i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Understand you'd be sincere, but I think it's best not to send any message to her.

I feel this is giving too much heart to someone who doesn't feel the same way for me. But i'm sure there's love there somewhere. I'm sure she'll cry if and when she reads this. I'm not sure why i want to send this but right now, i'm not myself to appear confident. I'm not sure she'd appreciate someone who's confessing so much about his life to her right now. I don't know. I am just glad i got to put my thoughts down.

 

You answered your concerns in your posts. Let it be. Just post the letter here or in the THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2 thread. You want to appear strong, not weak and needy.

[anthony4]

Seems like the majority of that letter is downing yourself, and primarily blaming yourself. Hope you don't send it.

[sfindependent]

nope, won't send it. That's why i posted it on here just to kinda vent it out.

 

I'm trying to transition from reading posts like "get your ex back" to "top ten traits of a real man" and "manning up from a break up"... that sort of thing. i feel i've dwelled in it enough and i gotta pick myself up from now on. I'm really tired of being emotionally needy, clinging onto hope that we'd get back together (when obviously we're not), whiny and overall depressed. There's so much in my life i can focus on that i can improve that getting hung up on her isn't helping me do that.

 

As i mentioned in the letter. I have really looked into myself and have been reading up on other things i can improve on myself and honestly, i've forgotten how to be a man. I feel what i wrote on the letter is an acknowledgement that "hey, I have f*cked up my end of the relationship and I'm doing something about it" But I just want to move on now. I want to just have all the inherent qualities of a good man. a real man for a woman. I want to love the right way. I wish i had gotten wind of it earlier on in the relationship but hell. practice makes perfect.

 

another thing is that i wrote it because i wanted to own up on the things I did and didn't do. I know just by doubting myself on sending it is a clear indication i shouldn't

 

i want to send her "happy valentines day" but that would contra NC. i don't know if it's a good thing to let her know i was thinking about her today. So i guess i shouldn't. I don't know why i can't stop thinking about her instead of thinking about me, despite the actual break happening a month ago, and her moving on at lightning fast speed and getting new friends and having a new life, i feel like i'm struggling to find mine despite it being on my actual fingertips.

 

im trying not to whine anymore, but gaddamn this is excruciating. I'm glad to get the letter off my chest a bit, only makes it feel a bit bad for me that I know it'll be going to deaf ears.

 

I hope brief therapy works

 

Onward and Forward.

[anthony4]

not deaf ears. some of what you wrote, i see myself in. like loving her despite her faults. of course some of her faults i shouldn't overlook but she did state on more than one occasion that she felt she couldn't say or do anything right. regardless of whether i was too hard on her or not the relationship crumbled over time. she's starting a new life with someone else, lterally, the guy is moving 800 miles leaving children and grandchild to start this thing - less than a month since she said she didn't want anyone else. for me, it really does make NC easier, two reasons - she is so far from wanting to hear from me for sure, and for her to fly into something this serious so soon, she was either deceptive for some time, or is that desperate. day 23 tomorrow, and VD was a tad weird. or "Singles Awareness Day" a young gal friend on Facebook today called it that - kinda cute.

[sfindependent]

shoot. gave in. sent her an IM and wished her happy valentines. i think she left her computer on at work. i said hey u online (she was about or if not have left for work), just wanted to wish u a happy vday. (sent her a link) thought this would make u laugh. i dont know wht i was trying to achieve but i really didnt expect anything back. ugh. always giving her a reason to push further into her new life... ugh.

 

on another note, after sending her that im i got home, boxed her gifts and her letters and put em away.

 

i miss her so much

[sfindependent]

she im'd back. im kinda surprised that she did. idle chitchat. got a good reaction from the link i sent her. it was brief but i was endin it by sayin i wanted to just greet her happy vday and she replied "its cool just dong my taxes. was about to make dinner anyway. bid her bye and said no pressure no worries im happy ur in a good place" i want to hit my head through the wall when i sent that. ugh. pathetic.

 

on another note. oh god i decided to treat myself to a nice dinner at a japanese restaurant by myself and im still lookin

dressed up coz of work clothes. im eating around a sea of couples and my allergy starred acting up. teary eyed and runny nose. i look like i got stood up on v day damnit

 

epic fail on all levels bahahaha

[MakeItCount]

Dude. You have to stop talking to her.

[sfindependent]

ugh i know. its f@@king pathetic

 

after realing how pathetic that convo went i deleted my chat app. so i wont see her there and wont be tempted. i dont think think theres anything else to tempt me to talk to her

[dramallama]

I can't believe you've dragged this out for so long. It's kinda a no-brainer.

[sfindependent]

i know. To think about it, we've been officially broken up for a month or so now. It's been long over due. That's why i've an appointment tomorrow with a therapist. I know it sounds extreme, but I'm tired of feeling weak and giving in to the urge to contact her. It's really not doing me any good by holding on to something that's been dead for so long. I'm more anxious than depressed and starting to lose focus in everything. I don't even know why i feel such pointless feelings anymore. i just do. I deleted my gchat app. so i won't be tempted to talk to her.

 

it's funny. i took her off of my photo apps friends list on my phone a while back and she went through it last night and commented on a couple of pics despite her being off my list of friends. weird, but she did so after we talked on gchat last night.

 

I did manage to get a girl's number last night during dinner. She looked like Chloe Kardasian. I was having dinner by myself when her and her sister came in and sat down beside my table. They were dressed up and I struck a conversation with them. hehehe. made them laugh told me they were down t hang out again so we exchanged numbers. Debating on texting them tomorrow to hang on thursday for a fwe beers.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I did manage to get a girl's number last night during dinner. She looked like Chloe Kardasian. I was having dinner by myself when her and her sister came in and sat down beside my table. They were dressed up and I struck a conversation with them. hehehe. made them laugh told me they were down t hang out again so we exchanged numbers. Debating on texting them tomorrow to hang on thursday for a fwe beers.

That's great. Striking up conversation with a couple of women who you meet at a restaurant.

As I always say, the best way to get over lost love is with new love.

 

Go ahead and meet them but be careful about getting too emotionally attached so soon. You're still a wreck, as your post title says.

Rebound relationships often fail. It wouldn't be fair to them or to yourself if you get your hopes up too high. Be nonchalant and not expect anything.

If it develops into something, that's fine.

[ClarenceRutherford]

BTW, did you consider what I said about your description of your "lovemaking"?

It sounded like it wasn't anything she liked, and just endured it for sake of the relationship. (You posted it caused a lot of arguments).

 

Didn't that tell you something about her?

[anthony4]

You could also tell them you're still reeling over a past LTR.

 

Sorry Fla.man

Gotta disagree on that. TMI. Unless he just wants to end up friends with her. But yeah, he should play it cool and not expect much.

[ClarenceRutherford]

You're right. Not a good plan. Just don't get too involved too soon as it could hurt him and the other.

I edited my earlier advice out as it wasn't good.

[sfindependent]

lol, thanks fellas. i know my limits when it comes to getting close to any woman, or anyone for that matter. I've grown a thick skin as far as expectations and the like. i guess that's what attracts a number of women to me. I don't pressure, just chill.

 

as far as this chick, not expecting anything with her. she did have big hoohoos which were pushed up so far up her chin, if she got in an accident, she'd break her jaw with them things... lol

 

She's a good looking woman, and you know who hangs out with good looking women? OTHER good looking women. She's a student taking up sociology, and you know what else? Women take up sociology.

 

I'm not going to invest on this one, hell no. I wanna meet her friends first. My motto before i met the last ex?

 

"collect and select".

 

Love my life.

 

Onward and forward.

 

PS oh yeah, the sex part? She gave me so many reasons, and as a good BF, i tried to be understanding... she had a lot of issues that I knew could be a factor. She never got counseling when we had our baby aborted; she said "it's the worst feeling i had in my life" physically, but i am sure there's some emotional ties to her and her association with sex coz of the loss and extreme traumatic pain. Also was a transplant from another state, no friends, no work etc. Lief was difficult and we both thought it was because of all that and not directly related to me. I was trying to be a supportive bf. But of course frustration due to sucky sex from both sides tend to come out... negatively.

[Real Deal]

Brother, I can't believe you IM'd her. I mean seriously man. I was with my ex wife for THIRTEEN years and was busted up as hell and missed her but was able to do NC (well, very limited contact due to kids) so I would certainly hope you could have the discipline to do it for a freaking week at least over a relationship that was only a couple of years or whatever. I mean seriously. Don't take this the wrong way (or maybe you should) but you're pretty damn needy with this chick. Not that it is super uncommon, but seriously man. Think about it? How weak does it sound if you are like:

 

"happy V-day, I know you dumped me because you said you are not attracted to you and I told you I am happy and moving on but I am sitting here in my small apartment (your words to her last week) missing you and realizing how lost I am without you."

 

Regardless of what you "IM'd" about this is what she thought.

 

C'mon and man up and have some self-respect. We are here for you but I can't stand watching guys play themselves out.

[ClarenceRutherford]

That's some "tough love" he needs. Granted, we've all done what he's done and I've nursed over a past love, but this going back to her time after time isn't gonna move your forward.

[sfindependent]

I know, Real.

 

I set myself up for that one. Harsh words, its painful to read, especially coming from you, i just squirmed from discomfort.true words tho. man, i appreciate you sharing your painful experience. In a way, i do understand that despite my problems, someone somewhere is hurting from an even more painful experience. not to discount what my experiences are and not to be an @ss, but sure is nice to know someone else has it more difficult than me. Makes mine easier to deal with in a way.

 

I woke up today and started work early. I'm One good thing is that today, I've started to pick up back at work. Meeting them girls last night, getting a really flirty message from another HB9 is making me feel a bit better. I made a list of changes i need to make (including NC) with my life, overall. I suppose i need to be prepared for the rapist tomorrow.

 

I'm looking forward to this dental thing. Today is the first day. I'll be coming in to have my teef deep cleaned (OUCH) and the second part on thursday.

 

Working yesterday was a drag, but i found it therapeutic and significant to box her stuff on Valentines day after work. After chatting with her (ugh, i am very aware of how stupid that was) i decided to forego the gym and treat myself to a nice dinner.

 

Going back to the HB9 (she's not the mexican girl i got the number from last night, hehe), she's an old friend who's always been someone I have good conversations with. Frankly coz she's been taking her master's in psychology and we're both in the mental health industry. It also kinda helps we've drunkenly made out once in my car a LOOOONG time ago. I mean, she is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. She's 5'8 bout 125lbs, full blooded Russian, grey eyes, perfect teeth. as far as i know she's single. I messaged her the other day that i live around her area now and her reply was:

 

"ohhhh, you're right by my favorite store- have u ever heard of ____? i'm not sure when i'll get the chance to hang out- grad school is so busy. but we should definitely hang soon with everyone (except for ___ and all of them, lol)"

 

"with everyone except all of them"?

 

Sounds like she wants us to hang by ourselves. I am grinning from ear to ear. Damn, that woman is gorgeous.

[ClarenceRutherford]

lPS oh yeah, the sex part? She gave me so many reasons, and as a good BF, i tried to be understanding... she had a lot of issues that I knew could be a factor. She never got counseling when we had our baby aborted; she said "it's the worst feeling i had in my life" physically, but i am sure there's some emotional ties to her and her association with sex coz of the loss and extreme traumatic pain. Also was a transplant from another state, no friends, no work etc. Lief was difficult and we both thought it was because of all that and not directly related to me. I was trying to be a supportive bf. But of course frustration due to sucky sex from both sides tend to come out... negatively.

SF, want to say I think you handled that situation well. Some guys would have been relieved of her decision or cut and run had she kept your child.

You didn't want what she decided, and I think you did the right thing as you had no control over her decision.

She regrets doing that and it's clear that decision affected her--- and your relationship.

BTW, I would have acted the way you did - urged her to keep it or give it up for adoption - and would have done all I could to support her and her child.

[sfindependent]

SF, want to say I think you handled that situation well. Some guys would have been relieved of her decision or cut and run had she kept your child.

You didn't want what she decided, and I think you did the right thing as you had no control over her decision.

She regrets doing that and it's clear that decision affected her--- and your relationship.

BTW, I would have acted the way you did - urged her to keep it or give it up for adoption - and would have done all I could to support her and her child.

 

 

yeah, I actually WANTED it. I'm getting to the point where i wouldn't mind having an unplanned child already. It'll be better if it were planned but heck, you take what life gives you. I was very supportive of her. I mean, took her to the appointments, took her to the actual appointment, waited outside etc etc. That was only just few months into our relationship. I urged her to get into counseling but she refused saying "it's nothing. I'm over the experience". Who knows, maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. Another factor that I think happened was since June last year, we attended a couple of weddings, and these friends of mine have bought houses established jobs and careers, and are wanting/expecting babies this year. I've been verbal about wanting to have the same for my life with her so i wouldn't be surprised if that could've been a part (not the sole) of the reason she wanted to break up and party immediately.

 

ah women. You can never tell. At least men are more predictable.

[ClarenceRutherford]

yeah, I actually WANTED it. I'm getting to the point where i wouldn't mind having an unplanned child already. It'll be better if it were planned but heck, you take what life gives you.

I felt the same way.

My wife and I don't have kids, and don't really want any (we wouldn't do anything to stop one from coming, though!!) but a year or so before we got married, we had a condom break. Yikes.

 

She nearly panicked.

I remember just laying there, not upset or nervous at all. I held her and told her it would be all right and that I'm planning to marry her, regardless of what happens.

(We had been talking about getting engaged though it wasn't official yet). Of course, she didn't want to have to be pressured to get married, so I understand her panic.

(All of her bros. and sisters had out of wedlock children).

 

I look back on that and realize that if that had happened 4-5 years earlier, I may have been the one that panicked. That's the risk you take when you get that close to another....

ah women. You can never tell. At least men are more predictable.

NO ONE. I mean NO ONE can guess what goes on in women's heads.

I like what a wise philosopher once said to his older bro. on an old TV show:

"I'm never gonna get mixed-up with girls..."

[Real Deal]

We only want the best for you man. Good stuff on the other women. Just make sure you don't go from the frying pan to the fire and fall in love too quick...haha.

[sfindependent]

"by getting to the point of..." i meant, if it happens it happens. I would like to have a child one day and I felt good about us even at that point.

 

by the last few months she's waxed and waned, when i brought it up she said "if it happens, it happens" meaning a pregnancy, then she'll turn and complain we don't use condoms anymore despite her not having any Birth control. That was the only time we stopped drinking. We decided together what to do and obviously, she had more control and I respected that. She wanted it partly because of I wanted to keep it. We made the list and I was a big part of the "pros"... but that was a looooong time ago.

 

looking at it positively, at least i got away with no child support issues No offense to those that do.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Going back to the HB9 (she's not the mexican girl i got the number from last night, hehe), she's an old friend who's always been someone I have good conversations with. Frankly coz she's been taking her master's in psychology and we're both in the mental health industry.

 

It also kinda helps we've drunkenly made out once in my car a LOOOONG time ago. I mean, she is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. She's 5'8 bout 125lbs, full blooded Russian, grey eyes, perfect teeth. as far as i know she's single. I messaged her the other day that i live around her area now

...

Sounds like she wants us to hang by ourselves. I am grinning from ear to ear. Damn, that woman is gorgeous.

Hey, send her this way! I think I'm in love (or lust).

[sfindependent]

We only want the best for you man. Good stuff on the other women. Just make sure you don't go from the frying pan to the fire and fall in love too quick...haha.

 

 

No no no. I'm well aware of my "codependency" issues. As a matter of fact, with the ex, i intentionally held off on saying "i love you" to her and when i did told her "i've been hurt a lot, please be careful with me" something like that. i didnt say it pathetically, but in a more "hey, i'm banking on you so you better play it right" tone.

 

After the 1st real bad BU i experienced a few years back, i stopped "falling in love" too quick. i guess that's why i'm still hung up on this one, since i invested a lot of personal trust in her.

 

appreciate the concerns man. thats why i try to follow them (much to my failure)...