Back Under the Same Roof - Now The Hard Work Starts

[NCforME]

Her heart has protected herself from seeing anything else right now. Thats why you just have to stay calm, it will help her feel calm. She probably tried to change things for awhile and you didn't change so now she won't believe you. Would you? I see people say they are going on diets all the time but never lose any weight. Its similar to this. It has to be sustained change. Reduce the drama as much as possible. I know its hard. Unfortunately that also means you are the one who will have to put all the effort in right now. If you try in her presence, eventually she will unknowingly follow suit and she will mirror your behavior. So if you show lack of confidence then she will have a lack of confidence. Use that to motivate yourself to behave differently. Its similar to my quote below by Gandhi.

[DN]

She says she came back because "she didn't really try at things" - but her behaviour since is to go out without you, not tell you what it is she wants, and to blame you for everything.

 

So how is she trying at things? What is she doing to put the relationship back together?

 

The answer is - nothing. Instead, she is just making it worse and I am becoming more convinced her motive in coming back is to get you to leave so she can have the house.

 

She is the one who left - she is the one who needs to show she is serious about reconciling. And she isn't.

[smilieman]

She says she came back because "she didn't really try at things" - but her behaviour since is to go out without you, not tell you what it is she wants, and to blame you for everything.

I know you're right. Not sure if I posted this on Friday, but she told me then that she hadn't been 100% honest why she came back. She said that the truth was that she couldn't stay at her friends too much longer and that it was her house too. I told her that I asked her the question and she should have been honest with me. What I cannot, and probably will not, understand, is why she just won't try to fix stuff. We've only been married for 1 year and the first real hurdle in our 9 year relationship, she gives up.

[smilieman]

NCfoME - I really appreciate your advice, it's constructive. I have been listening to "Boundaries In Marriage" by Henry Cloud, and although it's a bit on the religious side for me, he states that in these situations, normally after change is seen to be permanent, the spouses thoughts change. It's just hard to hold onto this at the moment, when I feel so weak.

 

The issue I have is "What to change". I haven't really done too much at home as I haven't been too well on anti-depressants. My motivation was low and I felt heavy and subdued. I am now off them and feel like a new person. So, I do the things I should have done - Housework, DIY, Garden. I'm home all day as I am out of work, so I should have been doing this anyway. I did to some degree and I thought it was enough while I was on the tablets as afterwards I was exhausted. Now I can see it wasn't enough. I have the motivation now, since coming off the tablets and enjoy doing this stuff. It just makes it hard as I am worrying so much about our relationship all the time, and I panic,. This takes the enjoyment out of everything.

 

Apparently, the motivation for the changes I make in me, have to be for me and not to save the relationship. What else can I change? Maybe I need to expand my social circle, but I don't know how to do this. I haven't got any contacts in this very small town and being out of work means that I'm on my own all day - every day. There are no pop-in groups and I have no way to get to the larger neighbouring towns. It's like a living hell. I feel so stuck.

 

Keep Calm. I'm trying to so hard. I had a bad day yesterday as I was really ill and was bed-bound most of the day. I felt that I was putting on my wife as I felt absolutely terrible. I said sorry so many times for this. I hope this hasn't made things worse. Each day I feel panic, my entire body shakes all the time, my heart literally feels painful like somebody is squeezing it so hard to make it stop beating. Each day it gets worse. Trying not to respond to these feelings is almost impossible. I wish I didn't get these, apparently my wife doesn't, but trying to appear calm while in a permanent state of panic is difficult. Maybe I need to try harder.

 

I am trying my hardest to find work, but in this climate and given my location, it's like peeing into the wind. I can't seem to catch a break. However, she can see that I'm trying and I've told her what I am doing and have asked her to let me know if she has any other ideas of how I can find work.

 

Mirroring. This is something I am familiar with, but in a different context. It is a very good point. I shall hold on to this and think about my actions.

 

Thank you so much for you positivity and sensitivity. It is most welcome at this hardest of times and gives me a little more hope that things may be able to be changed.

[NCforME]

In order to stay calm try thinking of her as just person herself who is going through a tough time and doesn't quite know how to handle it. Remember she loved you for 10 years so think how much she had to overcome to feel this way about you. It didn't happen overnight She's not an emotionless robot although she may seem that way right now. That helps me because it reminds me that she is just person who is dealing with something the only way she knows how right now.

 

Stop apologizing for things. Get out and get motivated. I'm sure you can find some people to meet.

[lostandhurt]

There is a lot going on here but you can only control things that you have control over! She feels the way she feels and talking to her about your feelings will make it worse. Listen to me on this I know. When you tell her all this and how it hurts you it makes her feel bad for doing it so she closes off or runs. If you want her to stay, be relaxed and possibly open up to you without you starting the conversation then you really need to step back.

 

I know this isn't an easy thing to do but a frontal attack will only harden the walls she has already contructed, and yes she has built walls up already as you have seen.

 

The way you act around her is key. I know you feel pathetic but you cannot act that way. You need to fake it till you make it like the saying goes. Act like you don't care if she stays or goes, build yourself up, be happy and confident, get healthy and active. The way you are acting now is not attractive so if you want her to notice you and how good you are for her then act that way. This is no game as you should want to be like this anyways.

 

The legal advice is critical at this point. She has already sought advice so you need to as well. She may be plotting something and you shouldn't be surprised if she is. She has lied to you and will lie again and again.

 

She IS a "Walk Away Wife" but it doesn't matter what you call it as she has left the marriage but just so happens to still live in the same house as you. There is a chance this might work out but it might take a very long time. Her past relationships are telling so prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best as you build yourself up for the biggest challenge of your life.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Thank you all for your support. Ok, take a step back, I though I was but it looks like I started to creep back again driven by panic. I shall look up some companies for legal advice tomorrow. I'm sure that you're right about her plotting, she has proven this when I first found out she was going behind my back - lying to me. We've always been so honest with each other up until she started behaving this way.

 

She does run when emotions start as this is what she done over the weekend when I shared mine. I shall shut up about how I feel now - no more conversations - none.

 

This is the most incredible situation that I find myself in. It certainly wasn't expected and up until this we have always been honest with each other. It's like living in a bad, bad dream...

 

Cheers

~ S

[smilieman]

I'm bumping this thread for an update......

 

I haven't been on ENA for a week or so. The reason being that I have been in a right mess emotionally and people's opinions - although very welcome - have had their toll on me and kept me in panic mode on a daily basis. I just needed a break from it.

 

I have really appreciated most of the advice that I have received and it has helped considerably. The second reason I haven't posted is because I brought a book to read - The Divorce Remedy, but Michele Weiner-Davis - I wanted to concentrate on reading this and the information in it. It is almost identical to what is posted on the DivorceBusting blog, but with more complete information. From this book I have learned a lot, although I haven't finished it yet.

 

Today, I don't know how to progress forward. I thought that if I post an update, then perhaps I can get a few of your opinions for consideration.

 

My wife left about 5 weeks ago. She has been back home for almost 3 weeks now, but we have been sleeping separately and conversation was initially strained. She wasn't initially honest when I asked her why she came home, telling me that she wanted to try at us. A week later it turned out that she felt in the way at her work colleagues house (I have to believe she was telling me the truth here also). However, she kissed me when she went to work, and to bed, held my hand when we went out and kissed me sometimes on her return from work. Each time, she approached me.

 

There was a distinct period when she was going out all the time and staying at work late, leading me (and others) to believe that she might be having an affair. This has stopped, more or less. She stays at work for maybe an extra half an hour some days and doesn't seem to go out with her "alcoholic friend" any more.

 

For the past 3 weeks, after advice received on ENA and link removed, I have initiated and kept to my 180. I have "Acted As If" I am confident and I am working on myself. A few times I have also made sure that I was not at home when she returned from work, but not every night and things have improved. I have slipped occasionally as I am impatient and want things fixed, but I have promptly addressed this as soon as I notice my behaviour slips back to my old one - appearing weak.

 

I still worry though that she is "arranging things" behind my back, but I think this is just paranoia on my part. Although her personal history confirms that this could be the case. Somehow, I need to prepare for this.

 

My theory is that if I had convinced myself totally that she was seeing another man, then my actions would have shown that. This would then have an effect on they way I behaved towards her and this in turn, may have pushed her away further.

 

So, I've been doing the "Last Resort Technique" and "Doing a 180" - similar concepts. I have also written my goals for improving our relationship and am in the process of cutting each of these down into "Baby Steps". I am paying attention to the little things that I notice changing. And now I am stuck. Here's what's happened so far:

 

 

• My wife has stopped going out a lot and stays home more (at the moment)
  
• When she purchased petrol on a couple of occasions, she has bought me my favourite canned drink. She has done this twice now.
  
• She phoned me from work one lunchtime last week.
  
• Conversation between us has got much better, about general things.
  
• She still hasn't talked about us or the situation, and hasn't made an effort to fix things - although this is getting less important to me at this early stage and may be better talking about later on.
  
• I have been working on me.
  
• I have been taking care of the house.
  
• I have been taking care of me - although I have found it almost impossible to work through the pain each and every hour of every day.
  
• I am still trying to arrange some counselling. I have to use the states offerings as I have no income.
  
• I am trying to sort out our financial problems that have been bearing down on my wife.
  
• I am still looking for work and have had an interview this week - although unsuccessful.
  
• Last night, we slept in the same bed for the first time in 5 weeks!
  

I have learned so much over the past few weeks that I have even noticed a significant change in my behaviour. I feel more confident than I was a few weeks back (only a tiny bit) and I have hope.

 

Let's talk about hope. I've always held on to hope through all of this, even though some people's opinions discouraged me from it. But, if I had not held on to hope, I believe that this would have been echoed (and picked up on) in my behaviour. I am also cautious about advancing to quick, which leads me to my current issue.

 

What Now? I've feel that I have come a long way, but now I feel that I need to lighten things up a bit. When people get together in a relationship, they are hands on. Their "Deep Love Strategy" is hit by accident in a new relationship as couples tend to be touchy feely, say nice things, buy gifts, make themselves look nice and go out a lot. They fall in love.

 

If I was to do any of this at this point, it would have the opposite effect. All this stuff is discouraged in the "Last Resort Technique" and it is not advisable to chase your partner - I have seen first hand the damage this does as I was doing this for the first 2 or 3 weeks and things got exponentially worse - fast!

 

So, the question I now have is, how can we start getting attracted to each other again and enjoy each others company, if the actions that make people fall in love, cannot be carried out as they will have the opposite effect? What is the next step, I wonder? How do I progress from here?

 

For the next few days I have to stay cautious about sleeping together. I am not sure if it's a one off, or whether this will continue over the next few days. Originally she said that she didn't want us to sleep in the same bed as she "Didn't want to give me false hope". Reading the behaviour, has this changed?

 

The reason that she said for me to sleep in the same bed was because it is an orthopaedic mattress that I need for my back and neck's long-term issues. Sleeping on the blow-up bed has taken it's toll and my neck and back is in excruciating pain and going back to the way it was months ago, negating all the chiropractic treatment that I have had on an almost weekly basis, up until recently. Because of this, I refused to go to bed and said that I would stay up all night and go to bed in the morning.

 

We had a discussion and I stuck to my guns, curbing my ego, and said that I would go out for a walk to try to loosen the muscles up, as it usually helps. This was at 10:15pm. After I returned home just after 11pm, I decided to drive to a neighbouring town where the supermarket is open all night, in order to get my monthly photography magazine. I drove slowly there and back, and sat in the car reading my magazine and listening to the radio for an hour. I was doing all this to try to stay awake - nothing more - although I felt frustrated and needed to get out of the house.

 

When I returned home there was a note on the sofa saying to "Come up to bed when you get back and sleep in normal bed x". Notice the 'x'. This has been appearing loads in our e-mail conversations recently.

 

I got into bed after a quick conversation to where I had been and she turned her back. It took me a while to drift off and then I was awake on and off all night. My neck loved it though! I was noticing her position each time I woke. When she awoke when the alarm went off, she lay her with the duvet round her waist, on her back, exposing her bare body - I interpret this as her being comfortable with me there.

 

After breakfast, she got ready for work and approached me for a kiss. I didn't get one when she got home last night, or before she went to bed. So, is it that my unpredictable behaviour has had an effect, or is it just a one off because she felt bad I was in pain? She said that she wanted me to sleep. The positive thing in either case is that she is thinking about me and concerned about me and although tonight will tell if this sleeping arrangement will continue, I have to hold on to hope - because I believe, it shows in my behaviour towards her. If I didn't hold on to hope, then it would appear that I couldn't care if it works or not.

 

"The Divorce Remedy" has been a good read so far and I find that it's not as cut-and-dry or harsh as some people's interpretations. I would advise reading the link removed Blog though, as most of the information is available there for free.

 

I have written too much today, but I promised to keep this thread updated so that others may be able to learn from my experience. Your viewpoints, ideas and comment will be much appreciated.

 

~ S

[DN]

Just a general note for the future (and anyone else reading) - that partner that doesn't want to sleep in the same bed is the one that gets to sleep on the couch.

[lostandhurt]

DN is right! What you need to do is just go to bed like usual and don't even ask or act like it is a big deal. If she has a problem with it she needs to speak up and say something and then you can tell her that if she is uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as you she can sleep downstairs. I need to warn you not to see to much into her telling you to sleep in the same bed and what ever you do keep your hands to yourself! This is not your marital bed any longer until a great many issues are worked out.

 

I think you are doing fine and you really aren't stuck on what to do. What you are doing is perfect! You need to trust me on this. Next you need to stay the course and not react to the things she says or does. This is the core problem in your thinking right now. Stay on track and don't read things into her actions that aren't there. This is a huge trap that you can get sucked into real quick. She kiss's you and hugs you a few times so you start thinking things are better so you want to kiss and hug more but guess what? You just passed up her comfort zone without even knowing it and she backs away and you are crushed. Attraction is the key here and you need to stay on the course you have set. Keep working out every morning like you promised me you would as I expect you to keep that promise. Keep reading and working around the house. Stay active and interesting, be fun but not a bother, laugh and enjoy yourself and don't be sullen and moody. Pump yourself up before she gets home by listening to music that lifts you up so you are in a good state of mind when she sees you. These are all attractive qualities and she will want to be around you more and get away from you less as you have seen be her staying home more. Before she was escaping you and now she is wanting to be near you.

 

Don't let up on what is working and DO NOT FREELANCE THIS THING! You are in no state of mind to be making it up as you go along. You have a plan and some great advice from others that have been there so trust those sources and ignore what doesn't work or feel right. You are not dating so stop equating your situation to dating and falling in love. She loves you and you love her but it has taken a hit and she has been questioniong just how much she loves you. If you stay on track she will hopefully decide that yes she does love you that much and she was being silly. That my friend is a long way down the road. I have friend on here that is on year 4 I think of dealing with his walk away that is not gone but not back either. Of course he it the exception as most of us would have pulled the plug long ago and divorced.

 

In short you are doing great so stay with it! Ignore her actions but be receptive. Be strong and confident, stay well groomed, dress nicely always and get back to the things you enjoy if you can afford to. I know the job market sucks right now but make sure you devot X number of hours each day to looking for a job. Make it like you are going to a job, get ready, dressed, turn off the TV and get to work.

 

Hope is a 2 edged sword but it is all you have as long as you stay focused and real about everything there is no harm in it.

 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

One more thing that is very important.

 

She can not know you come on this forum or read these books so make sure you cover your tracks! I mean it!!! She will view it as you playing some game just to get her back and then you will go right back to the way it was before. She needs to be confused and pleasantly surprised by these changes in you so keep all this a secret!

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Lost: Thank you for your support. I don't know why, but what you share with me makes perfect sense. I am still educating myself and working out. In fact I have dropped a jean size and can get back into my some of my old clothes, which are actually quite new still.

 

I learnt today about not reading into her actions. Not to try to guess what's going on in her head and just let her be. She is more receptive and chats more about stuff.

 

Almost all of what you said comes straight from the book that I purchased. It's nice to have that reinforcement. I do keep slipping back into my old thought patterns, but then I catch myself and stop. Looking good is a good point actually. When she comes home, I'm usually in my jogging pants if I'm in, so tonight I shall change into my jeans, put on a smart jumper and make sure I look good. I've been doing the early morning thing and "getting ready for work" each day - wash, shave, hair, get dressed. The job market sucks, but I am finding quite a few vacancies and chasing them down. I spend about half of each day doing this.

 

As far as the plan goes, yes I do have a plan. I have yet to divide my goals in to baby steps and list the things that I will experience when things are going the right way. The book suggests a two-week timescale, so that's what I'm doing. I agree about the bed thing. My plan tonight is to go to bed later than her, not discuss it and just slip in and get my head down. I have very high morals and respect, so be rest assured that I will keep my hands all to myself. I'm not going to make her feel uncomfortable - this bed thing is a Huge step forward in my opinion and I don't want to make my behaviour unpredictable like I did last night, on a regular basis as it will get too noticeable.

 

She's going to see her Father on Sunday, he hasn't been too well. I was going to say to her that it would be nice if I could join her and then go out for dinner on the way home. Leave it at that. Not sure whether this will make her feel crowded or not. Her Dad is doing up his mothers old house to move into. She died last year. I've always said that I would help and last night I told my wife to ask him if he wants any help on the weekend - if of course she wanted me to come.

 

You are also right with regard to the advice I have had on here and link removed blog. I have learnt quickly and taken things seriously. I know my behaviour has changed as I feel it myself. I've just finished painting the bedroom and although I got lost in damaging thoughts while I was doing it, it does boost my confidence a little seeing things get done.

 

Thank you and DN for your comments. I know at this point that I cannot sleep on the floor on the blow-up bed anymore. My body has told me this and I have spent a few days in pain. This is why we purchased the orthopaedic mattress and this is what I need to use. After all, it's not me feeling uncomfortable and I know that I am not making her feel uncomfortable either.

 

Thank you for all of your support. You don't know how much I appreciate it, just having somebody there when I get Stuck and a bit down.

 

I will keep you updated.

 

Cheers

~ S

[DN]

Thank you and DN for your comments. I know at this point that I cannot sleep on the floor on the blow-up bed anymore. My body has told me this and I have spent a few days in pain. This is why we purchased the orthopaedic mattress and this is what I need to use. After all, it's not me feeling uncomfortable and I know that I am not making her feel uncomfortable either.

This is more than just a question of your back (I sympathise as I have back issues too). But it's a question of not being pushed around. When a couple get married and share a bedroom and a bed they each have a right to use it. If one decides that they don't want to share with their partner then they must accept the consequences of their decision and be the one to sleep on the uncomfortable couch.

 

It seems like a small thing but it isn't. It's an indicator of how the break-up/divorce or reconciliation will be conducted. If the person wanting to leave or reconcile realised that the other person isn't going to roll over and do whatever they want then they begin to realise the consequences - they aren't going to get the bed, the bedroom, the house, the car without having to justify it. And if they reconcile it will be on equal terms not with one getting their way under threat of leaving again.

 

This isn't being obstructive - that would not be wise. But there is a vast difference between being obstructive and allowing your partner or ex-partner to take advantage of you. Don't make the mistake of thinking that by allowing her to take charge of your life as well as hers it will make her more likely to reconcile. Few people like being with a door-mat - and no one with self-respect likes being treated like one.

[Janeiac]

smilieman, you are doing great! It's working, right? Things are better than they were, right? You know what works, keep doing it. You know what doesn't work, keep refraining from it!

 

Sleep in your bed. If she wants to sleep elsewhere, let her. You need the good mattres for your back, she doesn't. One must exhibit self-respect to get respect from others, even a spouse.

 

Do your best to remain cheerful. Come on here and vent all your want, not to her. Get it out of your system and then grab ahold of your resolve and keep up the good work.

 

You made a big list of successes. Keep going!

 

By the way, your job interview was not unsuccessfull -- you were a sucess at securing the interview! TTHe interview is your next step, not the hire. Keep going on interviews.

 

You can do this.

 

PS Your wife loves you, she brings your favorite drink!

[smilieman]

Ok. So I haven't brought up the sleeping arrangements but my wife did before going up to bed. She asked where I was sleeping as she didn't want me to hurt, and would I be sleeping upstairs. I said Yes I would as I couldn't risk my neck getting worse as it has been and asked her if it was a problem. She said no and went to bed. No kiss tonight, but then I shouldn't worry about this inconsistency, should I. If it was going to be a problem, then I would have told her that I'm sleeping upstairs and that she would have to do what she felt was right for her. Luckily the conversation didn't get that far.

 

She has also informed me tonight that she is going out on Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. I mentioned it would be nice to go up to her Dad's with her on Sunday and that we could have a meal on the way home. I said that if she doens't want me there then let me know. She syas that it's not that and then came up with some excuses and said we couldn't afford to have a meal out. I said I'd pay out of my little bit of money and then asked her how she could afford the petrol to go out twice at the weekend, when she took some money from my account to pay for petrol to get to work today - without asking too! I didn't say that last bit to her, of course. Yes, I'm changing my online password now, because that is taking advantage - but then she knows how to reset it!

 

Janelac Thank you for your support. It seems like a long road and I was told it would be, but I am doing all I can. I read about midlife crisis and WAW Syndrome and I wonder if I stand a chance at putting this right. I try, but I can't really get my head round the entire thing as to how it's got this way - without conversation. confusing. I hope that you are right and that she does love me still - somewhere under all her hidden emotions. Your support about job hunting is most welcome. I have applied for over 25 jobs in about 4 weeks and my effort have become so big that I spend every morning doing this now. Hopefully I'll be lucky soon.

 

Thank you all for your concerns and advise. I am listening and putting into action those things that make sense to me and those that seem to work. I have decided that I need to keep a diary in order to keep track on my efforts and what works and doesn't work.

 

I think I need to work on my self-respect, as DN makes a fair point.

 

I will keep you all updated - thank you.

 

~ S

[lostandhurt]

Don't worry about the kiss or no kiss thing. Her emotions are all over the place so just ignore it.

 

Don't try and negotiate time with her, it will cause her walls to get higher. It needs to be her idea, not yours. If she feels comfortable she will assume you are going but not tell you until she says something like "aren't you going to get ready to go?". Then you just say "you mean to your parents? sure give me a few minutes" NOT "you didn't ask so I thought you didn't want me there"

 

It is extremely important that you remember the harder you push on her walls the thicker and higher they get which is the opposite of what you want isn't it? Don't change the password on your account. It will seem petty and small. You have been out of work for some time so she figures any money in there is hers. Right or wrong that is how she feels so let it go. Those things are pretty small considering what you are trying to save right now don't you think? If you need some emergency money it is best to keep it as cash and hide it well in house. This is something I highly recommend by the way.

 

Interactions with a walk away can leave you puzzled and confused so learn to let it go. One of my friends on here likes to say "trying to make sense out of non-sense will drive you crazy" Stay away from this and stay on the course you have set for yourself no matter how she acts or what she says.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Lost: I have just re-read your post. Mmm, maybe I should have read it a bit closer the first time. There is so much information. I did mention about going to her parents. She said that she had been thinking about it a lot and that she wanted to go alone, as the last time she spoke to her father was when we were split up and she didn't want it to be awkward. I said ok, didn't make a fuss. I had a bit of a panic after she had left, so I drove there afterwards to see if she was there. She was, so I drove home a happy man. My trust is gaining again, although I still feel rather insecure - not showing it! I have never felt like this in this relationship and I want to get out of the habit of feeling doubtful.

 

I have just started to study for my IT certification at home, so this will keep me busy for a few weeks and give me something to concentrate on. I have lost another half stone in weight, which is brilliant and part of a diet/exercise plan. I am now half a stone off what I used to be when we first met and I look good and am fitting into some of my older clothes. Job wise it's looking promising. Another potential one in the next town up the road where I used to work. Should hear something this week, but it only came in today.

 

I agree about how trying to make sense out of things is puzzling. The kisses have decreased now, since we have been sleeping in the same bed. I would assume that she feels a little awkward and needs to feel comfortable with things at this level. I am polite each night and touch her arm/hand when I say "goodnight" and leave it there. I just don't know how things are going to progress, but I suspect it's early days and things may change when I get employment as more of the pressure will be off.

 

Until then, one step at a time - although I am unsure what those steps are and question this every single day. I shall just do my thing, fake the confidence and see what happens!

 

Cheers All,

 

~S

[DN]

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

[smilieman]

No, I can't say I do. But, if it's only a few months then yes, I am willing to give things a go. At least I can say that I've done all I can. I need to remain positive for a while longer. Things are changing and I believe that it just needs to get back on to an even keel. If it doesn't then I will have to revist things.

[SethSLC]

Maybe have the talk with her. If you're going to try then try. There is really no point in half-assing it. That means you're both going to have to put your big kid britches on and let go of ALL resentments you have towards each other, go out on a limb and trust the other person. Half hearted trying will lead to ruin. It's my feeling that when it comes to relationships you are either in or you're out. There can't be any middle ground or it's doomed to fail.

[lostandhurt]

Of course you won't stay in limbo for ever but only you will know when to pull the trigger on the divorce. This is still really new so hang tough and stay on track. You need time to heal up and get strong before you pick a fight anyways so don't worry about time, it is on your side at the moment.

 

Remember you have no control over what she thinks, says or does so accept that and stay with what you do have control over. There is much for you to do that doesn't involve her so stay with it.

 

Fake it, till you make it does work. It gets you the time you need to be stronger until you are ready to start driving this instead of being a passenger.

 

Re-read some of your first posts and you will see a change in you for the better. You can do this

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Re-read some of your first posts and you will see a change in you for the better. You can do this Lost

I have done just this. I have also been thinking a lot about the timescale - 6 weeks. It's so small. I have to trust that in the past 9 years we have built up strong foundations that will hopefully support this moment.

 

Immediate-future plans are being made, without question. Cinema this weekend to see the New "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie - we have always gone to see these since they first came out. We are also be going to do some work on the house - in the garden - it's Bank Holiday weekend for us here, so we have 3 days. I know it's only small steps, but for me it's massive as she is showing that she wants to spend time with me.

 

Lost - You have been such a rock for me over the past few weeks, thank you for this. I have lost 3 stone and am almost back to my previous weight. I am taking care of me, making sure that I look good each morning and I can now fit into some of my older clothes. I didn't feel like doing any of this at the start and although I still get into panics, my confidence is starting to build.

 

I agree about not picking a fight at the moment. I am not strong enough for this emotionally. This situation has taken it out of me, for sure, and I would imagine that it has had a similar effect on my wife.

 

It's great how general conversation flow is coming back and getting better day by day. I have noticed that I ask a lot of questions in order to get conversation to happen, but the reaction I get is negative and I believe she thinks I'm prying. So, I've stopped this. I don't think I've ever been so conscious of my actions before, but I can see how some of them could be annoying!!!

 

My priority is work now. I have nearly saved us losing the house for a while, so this has taken a bit of the pressure off - all good.

 

Thanks again

~ S

[smilieman]

Maybe have the talk with her. If you're going to try then try. There is really no point in half-assing it. That means you're both going to have to put your big kid britches on and let go of ALL resentments you have towards each other, go out on a limb and trust the other person. Half hearted trying will lead to ruin. It's my feeling that when it comes to relationships you are either in or you're out. There can't be any middle ground or it's doomed to fail.

I understand your view on this, and Yoda does say: "There is no try, only do and not do!". The same is true for NLP.

 

This situation is a first for me and I've never known my wife to act like this in the 9 years that we have been together. It's been a trialing few weeks and by taking a step back I have been able to look in and start learning. I do think that things are still sensitive at the moment and when I asked yesterday if she had a new perfume (I was only asking as it smelled really nice), she thought that I was accusing her of buying it when we haven't got a lot of money. Things are being taken out of proportion and meanings are being created in her mind, that aren't there.

 

It is my fear that at this point, forcing the talk issue will undo all the progress that has been done in such a short space of time. I don't even want to speak about what's happened any more, but I would like to sit down at some stage and speak about our future relationship. I don't want to do this yet. I need to get into work (this is stressful enough) and ensure that our living environment is safe for at least 6 months. This will take some of the immense pressure off of both of us.

 

As far as relationships go, I certainly agree that it's being in or out. I married the girl after 8 years of being together, because I was committed to us. Apparently she did the same, but she certainly hasn't shown commitment in tough times. You can only question this, but I will never know what's going on in her head, or how she feels. It's quite possible that she has had some sort of breakdown, or just can't think properly - you just don't know, but her behaviour is certainly confusing.

 

Thanks for your views, I appreciate each and every one of them.

~ S

[lostandhurt]

You are moving forward ever so slowly so don't worry about time. There is no rush to get divorced is there? That is where this was headed only a few short weeks ago right?

 

Although I know a lot about this (from experience) you need to take everything I say as only a suggestion and not a rigid truth that will work for sure. You are there and I am not so take my advice and use what feels right. The thing I want to help you with more than anything is to not do the wrong things. You know the things you were doing in the early stages of this. I think you are lucky you found this place and you are getting very good advice from a lot of people.

 

The movie thing is good but if she backs out or tries to make some reason to postpone it then just tell her "I had my heart set on seeing today so I am going to go anyways" "let me know if you change your mind" This shows that you are willing to do things without her and you are independent and in charge of your own life. This is attractive. You can adjust the time you see the movie but the day has been set so stick to it unless it is something serious stopping her from going. Don't put to much into this though. Keep those expectations in check okay?

 

Working together on a common goal is very good. Many couples are the closest when they are struggling but when things go real good and there is no challenge to tackle together they drift apart.

 

Keep working on yourself, make yourself more attractive in all ways. Don't kiss her butt but don't be to aloof either. She might not have said anything but she has noticed how much weight you have lost and how good you are looking lately so keep that up.

 

Her behavoir is confusing because she is confused so don't worry about it. Don't make this about you when it really isn't. That is the problem with so many trying to figure out the Walk Away. You will hear things like be a better husband, buy her flowers, date nights and on and on but she is so past that and those things as you have seen only piss them off more. There will be plenty of time for that kind of stuff much later when she is receptive and her walls have come down.

 

Have you printed out my signature and put it somewhere you can see it everyday? If not do it. It helps keep the mind focused.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[smilieman]

Lost: I've been thinking about the movie thing and you are right - I was going to do that anyway! Looks like we are thinking along the same lines.

 

I understand that her behaviour is confusing as she is confused also. I respect this. I love to educate myself when I don't understand things and I have read loads, thanks to your references. The hardest thing was to back off and I still have an issue with slipping back into those ways. When I see this, I stop immediately. It's a conscious process.

 

Unlike others comments and advice, I would like to work at my marriage. It's far too common for people to give up these days, when the going gets tough. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't, but at least I'll go down fighting and with my respect intact. Like you said, I'm in no rush to get divorced and it's early days. She's been home just 4 weeks tomorrow and the progress, looking back, is fantastic. I just hope it goes towards a positive end.

 

I read more of Michele Weiner-Davis' book and in a lot of cases, the other person makes the move to progress things. So I can concentrate just on me, do what I'm doing that works and wait for her to progress the relationship. Things change almost daily. Something get worse - like my kisses - some things get better - conversation and laughs.

 

I shall print out your signature and stick it on the wall above my computer. It seems apt, I must admit.

 

Cheers my friend, for your assistance, I will repay you when I'm in a position to do so. How much again $500 per advice mail !

 

Keep in touch.

 

~ S