Best friend hanging out with my boyfriend without me

[Firiel]

She told him she's uncomfortable with the situation, and yet, it has escalated. That's not her overreacting, it's him not caring about her feelings...I suspect, because he has feelings for the best friend, though that's just my opinion.

 

Yes, she told him she was uncomfortable with the way he was talking her up, and I understand that. So he said he'd stop and he did. To me, hanging out in a group setting isn't even related to saying, "Your friend is totally awesome! We should spend more time with her!" I guess I've hung out with guys (especially in group settings) without their girlfriends so much that it seems like nothing to me (and guys that really enjoy spending time with me, at that...). I dunno, I just don't think it's pure, objective common sense to connect the request to not talk about a girl so much with not being allowed to hang out with her in a group setting...

[dark angel9]

If he really wants my best friend so much why doesn't he let me go now?

 

He has clear access to her through phone, FB and weekly basketball (all without me).

 

Surely, the longer he is with me, the harder it will be to talk her into dating him?

 

The whole situation is confusing.

[penelope13]

Ok. If you want to break up with him, just tell him so and put an end to this. If you want to have some time, equally tell him.

 

But the silent treatment/ignoring all of his contacts and trying to talk about the situation is silly, immature, and passive aggressive.

 

Personally I wouldn't be so worked up about the situation, but I am from a cultural background were friendships between the sexes, no matter how attractive one of them is, is not a big deal. It sounds totally plausible that you want to go out for dinner and rather do that in company than by yourself; if training has been cancelled it's more likely that some of your other team mates will be available. If it's a last minute thing, of course you would go with someone who is close by. If he didn't have plans with you that particular night, it would sound weird/unnatural to me to expect him not to do anything social that evening, because you can't participate due to the distance.

 

He didn't leave you in the dark about this, he told you in advance (yes you asked him, but don't you think he would have told you what he is doing for dinner voluntarily, if you hadn't asked him anyway?)- no hiding there. When your bff couldn't make it, they didn't cancel the dinner, but just went without her, i.e. it wasn't about hanging out with the bff in particular.

 

If you have a personal boundary that you don't want to date anyone who may be crushing at times on someone else, then you will have a hard time finding someone for a long term relationship. It's quite natural and likely that in long term relationships one or the other partner may secretly crush on someone. The important thing is how that person is handling the crush.

 

By the sound of it, it seems your bf wasn't very clear about what your particular boundaries are, but he is willing to find out so that in the future he won't violate them again. This is the best outcome you could possibly and realistically hope from this situation: he is admitting/acknowledging your feelings of hurt, he wants to move forward, he wants to make sure not to do the same mistake again.

 

This is what you would want in a serious partner: that they are willing to adjust their own behavior in order to make you happy/respect you. This is a very good basis to work towards a lasting relationship. It's highly unlikely to find someone who will always know how you feel/ what you expect him to do in every single situation. But if he is willing to learn and adjust - you have already one.

 

So be sure what you want for yourself, before you block your own chances to turn this around into something positive by insisting to play the 'I am hurt and I don't want to deal with you like an adult card'.

[Firiel]

Okay, so all of your previous threads are about whether or not you should be with this guy. And then I ran accross this one:

 

 

 

Maybe you are looking for reasons to dump him because you are just not that into him?

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's all off.

 

-He talked up your friend.

-You said it's obvious they are attracted to each other.

-He's created situations for them to be together in some way without you.

-You don't seem particularly attracted to him.

-He's buttering you up with overly flowery stuff after only 5 months.

 

I think your gut is just telling you he's not the right one.

[bulletproof]

I think this is ridiculous- it's all over a dinner? I think you would be a lot more unhappy if he disliked your friend, because that is a lousy situation to be in. Just be glad your bf and friend like each other and move on.

 

Just because you asked him to stop doing something doesn't mean it's a reasonable request. And he has tried to honor your request anyway by no longer saying nice things about your friend, and now is trying to honor your second request of avoiding outings with her. But you still cannot forgive him?

 

I agree with the poster who said perhaps you are just looking for reasons to leave this relationship, but you only want to leave as the wronged person.

[NightLily]

Is part of what is bothering you that you don't feel a natural chemistry between the two of you but you feel they have it?

[Ms Darcy]

Is part of what is bothering you that you don't feel a natural chemistry between the two of you but you feel they have it?

 

It would be interesting to see what he thinks about thee chemistry between them. He might agree with that assessment ... who knows.

[chelzee]

Im gonna be honest here and say if your gut is telling you something, its usually right. I read a lot of your posts and some of the other replies, it sounds to me like you are done with this and you have made up your mind. It's been 5 months and if he's making you feel uneasy and stressed - especially after you told him your feelings in the first place, then walk away with your head high because there's people who will respect you and your feelings later on down the road.

 

After reading what he said in the email, it sounds like now he's panicking because he doesn't want to lose you and he knows your serious this time...he sounds genuine and wants to speak in person about the whole thing but this is ultimately up to you. If your mind is made up, then go with your heart and gut and call it an experience.

[dark angel9]

Is part of what is bothering you that you don't feel a natural chemistry between the two of you but you feel they have it?

 

I do not feel that they particularly have chemistry or would even be a good match. Yes he likes her looks, I am not sure there is much else.

 

As for the other poster - he has not repeatedly created situations to be with her without me. This is the first time. She joined his team at her request because her own fell apart.

 

Anyway, I asked him for some time to think.

[carbon14]

I'm going to side with Bulletproof and say this has gotten a bit out of hand.... You live 45 mins away. It's a week night, not the weekend. Practice is cancelled, but the whole team's already thought of that time as scheduled, so they don't have any other plans. Contrary to what another poster said, having played on rec teams, you do go out together when games are cancelled. Teams aren't a job-you're there because you enjoy the sport and the camaraderie, not because you have to be. So it makes sense that even without a game, you'd still hang out with these people. Your boyfriend did not invite your friend alone to a romantic Italian restaurant; he invited her, his brother, another girl on the team (and possible others?), out to dinner at I'm guessing either a sports bar or some place lilke Applebees (ie. NOT romantic). They all live within 5 miles of each other and had the time free anyway, so it just makes sense. Your boyfriend didn't not invite you on purpose, it was probably more like "it's basketball night-I'm still hanging out with my basketball friends" and didn't think to include you since he doesn't associate you with the basketball team. And given your illness, asking you to drive at least 1.5 hrs round trip (assuming traffic is good) just for dinner on a work night seems more like an imposition than an invite. As far as them getting on so well together-what do they have in common? They both like/love you! So if they both share similar interests, sense of humor, values, etc... with you, then most likely they would be friends with each other ("if two things are equal to a third thing, then they are all equal to each other").

 

You said yourself that he compliments people of both sexes on their looks and like Bulletproof said, I'm sure you'd be far more upset if he had said "Ew-your best friend is fat and ugly-I can't stand to look at her!". The same goes for her compliments-no one wants to hear that their boyfriend is ugly, especially not from their best friend. And to use the full quote Diamond78 used: "She has also told me that she thinks that my bf is hot and even that if we ever break up that she is going to go after him (she was kinda joking but not really)." Not sure where the "not really" comes from-maybe your own insecurities?

 

And reading your other posts, it looks like you've been trying to get out of this relationship since April. Even from the start of this relationship, you say you never felt any spark or chemistry-just that he was a fantastic guy and a logical choice. And then you worry when he needs some time by himself, when he doesn't answer your text quickly enough, if he's having problems in bed-is it because you're not sexy enough, etc... In all fairness, in your threads it does seem like you're trying to work on these insecurities, but when combined with the fact that it seems like you're in this relationship because it's convenient, logical, and your family loves him, I don't know-doesn't sound like it'll work long term. Maybe you should dump him and take some time to work on yourself, conquer your insecurities, find that spark within yourself and then go find someone to share it with.

[dark angel9]

I talked to him for over an hour.

 

He offered to:

 

a) Have me watch every game and go out for drinks every week with the team

b) Kick this girl off the team (he is the captain)

c) Stop playing himself

 

He is basically willing to do whatever it takes for us to stay together. I rejected a, b and c because I feel it's unhealthy. I almost had this weird feeling that he may love me more than I love him.

 

He was teary and I feel that he is being sincere.

 

We agreed to stay together and both adjust our behavior somewhat. I truly believe now that it was a silly oversight on his part and that he had no malicious intent.

[Firiel]

I talked to him for over an hour.

 

He offered to:

 

a) Have me watch every game and go out for drinks every week with the team

b) Kick this girl off the team (he is the captain)

c) Stop playing himself

 

He is basically willing to do whatever it takes for us to stay together. I rejected a, b and c because I feel it's unhealthy. I almost had this weird feeling that he may love me more than I love him.

 

He was teary and I feel that he is being sincere.

 

We agreed to stay together and both adjust our behavior somewhat. I truly believe now that it was a silly oversight on his part and that he had no malicious intent.

 

So first he wants to get with this other girl so much that you can't understand why he's trying to save your relationship and now he loves you more than you love him? You are searching for ways to get out of this relationship. First it's missed texts and then sexual performance. First it's that he doesn't love you enough that is a concern, then the concern is that he loves you too much. Do this guy a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him...

[DN]

So first he wants to get with this other girl so much that you can't understand why he's trying to save your relationship and now he loves you more than you love him? You are searching for ways to get out of this relationship. First it's missed texts and then sexual performance. First it's that he doesn't love you enough that is a concern, then the concern is that he loves you too much. Do this guy a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him...

I agree with Firiel - I don't think you are treating him well at all and have to wonder why that is.

[chelzee]

So first he wants to get with this other girl so much that you can't understand why he's trying to save your relationship and now he loves you more than you love him? You are searching for ways to get out of this relationship. First it's missed texts and then sexual performance. First it's that he doesn't love you enough that is a concern, then the concern is that he loves you too much. Do this guy a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him...

 

I also agree with this

[MakeItCount]

So first he wants to get with this other girl so much that you can't understand why he's trying to save your relationship and now he loves you more than you love him? You are searching for ways to get out of this relationship. First it's missed texts and then sexual performance. First it's that he doesn't love you enough that is a concern, then the concern is that he loves you too much. Do this guy a favor and break up with him so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him...

 

nail on the head. You're the one in the wrong here IMO, you're making this guy jump through hoops for your own enjoyment. You've said numerous times you just don't feel it, and you're grasping at straws so you can break up with him without making yourself look like the bad guy.

 

Perhaps it's time to face the truth and let this guy go, so he can stop being a dancing monkey and just serve as an ego boost for you.

[dark angel9]

I never said it's the problem that he loves me more, it was just an observation and it's possibly untrue.

 

* * * I had 9 pages of people telling me that I am right and he wants to get it on with my friend behind my back and now I am making him jump through hoops? This place is ridiculous.

[NightLily]

Well, more details have come to light and that can make a big difference. To me it doesn't look like either party was really in the wrong here. Your boyfriend seems to feel it was a misunderstanding and I would take it that way as well.

[Ariel85]

I talked to him for over an hour.

 

He offered to:

 

a) Have me watch every game and go out for drinks every week with the team

b) Kick this girl off the team (he is the captain)

c) Stop playing himself

 

He is basically willing to do whatever it takes for us to stay together. I rejected a, b and c because I feel it's unhealthy. I almost had this weird feeling that he may love me more than I love him.

 

He was teary and I feel that he is being sincere.

 

We agreed to stay together and both adjust our behavior somewhat. I truly believe now that it was a silly oversight on his part and that he had no malicious intent.

 

Excellent! I think he was truly contrite, and probably really clueless that what he was doing was wrong to begin with. But, if he's willing to do any of that to keep you, then he's being honest and is a good guy.