Back Under the Same Roof - Now The Hard Work Starts

[smilieman]

My Wife walked away and moved out almost 3 weeks ago, without warning. Yesterday, she decided to come back. I did a 180 and stepped back after advice received here. We spoke briefly yesterday. I told her how I can't continue putting in to the relationship until she finds out why she went. I told her I was working on me, I had lost my life balance because of my work issues I have had and told her that I didn't want it to go back to the way it was, because there were problems. If there wasn't she wouldn't have gone. I done all this using advice from people here.

 

I woke up this morning feeling worried and gutted. I remembered what she wrote in her e-mail just last week. She said that she knew how she felt and she knew that her feeling wouldn't change. She told me that she felt bad, but this wasn't a reason to continue our relationship. I just can't get this out of my head.

 

Did she say this and mean it? Did she say this and mean it at the time, but decided that now she didn't? Were her feeling everywhere and she didn't even know what she wanted? What? This is really, really tough. It's tough emotionally and it's tough just waiting. Waiting for her to discuss stuff. Waiting for when things are going to look promising. Waiting for my feeling to go back the way they were. Will they ever, or have they been damaged far too much? Time will tell.

 

I shall live for today. Do my own stuff & maybe suggest going out for a walk, just for a walks purpose - nothing more. I shall leave it there though. See what happens.

[dramallama]

I think it's natural to wait for someone to come back, so just take things day by day. If she does come back, tell her that it's only under the condition that you both attend long-term counselling sessions together.

[nattpanter]

Buddy, yes go for a walk with her first...try and do something light-hearted...not the least for your own sake. I think you need to have a ballance between two things in this type of situation. 1.Create something positive where you connect and just be. 2.Talk. Sounds easy. Make shure you ask her open questions, let her come up with the reason why she left/why she is back...also remember as you said,she might not know the full picture herself, so keep that in mind.

 

Make shure you take care of yourself to! I think it`s probably the point that will make this a success or a fiasco... I don`t know if you find it empowering, but you are doing this because you want to, or you aren`t because you don`t want to. If you choose to give this a try I suggest you lock the "this is hard and painfull-door" and try focusing your thoughts on constructive things. Based on what you have written so far I believe you have all the power to control this situation and get the result you deeply want... Good luck! Look forward to the updates

[DN]

What did she say when she came back? Did she give a reason?

[smilieman]

What did she say when she came back? Did she give a reason?

Yep! Her reason was that she had been thinking that she didn't really try at things and gave up far too easy.

[smilieman]

If you choose to give this a try I suggest you lock the "this is hard and painfull-door" and try focusing your thoughts on constructive things.

Hey, why didn't I think of that?! Possibly too close to it I suppose. I intend to keep things light-hearted and just enjoy things. I think that she'll open up in time when she feels more comfortable. Focus on me - definitely! Something I haven't done for a while now I must admit.

 

Power? Oh, I don't know about that, but if Tony Robbins can have "Personal Power" then why can't I?

[lavenderdove]

Marriages are marathons, not sprints. Perhaps your wife has realized this, that she made a hasty decision to leave based on some discomfort of the moment, or because she was just generally unhappy/bored etc. and it had nothing to do with you per se, but a lot of things.

 

It's not like marriage is perfect one moment, then totally ruined the next, though some people make that mistake thinking that. It takes real maturity to work on issues rather than run, and there WILL be issues in every marriage no matter how suited a couple is for each other.

 

So maybe this is a good thing She might have realized your value and the marriage's value while she was gone, and realized she was too hasty. People will do this kind of thing when under serious pressure, whether that pressure if from work, the marriage, or a host of other things combined.

 

So now you can get down to serious negotiation with her. Each of you should sit down and write a list of what you think ALL the problems are in your lives, then come up with a plan to address them, whether they are problems in the relationship, or other problems in life (as in, does she hate her job and need a new one? is she stressed out from taking care of kids and needs help around the house? have you fallen into a pattern of unproductive bickering that needs to stop? does one of you drink/eat/smoke too much?)

 

Your issues will be individual to you as people and you as a couple, but you need to clearly identify them and then sit down and start working on solutions to alleviate the tension and pressure these problems generate in your life by solving them. If you can't negotiate on your own, you should call a marriage counselor to help guide you.

 

There is no point wasting a lot of time and drama on 'You left me. How awful you are and i am hurt etc etc.' Of course that is true and you have a right to feel that way, but nurturing those feelings when she has admitted she was wrong and wants to come back and work on things is counterproductive to solving your problem. Focus on ISSUES that you two can work together on and solve rather than wigging out again and again over the fact that she left for 3 weeks. That event could actually be a good turning point in your marriage, where she realizes that leaving is not the answer to any discontentment she feels, and that now is the time to work on your problems rather than run away.

 

Also, don't let pride factor too much into this. The way you're talking, it's like you thought you have this perfect thing and now it is all ruined, when the reality is all marriages need work and she freaked out and left for a short while, but 3 weeks is no more than taking a vacation by herself to decompress. She obviously used the time to decide you were worth fighting for, so focus on that and get down to business addressing your problems and recognizing that marriages have good and bad spells, and you will cycle thru good times and bad rather than expecting it to be perfect beginning to end because life doesn't work that way.

[DN]

Yep! Her reason was that she had been thinking that she didn't really try at things and gave up far too easy.

Then perhaps if you adopt the same attitude you could make a go of it.

[smilieman]

Thanks for your comments all. They are certainly getting my neurons working overtime here!

 

Lavenderdove - There is no drama anymore and I do agree that a 3 weeks break is just like a vacation. The things that got me most is that she said that she knew how she felt and she knew that she wouldn't change her mind. She also said that she felt bad and that was not the basis to continue a relationship. That is why I was devastated. I was convinced that that was it - end of.

 

Don't worry, I'm not intending to keep it going by the "you hurt me, this is how I feel" route. It's pointless at this stage and now we need to build on us. This is the hard part at the moment as it's always me that brings up the conversation and always me that tries to find resolutions. What I don't want to do is to appear to keep on, by suggesting that we need to sit down and talk, discuss the problems and what we can do to resolve the issues. I've left this for her to raise when she feels comfortable to do so.

 

As far as the marriage counsellor is concerned - done that! She had an appointment (on her own) last week and failed to show. But yesterday she was asking questions about this and I told her that if she feels comfortable to do this, then I think it was a good decision. However, I will again leave it with her as I do not want to come accross pushy, as this has the adverse effect.

 

The problem is that she get's closed off. She even said today that she felt "inside herself" and I too feel the same, to an extent. Communication is not flowing - at all. I feel cautious, that's all, and rather than pushing her down one route that I think is the best way, she needs to make her mind up about how she wants to deal with it. Then perhaps we can talk through options.

 

Seriously? I don't know how to approach this yet. I will leave it a couple more days to see if she mentions stuff, then maybe I'll give her a little nudge - somehow. I know that relationships have their ups and downs, we have been together 9 years already, but I was shocked that she wanted to end things, when I didn't know why. She didn't want to work through stuff then - she just decided that was it - period.

 

DN - I agree with you on this. Wholeheartedly. I do want to work on this relationship. Perhaps I just need for both of us to have a few days back in the same place and get used to each other being around again, before talking through stuff? I really don't know, just a thought.

 

She's gone to see friends and her sister now. Perhaps she needs to talk with them to figure stuff out. I'm confident both us of will get to a point where we can talk. Really talk.

 

Cheers guys,

~ S

[DN]

Don't leave things too long or attitudes may harden and resentments set in.

[nattpanter]

Hey, why didn't I think of that?! Possibly too close to it I suppose. I intend to keep things light-hearted and just enjoy things. I think that she'll open up in time when she feels more comfortable. Focus on me - definitely! Something I haven't done for a while now I must admit.

 

Power? Oh, I don't know about that, but if Tony Robbins can have "Personal Power" then why can't I?

 

Tony Robbins "Awakening The Giant Within" shaped my life So yes, if you´re having trouble focusing on the positives read TR!

[smilieman]

Don't leave things too long or attitudes may harden and resentments set in.

What I can't work out though is, is it my responsibility to start these conversations when I have told her that i will leave it with her, her responsibility seeing as I have passed it over to her, or, both of our responsibilities?

 

I really don't want to be the one to *always* starts the conversation about this stuff. Although, it does need addressing for sure. It's such a tender line for me and I'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. Perhaps I'll wait for tomorrow and if she doesn't say anything, then perhaps I will nudge it a bit - somehow the day after, without coming accross as the "fixer" - again!

[nattpanter]

It`s up to her finding the answers yes, but you can still ask them! Instead of asking "why did you leave and come back" perhaps you should ask "what would you want for the future?" It`s basically the same questiion...

 

So did you take her for a walk?

[smilieman]

Good idea nattpanter. This would also come accross as positive and see me wanting to work to go forward. Why is my mind so blank today? I love her loads, but I can't get the feelings today... I'm in an emotional funk!

[DN]

What I can't work out though is, is it my responsibility to start these conversations when I have told her that i will leave it with her, her responsibility seeing as I have passed it over to her, or, both of our responsibilities?

 

I really don't want to be the one to *always* starts the conversation about this stuff. Although, it does need addressing for sure. It's such a tender line for me and I'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. Perhaps I'll wait for tomorrow and if she doesn't say anything, then perhaps I will nudge it a bit - somehow the day after, without coming accross as the "fixer" - again!

This is a joint responsibility.

 

I get that she was the one who left - but if you put the burden of putting this right onto her then it won't serve you. The best plan is for both of you to talk this through, find out what both of you want from each other, if you can give it and negotiate the rest. That requires communication and cooperation, not trying to work out who is responsbile for what. It's a joint responsibility.

[smilieman]

Ok. I've explained all this wrong!

 

I know it's joint responsibility to fix things. But, not wanting to come accross as pushy, I left her the responsibility of TALKING - starting the conversation. We had already had a little chat (15 mins), she told me why she came back and I told her how I felt, what I thought about while she was away and how she needs to work on stuff - why she left. Then, conversation stopped.

 

So, rather than me coming accross as pushy and starting the conversation again, and again, and again, I told her that she could start it when she feels ready. But, I was hoping that it would be sooner (I'm impatient!). So, I wondered whether to start the conversation on "how do we fix stuff", or wait a bit longer for her to start it.

 

That's it! Responsibility to start the conversation - not fix the relationship. Hope that's clearer - it's really hard to explain in just words....

[sunnyhappydays]

Dude, this is your marriage. Forget "starting the conversation" and have it. I agree with Lavender Dove. Sit down and work out a plan to save your marriage.

 

Why did she leave? I mean what are the reasons that she gave? What are the problems in your marriage? How do you guys intend to fix them? When is your joint counseling?

[smilieman]

Yep! I think we need to do it too! Perhaps I shouldn't take the back seat and get proactive.

 

I've just mentioned to her that I would like to fix things, if she wants to. She said "yes" and went to bed (she was going to bed anyway!). So with this in mind, it lays the foundation for tomorrow. We will have the chat, I'm just concerned that I will be seen as pushing it. Perhaps it needs pushing though.

 

I think too much. Cheers for the Kick!

[Janeiac]

I saw a piece of advice on link removed (and I reccommend all his pages on relationship rescue) that really stuck with me: schedule a time, and a time limit to have serious talk. Then go have some fun. If things are really sticky you might start with 10 or 15 minute intervals. These things are scary and exhausting; the time limit means you/she doesn't have to think about being stuck in the horror endlessly. If things are REALLY sticky you might keep the time limit to yourself. Try 8 minutes, then 12, then 15 over a few days or weeks. Then try asking her to agree on one or two things to go over.

The point is she may come to see having "the talk" isn't endless, and horrible. Follow up with, thanks for sharing, it means a lot, how about a backrub? Or ice cream? (or whatever.)

What do you think?

[smilieman]

Forum Member LostandHurt advised that I read the [link removed[/i] website/blog and has given me some great advice. Today I found something in the blog that clicked, it was about the link removed, there is also a quick link removed discussing this technique. This resonated with me and my situation and I have been doing exactly this as recommended by Lost.

 

I have stopped the chase. I am not initiating conversations about us, I am doing my own thing and I'm not saying "I love you", even though I promised to do this everyday. My wife responded with "I know you do", or nothing when I told her that I loved her. Now I know why, and what she may be thinking when I do say this.

 

Apparently, it's a long road...weeks or months, not days. But with continued effort changes will start to happen.

 

In my case my wife still hasn't started conversations about us but.

 

• She's putting 'x' in her texts, when she stopped doing this previously.
  
• She holds my hand again when we go out for a walk. It feels weird now though. We've always held hands, but it came to a stop.
  
• She now comes to give me a kiss when she goes out and before bed time. This previously stopped. It's only a peck, but it's a start.
  
• She comes to me in the house where I am. She sat in the bathroom today while I was in the bath to have a chat.
  
• She mentioned about going out together tomorrow, somewhere.
  

It's all positive and it's all progress.

 

Baby steps.....

[lostandhurt]

It is very important for a "fixer" to fight his/her instincts during this time.

 

You are right that this will take a very long time to rebuild and even make it better than it ever was before. It took some time to get here and it will take time to get back to a good place.

There is no rush to fix this so don't worry about wasting time or letting things go slowly. You have plenty on your plate just with you and she has a lot to think about as well. Allowing fear to control this situation is very bad. Remember how well it worked when you were fearful she was gone forever and you begged and pleaded? You are doing just fine so keep it up. Keep your expectations in check, don't get all butt hurt if she doesn't respond a certain way and stay within yourself and what you can handle and do.

 

She is doing what she is capable of right now and it will build over time. The fact that you have stopped the I Love You's and all the rest doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means you respect her position and won't push your feelings on her. What most don't realize about a spouse that has walked away suddenly is that they are confused about what they feel and so they don't know what to do. They know they are not happy and their mate seems to be the most obvious reason so they want to get away from them even though they may not know why. If you push this or keep trying to fix it she will erect a wall to keep you and all your questions out but if you allow her to find her own way she will be receptive to new ideas and be open and honest. Look at it this way, You did a terrible hurtful thing and you feel really bad about it but you are around the person you hurt all the time and they constantly ask you "why?' did you hurt me, why did you leave, why" why?!!! Do you think her walls will get higher or shorter? She will back away and build a wall to keep you out and her emotions in. The more you attack the higher the walls. A castle with no enemies only needs a white picket fence but if they are attacked all the time they will build a wall so tall no one will ever get through. Take your time and don't be the enemy. You and I both know you aren't but how she percieves this is all that matters isn't it?

 

Of course this will not drag out forever but this just started so give it some time and keep working on you so no matter what happens you will be okay.

 

Lost

[jefr61]

I really wouldnt pay much attention to what she is saying....stick with her actions, she moved back in. In the two months since my break up Ive gone from Satan on earth to someone that gave a her a "remarkable" three years. Still not back together, but my point is their brain is probably just as much a tornado as yours (women more so because they feel so intensely). Try and remain mellow at all times (good fricken luck with that)

[smilieman]

It is very important for a "fixer" to fight his/her instincts during this time.

 

Of course this will not drag out forever but this just started so give it some time and keep working on you so no matter what happens you will be okay.

Would you know it - I'm fighting and fighting hard! It's so hard not to bring stuff up, but I'm not and I will not. It's just rough when things seemed so strained between us, but I suppose there have been/still are, loads of emotions battling around, eh? Yes, I remember too well the results of me pleading - not so good, that wall got built pretty quickly. I can see that with hindsight.

 

I will carry on working on me and being approachable, respectful and curtious at all times.

 

Cheers Pal, I really respect your views and advice

 

~ S

[smilieman]

I really wouldnt pay much attention to what she is saying....stick with her actions, she moved back in. In the two months since my break up Ive gone from Satan on earth to someone that gave a her a "remarkable" three years. Still not back together, but my point is their brain is probably just as much a tornado as yours (women more so because they feel so intensely). Try and remain mellow at all times (good fricken luck with that)

 

I'll certainly need luck to remain mellow, but I'm doing grand. I must remember NLP - "Calibrate on behaviour". Thanks for the reminder, I forgot that.

 

~ S

[AutumnBorn]

Jefr61, I love what you said and completely agree. Neurologically, men and women are different and feel emotions at different intensities (20% variance). Our actions are often more truthful than our words.

 

There's a link deep in this site to an article written by a woman whose husband left the marriage but not the house. He lived as if he were single, while she continued to raise the children. She was patient and silent. He said he didn't love her. He moved out of their bedroom, bought a motorcycle, went out. She and their children continued living their life as normally as possible. Slowly, he started to spend more time at home, talk a little more. Finally, one night he joined them for dinner. She and the kids were talking about vacation possibilities and he said, "I think we should give some consideration into visiting....." And that's when she knew he was back.

 

I wish I could find it now.