Strip Clubs

[Emilia]

Hi all-

 

So I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. All of our relationship I have told him I was against the idea of strip clubs. He respected that until he went into the AF and we became long distance. I would ask him what he did the previous night and instead of telling me he went to the strip club he would say "a bar" or something else.

 

I caught him once from a mutual friend and he promised to never go again. But after that he went once a week with his friends. Now, I truly believe part of the reason he went was to drink and socialize with all of his friends because his friends were like his brothers, he had no family where he was stationed.

 

Im against strip clubs for different reasons, one being that I only think he should be seeing me naked, I think it's disrespectful in our relationship, I think it's a place of sin and it makes me sick to my stomach a girl dancing topless infront of him. Am I insecure as well? Yes, but there is other reasons to it as well.

 

It has been 1 year since he has been to one. He really has changed and does not go anymore but am I wrong to keep hold of this? Sometimes when we fight I bring it up and he hasn't even gone. Should I have moved on? What are your feelings?

[Emilia]

And I do want to add, is that he doesn't see why I was upset in the first place he went. No matter how much I try to tell him why, and how it hurt he does not see my point and thinks there are nothing wrong with them.

[Jd1983]

If you're against it, and he promised not to go and kept up to his words, then it's probably best that you let it go.

 

Think of it this way -

He's stopped going for you, and you're still giving him hell about it.

He's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

 

There comes a time you have to just let go, and let bygones be bygones. If you've forgiven him, then don't constantly bring it up. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before he goes again.

[Ms Darcy]

To keep holding on to it? Yes, it is up to you to let it go now.

[InkkedBree]

He stopped going, and that's what you wanted. He respected your feelings and didn't go anymore. I think this calls for letting go of it. I know we all as human beings have a tendency to hold on to the past, especially the negative parts, but we have to realize of the present and how it is affecting the now. And we can't live in the past if we're living in the present. He's in the now. You're in the now. You should move on and forget it, don't hold on to it, don't bring it up, don't have it way back in your mind or anything. The incident should be gone.

[hexaemeron]

This really speaks to your other post about confidence. I mean, are you going to ban him from seeing movies with full or partial nudity? Television shows? Magazines? Should he not pick up your cosmo because someone hot is on the cover? Should he not go to the store without you because he might find a cute girl also buying peas? Should you never let him out of the house because he could meet someone else?

 

See what I mean? You can't control fate. If he's going to cheat on you, nothing you try to strongarm or manipulate or control will make one difference. Cheating is a choice and nothing more. So, you're probably better off being a confident, intelligent capable young woman who trusts someone who is trustworthy. If he's not trustworthy, then don't trust him.

 

And don't tell me lying about the strip clubs means he's not trustworthy. He lied to protect your feelings.

[Moontiger]

To put it bluntly I think it wrong of you to bring this up in fights a year after it happened. That is not constructive for a relationship.

 

Just to state my personal feelings, I take the, "Look don't touch" attitude. Men look at porn, I dont see strip clubs as any different than that. The main issue I see here is honest and trust. He lied to you, you found out, the two of you worked it out, but you have yet to let this go.

 

Two of my friend dated a while back. S and E. S had a lot of trust issues and was constantly accusing E of different things. One day E told me, "If she is going to keep accusing me of all these things I might as well just go and do them." E broke up with S shortly after that.

 

Move on or you could cause a huge amount of damage to your relationship.

[Emilia]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I am going to let it go. It is just before I DID let it go and it happened a few times after he told me he wouldn't go. That's why it is so difficult for me. He would never cheat on me, and I do trust him in that but I have so much anger from this still mainly because he does not see why I am upset. He told me the only way that he could respect my decision is if i went with him once to see what it was like...and if I didn't like it he would never bring it up again. I don't have to go to know what one is like, I know there are naked girls who get paid for guys to touch their breasts and dance and shake their a__ infront of them. Not my idea of respect I guess....

[hexaemeron]

Now, I'm curious. What -is- your idea of respect?

[Moontiger]

Honestly, his request seems very reasonable. If you want him to respect your views of strip clubs then why are you not respecting his?

[InkkedBree]

but I have so much anger from this still mainly because he does not see why I am upset.

 

Sometimes in a relationship, each person's views does not match another. To this, all one has to do is to reach a compromise and to agree to disagree. He would probably not understand your point of view because he has his, and you would probably not understand his point of view just the same.

[OptomisticGirl]

Actually your perception on them IS wrong, so yes, I do think you should go. Normally the men are not allowed to touch the stripper - some places there ARE back rooms for more 'private' time but that's between your man and his consciouse. He isn't just randomly grouping a stripper - that can quickly get you kicked out of a club.

 

I don't have a problem with strip clubs, I have a problem with lap dances. MY fiance can go to a strip club all he wants, drink, look at the girls, whatever, but we both agree getting a lap dance is crossing a line for the both of us. To me, I'm the only woman who should be grinding on him like that. I have no problem with him looking at half naked girls.

 

You can either a) accept he likes them and tyr to understand why he liesk them or b) hold on to it and make his life miserable.

[Emilia]

Optimisticgirl, I have went to one of his frequented strip clubs about 3 weeks ago. The guys were not allowed to touch anything but the breasts. Actually the stripper was always the one to grab the guys hand and run them over her breasts. The strippers straddled the ground and put ther A__s about 3 feet away from a paying client. It wasn't a trashy establishment, surprisngly to me it was very nice too expensive though.

 

But I think this debate is more about respecting your SO and not doing something that would hurt them. For me, seeing a naked guy stripper would be fun but I wouldn't want to fantasize about sleeping with him. It just makes me sick to my stomach that my bf who thinks im beautiful would need to go out and watch another hot girl without a bra on. I should be enough for him

[rocio]

Maybe you're not compatible with this guy then. Not all men visit strippers.

 

How do you feel about porn though? You'll have a harder time finding a boyfriend who never watches porn.

[OptomisticGirl]

Optimisticgirl, I have went to one of his frequented strip clubs about 3 weeks ago. The guys were not allowed to touch anything but the breasts. Actually the stripper was always the one to grab the guys hand and run them over her breasts. The strippers straddled the ground and put ther A__s about 3 feet away from a paying client. It wasn't a trashy establishment, surprisngly to me it was very nice too expensive though.

 

But I think this debate is more about respecting your SO and not doing something that would hurt them. For me, seeing a naked guy stripper would be fun but I wouldn't want to fantasize about sleeping with him. It just makes me sick to my stomach that my bf who thinks im beautiful would need to go out and watch another hot girl without a bra on. I should be enough for him

 

Then it's not your bf grabbing their boobs - it's the stripps grabbing his hand and putting it ON their boobs. Big difference to him just grouping a stripper.

 

Yes, you should not do something that hurts your SO. However, your also in a relationship and with that comes compromise and the fact it isn't always about getting your way, especially something like this. You don't like strippers, he does so honestly you guys are compatible as rocio said. There is nothing wrong with him liking them but you are making it out to be he is a horrible guy because it's something he likes to do. How would you feel if he tried to stop you from doing something you liked?

 

Have you actually asked your bf if he fantasizes about these women?

[Huntress0527]

Yes, you need to move on. This conflict goes hand in hand with your insecurity/self esteem issues you're having. You're going to damage this relationship if you keep projecting this attitude onto him. Remember the relationship isn't all about me, myself, and I. Maybe have a heart to heart and really try to understand why he enjoys going.

[hexaemeron]

If he's in the military, this is the sort of thing he's going to do with his squad/battalion on off-time. Should he not go and just go to the gym or stare longingly at a picture of you? I mean, there has to be some compromise here.

[rocio]

There doesn't have to be compromise. If I felt the way the OP does, I would break up with the guy. There's always that option.

 

I don't think he's going to stop going altogether. He's just going to lie about it. Additionally, it's not so much that he went to the strip clubs, as the fact that he sees nothing wrong with it and can't understand why she does. That isn't going to be resolved and it clearly isn't okay with her.

 

There are worse things than being single - like this.

[Doc Blaze]

i understand the strip club thing but there are deeper issues that need to be addressed with in yourself.

[happyhippo]

There doesn't have to be compromise.

 

Completely agree. Your partner has known from the beginning of your relationship that this was not something you were OK with, therefore he consciously disrespected your standards and feelings by going and doing it anyway AND lying about it. That's deceit - pure and simple - does not matter what it was over.

 

I find it unbelievable that so many people here are actually trying to make you feel bad for setting personal boundaries - I don't know what it is about a lot of Americans, but it seems like 'freedom to do what you want' is of paramount importance in a relationship. What they seem to overlook is that everybody has the right to set standards as to how they want to be treated - it doesn't matter whether or not others agree with those standards or see it as a 'small issue'. They would much rather force their own standards upon you and tell you that you're WRONG for feeling differently and CONTROLLING and INSECURE for being pissed that your man is out doing something you're not comfortable with than be objective and offer you advice on how to deal with your situation. They also seem to have overlooked the fact that your man didn't care enough about how you feel to stop himself from doing something that would hurt you, and haven't considered the fact that he WANTED to do something that he knew would upset you.

 

How far does the American 'freedom above all' attitude stretch? Don't tell your partner it's not OK to sleep with other people? Just bizarre.

 

As another has said though, it doesn't seem as if he's going to stop doing this. Personally, I'm not sure I could remain in a relationship with someone who was so deceitful, regardless of the issue it was over. Whether or not you can and possibly put up with the fact that this behaviour will not stop, is down to you.

[rocio]

Well, to be fair, she is extremely controlling and insecure. If she sees a pretty woman out in public, she is secretly glad her boyfriend isn't with her for fear that he would see a pretty woman other than her. And she is eaten alive by the idea of him looking at Maxim magazines.

 

Some people just aren't cut out for relationships. Which is fine - there is more to life.

[abitbroken]

I guess i am kind of tired of the idea that someone is against strip clubs in their relationship and then posters try to tell them their guy can't help it - that he's a man. Well, my boyfriend has never set a foot inside one and he also declines invites to parties where strippers or strip club hopping are the order of the day. he's fully a man, too, just as much as the ones who "look". And even before we met that s the way he was. I think that if strip clubs are not allowed in the relationship, that it is up to your guy to invite the other guys for drinks at a different bar, or even go to a restaurant or ice cream place. There are plenty of places guys can hang out that have nothing to do with naked women. It is a totally different situation where a girl meets a guy who goes to strip clubs every week and expects him to change - then that is the case he's not the guy for her and she moves on - but if that was not in the relationship, then it doesn't have to be. It also shows that he easily caves to peer pressure - or he is actively out to deceive her because 'she'll never know"

[hexaemeron]

You know what's wrong with that thinking? "It makes me uncomfortable that you eat/breathe/go outside/do anything remotely normal. Just because someone feels something, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NECESSARILY RIGHT. If you look at her other posts, she can't even handle her bf watching a movie because of the women in them.

 

This is her issue, not his. And she's the only one who can fix it.

[happyhippo]

I guess i am kind of tired of the idea that someone is against strip clubs in their relationship and then posters try to tell them their guy can't help it - that he's a man. Well, my boyfriend has never set a foot inside one and he also declines invites to parties where strippers or strip club hopping are the order of the day. he's fully a man, too, just as much as the ones who "look". And even before we met that s the way he was.

 

My boyfriend was saying the same thing the other day. I think society puts great pressure on men to behave like pigs, lambasting the ones who do not even though they're the ones who generally have healthier relationships.

[happyhippo]

"It makes me uncomfortable that you eat/breathe/go outside/do anything remotely normal. Just because someone feels something, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NECESSARILY RIGHT.

 

Absolutely. Every time. I agree. The fact that you think strip clubs is 'normal' and a basic human need, the same as eating and breathing or 'going outside' is something that I feel, isn't right. Though you feel it. Seriously, I'm not disagreeing with you. I think in a lot of circumstances your statement is perfectly valid, but you're attempting to apply it to a situation where there is no real right or wrong - it depends on one's opinion. Correct me if I'm wrong of course, but you feel it's right and normal to visit strip clubs. I think your feelings are wrong. However, it's not my right to push that onto you, just as it's not within your rights to push that onto the OP.

 

If you look at her other posts, she can't even handle her bf watching a movie because of the women in them.

 

This I did not note, but my post strictly addresses her strip club issue. In any case, you're looking at it from an extremely black-and-white angle. Just because she has self-esteem issues does not mean her issue with strip clubs is unjustified or unreasonable. It is not abnormal either. Perhaps it is more commonplace in America for men to enjoy strip clubs and pornography, but here in the UK (I know it says I live in Honolulu haha, I do not) it is not considered a normal male ritual. In fact, it's generally left to the degenerate, desperate singles. The majority of married men or men in relationships would not set foot in a strip club and it's not even common for a single man to visit one. I heard somewhere that the pornography viewing in America is something like 50% of men as well, whereas here it's not even 20%.

 

My partner has never set foot in a strip club - most British men haven't and I'm betting there are plenty of Americans who haven't either, so please don't try to sell me 'it's a normal guy thing'. It's bull, and the fact remains that he betrayed her trust and lied to her, whether or not it is in your opinion that she was unreasonable in regards to this matter.

 

If what you're saying is true (and I assume it is, I just can't be bothered to check) then yes, she has some self-esteem issues and the whole 'women in movies' thing IS unreasonable and she would probably do well to see a therapist. Taking issue with strip clubs however, is not.