Back Under the Same Roof - Now The Hard Work Starts

[smilieman]

How strange!

 

As the days go on I am learning so many new things about relationships. Of course men and women are different neurologically. I mean it's been a common understanding for years that us men can only manage to do one things at a time! Perhaps that's what's she's doing at the moment then. Acting as if she is single and going out almost every night, at any opportunity. I think that she is trying to make me "wait for her at home" and playing games to keep me hanging on. Don't know why and I wonder if she does.

 

I keep thinking to myself, "Stop doing what you normally do and do something else, for you". I works some of the time, but today I'm in panic mode and I really don't know why. "Keep calm", "Stop shaking", "Be Mellow".

[DN]

How strange!

 

As the days go on I am learning so many new things about relationships. Of course men and women are different neurologically. I mean it's been a common understanding for years that us men can only manage to do one things at a time! Perhaps that's what's she's doing at the moment then. Acting as if she is single and going out almost every night, at any opportunity. I think that she is trying to make me "wait for her at home" and playing games to keep me hanging on. Don't know why and I wonder if she does.

 

link removed

 

This may explain why she is having problems.

[smilieman]

link removed

 

This may explain why she is having problems.

Don't quite understand the link here. oh, I understand attention switching perfectly, but not as it relates to my wife's action at this point. Am I missing something?

[DN]

It is not true that people can multi-task - men or women. All you do if you try is do each each task less well. That is why she can't both party and have a good relationship.

[smilieman]

DN - I think it's more avoidance. What I have learned over the past few weeks, is that she seems to avoid talking about emotions and how she feels. It's like she has boxes for everything and the one with emotions in it never gets open. If she is to be at home alone, she then seems to arrange to go out with friends. Again, I think that this is avoiding thinking about things and getting in touch with the emotion attached to stuff. By going out, she hasn't got time to think. By keeping busy at work, she hasn't got time to think.

 

I truly believe that this is why she avoids conversation and why she hasn't arranged to contact the marriage counsellor that I had lined up. If she talks about it, then she will get in touch with the emotion and personally, I don't think she can handle that - although, I don't quite know why. I will do some research and see if I can find anything on this idea.

[smilieman]

I've been awake for hours last night - most of the night in fact. I can't stand it any more. The atmosphere is so thick and almost everything I say is greated by an "Aah" or a brief forced laugh. It's like everything I say isn't important and not being listened to. You know, not being properly listened to. I know I'm normally the "fixer" and I have been fighting the urge to say anything for an entire week and even though I know that that's not a long period of time, for me, things need to be spoken about before we can go any further. I am in pain sleeping on the blow-up bed in the lounge, as I have neck and back problems which have now been exacerbated spending my night like this. Not only am I uncomfortable on the inside and spend the majority of my day shaking from head to toe, I am extremely uncomfortable on the outside and it's painful to move around. You see, the marital bed is an orthopaedic mattress that was purchased especially for my back and neck issues and a week virtually sleeping on the floor, has had it's toll.

 

So, this morning I said something. Whether I was right or wrong I said something. It was short, to the point. I asked, "When I talk about things in general, are you interested?". "Yeah", she replied. "It's just that I am greated with an 'Aah' or a short laugh to almost everything I say". "That's not true!", she said in a rather forceful tone, "We've been having conversations about things". Yes, we have had maybe one or two conversations over the past week - nothing in-depth, I thought to myself. So I responded, "Well, that's how I feel and that's what I've noticed. I've been awake all night thinking about this and I would prefer to say something, rather than say nothing. If I said nothing, then I would probably just stop trying to hold conversations because of the way you respond and I don't want that as I want this relationship to get back on track".

 

Then I went downstairs in the garden, cleaned the outside table, got the chairs out and fiddled with my grapevine - yes, I have a grapevine! She was then ready to leave for work and came into the garden. She said that the decking I had stained yesterday looks nice. (God, if she comes accross this on the Net, she'll know it's me!). I thought to myself that I shall just say one more thing - I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't stop myself and I needed to make things clear to her. I said, "When you want to talk, I will just sit and listen.", she responded, "Okay". So I continued, "I don't want to pressure you, and I really want to sort this relationship out, but that can't be done until we talk, can it? That's how I feel.". With that, she left for work, with the sandwiches that I made her this morning.

 

Now, I shall say nothing more. I have said my piece and kept it low-key, low-emotion (although she started to respond negatively at first) and to the point.

 

Now what? I don't have a clue whether I've done the right thing or not. Looking back to the last conversation, I wonder if she started to pull back a bit. But, she knows that I've left it with her again, she knows that I will listen when she wants to talk, she knows that I want to sort things out and she knows that I feel that we need to talk in order to do this. Was I so, so wrong to say anything? Or have I handled it fairly well, under the circumstances? I just can't play games and I can't just pretend that nothing has happened either.

 

I've been reading a book "Fighting for your marriage" and it is quite enlightening about how people think of marriage, based on their own experiences of their parents and close family members growing up. It's interesting how my wife's parents have lived apart ever since she was born and that her older sisters marriage ended in divorce, not too long after getting married.

 

Any advice on this mornings developments would be greatly received, as I am at my wits end!

 

Cheers,

~ S

[dramallama]

I think her ambivalence says it all. Are you prepared to walk if she doesn't want to talk?

[smilieman]

I think her ambivalence says it all. Are you prepared to walk if she doesn't want to talk?

I'm afraid that I have nowhere to go. What's more, I really don't think that giving ultimatum's is the answer either. I have been advised to stay in the house anyway - legally. Walk emotionally? Maybe, but I'm learning that she is the type of person that get's repelled under pressure and closes off. I think that I need to find a way to let her know that she's starting to push me a bit too far.

[reidqa]

Friend,

 

Instant leaves, then return as fast.

 

**Where was she who was she and to whom was she with.

 

She's gone to see friends and her sister now.

 

**Have you verified or a backwalk is happening.

 

Something not right here.

 

Are you 100% positive there is no male in the shadows.

[smilieman]

Are you 100% positive there is no male in the shadows.

There is no way to verify this. Of course I have asked her, many times, as this was my first thought. But, without resorting to checking up and stalking behaviour (which I am not prepared to do as I am better than that), I have to trust what she tells me. If she is lying, then I would not know this. She has taken time off work behind my back before and I found her car parked in a side road the other side of town. I waited. At the point that she returned and was dropped of by another, I was not there as I desperately needed the loo. When I came back she was in her car, in casual clothes and I asked her if she was going to come home a pretend that she had been to work. She said "Yes". I said that's she's been gone all afternoon. She said "Not all afternoon". I said, "Yes, all afternoon. I've been sitting in your car from 2:30pm to 6pm - all afternoon! Silence.. We spoke loads over this (well I did) and she said that a friend had taken her to see a divorce lawyer. This is how all this started and was the first that I knew about it - When she moved out, she was staying at a work collegues house - I thought that she was with another man. But if this was the case, then why is she home now?

 

Am I a fool to believe her. I asked her again before she came back, well I told her. I said, "I think you're with another man". Her response, "Well, I'm not".

 

I cannot approach the subject without proof and I need to be sure that this is the case. Otherwise, if it's not the case, then more damage will result. This, in my opinion, certainly is not conducive to working on a relationship.

[lostandhurt]

Is there another man? Good question but does it matter right now? If you found out there was and she has been cheating on you would you throw her out?

 

I was cheated on after 20 years together and have read plenty of threads on this site about it. Not many cheaters tell the truth when asked. They are cheating so telling a lie is no big deal to them. More than likely she won't tell you the truth until she is ready to replace you with him if there is actually someone else and then they often they leave and then pretend they just met the guy and started dating so everyone will think they are not a terrible person.

 

Why is she sleeping in your bed? Your health is just as important as hers so tell her that from now on you will sleep in the good bed 3 days in a row and then she can sleep in it 4 days and then you will have 4 days and she will get 3 and so on..... Tell her this, do not ask her if she thinks it is a good idea. Stick to your guns on this. You need to sleep.

 

Explain to me how often she is going out and who she is hanging out with. Be accurate so I can tell what is really going on.

 

There are a few things you need to stop doing and a few things you need to start doing. Go see old friends, go do something other than stay at home waiting for her to return, spend time with family and reconnect with old hobbies and interests. Like I told ypou before you will need this no matter what happens down the line. Stop catering to her. Making her lunch is nice but did you do it before? Do not let the fear of your marriage ending change the way you act towards her. This needs to be real and sustainable so make it that way.

 

Answer my questions with brutal honesty please. Things are going slowly but you are doing just fine.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Lost

 

Amended: I forgot to add that when I go over my friends, she comes also as she is friends with his wife. Do I ask her to come? It would be weird if I didn't. My friends wife would probably have a "chat" with her if she did go, but I guess she would refuse and then go out herself!

 

Right, here goes. Would I throw her out if she cheated. Well, it would be final yes, but I can't throw her out of her own home. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who has cheated - especially after just 1 year of marriage! That would mean the whole thing would be a sham.

 

She went out to her sisters over the weekend, just for a couple of hours, for dinner. She never used to work late or go out after work, but. She went out on Tuesday for a drink after work with a friend for an hour and a half. She was late home on Wednesday and didn't let me know - only 45 minutes - she said that she was working as she is really busy at work. She has just now e-mailed me to say that she will be late home tonight - 15 -30 mins - again really busy at work. I've been thinking that she could be meeting somebody after work quickly - just like we used to when she ws seeing me behind her old boyfriends back (have I mentioned this before!). I have just rung her and told her that I would prefer her to ring, rather than email. I told her that I hope she's not playing games and I would hate that and it would make things worse. I said that I was a straight-down-the-line kind of guy and would appreciate her to be the same. She said that she was not playing games.

 

Originally, I did offer to sleep on the blow-up bed, but I didn't think that it would be this long before we spoke. My reasons for suggesting it in the first place was to give her some space when she came home, so that she didn't feel under pressure that I would want to cuddle up to her and have sex, or anything. She said she would like to sleep separate when she came home, but I do not know her reasons. I feel like I would like to ask her what her reasons are for sleeping separate, seeing as she has come home to work on us.

 

Here's the problem about me. I know it sounds sad, but I only have one friend. He winds me up the wrong way and tells me that he wouldn't be surprised if she seeing another man. This doesn't help me much and that is all he and his wife can offer. I am due to go to theirs on Sunday, as they live about an hours drive away. The problem I have is that I can't afford the petrol to get there. I have no other friends as they all moved away and we lost contact. Hobbies and interests I can do, but they keep me at home - photography is one, IT is another, but I *really* can't concentrate on anything with all this stuff going on and her not talking. I'm in panic mode each and every hour of each and every day. My heart is racing, my guts feel like they are upside down and I'm shaking so much it's hard to stand up. I'm a right mess. I have stuck to my guns and done everything you have suggested, but I really do feel that I need to have a talk with her, but afraid I will push her away. Especially if things are getting better in her mind.

 

When we go out - she holds my hand.

When she goes to work - she kisses me.

When she goes to bed - she kisses me.

We talk fine about everything else - more or less.

 

Yes, I used to make her lunch. Since I've been out of work I have done this most days, but this is the first time I have done it since she has been back.

 

Things are going slowly yes and it's painful as I am normally the fixer and thought I have given her the room to talk, obviously I am doing something wrong. I hope I haven't made things worse by asking her if she was playing games just now, I done it nicely and told her that I hoped I haven't annoyed her. She never has stayed at work. Maybe one or twice over 4 years, but not this much - although it's not for hours.

 

Here's the thing. She said that she was going shopping after work today. She started to do this about 2 months before we split and all this started. I sent her an e-mail to say that I would like to go shopping with her, so come home and then we will go. I told her that I would like that. The reason I done this is because if she is seeing somebody else just to say "have a nice weekend", it would not give her the chance. But now she's staying late at work, so she gets her way. Do I mention my thoughts to her on this?

 

She also refuses to have counselling. I find this strange since she has come home to work on us - that's what she said one week ago today. Do I clarify this with her again?

 

Any feedback would be recieved thankfully,

 

~S

[smilieman]

Update.

 

I have just rung my friends wife and asked her advice. She says that if was her then she would want to know. She said maybe tell her that since she came back to work on things, then we need to start talking, even if it's small bits here and there. She's with you on the bed front. I suggested originally that I would sleep separate to make her feel safe. she hasn't mentioned anything though and I need to know why she want to sleep separate - what her reasons are and how she sees things.

 

The way she is acting does not appear to be that of somebody who wants to work on things and sort things out. I think that maybe I need to nudge - not force - the issue. This is no way to live and it's like it's an open-ended existence. Just hanging on.

 

That is what my plan is - would anybody think this is wrong?

 

Appreciate feedback

 

~ S

[lostandhurt]

If she has shown she is willing to cheat before then she will more than likely have no problem doing it again. This knowledge you have about her is driving your thoughts I am sure. Cheating or not you need to make sure you stay calm and not ask about it anymore as she will just lie to your face. Shams happen all the time in business and in marriage so don't beat yourself up to much if she didn't turn out to be the woman you wanted her to be. Many relationships that start out like yours did end the same way they started.

 

Normally I would want you to wait to get started so you can work on yourself a little more but you seem intent on trying to fix this. If you cannot wait any longer then try this.

Sit down at the kitchen table accross from her and ask her this: "Where do you think is the best place to start working on our problems?" If she answers "I don't know" then ask her to list 2 things big or small that she thinks could use some work to improve the quality of your marriage. If she answers "I don't know" then ask her "Do you think you moved back in to soon?" "perhaps you needed more time alone to figure these things out" Then leave her to do all the talking. Look into her eyes to see if you see any emotion or if you see a blank stare when you ask these questions. If she seems to blink strange like she keeps her eyes closed longer than she usually does or has a hollow look make note of it and let me know.

 

These are all suggestions and may blow up in your face, they may very well start a good conversation so if you are willing to try go ahead. What ever you do, do not tell her what you think is wrong. She is the one that left so she needs to step up and tell you. You can tell her again that you will not accept the kind of marriage you once had and you will not just live in limbo for much longer. She may ask how long you will wait so simply tell her you don't know as you really don't.

 

Do some more reading on link removed before you do anything.

 

good luck

Lost

[DN]

Has it occurred to you that she only came back because she wanted her home back and will behave badly towards you so you will move out? Because that's what it looks like to me.

[lostandhurt]

I have seen that before DN and it crossed my mind too. Wife moves out for a few weeks, gets advice that she shouldn't have, tells hubby she wants to come home and then a few weeks later she tells him he needs to leave.

 

I mentioned it to him but only time will tell I guess.

 

Don't leave the house no matter what!

 

Lost

[smilieman]

I'm beginning to see this, especially after the conversation I started tonight. She gave me a false reason for coming home - said she was wanting to work at things. She tells me today that she wasn't 100% honest and that she couldn't stay at her friends any longer and that it was her house too!

 

She refuses to talk for fear of hurting me and refuses counselling. She doesn't want to work at this, so I somehow need to accept it's over. It's such a shame that I can't do something dramatic to give her a kick up the butt and make her see sense. Of all the things I've read, most relationships can be fixed by communication - she refuses to do this. I have suggested doing it in small chunks. See where it goes, but I don't hold much hope.

 

I feel gutted. She said she has felt like it for months, which would make it a couple of months after getting married - which I find strange.

 

Thanks All,

~S

[DN]

She tells me today that she wasn't 100% honest and that she couldn't stay at her friends any longer and that it was her house too!

I think you should see a lawyer, tell him or her your story and get some legal advice to make sure you are protected legally. She may decide to use some strategem to get you out of the house.

[smilieman]

The legal advice thing is good, but I'll need to apply for legal aid as I'm unemployed and basically skint! There aren't any lawyers in this town, so will have to go to a neighbouring one. Otherwise they want loads of money!

 

We have a chat today. Well, I did. Not about our relationship, but about a child that we lost about 4 years ago. I get stressed out around children, but only ones whose parents let them run riot. Not because the kids annoy me really, but because the parents haven't brought them up properly. I could be a much better parent, that's what I think when I see this. Then I wonder what our child would have looked like, whether it would be a boy or girl, it would have been around 4 years old now. We have never spoke about this and I thought that if we are going to break up, then I'm going to let her know that I think about this each and every day and especially when I see people bringing up their children and having babies. It's sad. I also spoke about me and the way losing my job has made me feel and effected my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. I told her that I'm working on this stuff and it's hard.

 

She briefly said that she regretted this for a while also, but didn't think about it too much any more. She was ill back then, and her life was more important. She was on harmful drugs and we needed to get her well first. I'm just so gutted that we didn't get to the stage where we were a family.

 

Shortly afterwards, she says that she feels claustrophobic and needs to go out. Her reasons seemed fickle, so like a nerd I questioned them and told her that if she is seeing another man then just to tell me now, as I would rather hear it now than find out later. I also reminded her that we didn't have any money and she was going to go and spend it. She says that she wasn't and after she got ready to go out she said that she wouldn't go as she didn't have any money and petrol was tight. She said that she would go round her friends tonight for a few hours. She obviously needed to run and I think she runs when the emotions get involved. Then she said that she was going to go on the internet and find out about relationship stuff. I fear that this may be a ploy just to shut me up. Then I panicked. What if she comes accross my posts on ENA?!

 

I then thought to myself, well if she does, then she does. At least she will know that I'm trying to work through this and I would rather her have a go at me for trying to save our marriage, rather than saying nothing and ending it anyway.

 

We had dinner and then she went out to her friends. Well, her friends lives locally, so I went out for a drive. I hate doing this, but I need to be able to trust her again as she has lied before. To my surprise, her car was there.

 

I wonder if this is a turning point.

[DN]

Many lawyers will give half an hour or an hour's free legal advice. Worth checking into.

[smilieman]

Yes they used to. But here in the UK they stopped that I think. I shall enquire!

 

Cheers for that

[DN]

link removed

[smilieman]

May thanks. Shall check it out!

[smilieman]

Oh Boy!

 

This 180 thing is getting so hard. I don't know what else to do. She went out last night for 2 hours with her friend, this turned into 4.5 hours. She did ring, but I worry. And yes, she was with her friend! I went out for a walk so I wasn't there when she came home. She called me but I had switched off my mobile. I needed to think.

 

After a couple of hours, she left a voicemail saying she was worried - almost in tears. I texted her saying I was Ok. I came home about 2am and said to her "I've been running every scenario in my head. I'll give you what you want, just do what you have to do".

 

Now, I regret that, but I didn't know what else to do. On Friday, she told me that things hadn't changed since she had been home and I didn't know how to handle this.

 

I feel awful all the time and my chest hurts with the pain. I can't concentrate on anything, or sleep, I really don't want this life for us and fee so powerless to change it.

 

I'm running out of ideas to make this work.

 

~S

[smilieman]

Forgot to add.....

 

I don't know how to act around her and feel pathetic all of the time. I guess that's lack of confidence, but it is also that I don't want this marriage to end - especially not without trying anything at all. I just wish I could get her to come to counselling with me, but it seems like her mind is made up and all I can do is sit and watch our relationship crumble.

 

How can you build on a relationship when there is nothing and she is so, so closed off? It's hurts so much when she says that she doesn't feel anything, as I know it's because she has closed herself off but she can't see this. She just doesn't want to try at this and I really, really can't understand why.

 

Each day is getting harder and harder and I am lost - totally lost - why she isn't prepared to try at things.

 

Thanks for listening.