When do men miss their exes?

[WestWing]

I'm talking about the dumper men. When do they miss their exes? And why? Give me some positive and negative examples.

 

When the story with the person they left you for crashes. It use to happen between 3 and 6 months after the break up if you didn't contact them.

[rapunzel]

I would agree that dumper men may miss their exes after a long period of No Contact and when they learn that the grass is not exactly greener. It's just different. They think they can find someone better or that they have found someone better and it doesn't always work out.

 

If one is in contact with a male ex, as I am sporadically but regularly for work, my educated guess is that they miss you and want you when you have fallen for someone else and are no longer interested in them.

[SoulSilver]

Are we talking about when a guy broke up with their girl? if so , I was in this spot once , a long time ago . and what made me miss her was realizing love isn't easy to find . and that I did what I did out of the depression I was in and not out of a clear mind . but while these things came naturally by keeping on with my life . the thing that got me to actually try and get back with her , was that I was sure she waits around for me and I could get her in a snap of a finger so I didn't worry at first . but the moment she said no to me and became cold to me . and I saw her moving on with her life - looking better , going out , flirting with guys . this is when I realized i lost her - and how I treated her badly . so I did anything I could to get another chance .

 

but this really depends on the girl . I only wanted her back because I appriciated how she really loved me and always fought for me (even though I was a scumbag) she was super clingy , desperate , needy , jelaous , etc ... which is why I broke up with her .

 

No contact is USELESS if the reason for the breakup was lack of effort , affection , or care from the girl . just makes it worse and makes you realize it was a good decision .

[skheehee]

What if it was the other way round? When do girls, or should I say, WOMEN, miss their exes? And as pointed out by some posters here, missing them does not necessarily mean that they want to get back together. I learnt this the hard way, after learning that she led me on and got together with another guy about a month after the breakup, and after 3 failed attempts at NC, I dug my feet into the ground and have gone almost a month of NC.

 

How do you differentiate individual scenarios and assess the likelihood of reconciliation based on the personalities/maturity of the people involved?

[cupcake22]

It's not that simple and straightforward... When they break up with you, then yes. You miss that person initially but then move on and you are done. Life for the dumper is not so simple. They realize the pasture is not greener and then they start missing you. Initially they are relieved, but then nostalgia kicks in.

 

This is not a tricky qurpestion, and the pattern on behavour is not tricky, only if you have been both, a dumper and a dumpee...

 

I hate that because I was the one who actually left the unhealthy relationship, I'm the "bad guy" even though we both had screw ups.

[Sportster2005]

It's not that simple and straightforward... When they break up with you, then yes. You miss that person initially but then move on and you are done. Life for the dumper is not so simple. They realize the pasture is not greener and then they start missing you. Initially they are relieved, but then nostalgia kicks in.

 

This is not a tricky qurpestion, and the pattern on behavour is not tricky, only if you have been both, a dumper and a dumpee...

 

Milestones and missed anniversaries do cause some nostalgia. And yes I have missed them during these times. Very recent as a matter of fact. You bring up a good point. However, if you could graph this out those times would be blips. The trend is as more time that passes you miss them less. I hate the feeling of pining for someone when they are gone. So I try my best not to, and move on.

 

I'm not suggesting missing someone is easy and straightforward. But when I think of the original question both from a dumper and dumpee perspective I miss them very much initially. But as time passes that eases. You can't or shouldn't try to hold on. You can delay healing by not accepting the finality of the end of a relationship. As far as the grass is greener argument, I think that's probably more guilt and regret than missing someone. There had to be good reasons someone in a relationship wants to leave because they are not finding fulfillment in their current relationship.

 

I could be wrong, and I'm O.K. with that

[Lonewing]

I was missing my Ex weeks before we broke up, because she wasn't around as often or putting as much effort into the relationship. It was rough.

 

When they're done, they don't miss you.

[sushigirlie]

Interesting perspective and I had never really thought about it like this.

 

Yes, I guess to summarise, The dumpee after the initial hurt gradually heals one way or another wheras the dumper is left with self doubt (in some cases) and often nothing to heal from.

 

I guess this must be even harder for the dumper if it wasn't an acrimonious split and the dumpee professed undying love.

 

Thanks for posting.

 

SB

 

StreetBob, bingo. You nailed it!!! L.

[sushigirlie]

Sportster, you are right in your own right! Things are never black and white is all I am saying. I hate to stereotype, but typically if the relationship was good (no cheating or lying or abuse), then things work the way I described. I think it it is a matter of timing.... Dumpee moves on and dumper gets a delayed reaction to processing things after humping around

 

Then it is a delayed reaction of regret, guilt or whatever you name it. But then the dumpee is really amuned to it and they don't really care much at that point.

 

To your earlier point, one size doesn't fit all. By that I mean I have been a dumper and was relieved initially and subsequently, good riddance When I broke p with bad boyfriends, I have not looked back!

 

But I will be the first one to admit to you that I have been also a dumper where I disposed of good people and later sincerely deeply regretted it. I had time to come back and reflect and realize my mistakes. Karma is a bi&&&ch.

 

I have recently been dumped and I have moved on. So, if my ex came back, it wouldn't matter. Again, a case of bad timing, for him this time , hehe.

 

I have also been dumped in the past as well. I still have two of my exes trying to keep in touch with me after 5 and 7 years after the relationships ran its course. One of them tried to reconcile for the last four years. He dumped me because of the GIGS. But the grass was not only yellow it also had a smelly turd on the other side. So, now he is pining and unfortunately for him it's too late...

 

So , here is my final thought. If a relationship wa bad, full of lies, deceipt and cheating, all bets are off. The victim in the end will move on and will not regret anything... If a relationship was good,then dumpers end up with more regrets long term. They are the ones who always wonder about what ifs and want what they can no longer have. The dumpee has an initial shock when the crashing cart hits them, but then they move on and usually don't look back.

 

One last thing worth mentioning, if a commitment phobe is a dumper. They usually regret the breakup but what makes their reconciliation different is that they usually will ditch you again. When they are in a relationship with you, they don't know if they should be. When they are not with you, they are not sure whether they should have broken up with you. It's a viciuous cycle and it best to steer clear of those people.... L.C.

[sushigirlie]

Hey guys, I know I made a bunch of blanket statements in my post up above, please share your thoughts on whether you agree or disagree, and the reasons, hopefully substantiated with real life experiences. Thanks, L.

[Ferrero]

@heartbroken

 

I think 'pretty good' has given an opinion I agree with. Give him a chance to miss you. He is human, he will miss u, little things will trigger a memory of u. What u can go out there and do now, is to be the best version of you!!! In terms of u career, ur friendships, ur appearance, put all ur effort into that. When u start letting go (I'll tell u how I'm letting go in a bit) and think positively the most amazing things happen to u and ppl are attracted to u bcoz of the positive energy u giving off. A man or woman should never define us. When we enter into a relationship, its because of what we bring, ppl like that and want to share it ppl have to answer for their own wrong doings in life, if we argue because he cheated, that's his problem with the lord (just an example) when we get caught up in that, it destroys everything. Now I know its hard to let go and stop thinking but try being happy for him. Treasure what u shared but move on. NO CONTACT! Even if u are desperate don't show it, bcoz then u give them the power card.

 

Okay now what I did and still do to try and let go (I read this somewhere) imagine u clinging to ur guy with all ur might, like totally wrapped around his leg or what ever, then in ur mind, start unwrapping urself, and u get up from the floor and stand up and look him in the eye. This works for me. Its almost like u giving independence back to ur personality hope I helped a little.

[sushigirlie]

Yes, I completely agree with your advice to let the dumper miss you. Give them the gift of missing you

 

The best and the only thing you can do is dump them back...

[Streetbob]

Yes, I completely agree with your advice to let the dumper miss you. Give them the gift of missing you

 

The best and the only thing you can do is dump them back...

 

 

Sushie.

 

I think the best thing is just forget about them and let them come back, if they are going to come back under their own steam.

I read a lot of threads on here where people are trying to engineer a reconciliation. I think that this is wrong.

 

The dumper MUST want to come back....not be coerced into doing so. That would be disastrous for any chances of developing a solid relationship in the future.

 

If they are going to ASK to be given another chance, so be it. Then it is up to you if you take them back or not (probably not in my case).

 

SB

[Monkey ai]

intersting subject, and I think we just need accept the fact that he have left us, if they come back - it will be great, otherwise we need move on!!!!!

 

from my expreience for those comeback to me when I never expectated, so we have to let it go...

 

years ago I have broke up with my EX due to he is confused and moving away, I have moved on and had a new BF, after 6 mo in the relationship, it was fun relationship, but somehow my ex keep pop to my mind, and sametime I noticed my ex calling me more often too... after he invited meto his country, and he is told me he is in love with me, and want be with me...

[Tearsbegone]

My ex doesn't miss me at all. He doesn't think of memories or anything like that and he actually did find someone better within a few months- kinda unbelievable how it all worked out perfect for him.

[Monkey ai]

I think it some point that he will thinking of you, but not means that he want to be back.... anyway- we need move on not llok back!

[aphrodite12]

what if you were the first one to break up without meaning to, then begged him back the next day but he said he needs to think about it and a week later he said he doesn't want to try anymore? Who is the dumper and dumpee here? And who should be the first to break NC?

[mhowe]

what if you were the first one to break up without meaning to, then begged him back the next day but he said he needs to think about it and a week later he said he doesn't want to try anymore? Who is the dumper and dumpee here? And who should be the first to break NC?

 

You broke up with him. You dumped him.

 

Neither should worry about NC. You broke up w/ him, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. So --- you stay broken up.

[Lightning87]

Twice my ex broke up with me, twice he came back. This will be our third break up, no way am I going there again. It's a vicious circle.

 

I have been in two serious relationships and dumped both times (something wrong with me maybe...haha) but both times my ex has come back. My ex of 6 years, I know, still wants me back.

 

If they break up with you, accept it and go NC. They will think you are moving on and then will start to doubt their decision...thus starting to miss you perhaps. Not always, but I think it works like this a lot of the time.

[jd02]

Totally agree. I think if I dumped someone and they accepted it and acted like they were moving on I'd be thinking over time, have I done the right thing here. Constant contact lets the dumper know you're available, and they relax and perhaps take you for granted knowing you're their safety net. Which in turn won't make them miss you.

[Cajira]

After a good amount of time had passed (I don't want to go into detail) I started thinking about her. What was she doing? Who was she with? How was she?

 

I was wondering how long it took you to miss her?

 

I did eventually go back to her only to be rejected and figure out she was seeing someone else. I know it's some what of a sad story but I have done all I can to make it work, but she had already moved on by then.

 

And how long until you finally decided to make contact with her?

[DaisyHope]

Bumping this...

[luxurylover]

To answer the original thread; I honestly feel it depends on the individuals involved and the reason for the breakup, and the quality of the relationship...and maybe other factors too. I would think that's true for men and women alike. I feel that missing someone is caused by complex factors that are different for everyone. I've read a lot of comments that say 'when you start moving on is when the dumper misses u'. For me, when someone starts to move on is when I stop missing them as much because it starts a sort of closure in my mind. When the person hangs around , or contacts me here and there is when I find myself missing them more. But everyone's different (for example).

[Lucha]

Totally agree. I think if I dumped someone and they accepted it and acted like they were moving on I'd be thinking over time, have I done the right thing here. Constant contact lets the dumper know you're available, and they relax and perhaps take you for granted knowing you're their safety net. Which in turn won't make them miss you.

 

I don't agree. IMO, when I am the dumper I do not miss the person. Think about the person yes, but missing no. Same goes for when you do miss someone, it doesnt matter if they keep in touch or dont. The old go no contact bc theyll miss ya quote is not true.

 

 

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[Lonewing]

Once you break up with someone, you break that sacred circle of intimate trust between you and your partner that said "I will never leave you." Once it's been done, there's nothing to go back to, only something to move forward towards. Most often, moving forward means never talking to that person who broke up with you again.