spell it out in black and white so that he knows without having to read my mind. This all seems a bit silly to me.... Yeah ... don't actually do that. Strangely enough I have heard of two guys asking their gfs to do that not long before breaking up with them. Something is brewing on his side of the aisle. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 He now claims that this is all a misunderstanding. He wants me to write down a list of rules to how he should conduct himself in regards to contact and meet ups with this friend. He wants me to spell it out in black and white so that he knows without having to read my mind. This all seems a bit silly to me.... Well... If we give him the benefit of the doubt that he's intensely dense and truly didn't see anything wrong with it, then yes, I would school him on relationship etiquette. Some people just don't "get it", no matter how obvious to the rest of us. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Nah, I won't make rules. It makes it sound like I am controlling and crazy when he has really violated a clear boundary. I am leaning towards just walking away. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 His suggestion of writing up rules was pure sarcasm, and his way of saying you're becoming too controlling. I don't know your entire backstory with him, of course, but just going by what I've read here, you are not controlling, but you do have a very valid concern. I don't care if they live 5 minutes apart, asking your best friend to dinner, even with a group, is inappropriate...especially if you'd already mentioned that you were uncomfortable with the situation. I think it sounds like you two are having some pretty serious trust and communication issues already, so if you don't really even feel like trying to work it out, then definitely walk away. And don't be surprised if you find out within a week or two that he tried to hit on your best friend in some way. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 He wrote me this message: "Now that I think about it, I understand you. You are right and I am wrong. It's just that I was making a decision really fast and I wasn't thinking. I also thought that we worked through your friend thing the last time we talked. I really thought that it was resolved and we have moved past it. I would like to build this relationship based on trust and respect between both of us. Can we please talk about it more in person?" Link to comment
DN Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Seems genuine to me - what do you think about it? Link to comment
NightLily Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 This is maybe about the best thing you could hear from him right now. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I told him that this relationship is becoming too stressful for me..that there are some boundaries that he should know not to cross...that I have known my friend for 7 years and none of our ex boyfriends was ever sending messages to one of us, let alone inviting us to private get togethers without the girlfriend present. That we spoke about this once and that should have been enough to clue him in. I am still leaning towards breaking up. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I now have 10 missed calls from him....I just don't feel like talking. He has hurt me pretty badly Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Umm... a little too much. Kinda shaky, but if nothing is going on then it's not really a lot you can do. But definitely borderline. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 I am still leaning towards breaking up. Please don't do it. He said he was wrong. Do you believe in forgiveness? I see this as a little bump in the road; not something to break up over. Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I can't be with someone that is secretly crushing on my best friend. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Would you be feeling this way if your friend was not cute? I would....It's just best friend/friend etiquette to not spend time with someone's bf/gf, especially when the bf/gf doesn't know or isn't being invited to the meetups. I understand the group meetups with the team, but all that extra isn't going to fly well with most. I read this thread to my co-work er and she had the same reaction as me "Uh no, this wouldn't sit well with me!" The boyfriend needs to stop inviting this BF friend to things...It makes for unnecessary conflicts and awkward situations. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 He wrote me this message: "Now that I think about it, I understand you. You are right and I am wrong. It's just that I was making a decision really fast and I wasn't thinking. I also thought that we worked through your friend thing the last time we talked. I really thought that it was resolved and we have moved past it. I would like to build this relationship based on trust and respect between both of us. Can we please talk about it more in person?" This is a very mature response....I would talk to him again and reiterate your boundaries and give him a chance to rectify this. If he is able to respect your wishes going forward, then this can possibly become water underneath the bridge. This is of course bearing the fact that he doesn't have a crush on your best friend. I understand not wanting to continue with someone who may be crushing on your bestie, but are you 100% sure he has a crush? Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 This is a very mature response....I would talk to him again and reiterate your boundaries and give him a chance to rectify this. If he is able to respect your wishes going forward, then this can possibly become water underneath the bridge. This is of course bearing the fact that he doesn't have a crush on your best friend. I understand not wanting to continue with someone who may be crushing on your bestie, but are you 100% sure he has a crush? That's a million dollar question. Of course, he says no. But the thing is, I have other friends and he doesn't nearly talk as much about them and would never think to invite them to things. He is just treating this girl differently for some reason. Even when two of us hang out, he would often encourage me to invite her to things with us. He has said million of times that he thinks she is beautiful and attractive (to me, not to her). On the other hand, he freely comments on appearances of others, male or female too. Why would his instinctive response be to invite her to dinner yesterday? Why would he even think of it? It just doesn't fly with me. I AM an insecure person. So you can see my dilemma - should I let him go now or perhaps it's truly innocent and I am over-reacting, throwing away a good relationship? It's just hard to know. Keep in mind, this the second time I have raised this issue. If he were to pull something like this again - he would be out, no doubt about that. I am just not sure if I should give him another chance... Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 Sigh, yet another message: "I love you my darling with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life the way I love you. I want to be with you forever. There is no reason for you to be jealous of your friend or anyone else. They are nothing compared to you. You are the one I want." Link to comment
dark angel9 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Share Posted July 6, 2011 I am not responding to anything....he is sending me love songs and leaving me teary voice messages. How I am what he has been looking for all his life. If he could have any woman in the world he would chose me (because to him I am better than the best). I am the light of his life blah blah blah Link to comment
diamond78 Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 dark angel, I read this other thread you had posted recently and I must say I do not like the comments he made about her: "my boyfriend has told me many times how he thinks she is cute, has a great personality, can have her pick of guys etc etc." And I also didn't like how your best friend said this about your boyfriend: "She has also told me that she thinks that my bf is hot and even that if we ever break up that she is going to go after him" I mean these statements from both of them would bother me. I honestly have never dated a guy who would openly talk about other females and make compliments such as this and so often. I just think common sense-wise that is something you probably wouldn't do, but I definitely would not stand for listening to my guy talk like that about a friend of mine or any woman for that matter. I understand your frustration here and I want to believe he is trying to do the right thing now, but is he really that clueless about this whole thing and his behavior towards this friend of yours?? They have created an uncomfortable situation for you and even though it may be 100% innocent, you will always wonder what is really behind it all. I do think at the very least you need to talk to him about this fairly quickly....Don't let this inbetween stage last for too long. Talk it out first and then decide if it's worth working through. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 That's a million dollar question. Of course, he says no. But the thing is, I have other friends and he doesn't nearly talk as much about them and would never think to invite them to things. He is just treating this girl differently for some reason. Even when two of us hang out, he would often encourage me to invite her to things with us. He has said million of times that he thinks she is beautiful and attractive (to me, not to her). On the other hand, he freely comments on appearances of others, male or female too. Why would his instinctive response be to invite her to dinner yesterday? Why would he even think of it? It just doesn't fly with me. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to fall back onto an old cliche' here...where there is smoke, there is fire. And there is definitely smoke. "I love you my darling with all my heart. I have never loved anyone else in my life the way I love you. I want to be with you forever. There is no reason for you to be jealous of your friend or anyone else. They are nothing compared to you. You are the one I want." Um...you guys have been dating for 5 months, and he wants to be with you forever? Nope. You're being schmoozed. Your gut is telling you to get out, and I agree with your gut...get out now, before you get cheated on. Link to comment
Firiel Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 Okay, now I think you are overreacting. Different people have different comfort levels... did you expect him to read your mind and know that he wasn't allowed to hang out with this girl without you, even in a group? It's not just a clear-cut, generally accepted boundary... I would be fine if, in a similar situation, my SO acted as your boyfriend has. I honestly wouldn't care at all. You do. That in itself isn't a problem, but the fact that you are punishing him for not having the same boundaries as you is. That being said, either break up with him or don't. You seem to be getting a lot of satisfaction from the way he is groveling right now, and, to be brutally honest, that's just immature. If he crossed an "unforgivable boundary" then call him and break up with him. If you want to talk it out, stop ignoring him. But don't make him "prove his love" by how many songs and teary voice mails he can leave you. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 6, 2011 Share Posted July 6, 2011 From the OP: She told him she's uncomfortable with the situation, and yet, it has escalated. That's not her overreacting, it's him not caring about her feelings...I suspect, because he has feelings for the best friend, though that's just my opinion. Link to comment
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