When do men miss their exes?

[Heidi90]

Yeah I know exactly what you mean! Mine told me just last week he still loves me and wants us to still be friends but that he doesn't think we can be together right now. Very frustrating Obviously I turned down his offer of friendship, which he cried at so he obviously still cares. So, back to healing for me I guess!

[NCforME]

I feel you. I got the same thing. We never fought and I don't hate her and I still see the good in her but I also see more of the weakness now. But, I would never hate or disrespect my ex. I still think she is good person.

[Kailynn]

I feel you. I got the same thing. We never fought and I don't hate her and I still see the good in her but I also see more of the weakness now. But, I would never hate or disrespect my ex. I still think she is good person.

 

I always acknowleged my ex's weakness inside our relationship however, I never once pretended that I was perfect. I equally took the blame for our issues and he did as well. There's no doubt that I had more of a hand in it however, not because I was the dumpee but, because I genuniely wanted the same things he did that we just weren't getting right then. I had become VERY dependent on him because he made me happy, made me feel like he loved me more than life itself. I'm still convinced he does however, I took advantage of that because I had never gotten it before. Out of fear of pushing him away he said I lacked effort. I hurt him emotionally and that will take time to fix. At this point he knows he means everything to me and I would hope that after 2 years together he'd be willing to work on things especially since our entire futures involved each other. We'll see how things go, for now I'm respecting his space. Loving from afar I suppose lol

[Heidi90]

It's actually scary how similar our stories are

[Kailynn]

It's actually scary how similar our stories are

 

Are you secretly my ex boyfriend? Kidding!

 

There's a lot that goes into mine, that was just the short summary. Roughly though, I had an ex who dumped me on my butt after an "incident" with a man at my workplace. He took advantage of me and ALL I wanted at the time was someone to tell me it'd be okay. Instead, I got kicked on my ass and he moved away to pursue other "interests" in North Dakota. For almost a year I was in counseling and worked on myself. He would still call and text me rude messages about sex or his desire for me. Eventually, met my most recent ex who I had planned to marry. Unfortunately, I had given SO much to my pervious ex and got nothing in return because too much "affection" or "effort" pushed him away. I figured if I held back I wouldn't scare the best thing to ever happen to me. For a while it was alright but, eventually I was unhappy for not being able to provide for him and he was expecting more. By the time we really figured this out we were breaking up. I wanted things to change just as much as he did and I don't think they ever would have without our break up. Now, I'm just hoping that I get a chance to really be who I want to be an not worry about the one boyfriend I had who ruined me. I've finally let his crap go and I couldn't feel any better about it.

[jjoannejj]

Hi, thank you so much for this post! If I didn't know any better I thought my ex wrote this! Like you, we too had a near perfect relationship for 8 months. We never fought, had so much in common, our families loved us, etc. I always allowed him to initiate the heavy stuff such as "I Love You", "You are my True Love", "We are going to be married someday", etc because I didn't want to freak him out or scare him away. Anyway, out of the blue he broke up with be because he said he too felt different even though we just celebrated our anniversary with the most heart felt letter he's ever written and the day before we exchanged hugs, kisses and I love You. I love him so much. Do you think I should wait for him? We have only spoke briefly in the past 4 months. The last time we spoke he actually sounded happy to hear from me but I am the one to initiate the contact. My mom thinks that maybe he's ashamed of what he did and that's why he doesn't reach out to me. What do you think? Should I continue to reach out to him? Should I tell him how "I" feel? Again, thank you for posting...it really made me feel better about myself. I hope you are doing well!

[carrie8484]

Very interesting post. My ex is texting me random chatter at the moment which I am only loosly responding to because I know he is just being friendly. But he obviously misses that part of our relationship - the contact and conversation. The reason I am responding a little (not to every text) Is because I dont want to come accross as a * * * * * * and appear all bitter, I think in a way my loose response I showing him that am moving on (in reality I am pining for him and want him back). My current dilemma is that I don't want him to think being friends is OK (because I want him back).

With my ex ex, after I begged him to come back for around 6 weeks, with no luck whatsoever (surprise surprise) it was only when I started to drop contact with him and start going out more with friends that he came back. He found it intriguing that I had been begging him for weeks then suddenly I was no longer interested (I was, but I was exhausted and knewmy tactic wasnt working)

We got back together after 2.5 months of being seperated, lasted for a year until we both finished Uni and I moved back home

[Nick Lansing]

I've only been the dumper once. We hung out for another month or so and all was good. No regrets because I still got to see her, occasionally sleep w/ her, etc.

 

then she went complete NC on me. I played the field and enjoyed being single for a month. Then it hit me: I missed her. Why wasn't she returning my calls? Finally we spoke. She was cold. She'd met someone else. Cue three months of depression...

 

I'd say it takes at least a few weeks for missing someone to eclipse the giddiness at being free. But it's only when you feel the dumpee has moved on that it REALLY kicks in.

[jackofall]

I've only been the dumper once. We hung out for another month or so and all was good. No regrets because I still got to see her, occasionally sleep w/ her, etc.

 

then she went complete NC on me. I played the field and enjoyed being single for a month. Then it hit me: I missed her. Why wasn't she returning my calls? Finally we spoke. She was cold. She'd met someone else. Cue three months of depression...

 

I'd say it takes at least a few weeks for missing someone to eclipse the giddiness at being free. But it's only when you feel the dumpee has moved on that it REALLY kicks in.

 

I hear that man. I layed out my whole story here a few days ago. 2+ years of dating, supposedly mutual breakup, 6 months of freedom for me, I always kinda thought I had her on a string. I bear my soul, "I think we have a future together", the whole bit. She's "kinda seeing" someone else and is happy where she's at. So she's got another guy in the works and supposedly through the grape vine I really hurt her when we broke up (unbeknownst to me of course).

 

Really sucks but you can't change her mind so whatever. I know in my head and my heart that with a few simple tweaks and both of us trying a little harder we could have everything, but I've said my peace. Now I'm in the friend/NIC zone and rapidly approaching the possibility of dropping the NC bomb on her. What else can ya do? The good thing is this whole time I've been losing weight, playing sports again, and trying to string together my weeks with jogging when I'm not playing an actual game. I look better, which is good because she's lost weight as well haha. All you can do is give it time and eventually you'll remember that you can indeed be happy by yourself.

[curious987]

My ex boyfriend currently wants me back. He says he loves me, misses me, misses what we had and only wants to be with me. It's like all my prayers have literally been answered haha

 

We are not together....yet. I told him I want him to be 100% that its what he wants, and that we will have to take it slowly. He is prepared to do that

We have both established what needs to be changed. COMMUNICATION!

 

We broke up 11 weeks ago. So thats how long it took! We were together for 1.5 years and unofficially dating for a year before.

 

Another thing....our break up didn't end very well. There was resentment on his part. We never sat down and talked about the break up. We both hooked up with other people, went out with friends, had fun. I had periods of NC. I blocked him on facebook for a couple weeks. He didn't make any major contact with me. I NEVER initiated ANYTHING with him. Never went to see him, never text him, never called him. Nothing. It hurt, but what would have hurt more is the constant rejection I knew I would have gotten everytime I tried to be close with him.

 

Sure, I told him that I still loved him. I never said 'I want you back' or anything like that. I didn't need to. It was just today that he said "You're the perfect girl for me."

[obx]

hey everybody - I was wondering this question too. I tried to do no contact for the first month..but couldnt resist texting for the first month off and on (which he always wrote back bit never initiated or kept it going..ugh) and talked once on the phone for 20 min. But once the 2nd month came i started no contact (so now almost another month!) but havent heard a word from him and i havent said anything to him. I know this is what is neded..it is hard..but i know he is with someone (who he started taking to when we were together and that is why this breakup even happened!!

 

That makes this whole thing hurt even more. He is with the girl he set up to meet while still with me. most of the tim, I think im doing ok..bc im tryin to be strong and optimistic..might meet someone great..working on myself..but im scared i might lose that and spriral downward. I am not totally surprised that he hasnt talked to me but i wonder if he will at some point..maybe soon or later. I dont even know what i would say or do..I mean he is with this girl now..I dont want to be his consolation prize if it doesnt work out..which by the way my imagination has thought that it is going great and they will get married by dec..ugh. But I would be willing to talk to him..maybe see each other..maybe get closure (bc i never did or got a real explanation!)

 

*so main question is - bc i think this post was answered about what guys might do that dumped a girl but didnt move on/still single/casually dating.....but

*will a guy contact the dumpee if they are with someone already/in a relationship/maybe "moved on" ..or should i just plan on never hearing from him again? am i making him miss me now..wonder what im doing..i have no idea...and dont think im holding my breath or even want to take him back..im just curious...very curious...

 

not knowing anything is the worst...and your imagination can be your worst enemy!

 

any male insight or familiar situations??

[jjoannejj]

Hi, thank you so much for this post! If I didn't know any better I thought my ex wrote this! Like you, we too had a near perfect relationship for 8 months. We never fought, had so much in common, our families loved us, etc. I always allowed him to initiate the heavy stuff such as "I Love You", "You are my True Love", "We are going to be married someday", etc because I didn't want to freak him out or scare him away. Anyway, out of the blue he broke up with be because he said he too felt different even though we just celebrated our anniversary with the most heart felt letter he's ever written and the day before we exchanged hugs, kisses and I love You. I love him so much. Do you think I should wait for him? We have only spoke briefly in the past 4 months. The last time we spoke he actually sounded happy to hear from me but I am the one to initiate the contact. My mom thinks that maybe he's ashamed of what he did and that's why he doesn't reach out to me. What do you think? Should I continue to reach out to him? Should I tell him how "I" feel? Again, thank you for posting...it really made me feel better about myself. I hope you are doing well!

[magnoliatree]

In my experience, they start missing you when you stop caring. Ha.

[aliciakirwin]

I just recently when through a breakup. I'm a teenager and my "ex" left to go to summer college a while ago... It was kind of like long-distance but we couldn't even last a week. He finally just dumped me for being clingy... The weird thing is this happened last summer too. I left for the whole summer last year and he went to Chicago for s short time during the summer. While he was in Chicago, he ignored calls and texts and accused me of "taking him away from fun" (which is what he said this time too) then he dumped me. And i told him, "you know, we'll get right back together when we both get back." He said "no, we won't. i'm seriously done." but we did even though it took about a month. The same thing happened and i said the same thing and so did he. he kept saying "i didn't break up with you. i just said i needed space" but he also keeps saying "but when i get back, i want to be friends" THEN HE IS DUMPING ME?! it's so confusing... he never cheats on me when we break up but i want to know... is this a repeat of last year? will he miss me once he comes back and realize he needs me?

[Pleasedonot5]

Alicia,

 

The biggest clue here is that it happened twice. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." This guy obviously is going to bail everytime a slight obstacle (such as distance) is present in your relationship. As you're a teenager, I would start looking in other places for the things that you thought you both were. You want someone whom is willing to fight for you, and not bail on you everytime he would need to work to keep things alive.

 

Damn, I need to start taking my own advice.

[Shake Spear]

Interesting topic and a lot of good posts for us lovesick fools

 

Its irony at its finest; you hear "all the time" that dumpers usually come back just when the dumpee truly have started to move on, 3-4 months sounds about right, but often it can be much longer. Dumping someone you care about is not fun for anyone (unless you are a cold bastard), so i guess when they finally muster the courage and go through with it, they are relived, while they also enjoy their new-found freedom.

 

I think the time-frame for when they eventually come back (or not) depends on a couple of factors:

1. The reason for the BU

2. The personality/gender of the dumper. I've heard that both men and women have a harder time letting go, i dont know which one it is. I think maybe their personality plays a bigger part. Some people (both men and women) are very fickle, some are very indecisive while others again are very stubborn and will never turn around when they made a decision

3. How the dumpee acts; push/pull and all that jazz

4. If the dumper gets into a "rebound". I guess if they do this, it will take longer for them to come around since the rebound can help fill the hole, and in some cases, they can be together for quite some time

 

That all i can think of, im sure there are more

[sushigirlie]

I broke up in early september and we had LC. I still loved her to death...then in january we stoped having contact (no agreement) and after a month I think or maybe 6 weeks. I felt rapidly more misserable until I finally understood why...I missed her in my life. My happiness-part of this period lasted perhaps for two months... Then it slowly went downwards... Just to add some confusion, the happiness-part wasn`t really a happy period...it was shallow in many ways, but I started working out and took real good care of my apperance and I still try doing that. I think that and the fact that I realised how deeply I love her was the best part. Well, now she is gone (after 2 years) and Im in her shoes

 

This is an amazing post, thanks for sharing.

[sushigirlie]

Italiannm, thank you for posting this response, it is genuine and honest. Thanks.

[sushigirlie]

I think men typically are better at compartmentalizing their issues. Women's emotions are much stronger usually when it comes to these kind of things but I think it actually helps them get over it completely once they do. Since guys tend to compartmentalize I think they can carry it with them longer.

 

The only other issue I have seen that is more the case with guys is when they are with girls for months because they had nothing better going on and they never loved the girl. Girls typically won't do that kind of nonsense. These are who I call douches and there are a lot of them sorry ladies.

 

I completely agree with your assessment, as long as the dumpee gets out of the way and allows the dumper to miss them.

[sushigirlie]

Absence definitely doesn't make my heart grow fonder. In fact...time gives me a better perspective of who he really is. Once I remove that person from my life....then the clearer picture comes into play. Right after a break up I usually only think of the good things about him....after being apart for a while then I see all the reasons I dont want him back.

 

That is the difference between men and women. Men first have a feeling of relief and then they start missing the good times. Women first pine but in the end women are more pragmatic, they will move on if future is not in the cards. This of course only applies to viable and respectful relationships, I.e. no cheating or abuse.

[saroec]

That response from italiannmf24 mirrors my situation perfectly.. apart from the fast forward into the future bit.. It's nice to read something like that to understand the psychology behind why he did this to me. Something clicked today, whereas before I was crying and in all honesty, depressed.. now I feel a sense of empowerment, I feel that I can move forward and not look back. It's only a hint of the feeling, but its a start

[Karianne]

Alicia,

 

The biggest clue here is that it happened twice. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." This guy obviously is going to bail everytime a slight obstacle (such as distance) is present in your relationship. As you're a teenager, I would start looking in other places for the things that you thought you both were. You want someone whom is willing to fight for you, and not bail on you everytime he would need to work to keep things alive.

 

Damn, I need to start taking my own advice.

 

This advice fits my situation perfectly. I need to keep repeating this in my head!

[Sportster2005]

Quite a bit initially. Then less and less as time passes. Is this a trick question?

[sushigirlie]

Quite a bit initially. Then less and less as time passes. Is this a trick question?

 

It's not that simple and straightforward... When they break up with you, then yes. You miss that person initially but then move on and you are done. Life for the dumper is not so simple. They realize the pasture is not greener and then they start missing you. Initially they are relieved, but then nostalgia kicks in.

 

This is not a tricky qurpestion, and the pattern on behavour is not tricky, only if you have been both, a dumper and a dumpee...

[Streetbob]

It's not that simple and straightforward... When they break up with you, then yes. You miss that person initially but then move on and you are done. Life for the dumper is not so simple. They realize the pasture is not greener and then they start missing you. Initially they are relieved, but then nostalgia kicks in.

 

Interesting perspective and I had never really thought about it like this.

 

Yes, I guess to summarise, The dumpee after the initial hurt gradually heals one way or another wheras the dumper is left with self doubt (in some cases) and often nothing to heal from.

 

I guess this must be even harder for the dumper if it wasn't an acrimonious split and the dumpee professed undying love.

 

Thanks for posting.

 

SB