dumpee Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hi, I found out yesterday that my dad has a tumour on one of his lungs and considering his age (84) things aren’t looking good for him. I’ve posted before about my break up with my ex but to quickly re-cap, together 10 years, she left me 8 months ago for someone else and married him 3 months ago. She got on well with my parents as I did with hers and I know she cares about them. I'm not sure though if I should tell her. By a cruel twist of fate, her mum was in hospital a couple of months ago to have a tumour removed although initially my ex didn’t tell me. I found out via a third party and then directly by her mum. My ex though did contact me a couple of weeks later to tell me her mum had started chemotherapy. My dilemma is that I have been trying to maintain NC and the last contact I had with her was about 4 weeks ago (she initiated it). Is it wrong/selfish of me not to tell her about my dad just so I can remain in NC and continue my healing process? I can’t help thinking though that it seems, in the circumstances, petty not to tell her and besides, would I not be the better person for telling her afterall, she didn‘t initially tell me about her mum? I'm certainly not looking for or wanting her sympathy but then again I don't want to make her feel guilty either. Any advice/opinions would be much appreciated. Cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tresqua Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I read the title of this thread, and thought to myself, this poster was definitely the dumpee, not the dumper, and is looking for an excuse to break contact. I was right. She dumped you and married someone else.You too are not in each other's lifes anymore. It's none of her business and I doubt she'd even care all that much. If a meteor was rocketing towards her house and you were the only one who knew and had the time to warn her, I'd suggest it's none of your concern. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny_mcs Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 So sorry about your dad. After ten years together, I'm sure you have mutual friends. Let one of them tell her. I don't think you need that added stress right now. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 So sorry about your dad. After ten years together, I'm sure you have mutual friends. Let one of them tell her. I don't think you need that added stress right now. Hang in there. I agree with this. There is no need to make things more painful, although I can see why you want a bit of comfort from her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 So sorry about your dad. After ten years together, I'm sure you have mutual friends. Let one of them tell her. I don't think you need that added stress right now. Hang in there. Yes, I agree with Jenny. Your focal point should be your dad. Let mutual friends handle the details. You need to be there for your dad during this trying time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I think it should depend on what your father would like. If he was very fond of her, and if he really, really would like to see her, then I would contact her. Probably though, your father will value the time to be spent more with you. I know that my own mum is very angry about my ex, and she wouldn't want him around. I doubt your father would want anything which he felt would hurt you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBroken Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I read the title of this thread, and thought to myself, this poster was definitely the dumpee, not the dumper, and is looking for an excuse to break contact. I was right. Same here - I saw the title and already had my "you are grasping at straws" comment ready to go. So sorry about your dad. After ten years together, I'm sure you have mutual friends. Let one of them tell her. I don't think you need that added stress right now. Hang in there. I agree with this advice. Sorry to hear about your father Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
He2Him Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I only read the title: Family Member is Ill - Should I Tel My Ex? ...and the answer was obvious: NO. Hope your dad gets better. fingers crossed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatAstrophy1607308539 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Wow, there are very kind people on ENA. OP - so sorry about your dad. I agree with the other posters, you don't need to contact her. When she finds out [i'm almost certain she will] and contacts you, then you can break NC to say thanks. Until then, look after your dad and yourself. She's with someone else now. Best wishes to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 If he is up to it, ask your Father. If he wants her to know, either he or you can tell her. If not, don't. I will say if she is married it is most likely better you leave this one alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I only read the title: Family Member is Ill - Should I Tel My Ex? ...and the answer was obvious: NO. Hope your dad gets better. fingers crossed. How is that answer obvious? Just because a romantic relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean we need to treat former partners as if they weren't human. If she cared about his parents and has a decade of history with them, then I see nothing wrong with giving her the news. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Would you want your wife providing comfort to her ex-bf and his family? I'm sure not. Agree with the others - no need to tell her. Hope Dad finds some peace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumpee Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hi, Many thanks for all your replies. Perhaps I didn't come accross too well in my initial posting. I really don't want to contact my ex unless it is absolutely necessary and I'm certainly not looking at my dad's illness as an excuse to contact her as I'm doing fine without the contact. During the past 8 months 90% of all contact has been initiated by her. She still sends my folks Christmas/Birthday cards! I was just thinking that life is too short to be petty and keep things from people however, I understand and appreciate where you are all coming from afterall, I asked for opinions and that's exactly what I got! Anyway, before signing back on to ENA I checked my emails and there was actually one from my ex's mum (her first since April) giving me an update on how she is doing with her chemotherapy and asking how I am getting on and also my folks. Perhaps this was 'divine intivention' and I should use this opportunity to mention my dad to her and not my ex directly. If I do it will definitely get back to my ex who will then contact me and then the cycle of contact starts again which it would have done anyway I guess if I had told her directly but I suppose it solves my dilemma of breaking NC with her. Geez, life is complicated at times! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerkBrokeMe Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Anyway, before signing back on to ENA I checked my emails and there was actually one from my ex's mum (her first since April) giving me an update on how she is doing with her chemotherapy and asking how I am getting on and also my folks. Perhaps this was 'divine intivention' and I should use this opportunity to mention my dad to her and not my ex directly. If I do it will definitely get back to my ex who will then contact me and then the cycle of contact starts again which it would have done anyway I guess if I had told her directly but I suppose it solves my dilemma of breaking NC with her. This is the route you should take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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