Lied for 6 hours about not watching porn!

[tinkerbellkj]

Six hours is not stubbornness in my opinion, it is obsession. Stubbornness would be confronting him with the 'evidence' she obtained through going through his personal computer, and then when she was not satisfied with his answer, walking away from the situation. I don't know about anyone else, but if this was a 'Law and Order' episode, I would have demanded an attorney by then, just saying.

 

I agree with Hex post as well.

[velvette]

I just don't understand how people can ruin relationships and friendships over little white lies that don't harm people. Big, huge lies sure... but you're willing to let a friendship go over something that even you admitted was small? *shakes head* Whose really the bad friend... the friend who told a small lie or the friend whose willing to five up so easily on a friendship?

I did not "give up" on any friendship, but I just learned a side of her (able to lie to me without remorse) which I dislike. a lot. the lie was about keeping a secret of mine, by the way, and I could understand why she would tell someone else that secret (to make herself feel better at the time), like I'm really understanding about that, but I just can't stand that she can lie to me (with an attitude 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her'; would NEVER have told me if the other friend didn't tell me) *without remorse*.

 

if someone lies, and fesses up, and is sorry FOR LYING, I can forgive that. oh also, I don't hold standards of truth/honesty as high to people I'm not close to, since they don't owe me truth/respect/love/etc. but for CLOSE friends and especially my lover (best friend!), I absolutely expect them to have similar morals to me. this includes no cheating, no violence, no lying, amongst other things.

 

 

I really am not zero-tolerance, if you're talking about me hex. I'm not bitter, I have no trouble in my love life, never felt lonely (romance-wise), and am quite a happy, optimistic person in real life. ;P but I do expect those closest to me to have similar morals as me. if they don't, it doesn't make them bad people, but I wouldn't be able to mesh with them so closely. we would just be friends, not close friends. if my boyfriend felt 'little' lies are OK, I would not have dated him in the first place. I'm very selective with my partners, but I can afford to be, because I have just as much to give. I respect myself and know myself enough to know that some things I absolutely need in a partner. one of them being honesty: about all things, big and little.

 

oh and of course I'd rather be alone than be with someone incompatible, with someone who cheats or hits me, who lies to me. we all have to have our own standards, yknow. I certainly don't need professional help for mine.

[OptomisticGirl]

It just still baffles me. I lost a wonderful friend years ago because I had that same attitude as you in my first relationship - I had to have complete honesty in all aspects of my life - and I regret it SO much. It's one thing to have standards of your own and live by them but to push your own standards on other people - ie, your SO or friends - it will cause you to lose many friendships. Perhaps you can live with that... I can't. I hold my friendships closer to me than my own 'standards' about them.

[hexaemeron]

Rigidity means that people cannot ever feel comfortable being themselves around others, and others never feel comfortable being themselves around you. How on earth is anyone surprised that someone disappoints you when there is absolutely NO room for any possible mistake, large or small?

[Ariel85]

The fact she let it go on for SIX HOURS. If honesty is SO important to her she herself should have come right out and said, 'I know you did this. why?' instead of dragging it out and grilling the poor guy for six hours. Perhaps I have a jaded view of the world - I refuse to have anythign but an honest relationship but at the same time I can see the flaws in humans and realize we make mistakes.

 

I just don't understand how people can ruin relationships and friendships over little white lies that don't harm people. Big, huge lies sure... but you're willing to let a friendship go over something that even you admitted was small? *shakes head* Whose really the bad friend... the friend who told a small lie or the friend whose willing to five up so easily on a friendship?

 

No, I totally agree with you.

 

She completely set him up, then bashed him for SIX HOURS over this?

 

OP - I think you're trying to rationalize and throw a pity party that he (boo hoo) lied to you. But in reality, you created all of this drama, and left him no choice. If him watching porn was no big deal, then why did you MAKE it into one?

 

When you get older, and mature a bit (a lot), you will realize adults are entitled to their privacy, particularly when it comes to their masturbation habits. Yes, even when you're a COUPLE. And grilling him like you're his Mother is just bizarre and beyond hen-pecking.

 

I see the next issue to be, "honey? are you wiping your butt five times after taking a poo or did you lie to me about that?". Respect your partners boundaries.

[velvette]

It just still baffles me. I lost a wonderful friend years ago because I had that same attitude as you in my first relationship - I had to have complete honesty in all aspects of my life - and I regret it SO much. It's one thing to have standards of your own and live by them but to push your own standards on other people - ie, your SO or friends - it will cause you to lose many friendships. Perhaps you can live with that... I can't. I hold my friendships closer to me than my own 'standards' about them.

how did you lose your friend by having such an attitude? I haven't lost her as a friend, only let her know that I value her honesty more than she thinks. I will be more wary of trusting her next time, and why wouldn't I be? she told a secret of mine she promised she wouldn't, and then lied about it, and was only remorseful of being caught. I don't care how she lives her life towards other people, she could lie to her boss or whatever, but if she wanted to be close with me then I would expect truth. that's all.

 

this is simple, I have never had this be a 'problem' in my life. I've never lost a friend over my belief that honesty is of utter importance. it's only important to me when I thought I had an agreement with a person to be honest! that's the same as having an agreement not to cheat in a relationship, and finding out perhaps THEIR idea of cheating is only when it becomes sex, and they don't think emotionally cheating is wrong. I would much rather cut them loose, be friends maybe, but not date someone like that. wouldn't you?

 

we can all agree that cheating, hitting, is absolutely intolerable in a relationship. we'll just have to disagree on lying, but doesn't make me or you wrong. hey, some people have open relationships, and then it's not cheating. so I guess if you have an understanding that 'little' lies are OK, it's not lying--it's sparing your feelings. which is fine. and some people have BDSM relationships, where hitting is tolerated. though BDSM and open relationships are deviants, and perhaps in this scenario absolute-truth is the deviant. but so what? we have to be true to ourselves.

[iBroken]

Its clear that he lied because he knew he would get this reaction out of you....I dont blame him

 

And porn is porn. We all watch it (well the majority of people do). Who cares if he watched 6 hours over 2 years or 6 hours in a row? If it doesnt impact your relationship, leave it be

[rocio]

Its clear that he lied because he knew he would get this reaction out of you....I dont blame him

 

No, that's not clear at all.

 

The idea that it's okay to lie when you know the other person will be upset with the truth is absurd.

 

The reason he lied is that he's ashamed. It likely goes back to his upbringing (the fact that he swears to God suggests that perhaps there's some religious influence and guilt here) but for whatever reason, he is ashamed of himself. The fact that he would lie so emphatically just to hide from his own shame says something about his character. How OTHER people feel about porn is COMPLETELY irrelevant to this situation. The reality is that this is a man who is able to lie, even swearing to God, in order to avoid facing his own shame. What other things will he feel ashamed of, do anyway, and then lie about?

[OptomisticGirl]

Because I had such a hard stance on honesty - I refused to be with anyone who did not give that to me - that when she kept something from me - that yes, was big - I refused to forgive her but I turned around and forgave the person who hurt me - the secret she kept! Because I held her to such a high standard - ie she could not lie to me - I lost that friendship.

 

So while my best friend and I have an honest relationship and are completely and utterly hoenst with each other, I now know we are all human and we can't be perfect 100% of the time. If she were to lie to me about something huge that would be different but telling me I look good in a pair of jeans I look fat in? I'm not runinin our friendship over that or holding her to my standards.

[velvette]

Rigidity means that people cannot ever feel comfortable being themselves around others, and others never feel comfortable being themselves around you. How on earth is anyone surprised that someone disappoints you when there is absolutely NO room for any possible mistake, large or small?

 

I'm not rigid. I'm actually very forgiving, and understanding of most situations. sure, my friend can lie to me. if she owes up to it, and is sorry for having lied to me, then it shows she has the same morals as me--and it's OK to make mistakes! I would forgive her entirely. but it's when she hides the lie, is not sorry for having lied but only sorry for having been caught, that I am disappointed because I can't be as close to her as I would like. I either see it as she's not comfortable being truthful around me (hence we're not as close as I thought!), or she doesn't think I deserve the complete truth (and I wouldn't want to be as close to someone who thought it's ok to lie to me).

 

making mistakes = OK. the worst is just not thinking the 'mistake' is actually wrong. that means it wasn't a mistake, it was just a difference in morals for us. and that's fine! just won't be as close to those people. they're not worse people than me, but they can't provide me with the sort of relationship I prefer.

[OptomisticGirl]

No, that's not clear at all.

 

The idea that it's okay to lie when you know the other person will be upset with the truth is absurd.

 

The reason he lied is that he's ashamed. It likely goes back to his upbringing (the fact that he swears to God suggests that perhaps there's some religious influence and guilt here) but for whatever reason, he is ashamed of himself. The fact that he would lie so emphatically just to hide from his own shame says something about his character. How OTHER people feel about porn is COMPLETELY irrelevant to this situation. The reality is that this is a man who is able to lie, even swearing to God, in order to avoid facing his own shame. What other things will he feel ashamed of, do anyway, and then lie about?

 

Let's be fair though, masturbating is drilled into everyone's head - even non religious people's - heads that it's wrong, same with sex. Little girls are told to keep their legs shut and we are brought up to believe it's filthy and dirty. That's a hard thing to not be ashamed about and if you know your partner isn't going to understand that... I would have lied.

[rocio]

Being ashamed of something is no excuse to lie to your partner. Ever.

 

Some people (both men and women) have a value system that dictates that porn is wrong. I personally don't share that view and I enjoy porn. However, I can fully understand why some people feel it's wrong to view other people having sex, especially when those people are being paid to do so. They are entitled to that opinion. Some women wouldn't want to commit to a life with a man who watches porn. Those women have EVERY RIGHT to know whether or not their partner watches it, and to end the relationship if they so chose.

[OptomisticGirl]

Being ashamed of something is no excuse to lie to your partner. Ever.

 

Some people (both men and women) have a value system that dictates that porn is wrong. I personally don't share that view and I enjoy porn. However, I can fully understand why some people feel it's wrong to view other people having sex, especially when those people are being paid to do so. They are entitled to that opinion. Some women wouldn't want to commit to a life with a man who watches porn. Those women have EVERY RIGHT to know whether or not their partner watches it, and to end the relationship if they so chose.

 

Yes but the OP has no problem with him watching porn - said so herself. So I'm just wondering were the problem is then....

[rocio]

My comments were regarding honesty about porn in general.

 

As far as this situation is concerned, my only comment is that his dishonesty appears to be based upon his own internal conflict and not based on his girlfriend's issues.

[velvette]

how does he know his partner wouldn't understand? didn't she make it clear she's OK with porn, that it's not a big deal? it's the lying that's a big deal. as under_my_ambrella said, he would rather lie in the name of god than face his own shame. that's huge (if he's so religious). where would the trust be? if he could lie while swearing on god, then he could lie swearing on his mother's grave, his wife's honour, etc. his word doesn't mean much anymore.

 

Some women wouldn't want to commit to a life with a man who watches porn. Those women have EVERY RIGHT to know whether or not their partner watches it, and to end the relationship if they so chose.

this is so true!

 

 

 

oh yeah, I had another friend who would try and lie to me. and get me to believe this lie. I even almost did once she swore on her dead mother's grave that it was the truth! but then more opposing evidence came up and I was shocked that she would go to such lengths to keep up a lie. I would have easily forgiven her if she only finally just TOLD ME THE TRUTH, but she maintained (even till now) that her lie was what I should believe. it's appalling that someone would do that, and I know it has more to do with her own insecurities than with a joy in lying to me, yet I can't just pretend I believe her obvious lie when I talk to her. she wanted SO desperately for me to believe her lie, and it was just ... yeah, that's one friend I 'lost' to a lie, and I don't regret it at all (we still talk, and we were never close friends anyway, so it's not like it hurt--and actually SHE lost plenty of friends over that lie). there are more stable people to befriend in this world. I'd rather not invest my energy into someone who's insecure enough to lie like that. at first I was thinking OP could solve the relationship, but then I thought about this 'friend' and really, it's not worth salvaging imo. the insecurities lie too deep.

[OptomisticGirl]

I suppose I don't put much emphazie on what he swears on but about what he's trying to lie about.. if it were about being out late with someone of the opposite sex fine, I could somewhat wrap my head around it. But watching porn? As someone else said, masturbating a very personal thing. If the OP had no problem with it why even the ask questiong if not to start drama?

[hexaemeron]

Newsinglegal has a history of this sort of behavior. She HAS to make an issue out of something because she can't handle things just being normal. Look at her threads and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about.

 

And really, OP. If you think you're entitled to grill someone about something like that, like you're his mother... if it were me, you'd be kicked out on your duff faster than you can boot up the Healing After Breakup Or Divorce forum on your phone.

[iBroken]

No, that's not clear at all.

 

The idea that it's okay to lie when you know the other person will be upset with the truth is absurd.

 

 

So when you misbehaved as a child and your parents stood before you clearly angry (possibly holding the belt in their hand) and asked you if you had done something, you never lied out of fear of their reaction?

 

We are human - everyone lies to a degree.

 

If I were her partner and was subject to such interrogation, I too would deny deny deny. No good reaction would come from someone who is badgering you over porn.

 

And to those who are insecure about it, give it up. Its sex on film. And your men dont stand a chance with those girls......

[rocio]

So when you misbehaved as a child and your parents stood before you clearly angry (possibly holding the belt in their hand) and asked you if you had done something, you never lied out of fear of their reaction?

 

When you're a child and you lie, you're punished so that hopefully by the time you're an adult you've figured out that lying is not acceptable.

 

You can't blame your partner for making you lie. If someone is so miserable with their partner that they feel the need to lie, then they should end the relationship before it gets to that point.

 

If I were in the OP's position, I would leave the relationship. If someone can look you in the face and swear up and down something that is untrue, then you've lost the foundation that the relationship is built on. If you're married or have children, then there's perhaps a reason to work through it. But if you're just dating, I say move RIGHT along...

[OptomisticGirl]

I just see that as having no room to make error in a relatinship, and we are all human. We are going to screw up. I'd rather be with someone who is willing to let me make small mistakes than who thinks honesty through and through is the way to go. Everyone dissapoints you in life.. it's about finding the one you are willing to work through the dissapoints.

[PhilliesFan001]

I still don't fully understand why the OP needed to grill the guy incessantly about it. The porn was discovered on his computer; it's pretty obvious who it belongs to. If she's okay with porn and has no issues there, why even ask him about it?

 

The first time he lied should have made it obvious that talking about watching porn makes him uncomfortable. It could be for a thousand reasons but the point is, it's his private business and he doesn't need to tell her about it. If she saw that he felt the need to lie about it, and it's a lie about something she doesn't even care about, I don't see the point in questioning him for 6 hours about it. If he had any issues with shame/embarrassment over porn with his parents as a kid, then I guarantee the 6 hour question-a-thon reminded him of his father: "Whose is this? Why are you lying to me? Is this your porn? Prove to me it isn't!"

 

Let it go girl and stop embarrassing the poor guy.

[hexaemeron]

She won't. She harasses men until they leave her. Check her thread history.

[doyathink]

Your partner owes you the truth...in all situations, good or bad. That builds trust. How are you to trust that person that you love if they lie about the small stuff. Would they not also lie about the big things they've done wrong? Why not if they know you wont push for the truth. You shouldn't have to drill someone for 6 freakin hours to get the truth. An honest answer in the beginning is what I deserve. If someone cant respect me enough to do that, then I would never trust them....and without trust I wouldn't be in that relationship for long.

 

If I watched porn, and I knew it would piss off my partner, then I guess they would have to be pissed. But why would I lie about it? There is no reason to lie. Maturity, and dignity come when you know a lie would be easier, but that isnt an option to you. Telling the truth gets respect from others, and ya dont have to continue telling more lies to cover up the others. I think its funny when someone forgets what they told you so they back track with another lie.

[civilservant]

Fear of the reaction- or have you not read the thread at all? I agree with Hex- you grill me like that you get kicked to the curb because you aren't my mother. He didn't have to justify himself to her, he does 'owe' her anything if he wishes to keep it private. When you're on a relationship yes you largely subjugate yourself to the relationship, but at the same time that dosent mean you're not entitled to A little privacy.

[rocio]

Then say, "I don't consider that to be any of your business" and deal with the consequences.

 

Who gets to set the rules about which things are ok to lie about and which aren't?