OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I never said we broke up and I never said I was thinking about breaking up with him on the porn fact alone THE PERSON WHO STARTED THE POST SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT NOT ME ! YOU ARE NOT PAYING attention we have two different situations with one base in common. Different relationships. Again, was not talking about you. Please stop taking everything I say to mean it's about your situation. It's not, it's about the OPs. Link to comment
LonelyAmaris Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I never said white lies are ok Link to comment
LonelyAmaris Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Ok whatever go away you just quoted what i said though ok lol Link to comment
LonelyAmaris Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I think a lie about something small some ppl think is a white lie meaning not a big deal. Sorry for misunderstanding. And that comment wasn't for you my dear it was for op girl Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I agree but I can understand the six hours of lying if he was constantly being grilled by the OP. She pretty much knew it was him and she kept at him. Under pressure I'd lie about somethign like that too! Especially if I were grilled like a common criminal for six hours. I'm not saying your realtionship doesn't work but in my experience, it doesn't. Doesn't mean yours won't or doesn't. I expected 100% honesty from my ex, thought I HAD to know the answer to every burning question. Turned out it only caused more problems. I take my fiance's words at face value, I trust in everything he tells me but I also know from my own experience, there will be and may alreayd be times a white lie is told to spare my feeligns - for me, I'd rather not know if he thinks about someone else while masturbating. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Ok whatever go away you just quoted what i said though ok lol I quoted you because you were talking TO me. Hence, quote. Link to comment
velvette Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 suppose it all comes down to personal preference! you allow a white lie if it spares your feelings, and he knows that a white lie is acceptable. so it's fine. if I was OP I would be sooo frustrated when I KNEW the truth and the man I loved just wouldn't fess up. what's the point? but at least he DID eventually admit it, and hopefully can find peace within himself too! lol this thread sure exploded, OP will have a lot of reading to do once she comes back. but I guess the gist of it all is, we all have different ideas on acceptable levels of lying, and neither is inherently right or wrong. OP will have to work something out with her partner to restore an adequate amount of trust. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I agree. You have to be on the same page and I just don't think a relatinoship should end over a white lie. Big lie yes, white lie the first go around? It just kind of gives off the vibe that if your partner ever screws up they are out the door. Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 And he probably will lie about things he thinks you will get mad over - whether he took the dog out or the trash out or he was suppose to clean the bath tub and didn't - and every other man in the world will as well. While I somewhat agree with this, it's a childs behavior, not an adult who knows better. I find no excuses. We all make mistakes but owning up to them shows weve matured. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If you feel you need to snoop on someone then the trust is already gone, the relationship is broken, and it is not worth it. If you find the evidence to end the relationship, then end it, don't turn it into a huge fight. Link to comment
velvette Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 as I said, if we understood each other already about how important honesty in a relationship was, and he STILL lied, I don't care if it was a 'little' lie. the consequences would be the same as if he cheated a 'little' or hit me 'just once'. maybe, maybe I could forgive him. but it would be a really hurtful breach of trust. Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 All this talk about 'its a little white lie' well what constitute a little white lie, and who's the judge? Isn't a lie a lie. Are we suppose to examine and evaluate every lie were given, then mull it around a while to see just how big it is? Someone lies to me, and they've instilled mistrust in me. If I'm not worth the truth to them, Ill find someone who is. Link to comment
newsinglegal Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I have read through all posts, and while some topics deviated a bit, all are related. Bottom line, it is truly preference and opinion, what one thinks is a "white" lie, big lie, insignificant, etc. I realized I am ultra sensitive to lie in general based on my own personal experiences. Unfortunately, my current BF is experiencing me after much "baggage" i guess you can say before he met me...i am who i am now, and from now on i prefer to be with someone who is equally as sensitive about "lying" as I am. Link to comment
LonelyAmaris Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Doyathink: I have loved all your comments. We are on same wavel length Link to comment
LonelyAmaris Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Good luck new single girl I hope you find someone that treats you well with equal respect honesty and love Link to comment
doyathink Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Good luck new single girl I hope you find someone that treats you well with equal respect honesty and love Me too. Its brutal out there, and to be honest....I dont know if you'll ever find that one person who can be who you want them to be. Maybe Im jaded (hell, I know I am) but in my 43 years Ive found that men come, and go. Hurt is just part of being in a relationship whether its lying, cheating, porn, laziness...whatever. They're gonna have one of those great qualities and its up to you to decide if you want to live with it, or just live one day at a time and try to enjoy they're company till it all goes to hell Link to comment
velvette Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I have read through all posts, and while some topics deviated a bit, all are related. Bottom line, it is truly preference and opinion, what one thinks is a "white" lie, big lie, insignificant, etc. I realized I am ultra sensitive to lie in general based on my own personal experiences. Unfortunately, my current BF is experiencing me after much "baggage" i guess you can say before he met me...i am who i am now, and from now on i prefer to be with someone who is equally as sensitive about "lying" as I am. oh, that's unfortunate! is he unable to get past this "baggage" of his? perhaps if you worked with him... of course, you're under no obligation to do so, but it seems a pity when the rest of your relationship was so picture perfect (to go by what you said). oh well, best of luck, and I do hope you find what you're looking for! Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I don't know, maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't think his porn viewing is any of your business. Unless it's negatively affecting your sex life or he's placing it over you in his life, or it's an addiction, etc. You said you know all men watch porn, why couldn't you just leave it alone? You found porn on HIS computer, whose did you think it could possibly be? Why the need to even ask him? Of course it's his. The way you pressured him and backed him into a corner for 6 hours of interrogation over it, telling him to prove it's not his...that's a little over the top. I get that you're upset he lied, but the whole porn thing is a really personal topic and maybe he didn't feel comfortable disclosing that to you. Maybe he's ashamed or embarrassed - especially if he's a Christian, perhaps he was brought up to feel like porn is disgusting and wrong, and now it comes natural to him to hide it. Either way, I think the way you reacted was completely inappropriate. Yes it's wrong that he lied about porn, but the way you dragged it out for so long was wrong too. You need to understand *why* he lied about this. It doesn't mean he's going to lie about everything in your relationship. But things like this, I would really just leave alone. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Thank you for your replies. I have read through all posts, and while some topics deviated a bit, all are related. Bottom line, it is truly preference and opinion, what one thinks is a "white" lie, big lie, insignificant, etc. I realized I am ultra sensitive to lie in general based on my own personal experiences. Unfortunately, my current BF is experiencing me after much "baggage" i guess you can say before he met me...i am who i am now, and from now on i prefer to be with someone who is equally as sensitive about "lying" as I am. So because he has baggage you aren't willing to make it work? So much for people accepting people for who they are... Link to comment
tinkerbellkj Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 The way you pressured him and backed him into a corner for 6 hours of interrogation over it, telling him to prove it's not his...that's a little over the top. I get that you're upset he lied, but the whole porn thing is a really personal topic and maybe he didn't feel comfortable disclosing that to you. Maybe he's ashamed or embarrassed - especially if he's a Christian, perhaps he was brought up to feel like porn is disgusting and wrong, and now it comes natural to him to hide it. Either way, I think the way you reacted was completely inappropriate. I agree with this. I also agree that porn is not my business, and I am MARRIED. The OP compared her situation to a Law and Order episode, which I find to be very sad. A relationship is NOT about an interrogation, and you are not the prosecutor. I believe that it goes both ways, if I felt that my husband was lying to me then I need not be in my marriage, and if I felt the need to question my husband for 6 hours over something I can suspect that he'd feel that he didn't need to be in our marriage either. Again, even as a married person I still feel no need to go through my husbands web history (which, I have a hard time believing the OP 'stumbled' accross), his cellphone, or anything else that belongs to him personally. He offers me the same respect. IF I felt there was a problem brewing in our relationship then I would discuss it with him rather than take it upon myself to snoop for some 'evidence' to start an argument. In the OP's case, if someone questioned me for 6 hours, I'd go mad and who knows what the hell I would say just in hopes that the conversation would come to close. Have you ever heard of the expression 'being backed into a corner'? If you want to compare this to Law and Order, it happens all the time. Link to comment
velvette Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 but the 6 hours didn't just happen all at once (obviously)... first he was questioned for a minute, then 10 minutes, then half an hour happened. HE dragged it on as much as she did. it seems inconceivable that he would continuously lie for SO long! however, I really want to know the answer to two questions; 1) does he lie about other little things? (or, does OP suspect he lies about other little things) 2) did he admit he was wrong to lie, once he saw how important honesty was to OP? it's just about communication. if everything else is really great, I really would try to stick it through. this lying is more about covering up than a need to lie, so I feel it can be 'fixed'. of course it's nobody's responsibility to 'fix' another person, and it's up to OP in the end whether or not it's worth fixing... Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Still. Hounding someone for an answer for six hours? That speak of insecurity in that person, not the person lying. Link to comment
velvette Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 how is it insecurity? I see it as stubbornness. "I know he's lying and I want to prove it for myself". how's this insecure at all? overly stubborn, maybe. but if she really cared about honesty, then it wouldn't be overly stubborn for her. and she could've dropped the bomb about how she KNOWS earlier, avoiding the long dragged-out 'battle', but she was hoping he'd confess on his own eventually. I really can understand that. once my friend lied to me about something, and when I confronted her she kept denying until it was impossible (didn't take too long, I put out that I had this and this evidence, so there wasn't anything to lie about). what REALLY hurt me was the period of denial before she saw I had so much evidence against her. what she lied about was not a big deal at all, and I told her so! from the beginning. but just the fact she felt the need to keep denying until she saw that there was 0 chance I would believe her, and then quickly turn around and say 'yeah sorry I'm really sorry'. she wasn't sorry she lied, she's sorry she got caught. my respect for her went down and I don't feel as close to her as before. it's just, wow really? why not just admit it and move on? it would've been so much better if she admitted it herself, as soon as I brought it up, instead of requiring me to list the evidence. luckily she's not someone I'm in an intimate relationship with, so it hurts less that she's like that. whatever, I just found out she can lie to me without remorse; good thing I'm not dating her! however, if my boyfriend were to do the same thing, out of sheer frustration I would probably hound him until he fessed up, without telling him how I knew until afterwards. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 The fact she let it go on for SIX HOURS. If honesty is SO important to her she herself should have come right out and said, 'I know you did this. why?' instead of dragging it out and grilling the poor guy for six hours. Perhaps I have a jaded view of the world - I refuse to have anythign but an honest relationship but at the same time I can see the flaws in humans and realize we make mistakes. I just don't understand how people can ruin relationships and friendships over little white lies that don't harm people. Big, huge lies sure... but you're willing to let a friendship go over something that even you admitted was small? *shakes head* Whose really the bad friend... the friend who told a small lie or the friend whose willing to five up so easily on a friendship? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 All I have to say is some of you in this thread deserve nothing less than to be alone forever. You're going to zero-tolerance yourselves into being old, (more) bitter, and making tiny little meals for yourselves until the end of time. But hey, at least it'll be your choice! So more power to you. Seriously, I'm just aghast at some of the responses here. I hope some of you get professional help. You need it. Link to comment
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