I don't want to break up with you but...

[SapphireNoir10]

But those things he finds annoying are things everyone is going to do, sometimes interrupt, sometimes not take compliments well, sometimes get upset...

 

Now I havent heard from him all last night and today and I wonder if I'll just never hear from him again

 

I feel like theres something wrong with me. I've been so laid back in this relationship as in never been naggy or moaned, never stood between him and anything and its still not enough.

 

It was the way he was saying if you basically dont change these things about you, I will end it.

[Batya33]

Once again he's trying to burden you with issues he needs to resolve on his own or with the help of an objective outsider. He has to learn -on his own -that in a mature relationship you're able to sweat the small stuff and not let the small irritations get to you because you see the bigger picture, you love the person and - very important! -you realize you're not perfect and probably irritate the other person too and that realization is humbling and should result in mostly laughing off the small stuff. For example, when I am feeling cranky/irritated I do that kind of self-talk as far as how I likely irritate him, I do vigorous exercise, once in awhile I complain to a friend(but with the goal of laughing it off- not in a negative whiny way -and to a friend who will help me laugh it off). He expects you to reassure him "we are right for each other despite your irritations, feelings come and go but we have a solid foundation, etc" - that is a very unfair and unproductive position to put you in.

 

The best thing you can do for him is to say "I am sorry you feel that way. I am constantly working on myself but I am sure we will always irritate each other in one way or another at times. I can't reassure you that we are right together -you have to be able to feel that inside and to reassure yourself if you feel doubts/shaky about us - I can't be that person for you because I am biased and it hurts me when you continue to share your doubts and fears with me. I don't want to end things but I also don't want to be picked at to the extent you do and to be asked to reassure you."

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanka batya, its confusing he said i make him happier than hes ever been and our day the other day wad the best of his life.... Then nitpicks small stuff

[Batya33]

Thanka batya, its confusing he said i make him happier than hes ever been and our day the other day wad the best of his life.... Then nitpicks small stuff

 

Yes- it sounds like he is on an emotional rollercoaster where when he feels the highs he assumes it means smooth sailing - but then he crashes hard because that expectation -of always feeling on cloud 9 -is entirely unrealistic (sometimes, sure, and knowing you can get that back when there's a lull -sure!). I would not play his game - when he nitpicks say nicely "thanks for sharing -nice weather we're having". Show him you will not "analyze" your "flaws" with him.

[lavenderdove]

He's obviously a moody person, and you are 'good' or 'bad' depending on his mood du jour. This is a very common mistake people make that trashes relationships. When they are annoyed or tired, or hating life for any reason, even if it doesn't have to do with you, they start picking at you and using you as a lightning rod for their stress. Let's say he hates his boss and knows he can't talk back to him. So his boss does something that makes him mad, but he keeps quiet, but when he gets home, he's in a bad mood and some little thing sets him off so he starts dumping all that negative energy on you, when it has nothing really to do with you at all, just his need to download stress onto someone else in order to feel better.

 

So you become his surrogate punching bag because he feels 'safe' to take it out on you but not his boss or whomever.

 

This is a very negative coping style that ruins relationships. He may indeed be happy with you 90% of the time, and he needs to recognize that NO ONE is happy 100% of the time and the fact that he is grumpy today doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you in order to feel better about himself.

 

But one pattern i notice Blue is that you go from man to man VERY quickly, and i wonder if you are picking these guys because they are really right for you, or because you don't want to be alone for more than a few days at a time. It is the absolutely right thing to NOT move in with someone after 3 months, and to not take anyone seriously until you've dated them a long time and to not look at every date as a step on the way to the altar.

 

How i would handle this is to tell him, look, we get along most of the time, and you change your mind about me every 20 minutes. I am who i am, and you're being moody about that so i want you to go off and figure out whether you can accept that 10% of the time or not. If you expect to be happy 100% of the time then of course i'm not your girl, but then no one is every happy 100% of the time so i think you are being unrealistic. And no, i won't live with you after only 3 months because i don't want to commit to anyone until we've been together long enough to know each other well becuase it is painful to break up a live in relationship, far harder than taking your time and knowing it is right before doing it.

 

And if he can't handle that, then you should break up with him and not tolerate him picking at you all the time and being moody. It is far better for you both to acknowledge when he is in one of those moods, and agree to not spend time together until he is feeling better and wants to see you rather than pick at you. Of course there will be differences that you need to negotiate, but he doesn't have the right to just free form criticize you every time something irritates him.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thanks. Ill admit i hate being alone it scarea me and i feel really attached

 

He also hates weve argued about silly stuff but thats all been resolved and things were fine

 

He seems tp be searching hard for issues and he believes i need to work on myself or he will get angry and end it, he said he doesnt want me to make him into someone angry and insecure

 

I dont see how i am ahh

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel hes trying too hard to find bad almost like he wants a reason to end it yet when i mentioned ending it he didnt want too

[90_hour_sleep]

Yes- it sounds like he is on an emotional rollercoaster where when he feels the highs he assumes it means smooth sailing - but then he crashes hard because that expectation -of always feeling on cloud 9 -is entirely unrealistic (sometimes, sure, and knowing you can get that back when there's a lull -sure!). I would not play his game - when he nitpicks say nicely "thanks for sharing -nice weather we're having". Show him you will not "analyze" your "flaws" with him.

 

this makes a lot of sense. can't say i agree with the treatment though. it sounds passive aggressive to be honest. ''thanks for sharing...but your feelings mean nothing to me...so i'll change the subject." really? where's the room for growth in that? it actually comes accross as childish in my opinion. i mean...it makes sense. when people are hurt (in this case offended...which i translate to mean hurt) they react. obviously. it's the most human response there is. not suggesting that the reaction is unreasonable. of course it's reasonable. but how does continually buying into it change the situation? i realize this relationship is in it's infancy. maybe that's the problem. should you choose to ignore the problems now...then what's the point in continuing?

[SapphireNoir10]

But the thing is basically IM the problem. My general personality is. And there small things, how do I make sure I take a compliment CORRECTLY every time. How do I make sure I never offend him...i'll be treating on egg shells.

 

I treat him very well and everyone says that.

[SapphireNoir10]

Follow up on situation here

[90_hour_sleep]

But the thing is basically IM the problem. My general personality is. And there small things, how do I make sure I take a compliment CORRECTLY every time. How do I make sure I never offend him...i'll be treating on egg shells.

 

I treat him very well and everyone says that.

 

i don't doubt you treat him well. you sound like a great person to be with in all honesty. he's passed judgement on you...and that's a tough pill to swallow. i'm with you there.

 

who knows. pretty tough to get a feel for what's going on on this forum. i get the impression that what he's saying is pretty trivial. sounds like he's grasping. it's the underlying insecurity that feels important. he's showing you that side of him. he's maybe just not the most skilled at doing it in a way that invites you to understand. he's elected to attack you instead. some part of him feels threatened (and that's not to say that it's you that's causing that...not at all). he's reacting to a perceived threat. it doesn't mean you're threatening...it means he feels threatened.

 

and why would you want to spend your time with someone who you can't be yoruself with? walking on eggshells is no fun. there's no appeal. so...i can see where you're coming from. and...i'm not suggesting that there's something wrong with you...and there's nothing wrong with him. only that that line of thinking just has a tendency to go around in circles. it doesn't matter if someone is right or wrong. what matters is whether or not you want to be with this guy. and if you do...there are ways to approach this that actually encourage a stronger bond.

 

i don't think the things he's saying have anything to do with you. he's initiating separation to protect himself. he's banking on the fact that you'll take what he has to say at face value. that's what leads to the separation. but you can take that away from him. take away the ammunition. i'm not saying it's easy...but consider for a second that he's not actually saying these things to hurt you...he's just in self-preservation mode. and i say this because to me this is often confused with manipulation. manipulation implies intent. reaction isn't intent. and also...just because there's no intent...doesn't mean there's no accountability. you can have that accountability...without the label of manipulation. i just see it as something entirely different. does that make any sense? i mean...so long as you're feeling attacked...or manipulated...the cycle continues. but it only takes one to break the cycle. i'm maybe not the best advocate...because i'm as reactive as the next guy...and i have a tough time swallowing my pride and taking a step back to let things breathe. but it's helpful to see yourself in the person you're with sometimes. if you can relate on that level...it removes the sting of a personal attack. you can see glimpses of what's really going on and work towards open communication...without that fear of judgement.

 

maybe you don't see his behaviour as manipulative at all? but you do feel attacked...right. what if you look at it in the light that he's not actually attacking YOU personally? he's defending himself with the guise of attack. is it worth investing in that? as melting said...maybe this one just doesn't have the right mix for you. :S

[SapphireNoir10]

I think hes insecure. Hes afraid of losing control, getting angry/jealous. I dont think hes ever felt this way about anyone before and finds it hard.

 

I think hes trying to point out all the things I do that make him insecure/angry/jealous so they stop and he can be happy. Thats what I think

[90_hour_sleep]

I think hes insecure. Hes afraid of losing control, getting angry/jealous. I dont think hes ever felt this way about anyone before and finds it hard.

 

I think hes trying to point out all the things I do that make him insecure/angry/jealous so they stop and he can be happy. Thats what I think

 

afraid of losing control. that makes sense.

 

do you think the things you're doing are what's causing his insecurity/anger/jelousy?

 

you get the impression that he's really into you...and maybe that's got him in panic mode...because he's not sure how to deal with it?

 

how do you feel about him? minus this latest development...

[SapphireNoir10]

I really care about him and his happiness is important to me. He says I make him happy nearly all the time but these things have started annoying him and making him angry and he doesnt want that to happen cos he sees us getting angry at eachother a lot in the future and maybe breaking up. He said he wants to knock any potential future issues on the head cos he doesnt want to break up.

[90_hour_sleep]

I really care about him and his happiness is important to me. He says I make him happy nearly all the time but these things have started annoying him and making him angry and he doesnt want that to happen cos he sees us getting angry at eachother a lot in the future and maybe breaking up. He said he wants to knock any potential future issues on the head cos he doesnt want to break up.

 

you're not making him angry. and you throwing these little ''annoyances'' out the door isn't going to change a thing. you're feeling his insecurity. it's palpable. it's the root.

 

"Panic...A physical state of tension characterized by reactivity initiated by the brain’s survival mechanism. This state is visible and measurable. It is often characterized by fleeing and withdrawing, silence, distraction and inattention, submitting and placating, or aggressive pushing and fighting. People move away from and avoid where they feel Panic and tend to stay away."

 

does that ring any bells?

 

so what's the next step then? you might find this article intersting, sapphire. hope you figure things out.

 

link removed

[SapphireNoir10]

but i dont see how and why im panicking him and making him insecure

[90_hour_sleep]

but i dont see how and why im panicking him and making him insecure

 

exactly. you don't see how because it's not YOU that's doing it to him. if you can see that...then you won't feel attacked at all. he's insecure without you. he's just discovered enough comfort with you that he's able to drop his public mask and let you see the little beast. it means he trusts you...but he's struggling with that. yah...not exactly what one hopes for in a relationship hey? strange way to show trust. but if he didn't trust you...he wouldn't let you see this ''ugly'' side. you know?

 

think of it this way...when you suggested to him that you break up...if that's what he wanted...what was really going on there? i could be wrong...but it feels like the same creature. insecurity. and in that moment...you were in a state of 'panic'. different triggers...but kind of the same creature. maybe? it's not an accusation. just trying to relate it. his words triggered a feeling of threat for you...and your natural ''reaction'' was to withdraw. and was it conscious? it probably just happened.

[SapphireNoir10]

I offered to break up mutually cos I thought thats what he wanted. But then he panicked and said he wanted to be with me forever etc and he loves me. Now hes being all nice again.

[90_hour_sleep]

I offered to break up mutually cos I thought thats what he wanted. But then he panicked and said he wanted to be with me forever etc and he loves me. Now hes being all nice again.

 

alright. i was out to lunch there. my bad.

 

so...now he's sweeping things under the rug...avoiding the conflict?

 

maybe you could make a proposition. let the emotional side cool off for a bit...but suggest that you'd like to talk about this when it's good for both of you. set some boundaries.

[SapphireNoir10]

I wouldnt know what to say. Part of me just wants to see how things go naturally, and if he starts picking on me for small things again, well im not living like that.

[90_hour_sleep]

I wouldnt know what to say. Part of me just wants to see how things go naturally, and if he starts picking on me for small things again, well im not living like that.

 

i don't mean to play the pessimist...but it will happen. might be tomorrow...might be next week...might be a year from now. it'll happen.

 

what does the other part of you want to do?

[SapphireNoir10]

I care about him. I want to be able to make him feel secure and happy like he does a lot of the time. I can see how some of my behaviours make him insecure im not THE most affectionate person, I am pretty affectionate but not loads. Im always afraid of being clingy...the more cuddly/affectionate nice i am, the less he is :S

 

I dont ALWAYS say I love you back or a lot, because I tend to say it when I want too not cos I feel I have too

 

I've already started trying to make more effort to make him feel more secure, taking in mind what he said, trying to avoid doing the things that annoy him. I text him today just to say I love you etc.

[90_hour_sleep]

sounds like you're willing to work on things.

 

is he willing to make the same effort...

[SapphireNoir10]

Well when i mentioned ending it he said its the last thing he wants, that if he wanted to end it he would of then, but he definatley doesnt want too, we have plans to spend some time together next week for a couple of days. I guess we'll see how things go.

 

Im kinda expecting him to end it at any given moment.....its weird

[SapphireNoir10]

I was suprised things even needed working on. We are happy like most of the time and get on well...its weird.