smilieman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 DN: Mmm, listened to the audio book last night, didn't help. Woke up in a terrible state this morning. My wife is coming around for a short while (1 1/2 hours time) and I'm not sure how to handle her leaving again. I don't want to come accross needy, or desperate, but I know that after she walks out of the door I will be in pieces. Today is not the time to talk about us, as she has to go back to work. We have arranged to meet tomorrow after work to talk more, but I'm worried that she will cancel this as she has seen me today instead. This won't let us talk through things. I'm guessing. I don't know what will happen. It's this guessing that is killing me. I don't feel like I have the strength for any of this. Don't know how to act or what to do. I've dug deep for so long now and I'm tired. Link to comment
Janeiac Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 smilieman, hang tough. You can do this. Keep your focus on your own stuff. Think about simple chores around the house, the garden, whatever you can easily define as a task. You can't define what's going on inside your wife's head; guessing is only making you upset. Stop upsetting yourself! It's like that silly old joke: a guy goes to his doctor and says, it hurts when I do THIS and he puts his arm up. The doctor says, well, don't do that! Stop putting your arm up! Link to comment
smilieman Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 It's like that silly old joke: a guy goes to his doctor and says, it hurts when I do THIS and he puts his arm up. The doctor says, well, don't do that! Stop putting your arm up! Oh Janeiac! You did make me laugh! Things are looking up though. She came round and went back to work and everything was fine, this was to sort money stuff that needed urgent attention and we kept to that. Link to comment
smilieman Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Well, My wife came round for dinner and the continuation of our 'emotional' chat last night, as we had arranged on Monday. I cooked (she mashed the spuds) and we ate dinner chatting about ordinary stuff. Then it was time for serious talks. I done one thing that I haven't really done for a long while, I sat and listened. I said "Well I've told you how I feel, so I need to know what you are feeling and what you think is going on". Then, I shut up! She told me that although she wasn't enjoying being on her own, she has had time to think about things. She told me how she felt overwhelmed with all of the stress with money, my job and the effects of my anti-depressants (which I gave up for lent!). That together with a lot of stress at work made her feel like there was no clear way forward. She said that she had missed me this time, because she had been on her own and not with friends like last time. She told me that living on her own felt lonely. This is the first time ever that she has actually lived on her own and I think it's a new experience for her. Anyway, we spoke about bits and bobs, me just stimulating the conversation and then listening again. Then she said that she wanted our relationship and marriage to work and that she wanted to come back home. I asked her when she was thinking about doing that. She told me that she was thinking of coming home this weekend, which I told her that I had a problem with. I told her that I needed to be sure that she was sure and I didn't know how I would know that. It had only been a couple of days since she had left, so this was all a bit too quick for me. I suggested that maybe she stayed on a bit longer and that we went out on a couple of dates, in order to bring a bit more lightness into the relationship. I said that although all this stuff needs to be spoken about properly, now that it's been brought to the fore, I thought that it was more important to lighten the mood and start to bring the spark back into the relationship by learning about each other again. She thought that would be a good idea. Then, I got a bit serious again and told her that when she did come home, then that would be the last time. If she left again, then I would end the relationship myself. I mean this - wholeheartedly, as if she did leave again it would prove that she really didn't want to be with me. I then also said that as soon as she feels like she's getting overwhelmed again, or is annoyed by something that I have done or said, then she must talk to me immediately. So, afterwards, she came and gave me a cuddle for 5 minutes or so, then she left. During the entire evening, she was more or less her old self. It's amazing really, as I haven't actually seen this side of her for a while now - quite a while. We have arranged to go out for a drink on Friday evening and then go out on Sunday, both to just enjoy each others company and get to know each other again, bringing back that flirty, fun stuff that has been missing for such a long time, due to all the worries over the past few years. I must admit, I am looking forward to going on a 'date' again - it's quite exciting. But, I must be sure that she is ready to come back, because it seems all to easy for her to turn and run. Only time will tell. Link to comment
Rewindourlife Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Thank you for this. I am waiting to speak with my partner and found your words and everybody's advice to be good perspective. I wish you and your wife the very best. Keep strong and happy. Link to comment
smilieman Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Rewindeourlife Thank you for your good wishes. These are tough times for all who are going through a similar thing. I have found this journey extremely exhausting, yet it is far from over. I said near the beginning that I would keep my story updated, so that it may be of benefit to others. I am so glad it has helped you gain a different perspective. During these times, I have continually educated myself - even when I didn't feel up to it - using the help of people on this forum, link removed & a guy called Mort Fertel (not sure if that's a real name, but hey!). Using all of this information, together with speaking with others, it has given me encouragement. I am familiar with NLP and one of the main areas of this is to "increase choices". The more choices you have, the more flexible you can be and according to NLP, it's the person with the most flexibility that will have the best chance of achieving what they set out to achieve. I hope that things work out for you. Keep in touch. ~ S Link to comment
smilieman Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Ok, I've been a bit quiet. I've posted a thread in marriage forum here . I'm afraid that it's starting all again. After such a good few months and me finding a temporary contract, I was a fool. I came accross all insecure and my wife is now exhibiting the same type of behaviour that she did before we broke up and when she came back the second time. She says nothing and just grunts when I say anything, unless it's a question. I have apologised for following her just the once and told her that I needed to out my mind to rest once and for all, which it did, but then it's made things worse with us. We only went on holiday about 5 weeks ago and it was like we had never split up - it was great. Since we've been back though she's been a bit distant. I didn't know how I can turn this around again. Do I do a 180 again, or do I just carry on as if we we ok. Any advice would be appreciated! I really didn't think that it would come to this again. It's been hard work all this time and I think that now it's going to get harder. Thanks in advance ~ S Link to comment
dabbledave Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Hi Smilie, Work on your communication skills. Since my break-up I got a lot of insight from listening to the simple, compassionate, and sensible advice of Thich Nhat Hanh on how to communicate with loving kindness -- insight I wish I had before break up! I downloaded audio files of Thich giving dhamma talks as well as audio versions of books he has written. What you don't want to do is carry on as if it's all going okay, because clearly it isn't. Good luck! DD Link to comment
smilieman Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 Hi Dabble, thanks for replying. I agree with you that there is a communication issue here, there always has been since all this happened - hot before, but it's not me that has the comminucation issue (I don't think). My wife doesn't talk about anything other than work. When she perceives that there is a problem with us, she says nothing, despite the agreement when she returned home that she would talk if there were issues. So are there issues that she isn't talking with me about and therefore remaining silent (going against our agreement), or as far as she is concerned is everthing going well and she is just being quiet, as people have the right to be? Your guess is as good as mine. If she's pushed to talk, she tends to get quieter. I have had a quick look on Thich Nhat Hanh website and dubbed videos on blip tv, is there a particular one that you would recommend? ~ S Link to comment
dabbledave Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 Hi S, See if you can download his dhamma talk entitled 'Being Love'. It's not very long and is perhaps something both you and your wife can listen to both individually and together. DD Link to comment
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