90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 you sound like you'd be fine either way. that makes me a bit curious. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 I dont want him too end it. the thought of him ending it makes me cry and sad, and I'd miss him. BUt I dont want him to be with me if I make him miserable...but he said i make him happy most of the time. Im scared to get broken up with. I want it to work and thought it was working. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I was suprised things even needed working on. We are happy like most of the time and get on well...its weird. Many people can be happy for three months of dating -it's often when reality sets in that people run because the cloud nine feeling isn't as present and the thrill of the chase is gone -also you said he is a drinker - often those people need a constant "high". Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thats what I mean. HE seems to expect me to be in a good mood all the time. If im slightly not happy or in a bad mood, he goes 'Oh your not happy, I cant make you happy can I?' Or 'whats wrong?' I cant be happy ALL the time. The thing is his ex was an alcoholic who treated him badly and he stayed with her for like two years. It seems now he has a nice gf, who is faithful, respectful, clean living, I dont go out a lot etc...he doesnt like it or expects more? Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I dont want him too end it. the thought of him ending it makes me cry and sad, and I'd miss him. BUt I dont want him to be with me if I make him miserable...but he said i make him happy most of the time. Im scared to get broken up with. I want it to work and thought it was working. maybe it is working. and this is just a part of the working process. i don't think working means that you never experience problems. you'd probably agree with that. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 I would. Im glad he bought up the issues in a way. But I also think he needs to pick his battles better. Hes picking at things that are part of everyones personality and things he does too. Like he interupts, he takes compliments REALLY badly, he never believes them. And he also has goes at me for silly things. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 He was like our relationships good but it could be amazing :S Thats his reason for bringing them up Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 He was like our relationships good but it could be amazing :S Thats his reason for bringing them up Someone who wants to improve their relationship with you does that by relating to you, not attacking. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I would. Im glad he bought up the issues in a way. But I also think he needs to pick his battles better. Hes picking at things that are part of everyones personality and things he does too. Like he interupts, he takes compliments REALLY badly, he never believes them. And he also has goes at me for silly things. projection. funny how the things that don't work for him are precisely the things he chose to throw your way. deflection. i agree...bringing up issues is a good thing. but...there's a more effective way to do it. he's taken the route of of projection. shift the focus away. not really dealing with things though...is it? you feel bad...attacked. and he probably doesn't feel any different. maybe a momentary lift because he's feeling on the upper end of the power struggle. and...if that tactic continues to work...why would he change it? projection doesn't work. i think the idea is to keep things neutral. it's not ''you do this and it bothers me...'' but rather...''i feel this when (not because) you do such and such.'' keep it in terms of what you feel. really dont' think he was attacking you for the sake of attack. he was attacking you because he doesn't know any better. he's lacking in the tool department. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 But its like its good and happy but he wants more. We laugh together, do fun stuff together, have a good sex life, we dont smother eachother etc. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Yeah he told me it makes him insecure, like when I interrupt he feels im not listening. When I dont take compliments he feels i dont take him seriously, when I ask 'did you miss me' playfully, he feels hes not enough cos he feels he obviously hasnt said it enough if im asking he seems tot ake everything in the WORST possible way!! Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 But its like its good and happy but he wants more. We laugh together, do fun stuff together, have a good sex life, we dont smother eachother etc. you have some foundation then. it's all old news for him. this is a part of who he is. if he keeps the focus on the ways in which you are ''lacking'' (and you're not lacking...you're NOT!)...then he gets to avoid dealing with his own bag. you're taking full responsibility here. and while that's noble...doesn't seem indicative of a partnership of equals...does it? highly recommend the lizard article. i know it's a bit long. invite him to read it maybe? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks. I did have a look. IT makes sense. I just wish he'd try and be happy with what he has. Life and relationships arent perfect. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Thanks. I did have a look. IT makes sense. I just wish he'd try and be happy with what he has. Life and relationships arent perfect. you got it. and neither are people. think your desires are very reasonable, sapphire. you only want him to be happy with you...as you are. can't think of a more reasonable thing to be looking for. i don't think it's something that comes naturally to all of us though. something we need to learn. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 I just wish he could see life more postivley, hes very negative and insecure sometimes.I can be too, but I never ever have sat there and critizised him. I decided I could live with thte things that annoy me cos of all the good things. Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 I just wish he could see life more postivley, hes very negative and insecure sometimes.I can be too, but I never ever have sat there and critizised him. I decided I could live with thte things that annoy me cos of all the good things. maybe you can help him with that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 maybe you can help him with that. I think a therapist or other outsider needs to help him with that because the way he is reacting to his mindset is to be hypercritical of the OP and subject her to his emotional rollercoaster. She can't be the one to "help" him. Link to comment
sada88 Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Your past bfs and your current bf is very parallel between mine and my ex's relationship. My ex-bf (the one that just broke up with me) sounds like a combo of your ex and your current bf. Thing is, no matter how much you try to make them happy...they'll never be really satisfied and they'll take that anger out on you to the point where you can't breathe and you feel the need to walk away. Then they change their tune and drag you back in. It doesn't get that much better (sorry for sounding like a pessimist) unless he himself wants to change. My ex-bf needed that constant high and is afraid to be alone. Which is why the moment he found someone new and exciting, he picked a fight and left me for her, projecting all of his insecurities onto me with the break-up. It won't get better even with the communication issue...I tried... Link to comment
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