Back Under the Same Roof - Now The Hard Work Starts

[lostandhurt]

When you are better and have learned then you can simply pay it forward like I try to do.

 

I am pulling for you

 

Lost

[smilieman]

I was going to wait until later this evening when I was on my own to post about how good things were going - that was until today.

 

We were due to go out to the DIY store this afternoon to look at carpet and blinds for the new room and instead I am here, alone, typing this. She wanted to go out again this morning, on her own. No issues with me. Then she stated that she would look around the DIY stores for blinds. I said, "I thought we were doing this this afternoon, I'd like to look too". "We can", she said.

 

I told her that I was fed up of being alone at home all of the time. This was not aimed at her really, but it may have come accross that way as I was wound up a little. The reason I said this was because I was looking forward to going out this afternoon and thought that she had changed her mind.

 

She was going to go to look at some clothes and would only be an hour. Over 4 hours later she still isn't home. She didn't answer the phone. I left a message. About an hour later she txt me saying that she had looked around the shops and would be stopping at a friends house on the way home. The same friend that she stayed with for 3 weeks before.

 

I replied to her text saying that I wasn't aiming my comments at her previously and that I had had a tough week. I wasn't actually. When I was on anti-depressants I didn't seem to mind staying at home alone. But now that I'm off them it's driving me crazy and with all this stuff going on it just makes it worse. No reply.

 

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what time she will be in or how long she will be. All I know is that I feel the exact same way that I did when all this first started.

 

It amazes me how something so minor, can trigger behaviour so major and irrational. Have I spoilt things? Do I just continue the way that I did? I shall explain to her about my feelings of being home alone when she gets in.

 

I am posting here now as I know not what else to do. What a shame this has happened today. :sad:

[Janeiac]

smilieman, hang tough. It's normal to have an occaisional pause in the forward momentum. This isn't a setback, really. Much depends on how you frame your own perspective.

I can see how her blowing you off like this makes you feel sad and lonely, but please don't get dragged down. Quit moping around the house and get outside. Go look at the blinds yourself, or do some gardening, or just have a walk. It's spring, go enjoy it. It will lift your mood and help you stop feeling so dependent on your wife for your happiness. Find your own way and she will respect you so much more. Now go!

[smilieman]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have been so strong over the past few weeks, but today I have broken. I've been in the garden this morning and tried to do some painting this afternoon, but I can't concentrate. i have had tablets in one hand ready to go - that's how bad I feel this afternoon. I know it is to be a rough road, but I'm not sure how long I can feel like this. Going through each day is shear hell. Last weekend was so nice, we laughed, joked and had fun. The complete opposite to today. I can't seem to slow my mind down enough to get perspective. I shall have a bath, get dressed and go for a walk for a while, until this calms down. I know it will only calm down once she gets home, but something tells me that she won't be home tonight, and at least not until late!

[Janeiac]

THis is the hardest thing you will ever do. This is your Everest. But you CAN do it, and it will be worth it.

A bath sounds great. FORCE your thoughts off your wife and onto yourself. You have a lot in favor of things going the way you want. She is still living in the marital home. Keep that thought as a base, then let go of the rest for the moment.

Think about your garden. Do the painting. Really, getting engrossed in any simple labor will calm the mind and can beits own meditation. It sounds paradoxical to TRY to relax, but you can do it. Take some dee breaths and get a little excercise, then do work on the house. You will feel a sense of accomplishment and pride that can't be shaken by your wife's whimsy. Don't make her the touchstone for your mood, find your own way.

Now get off the computer and get going!

PS I'm practising the same in my own reconcialtion, and it's working!

[90_hour_sleep]

that part in bold...while it is by far easier said than done...just seems so important when considering the big picture here. it doesn't always consitute a change in the other...but it will drastically alter the way you perceive yourself in all of this.

 

i agree...it sounds like you have so many things working in your favour smileman...and you can attribute that to some hard work and a willingness to listen and explore. keep it up!

 

 

 

just a person dealing with something the only way she knows how...

 

this may not be the most actively constructive bit of wisdom here...but it's hugely important as i see it. in a moment of resentment, this is a great reminder. however she's reacting...try to keep in mind that in all likelihood that reaction is in no way a personal attack against you. it's her way of dealing with the situation. i know how easy it is to take things personally...and how much that can hurt. but if you're able to remember that she's just another person, prone to the same tendencies as the rest of us (as yourself even!), i think that can often have a bit of a disarming effect on the situation. and in a time where there's still tension between you on certain levels, it can be very important to remove yourself as an active contributor to anything that can be perceived as attack.

 

so much balance involved. continue to inspire trust and safety.

 

i also wanted to add a word of encouragement. vigilance. even when you're feeling good about things -- actually, especially when you're feeling good about things -- keep yourself on the proactive track. keep learning. keep finding new ways to deal with situations. sometimes the tendency is to back off of these things when we feel we've progressed. i've noticed that it's often much easier to implement plans and strategies when you're not reacting on an emotional level. so, if you haven't been doing this already...keep yourself on track, especially when you're feeling great. keep your focus. don't give into the temptation of complacency. you know?

 

 

 

we're in your corner.

[smilieman]

Thank you so much for all of your support.

 

But, today things changed. She ran yesterday and moved out again today. I spent the afternoon in tears, distraught, then ... after 6 hours ... I got passionate.

 

I will not accept being treated in this way any longer, especially by somebody who once loved me enough to marry me just one short year ago. I lost my personal power to her and tonight, I got it back.

 

For weeks I have tried the step back approach and it hasn't worked. If it had then she wouldn't have ran again and moved out. I tried to contact her late afternoon and she keeps playing games, not answering her phone and texting by reply an hour later. I told her that I will not play these games any longer, her phone has sound that enables you to hear when it rings and that she needs to ring me to talk, rather than text. She replies by text saying that she doesn't want to talk today and to talk tomorrow, I respond re-itterating that I will not play text games, and for her to ring me. Eventually she did and she was angry - tough! So am I.

 

I wanted to kill myself today and I wondered when the pain that I was feeling would stop. I was scared to stop talking with people on the phone, just in case I took an overdose. I cried more today than the first time she left - the tablets sitting by my side ready to "pop". I kept thinking, "Once I've taken them, I can't untake them".

 

Although she wanted to meet on Monday, she couldn't say for definite if she would. I re-iterated again that I was not playing these games any longer and she said we would meet on monday and as such we would meet. She told me to ring in the morning.

 

I drove home and she called wanting to meet tonight after all. So we did and I told her straight that I was not playing games any more and this was what she was doing. She said she wasn't, so I elaborated ----> Keeping ego in check all the way. I told her that she was playing games exactly like somebody else had done that we both know. "I'm nothing like her", she said in disgust. "Maybe not", I reply, "but you are playing exactly the same games as she used to play".

 

I told her that she needs to make her mind up as I might as well grieve for something solid, rather than waste my time grieving for something that may happen in the future. Told her she keeps running away. "No I don't", she said. Again, I elaborate so she can see what she is doing.

 

I got everything off my chest, did not push, wasn't needy and was extremelly passionate about us. I haven't tried this route, but have decided that if I haven't heard anything by the end of the weekend, then I shall consult with a lawyer with regards to divorce. I think that if she can't be bothered to sort this stuff, then she doesn't love me anyway and should never have agreed to marry me in the first place. If she decides at a later stage that she does love me after all, then it's something that she will have to work through herself, which shouldn't be hard seeing as how cold she is right now anyway.

 

I'm exhausted and have totally had enough now. I will not be treated in this way any further. Let's see if I still feel this way tomorrow. I'm angry inside, frustrated and tired. perhaps this has been enough to make a difference - I've come out fighting. I said to her, "Do I think that you are worth fighting for? Yes, I do".

 

At all times I was respectful and kept ego in check. I was passionate about what I was saying and challenged anything that I didn't think was right. I spoke about everything that related to the way our relationship had turned out - I hope it was enough, if not, then so be it.

 

Thanks again,

~ S

[DN]

Keep being tough. It's the best way with someone like this.

[Tired Tiger]

Hey smilieman. Sorry you're having a rough go of it. Welcome to the roller coaster.

 

You describe your emotions through this recent event as distraught, passionate, suicidal and exhausted. Completely understandable, but take a step back and think for a moment - does reacting and engaging her during these emotional extremes ultimately produce any positive effect? It's easy to become frustrated with the "step back" approach, as if it's "not working", but that's just our need for instant gratification at work. Stepping back diffuses the immediate conflict and allows you the time to collect your emotions and thoughts, which will lead to a much more productive way to express yourself than the reactionary things.

 

As has been mentioned many times before, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It's also not linear (as you're learning).

[smilieman]

T.Tiger: Taking a step back hasn't helped. She has lied to me about staying at her work collegues. She wasn't staying there really and now I have found out that she is renting somewhere near where she works.

 

We arranged to meet so she could tell me the "Truth".

 

I was firm last night and I was firm this morning - actually, I was angry. Did it produce a positive response - I think so. She has now started to talk with me and we have arranged to meet in a couple of days to continue talking.

 

Just caved in again. I called her (on no contact now), and suggested that maybe she should come and collect the rest of her things, as I really couldn't do this any more. This wasn't a bluff, I don't feel that I can - it's taking more out of me than I ever thought possible. She started to cry and asked what had changed. I told her that she was playing games with me and messing me around and that I'm finding it hard to accept that she is renting somewhere and has lied to me so easily. She said she done this to protect me. The fact is that it hasn't and the lies have made things much much worse. I am now in two minds about whether I want this relationship. I told her this also.

 

We spoke a little more and then agreed to stick with our compromise arrangement of meeting mid-week.

 

Not sure how long I can do this for, I'm really starting to crack and getting fed up with this whole things now, as things appear to have got worse and I've done my strategy to the letter.

 

Thanks for being there and listening...

 

~ S

[nattpanter]

Smileman, you have reached the limit we spoke of... I think it is obvious you need time now. If anything should happen it`s because of her actions and change of behaviour. She is the one who need to convince you, show effort and help you mend the wounds she made in you and recreate trust. The tables have changed. I`ve always felt that would be right for the situation, but I knew it had to get worse before you reach that feeling. I know all the effort you have put into this, it`s worth something back...or worth another woman who would appreachiate you!

 

Stay strong...If there is true love she will show it by changing. If not, start walking...

[Tired Tiger]

I understand how you perceive stepping back as not helping, but that may only be from the perspective of changing her current behavior. The goal with that is to collect your own thoughts and make better decisions for yourself. In essence, it has helped, as it's brought you to the necessary point of defining boundaries for yourself. In fact, it's brought you to the point of realizing you actually need a much bigger step back. Don't second guess that - it's the next logical progression.

 

When you do meet up and have this next 'big talk', it's not necessary to unload an epic apocalypse on her. You can calmly and firmly define a separation without resentment, talk of lawyers, or unnecessary negativity. You're simply letting her know that you're letting her go and focusing on yourself. That, alone, will be a boatload for her to process. Stay calm. Stay confident. And do NOT let her redefine what this separation means - as in, being "friends" or "dating" once in a while. You guys need a significant separation at this point - measured in months. I know that's scary, but it will be far better than what you've been going through, trust me.

[smilieman]

Nattpanter: I'm still in 2 minds about it and can't see where to go from here, but I'm getting to breaking point now. Funny enough, she just sent me a text saying that she's taking the rest of the day off work as she didn't fancy going in today. Don't know why she done that. We needed to talk again about the house. Received a phone call from the lender that needed urgent attention - like today! So I had to call her. To my surprise she answered! Had a chat a about it and then started a short conversation about her having the day off. She asked me how I was and I said I'm mixed up. Told her that all I keep thinking was to make it easier for both of us and just walking away from the relationship for good. She's coming round in the morning for a cuppa while she is in the area to sort house stuff out and find paperwork. I won't talk about stuff like this then, unless she says does. Otherwise I shall leave it to the next day when we have arranged to meet.

 

Thanks for you kind words, they mean a lot (even brought a tear to my eye that someone cares).

~ S

[smilieman]

TT: I never thought that this type of thing would happen in this relationship. I suppose nobody does. Perhaps I should look for a job abroad for a few months, giving us both the time that we need and solving 2 problems at the same time.

 

I'm still mixed up at the moment. Part of me wants to fix things and talk, another part doesn't as I see that she has left and renting a place.

 

Confusing. Totally confusing.

[DN]

If she has gone so far as to rent somewhere else then it's over and the sooner you can get her and her things out of your life so you can move on the better.

[smilieman]

If she has gone so far as to rent somewhere else then it's over and the sooner you can get her and her things out of your life so you can move on the better.

 

Bit harsh there DN. She's renting a room on a week-by-week basis, in a shared house. Apparently it's only supposed to be a temporary thing.

[DN]

OK - but I am not sure what she has to do to show you that she simply isn't into this relationship in a way that a loving partner should be. I know you love her and you think anyone who doesn't thnk this relationship is going to work is harsh. But you are clearly not happy - at what point do you say "I am done being unhappy - this is over"?

[smilieman]

DN: Your views are right, I know. I'm not happy because our relationship has hit a problem - of course I'm not. Neither is she. In a way, I'm glad that she is renting a room and on her own to think, as before she has stayed with friends, had people around her and gone out a lot. Using hindsight and looking back to this mornings meet-up with her, this is the first time since the beginning of April that she has started to talk about things. We are meeting tomorrow for a cup of tea at home to go through some paperwork that needs attention and we have planned to meet up on Wednesday Evening for a while to continue our discussion from this morning. Surely this is progress? This is the first time we are having these types of conversations.

 

I was weak a short while ago and text her saying "Come Home Darling, where I know you're safe. We can work through this."

 

I spoke to a "caring professional" just now and from a female point of view, she said that she would be annoyed if she had asked for space and keep being contacted. She also said that only another female would understand the need for space and that us blokes wouldn't. This is comforting for me, as I knew that I needed to NC anyway. It's just helped me to get back on track. I hope I'm allowed to stray off course once or twice

 

Not sure about what stage I say I've had enough, to be honest I don't think that it's too far away, but at least conversation has started - at long, long last.

 

Thanks. It does help talking to you guys - whatever your opinons!!

 

~ S

[DN]

She's not much of a professional if she thinks along gender lines rather than treating people as individuals.

 

Anyway, good luck with this. I hope it all works out for you.

[Janeiac]

. . .I called her (on no contact now), and suggested that maybe she should come and collect the rest of her things, as I really couldn't do this any more. This wasn't a bluff, I don't feel that I can - it's taking more out of me than I ever thought possible. She started to cry and asked what had changed. . . .~ S

 

I think you've overlooked something signifigant here. When you showed her you might be fine with her moving out, she took notice!

Do this some more. Stay calm, help her pack, don't engage, start moving on YOURSELF and taking care of YOURSELF and see if this moves her.

If it doesn't, you'll still be better off because you will have begun the process of healing.

[smilieman]

I think you've overlooked something signifigant here. When you showed her you might be fine with her moving out, she took notice!

I did miss this, you're right. It's so easy to overlook things when you're in the middle of it. I don't want to keep threatening though, as it will get boring. I've been thinking just now in the bath about what DN said. How long can I go on like this (see DN, I do listen! ). I've only had a few relationships and I've always allowed myself to be walked over. I don't think I'm prepared to allow this to happen this time. For all these years this relationship has had it's struggles with outside influences, such as my wife's serious illness, termination because of the drugs, me losing my job and finding it hard to get back into work, and all the money worries and effects of anti-depressants. This has all taken it's toll. I thought we were building a life together along with trust and honesty - two of the major things that have now been brought into question.

 

I think that I'm prepared to see what Wednesday's discussions will bring and if nothing seems to be happening then maybe I need to make the ultimate decision myself. It could be better for both of us if nothing changes by the end of the weekend. This has gone on too long now and it's been game playing, lies, inconsideration and dishonety all the way through - all of the traits that I really despise.

 

Will do some more thinking and see what I come up with.

 

Thank you

~ S

[smilieman]

I've been speaking with another person tonight, who referred me to "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus", in an attempt to help me understand that my wife needs space to sort her head out from all the issues and worries that we have been experiencing over the past few years. Apparently it has nothing to do with making a decision one way or the other, which also echoes what my wife told me this morning when I said that it seems like she's gone away for a while to make a decision and she'll come back and say that she wants it or not. "It's not like that", she told me. I couldn't understand. This is now the second female to tell me this, do I listen to them? My wife also said, "I've never said that I'm not coming back". The question is, will she? and what is that supposed to mean. Is it meant to keep me hanging on? I forgot that she also commented on the "new me" and said that she had noticed that I had changed and whether it was just because it was a last resort thing, or if it was lasting. Apparently she did not recognise me - is this a good thing I wonder? After all, it's still me and I do slip back into the needy, depressed me occasionally. Especially today. But I'm holding that part back now.

 

I'm confused tonight. The woman I love and trust has lied and decieved me so easily, straight to my face. I read about others going through the same process and they have split, in almost all cases. I wonder if it's wrong to hope at all.

 

I have downloaded the audio book and will listen to see if that makes sense - it's faster than reading. One thing is for sure tonight, I shall not be making any decisions one way or the other. I feel so mixed up and will need to wait a while and maybe get some sleep, before I make any rash decisions that could close one too many doors. My intention is to keep as many doors open as possible and even create new ones. Not at all out of desperation, but out of love for my wife, my sweetheart. I think that she is lost and it kills me to know this. I can see the confusion in her eyes, but at the same time those beautiful blue eyes have looked me straight in the eye and lied!

 

No decisions tonight, no texting, no calling and probably no sleep.

[Janeiac]

As much as it pains you and seems inconsistent she may not be overtly lying so much as being confused and overwhelmed. As you have seen, working on yourself and acting ok with the breakup or whatever she does is having positve results. Keep doing that.

Stop focusing on her for the moment (we know that is your real priority, just for a moment) and take care of yourself, your house, and your mood.

 

Support whatever she says or does (for the moment, ok? Not forever) and let things calm down.

 

If she is telling you she needs space, maybe she really does need space. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you and that she wants to throw away 8-9 years of a relationship.

 

Relax, for a moment. You've done excellent work. You must be patient, for the moment, and let the results unfold.

 

Whichever way it goes, you can come out the other side a whole, happy, and healthy person-- but ONLY if you focus on yourself and what you need.

 

You don't have to let her walk on you, and you don't have to get angry and push her away. Just let it be, for now, and concentrate on YOURSELF. For now.

 

You can do this.

[smilieman]

Janeiac: Thank you. I am just about to go to bed and your words and advice has settled my mind. Things do need to calm down. I have been focusing on me now for weeks and I've noticed such an improvement in my mood and the way that I feel about myself. By my wife telling me that the way I am seems "alien" and different from what it ever was shocked me really. Not sure if it was a complement or not. Her moving out, again, knocked me back to my starting point for last time. I;ve bounced back quicker this time, probably because I'm angry too.

 

I'm seeing her in the morning for a while and Wednesday - I will let it be. I think that I've said my bit now, for a while, she knows how I feel about the lies and about how she's treated me and things have changed - again.

 

She sent me a text saying "nite x". I replied with a similar message - nothing else. Again, a change,

 

I have found that living half hour at a time, helps me through the panics. Strange I know. But I do one thing for half an hour, then change for the next half hour. Housework, exercise, walking, job hunting. I am finding this is working fairly well.

 

For the first time since Saturday, I think I can do this, wherever it takes me!

[DN]

That book is mostly nonsense and the clue is in the title.