I don't want to break up with you but...

[SapphireNoir10]

So confused. Me and my bf have been together three months. We always have a laugh together, he texts me and calls me when hes away, we just spent four wonderful days together. We rarely ever argue

 

A few days ago he was saying im perfect, he wants nothing to come between us and hes really happy in the way our relationships moving forward

 

Last night, he listed all the things that irritate him about me! He said he hates the fact sometimes we argue about 'silly' things. Now we've had hardly any arguments, no big ones, and no screaming shouting ones. The only arguments we've had are over him being insensetive and saying quite spiteful stuff then writing it off as 'I cant get my words right'

 

HE said he hates I cant take a compliment and I should say 'thank you' now Im really really shy and I just kinda smile if I get complimented. HE also said sometimes I interrupt him, I know I talk a lot, but he interrupts me too sometimes, its part of conversation sometimes you ACCIDENTALLY interrupt eachother too.

 

He also said he feels hes not enough and doesnt make me happy and I have my pick of men. Whenever we're together we are laughing, smiling and chatting and having fun. We do loads of stuff together...

 

BUT Then said he definatley doesnt want to break up with me, loves me, wants to be with me forever and today we had a lovely day together and things are fine

 

But hes really flakey, he talked about moving in together and I was like erm its a bit soon, when are you talking about? Then he accused me of trying to push it to fast/far

 

He said im not affectionate/clingy etc enough and I dont say I love you enough, then he said I was too needy for wanting to see him on one of my days off.

 

 

I feel like he almost WANTS To be unhappy?!

IM SO CONFUSED

[faithful14]

He sounds really wishy washy in my opinion. Doesn't he notice how much he contradicts himself?

[SapphireNoir10]

Apparently not. Whenever were together hes loving, romantic we have fun, I NEVER ever nag him...he goes out does what he wants, hangs out with mates, i'll go have a pint with them and a good time. Ive never held him back

 

THEN it was like everythings wrong. SO I said if you feel that way lets end it...but he was like 'I never want to break up'

 

But my dad who saw him today said he seemed a big shifty, so I wonder if hes planning a break up....but why no do it last night when I even said, if you think its for the best lets call it a mutual break up.

[9eliz]

Point out to him where he confuses you

[Oneironaut]

Agreed, make a list like your OP, and show him his contradictions, then see what he has to say.

[SapphireNoir10]

I have. He said he bough up those issues because if they carry on he can see us getting into heated arguments/him getting angry and ending it in the heat of the moment. Whys he focusing on such SMALL issues though? We are happy ninety nine percent of the time. He even said hes happy nearly all the time.

 

If Im not all over him/needy etc he says I dont care. If I am, its too much for him.

[SapphireNoir10]

I've pointed out the contradictions and he just said, he wanted to talk about the problems but that he doesnt see where hes contradicted himself. He doesnt see it!

 

What do you thinks going on :S I dont want to spend my life on tenterhooks.

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel like breaking up with him cos now Im always going be wondering if he DID want to break up or what?!

[Maje]

If he has a hard time getting the right words out, maybe it's just an issue of miscommunication. If he is contradicting himself, maybe you could call him on it when he does it, but in a nice way of course.

When he was talking about moving in together, it may have been that he wasn't referring to any time soon, and when you asked "when?" he might have thought you were hinting at the near future. Also, affectionate and needy are two different things, so maybe he's speaking specifically. He likes physical contact when you're together, but doesn't want to be together all of the time?

Thats the only thing I can really think of to give reason for what you're saying he's done.

 

Why not just tell him you think he's being flakey? He listed off the things he doesn't like about you, you could do the same with him. But nicely.

 

edit: Did you give very specific examples? Just ask him to explain them.

[SapphireNoir10]

Well he actually said I want to get a place as soon as possible and you move in. I was like 'thats a bit soon...when are you talking about' Then he got all defensive.

 

He literally said he feels I dont need him, cos I never ask him for anything. That im not that affectionate cuddly etc. But I really am! Im always giving him a kiss and a cuddle and sending nice little texts.

 

I dont want to be with him ALL the time, we see eachother normally once a weekish cos hes away a lot with work....usually he suggests seeing eachother too. And the one time I do he said he was busy seeing a female friend, and It was like...arg.

[Maje]

Oh. It seems like he's either clueless or purposely trying to jerk you around. I don't want to say it's the latter, but even him being clueless is something I wouldn't be able to put up with for very long myself.

[faithful14]

tape record him haha

[SapphireNoir10]

What do you guys make of it though?

 

Do you think he just wants to break up...or do you think hes not sure?

 

He goes from hot to cold a LOT

[Sparkly Eyes]

He is not sure.

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree. One minute hes all over me, literally kissing, hugging, saying i love you, how beautiful I am. He often says im the best thing in his life and the only thing that makes him happy etc.

 

Then all this crap. hence confusion.

[Sparkly Eyes]

what thing you do annoy him? can you tell?

[SapphireNoir10]

I can never tell when Im annoying him. He never seems upset or annoyed or miserable when Im with him. Hence why I was suprised.

 

All little things though like I dont take compliments well, that I sometimes interrupt him etc.

 

What?!

 

And hes basically saying he thinks if we keep arguing over silly stuff we might possibly break up and he wants to sort it out now.

 

Im not stupid. Sometimes he is all 'stare off into the distance' and I know somethings wrong.

 

What do i do

[Sparkly Eyes]

I don't know. How is his life at the moment apart from you? Is he happy with his job? Does he have friends he regularly goes out with?

[SapphireNoir10]

He isnt happy with his job. And he does get quite sad over other stuff. Im always there cheering him up, doing nice things for him, his friends and family love me, he has friends who care and he sees them regularly.

 

Its so confusing. Like he said he'd talk to me tonight, but he hasnt. BUT every time this happens im just gonna assume hes dumping me.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Maybe he is just going through some other problems in his life an taking them out on you. That often happens when people are not happy or stressed. You seem to freak out over things too much too fast.

[Melting]

He does sound confused, but he is also happy to communicate with you, which is a great sign.

 

I guess all you can do is be strong and have a heart to heart with him. If u don't feel he is being honest or wishy washy with you during that conversation, then you need to sit back and ask yourself... is he really the one for you...

 

The initial stages of a relstionship are like a rollercoaster of emotions, as you are both still getting to know each other, learn about each other.

[Batya33]

I think it's selfish of him to burden you with his doubts especially this early on -if the honeymoon is over and he's irritated with things you cannot change then his alternatives are to end the relationship or decide, after self-reflection or talking with others- to accept those irritations in light of all the good stuff. Venting at you is not the answer and is selfish and manipulative.

[SapphireNoir10]

I was really hurt cos I thought we'd had a lovely few days, no arguments, done loads of fun stuff, he'd been telling me how happy he was and how much he loved me etc.

 

Ok he has doubts...the thing is there will always be things that annoy you about someone, Im never gonna be perfect. I've been kind, understanding and nice.

 

Now I dont know from one day to the next where I stand. Im worried next time I hear from him it'll be to end it. Like he said he'd text or speak to me tonight...and he hasnt. My dad said he seemed shifty and weird today when he left too.

 

But the thing Is I said, lets end it then, mutually, maturely etc, but he didnt want too. And he seemed relieved when I said I'd try to avoid arguments and think about all the stuff he said.

 

The thing is he said to me that hes happy most of the time with me, and the list of stuff thats good and he loves is endless, but that he cant get past the few little irritations and they are irritating him more and more.

 

He complained im not needy etc, then, he said one of his irritations is the other day I playfully asked after not seeing him for a while 'Did ya miss me terribly' In a playful voice.

 

He said he feels not good enough, like he doesnt make me happy. But I CONSTANTLY tell him that hes a good bf, that i love him and I care about him.

[90_hour_sleep]

is this guy inexperienced in relationships? honestly...it sounds like he was trying to communicate some things (which is healthy) but kind of botched the whole thing up with his approach. and with that...your defences got switched on...and his reaction to that was to just kind of clam up. maybe he feels like he made a mistake even bringing it up.

 

he sounds insecure. and ultimately...it seems he tried to project that insecurity on to you to help alleviate his own stress. it's a pretty common tactic. he was feeling threatened (feeling like he needs you more than you need him) so he mounted a pre-emptive strike to counter you before you made your move. it probably sounds absurd...but everyone does this to a certain extent. and most of the time...it's not even conscious. it's just a reactive state...survival mode. you know?

 

sounds like he's triggered your defensiveness, sapphire. that's pretty understandable...and not at all unreasonable. do you like this guy? do you enjoy his company? does he bring to the table many of the things you're looking for in a partner? do you want it to end...or are you in your own reactive state...and responding according to that?

 

if you want to be with him...why not open the communication lines. it doesn't have to be about confrontation. quite the opposite. confrontation inspires defensiveness. the idea is to promote safety. invite him to share. sometimes it's difficult not to take things personally...but it's worth the effort. how can you be honest with someone if you can't share what's really on your mind...you know? letting the personal quality slide opens the door for understanding. 3 months sounds about right really. relationships get to this stage sooner or later. the things that you 'loved' about the other become the things that really annoy you. little breakdowns start to occur. and...because you don't really know a whole lot about each other (because romance is a blinding force), you have no idea what the other needs from you in order to thrive.

 

make any sense?

 

ps...don't avoid arguments. happy couples aren't happy because they avoid problems. they're happy because they deal with problems.

[kay83]

it just sounds like he's out of the "infatuation" stage and is facing the reality of a relationship.

 

it also sounds like he's insecure with himself. has he had many bad breakups in the past?

 

maybe the commitment scares him and he's putting up a road block to protect himself from being hurt?