i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[anthony4]

at least you're the first to admit someone should have slapped you out of it.

make it happen in the garage.

then NC.

we're all pullin for ya

i have stuff at my ex's too, she said i could take my time getting the rest. i should arrange getting it when she's not there to show her i've moved on, i can even do it without contacting her, there are other people living in the house. maybe i just want her to know it's there and think of the guy she lost, i dunno. the dryer in her basement, i just don't have room for...

[sfindependent]

maybe i just want her to know it's there and think of the guy she lost, i dunno

. exactly. thats why im sorta glad she still has our photos up her wall. it makes me feel like she hasnt move on and holding onto something. but as i said she just might be lazy to put em down, who knows? does having personal effects make them think of u? what good does that do, really?

[askltk]

. exactly. thats why im sorta glad she still has our photos up her wall. it makes me feel like she hasnt move on and holding onto something. but as i said she just might be lazy to put em down, who knows? does having personal effects make them think of u? what good does that do, really?

 

I wouldnt try and purposefully leave things there - hoping that she'll look up one day and think "I miss him". Chances are, in time, these will be either, sold, binned or put in the attic / wardrobe to gather dust.

 

My Ex still has loads of my things (we never lived together, but i stayed at her parents pretty much every night). This includes a few items of clothes which I love, but she took ownership of (hoody, t-shirt). I dont want it back because i think she'll miss me when wearing them. I dont want them because they remind me of her.

 

I'm on the same road as you mate, If anything I'm further behind. keep it up!

[Real Deal]

I know. I think my self image is pretty good. I feel good about myself. I've dated seriously (monogmously, and lived with) with 8-9's and she's a pretty 8. yes, I am asian but that's never stopped me from dating white women. As a matter of fact, i do not date asians at all, so it's not a white is better mentality (meh, asians are overrated and i think they think they're the bomb). So it's not that. In a way, i'm not surprised that she's seeing him. I'm the only non-white she's ever dated so she's probably not used to the cultural difference despite dating for 2andsome years...

 

Good

 

I've made a decision that i will from now on, confirmed or not, think the worst. She's dating him already. Whether or not this is true, it will for my sake, be better for me to think that so that I'm more likely to move on faster. After all, it is JUST sex. I've dated women both who were virgins at the time i had fun with them and women who've had more than 10 partners. So, it's time for me to face the facts. She's going to sleep with this guy. She's lonely, needing affirmation, and well, we've not had good sex in months. She's also probably hurting. She's known me for my way with women so she's probably under the impression i'm having the best time of my life.

 

Good again.

 

 

you moving out without discussing with her,

 

I think not. You guys "discussed" it too much already IMO. Or you explained all of your perceived shortcomings. Bad move. Bottom line is most of the time a woman never gives you all the real reasons why she is leaving you and never will. Accept and move on.

 

 

me: I'll pick up the rest of my stuff on Saturday. Is that Ok

Her: Um, I guess, what all u want? Just boxed stuff or ur book cases and what not

Me: Just the boxed stuff, keep the book cases and table. Are u planning on being there?

Me: What in the boxed stuff anyway

Her: Um I don't know what I'm doing Saturday what time you thinking? Um Misc stuff but u also have towels sheets and kitchen stuff

Her: I can get them ready, and I can always put in garage if you prefer

Me: Either way, not too much towels. I don't have space here. The Tv is heavy

Me: You can keep the pics and all my gifts for you. I just want the essentials.

Her: Ok, well I will box your stuff and you can decide what to do with it. If u need them stored for a while here that's fine if you donate it all fine, i just don't want to be responsible for it

Her: the furniture is fine tho, i'm using it

Me: lol, ok

Me: Do you still have our pics up (BIG MISTAKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I DID THIS)( We have a ton of pics in the house. Plus a mural with a bunch of memorabilia)

Her: Yea

Me: It was nice to see them up on the wall. Made me smile.

Me: too lazy to take em down?

Her: Maybe

Me: It's ok, i have your coi fish painting up my desk (it's a beautiful painting she made and gave it to me for my first birthday with her)

Her: Its yours

Me: I know but you gave it to me and i treasure it.

Me: I like that you have our pics and and I have a piece of you up mine too (UGH..... * * * was i thinking???)

Me: Kinda cute, even if ur just too laze to put em down, lol

Her:

Me: I took the calendar with me (she made a calendar for me with a bunch of pics... really creative with a sexy december shot of her)

Me: I have it in a box among all the other stuff i'm debating on putting up (Really? I should have some slap me by this time)

Her: Please don't put the calendar up (its coz of the sexy pics, i assume)

me: lol no. The year is over

Her: Plus you left half of your wall hangings... Owl City poster is one (she made me a framed poster of Owl City whom we saw together)

Me: I took the bug one and the painting we made

Me: the one i put the orange star on that you painted over

Her: I know (by this time i should have shut the f up and let it go like this, but noooooo)

Me: are u home? (WHY DID I ASK THAT???)

her: yes

Me: oops sorry didnt meant to ask that

Me: out of habit

Me: Gotta go it was nice to chat with you and know we both have our own S*it up the wall. it really made me smile and think good thoughts about you. i hope you're doing well. gnyt.

her: night

Me: (Someone should have shot me by then but..) first thing i ever put up was the coi fish painting and it made my place a lot homier. ill let u know more about me picking up my s*hit when it comes. I know you said something about u wanting me to pick it up and i wanted you to know i heard that. sweet dreams.

 

I literally just threw up in my own mouth. I will not go over each of the things that you said wrong because you already know so that will do nothing for you. Basically all you did was convey that you are still pinning for her bad and thinking about the "good old days". Instead of beating the dead horse about F'ing this one up ask yourself this - Is there ANYTHING in the exchange that projects that you are in control of your emotions and a confident man that is getting on with his life? Treat is all as a business transaction. Be nice but business. No chit chat, No "aww that is so cute, it makes me smile" BS. Notice how her replies are short and concise. That is what women do when they are fed up or repulsed when us men act like a wuss (I have so many more colorful words I could use but I have gotten a bunch of infractions points or whatever from the nazis that police this site).

 

You already know what you did wrong so don't dwell on it. BTW - there is no continue NC for you, you are starting over now. Good luck bro...

[sfindependent]

I know. I am literally repulsed by what i said. I am kicking myself in the nuts right now.

 

I was sitting in our conference room in our early morning meeting and I realized this:

 

I am living in a drama filled life right now. I hate that. I mean, there's constant chaos going through my head and I'm letting the rest of my life be affected by it. Despite me showing a pretty good face in front of people and isolating myself from friends (i do not want to involve my drama with my friends). I am constantly trying to play it out in my head various scenarios and its a complete waste of my brain cells. I noticed the short replies and obviously i let myself be snow balled into something that would push her away rather than pull her back. I'll have to retract myself from the situation again and remain stronger.

 

 

 

For a minute i was, admittedly. I don't think that it's benefitting me either nowadays. I mean, if she is repulsed by my prescence (in which i still don't know why), then having all these reminders of me and her may only reinforce these negative thoughts in her head.

 

 

 

I don't know how much of that actually occurred. I mean, I agree she's fed up with the wusiness that i've been portraying by not picking up my emotional baggage and walking off with it. That should be the man that I should portray, not someone who reminisces on good old days. Men walk out, don't look back and f the feeling off. She is hating me right now for walking out and making her feel like i've moved on. She said it so herself before i went on "NC" (i put it "" there because that was a lousy excuse for an NC), that she had the impression that i've moved on... THAT should have continued, not "its making me smile"... positive thoughts yeh, right (insert sarcasm)... positive for her that I've not moved on and thus feeding her ego and her anger, and probably not beneficial for a prospective reconciliation. I don't know if she really understands why i left and why i did the things i did. I think she perceives it as something to hurt her intentionally. Something i am not really doing on purpose.

 

What do i do now?

[Real Deal]

Sit tight and be cool. You are soooo lucky that you can do NC (no kids, house to sell, etc.). I was the master at LC (or shall I say VLC). They get soooo mad but if you want to know why read that article again. Think about this - do NOT worry about her thinking you don't care at all from NC. You showed her that you still wanted her already and she rejected that. It is not like you broke up with her and then went NC. Even though NC is 100% for you the side effect is it shows you are strong and that you are moving on. Why would she want you back if she knows that she can act like a b*tch and you still want her depsite this. It shows that you have no self-respect. I PROMISE you if you move on with your life she will want you back at some point or at least test the waters to see where you are at/thinking/feeling. Don't close yourself off from friends. Go out and have fun. You will survive this, you will move on and you will heal.

[sfindependent]

thanks for the support man. It's really nice to hear someone who's been through this with positive results. obviously, i'm not in the right mind set to act the appropriate way. you can tell that what you perceived as a negative communication with her when i broke NC, i saw as "ooh, i think i got a bit of positive thoughts in her head" and "i left it on a good note! I hope that's ok" Truth is, I can never know what is going on in her head. I will never know. If that was a good thing to do, great. A light bulb must have snapped in her head. If not, then oh well. NC again. Was it really that bad? i felt it was a bit nonchalant but sweet as well......Ugh. You're right, she might not be ready for "sweet" from me.

 

In looking back at my own experiences with past exes, I'm thinking, "if only i held back and gave her space, i might have let her miss me." I should do that with this one. Maybe a different outcome will arise. I'm putting my faith in the boards for support and guidance. I do want another chance with her, and following people's advice here will surely increase the probability.

 

After thinking last night and today, i'm thinking, I don't need this drama in my life. Really i don't. I don't need to feel this way. I've detached myself from so many things such as guilt over a friend who can't get their life straight or to even simply with the people here who i work with. i can detach. I shouldn't take this personally and just be over this. I should just do about my own business and get my life back on track.

 

what do i need to do then? I mean, she said she can take it down herself.

 

Do i just vanish again or do i announce NC? soooo many questions...I'm still a little shaken by this other dude's presence but i'm slowly accepting the fact that i can't do squat about it. Let her do what she wants, be him a friend or a lover. She will find her own way out of this mess.

 

in relation to my stuff:

 

i'm thinking of just saying "hey, it was nice to talk to you about my stuff the other day. I'm glad you still have some of our stuff out, really. i don't mind if you hold on to the kitchen stuff and the towels and whatnot. I'll pick up the rest some other time if you don't mind placing them in the garage for me, thanks."

 

It's weird, i keep thinking to myself, "it sure would be nice to call her" or "i wonder how she's doing without me"... I GOT NEWS FOR MYSELF... pretty dang good knowing she's with this guy! ugh.

 

Do i also announce FB deletion? I mean, i've done all my detachment without announcing it to her and she's gotten peeved about it... i should just go ahead and leave, huh?

 

what do you mean, sit tight and be cool?

[sfindependent]

the FTOW idea, i think that's what she's doing... latching on to this guy. and I think that's what she thinks i'm doing as well. not that it matters but yeah. she knows i'm good at the art of pick up and probably thinks that. i guess that works on my favor despite me NOT doing anything impulsive like that...

 

i just keep thinking to myself... "i'm doing this break up the right way"... a) mourn it the right way, no binge drinking, no drunk calls, no drunk texts. So much so she's mentioned that she thought i moved on. I should keep it that way. I really hope you know what you folks are saying about NC and reconciling, coz i'm throwing caution in the wind now..

[Real Deal]

No, do not tell her you deleted her or are going to.

 

Do not say "hey, it was nice to talk to you about my stuff the other day. I'm glad you still have some of our stuff out, really. i don't mind if you hold on to the kitchen stuff and the towels and whatnot. I'll pick up the rest some other time if you don't mind placing them in the garage for me, thanks."

 

In fact, wait a week or so on the other stuff. She will reach out to you and if/when she does simply be cool and say "just put it in the garage and I will try to get by over the next few days, thanks!!!". No more - no less.

 

Never pay attention to what they say, it is all driven by emotion. Pay attention to what they do. Anything short of her saying "we need to talk" (or some iteration of the like) and wanting to meet with you means nothing. If/when that goes down, do not do it right away either (wait a few days). That is far off for now so do not wait on it. It will happen when you least expect it to.

 

Like I said, you are lucky in that you do not have the kid thing to deal with. Unfortunately I have to reach out to my ex to arrange visitation at times (we live 400 miles apart so it is non-standard) and she will ignore it for a day or two and sometimes not respond at all like she is trying to punish me. My sitch is at the point now where all of that had played itself out (NC/LC) and I really do not care but it shows that she is bitter and still hung up on things and is pissed because I am not wanting her and have moved on (not just because of another woman either). Either way you get to a point where it really has no affect on you and you almost feel sorry for the ex because they got exactly what they wanted but have no power/control over you anymore and it absoulutely kills their ego. Indifference is they key here. Not hate, not love, but total indiffernce.

[sfindependent]

That is far off for now so do not wait on it. It will happen when you least expect it to.

 

you mean by that little exchange we had, set her off that far? Or just her overall behavior?

 

Indifference is they key here. Not hate, not love, but total indiffernce.

 

that is a great line.

 

So just poof. gone. from FB? just like that, huh.

 

well i already said i'll pick it up on saturday, so i think i screwed myself over for that. (again, slap in the face)indifference i agree on, but not holding up to when i say i'll do something... i don't know. oh btw the stuff that I have of hers are the expensive plastic crates that i used to move my stuff.

 

i'm sure she'll have something very hurtful to say to me one of these days. whether it be instigated by me or not. I know it's coming. I just don't want it to be on her terms where in she can say stuff like "hey, i've not heard from you when you told me that you'll be picking the stuff up this saturday. I've got plans with someone so let me know when you can pick it up instead". Ouch, Just thinking of the stuff she can tell me already hurts, what more? sh*t, i'm taking this too personally, i just realized. I shouldn't.

 

I hate over analyzing stuff. i guess people who've recently been dumped do feel this way.

 

And as far as my car in the garage... I've to tell her when i do get the parts to work on it that I'm coming over right?

[MakeItCount]

Well, I think if you stop here, you are still doing okay. This just proves you don't have what it takes to be indifferent at the moment.I know, I've been there. Again, and again, and again. Yeah, it's embarrassing. But, you learn. Now stop with the mushy crap. Keep it business only like Real said. That's all you can do, and it's the best thing to do.

 

It's kinda funny, my ex's new bf is asian. She went from tall and white to asian Should we hate each other yet?

[sfindependent]

Never pay attention to what they say, it is all driven by emotion. Pay attention to what they do. Anything short of her saying "we need to talk" (or some iteration of the like) and wanting to meet with you means nothing. If/when that goes down, do not do it right away either (wait a few days). That is far off for now so do not wait on it. It will happen when you least expect it to.

 

how can i tell that there's still residual feelings? Feelings that she can still use? Is it the whole fact that I can still get a reaction from her?

 

I'm beginning to see where you're coming from... basically if one doesn't want me, i shouldn't stay or linger any longer than i have to... i should just leave. NC is part of that. I've a feeling now that she's heard from me or if she keeps hearing from me, instead of her having feelings of missing me, she instead will have feelings of repulsion. I mean, i pointed out to a different thread here, that if it was the other way around, i would like that pest who i dumped to leave me alone while i enjoy the facts of life. I guess it's the same fear i'm feeding off of, that if i were in her position, i would NOT come back at all. I've made up my mind that we're not compatible and i'm attracted to her at all. but that's my logical "man" brain talking, not an emotional "woman" brain.

 

I do think i should let her know that i can't pick it up despite me saying i will. I really don't care for the stuff that's there (everything is replaceable) and the ones that I do care about, she'll put in the garage. Once i say that, i should de friend her on FB and remove all our pics that are up. She's probably having the time of her life right now and i'm sitting here sulking and wondering what the heck she's up to and that's not very cool. I should be able to just let go.

 

I need to move on. sigh.

[sfindependent]

Well, I think if you stop here, you are still doing okay. This just proves you don't have what it takes to be indifferent at the moment.I know, I've been there. Again, and again, and again. Yeah, it's embarrassing. But, you learn. Now stop with the mushy crap. Keep it business only like Real said. That's all you can do, and it's the best thing to do.

 

It's kinda funny, my ex's new bf is asian. She went from tall and white to asian Should we hate each other yet? ahahahahha better yet, we can exchange notes.

 

what do you mean by i'm doing ok? ok not made a fool of myself or ok, something else more positive (i know i hate being too positive right now... BU is still so fresh)

 

what do u think about being appropriate about letting her know i changed my mind about picking up my stuff? I did tell her in our exchange that either way she can put it in the garage or i can pick it up.

 

I'm hopeful she's holding on to something. I mean, her actions do state that she's still has our pics up and her reply to me kidding about her being lazy is "maybe".. she's mentioned a couple of times that she hasn't even boxed it up yet. Or maybe she's just too busy with her new boy toy, i don't know.

[MakeItCount]

This is where the problem lies so early in a breakup. You keep over analyzing everything, and that's why NC works such wonders. Eventually, you stop. Re-read your posts. Every action you make is with her feelings in mind. Who gives a crap if she has pics up, if she has a new boytoy, if she's having the time of her life (which she isn't by the sounds of how frustrated she is). We always assume the worst man, it's RARELY the case. Trust me on this.

 

Go either way with the stuff. If you don't want to see her, then just go pick it up from the garage. I think that may be best. I say this because I don't trust you to not be mushy with her when you see her! I know because I wouldn't trust myself either in your situation.

 

You're doing okay because you haven't pushed TOO TOO far yet. But this has to stop. BUSINESS ONLY!!! Keep reminding yourself that.

[anthony4]

what do u think about being appropriate about letting her know i changed my mind about picking up my stuff? I did tell her in our exchange that either way she can put it in the garage or i can pick it up.

 

Personally i don't see anything wrong with that. you could throw in something like " i've since made some other plans" that would throw her off maybe and you could regain some of what you think you lost last night. You know, make her wonder for a change??

[sfindependent]

Go either way with the stuff. If you don't want to see her, then just go pick it up from the garage. I think that may be best. I say this because I don't trust you to not be mushy with her when you see her! I know because I wouldn't trust myself either in your situation.

 

haha, yeah. I don't want her to see the look of sadness in my face when I see her. I know just even imagining seeing her right now and thinking (by putting the worst scenario in my head) being intimate with this new man is making me angry, bitter and just overall not a happy dude. I will look like an idiot stumbling around for words, even with just my actions.

 

You're doing okay because you haven't pushed TOO TOO far yet. But this has to stop. BUSINESS ONLY!!! Keep reminding yourself that.

 

Yeah i don't think i've been PUSHY like "lets try it out cmon"... but the way i talk may seem a bit manipulative, especially to someone who's a bit sensitive to everything at this point. I am just soooo wanting to transition from NC to "talking" and "hanging" already. Like "dating" already. eeep. i know, self delusional right? she seems to be open to start communicating by her quick response. Guarded, but responsive.

 

In truth though, i know if i'm hurting right now, i suppose she is too. I can't imagine being with someone right now because I cannot give them the attention i need to give... nor can i "perform" in bed because I'll be too emotional about wanting to be with someone else. i can't imagine her having an easier time than I am... By me being there even with LC, however if she sees me (weak wuss etc) her negative outlook towards me will be constantly be reinforced because i'm there to reinforce it. i understand. Especially her hating the fact that I'm changing for the better wouldn't do me any good.

 

I've a feeling that she's trying her best to get over me and if she does get intimate with this guy too soon, she'll end up regretting it. She said when we were still together "it doesn't feel right having sex with you anymore"... ouch. But i guess it was the masculine-feminine switch that happened within the relationship. She does know i'm respecting her feelings. If she decides to sleep with him right now i don't think it'll feel too good either. am i correct to assume this?

 

I need to NOT do anything for her to "switch" her outlook on me, i am beginning to see that. I mean, when i left and stopped seeing her, i gave the impression that people are starting to notice a change in me and she hated that fact i didn't do it while we were together. Is by not doing anything going to make her think that someone else may benefit from this new and improved me? I don't know. Its stupid how i'm grasping at straws.

 

Personally i don't see anything wrong with that. you could throw in something like " i've since made some other plans" that would throw her off maybe and you could regain some of what you think you lost last night. You know, make her wonder for a change??

 

I like that idea... i mean, i hope you understand (and i'm not trying to see her or find connection with her still by using our stuff together as an excuse to do so, in fact i'm scared to see her) that i did say that i'm ltrying to start listening to the things I didn't pick up when we were together. simple communication that she throws out to me, i tend to just look past most of the time. By me acknowledging that she did tell me she wanted it out, wouldn't i be reinforcing the fact that I'm changing? I'm not groveling back or looking for affection. i just want to back up what i said i'll do or at least part of it.

 

How would anyone re word it? I thought by putting something that "praised" her for a positive behavior, will reinforce that at the same time acknowledge the fact that I'm hearing what she's saying but at the same time i'm also taking my time and my power to do what i want? seems a bit heavy if i think about it just wondering what people think here. that's why i said "i'm glad you still had our pics up"... she hasn't even boxed up the stuff she said she will last week.

 

Yes, i'll be continuing NC. Aside from my planned "just put it in the garage" text, i really don't see why i should still be in the picture. She DID add this new man in her life and took me out, so why stick around? other than that, id have to tell her that I'll be working on the car on certain days (the garage is not part of the house it's kind of like an extension of it, so i wouldnt necessarily be going inside the house to get to the garage..

 

The Fb account... so take her off or keep her? She did add that NEW guy on and i'm not really quite happy with that. What message would that come accross?

 

PS. In all this i still want another try with her. Really. I admit there were changes that I needed to make as far as my lifestyle and my way of dealing with her, not that she was perfect but, it does take two to tango. I know letting go and NC should be implemented, and maybe one day we can talk and straighten things out... but i've just got to make it past this "hump" of "overly emotional wreck" to "content and happy with or without you"...I am understanding her need to be with another man, to affirm what she thought wasn't right with me, she has to find with someone else. IF i am there while she does exactly that by being her "friend"... well, then i'm just a schmuck.

[sfindependent]

"hey i was looking forward to seeing you but something came up for this weekend. Just leave it whatever in the garage and i'll pick it up some other time."

 

honestly i just don't want to hear her say things like "yeah, i've got plans so hurry up" or something along those lines. Better i cancel than her.

[anthony4]

"hey i was looking forward to seeing you but something came up for this weekend. Just leave it whatever in the garage and i'll pick it up some other time."

 

honestly i just don't want to hear her say things like "yeah, i've got plans so hurry up" or something along those lines. Better i cancel than her.

 

i've made other plans - more forward, less polite, more YOU having a life - intentionally (something like that, sort of, "i've made something happen for me")

 

and - edited to say...why tell her you were looking forward to seeing her???? guard down

[sfindependent]

"hey, i made other plans this weekend, I'll take you up on that offer...Just leave it in the garage and i'll pick it up some other time later" then go NC on her for the time being.

 

Just let her be. Let her figure things out. Let her drink, party, f*ck and be repressive of her problems and i'll work on mine the right way. Maybe i'll get over her sooner.

 

I'm seriously getting peeved by the fact that she's friends with him on FB now. It's like she didn't care that i will see whom she added. So delete or nonchalance? she's not on my tickler list anymore.

[anthony4]

maybe you need to stay peeved. for more than a day. Hey, i haven't had any contact at all, (believe me not bragging) and to be honest, i can't say that i would handle it the way so many people have advised me to if she were to contact me. (so you get a get-out-of-jail-free break for even having to deal with her contact compared to me) But! you are young, smart, intelligent, and have already said you've been with 8's and 9's. you've also said you're the guy she fell for, or something along those lines. You're still that guy! Do you think? I hope so. What is it exactly about this particular gal? Seriously she lied to you, and has you in a constant state of confusion as a result. Does that make any sense? Maybe i missed it earlier, but what makes her that sooo special to continue this need to express perpetual niceness?

[Real Deal]

"hey, i made other plans this weekend, I'll take you up on that offer...Just leave it in the garage and i'll pick it up some other time later" then go NC on her for the time being.

 

Just let her be. Let her figure things out. Let her drink, party, f*ck and be repressive of her problems and i'll work on mine the right way. Maybe i'll get over her sooner.

 

 

Nope, here is what you send on Friday afternoon: "hey, not going to be able to make it by on Sat so just leave the boxes in the garage and I will shoot for Sun."

 

That's it! Now, if you do this you are not making an announcement that you have something planned or any of that BS. However, to make you a non-liar make plans for Saturday that WILL make doing it a pain. Get it? It's a process and you have to start there "act as if" will not cut it in the long run and your words and actions will not be congruent now or down the line.

I'm seriously getting peeved by the fact that she's friends with him on FB now. It's like she didn't care that i will see whom she added. So delete or nonchalance? she's not on my tickler list anymore.

[sfindependent]

Nope, here is what you send on Friday afternoon: "hey, not going to be able to make it by on Sat so just leave the boxes in the garage and I will shoot for Sun."

 

That's it! Now, if you do this you are not making an announcement that you have something planned or any of that BS. However, to make you a non-liar make plans for Saturday that WILL make doing it a pain. Get it? It's a process and you have to start there "act as if" will not cut it in the long run and your words and actions will not be congruent now or down the line.

I'm seriously getting peeved by the fact that she's friends with him on FB now. It's like she didn't care that i will see whom she added. So delete or nonchalance? she's not on my tickler list anymore.

 

ahhh, i see what you mean. Thanks! I've to wait till Friday to inform her. needed to know that too, unfortunately. i wish my head was on straighter.

 

ugh. so i'll NC on her until that day then say that. I just found out I work on sunday so i'll just say shoot for some other time. no "im planning this" seems more... innocent. More direct. would not have thought of that in a million years. The emotions still play a lot when it comes to my communication. I hung out with an ex the other day just to kind of have a feel of what it felt like when we broke up and she started talking about her ex. This is the guy whom she had to file a restraining order for to get him away. But when she started talking about him, she cried. she wanted him back for some reason. Why are women like this? so unpredictably predictable, correct Real?

[sfindependent]

maybe you need to stay peeved. for more than a day.

i want to but by nature, i am very forgiving. Unfortunately. Not because i'm a wuss by nature, but i was just raised to be so to people.

 

. you've also said you're the guy she fell for, or something along those lines. You're still that guy! Do you think? I hope so

 

I am! All the girlies say i'm pretty fly for an asian guy... lol. when you're in a relationship, especially an alcoholic, codependent one (which i'm figuring out we were) you get sucked in the drama. No one knows where it starts and pointing blame is one of the worst things you can do. I was strong, devil may care, funny, cocky attitude and i didn't even try it. I guess i can't be like that to her right now, given my emotional attachment to her. I wish i was stronger to be able to just get over it and be the guy she fell in love with again, but i doubt i will if i continue on pining for something that obviously isn't for me right now.

 

Seriously she lied to you, and has you in a constant state of confusion as a result. Does that make any sense? Maybe i missed it earlier, but what makes her that sooo special to continue this need to express perpetual niceness?

 

I don't know exactly. I guess for the most part of the relationship, she acted like she was the man whom did not give affection and whatnot. She was the masculine and I got suckered into being the feminine. So for a long time, i spent myself running after her and getting responses here and there. So i guess i'm trained to be a lap dog, so to speak? pathetic, i see. She also had me in a state of having to prove myself, to "nurture" her. again, pathetic. And i guess i really put my best foot forward for the relationship when i met her (coming after a string of really bad ones) and her rejecting me kind of have this effect on me that my best foot forward isn't good enough to be with anyone. Don't get me wrong, i'm resilient. I bounce back. But I always had this thought and feeling in the back of my head thinking if we really did try to do something about it we could have made it, but her head was filled with doubts. Always had she said, but she ignored it. and claimed to be working on it, but we never addressed the real issue, just skirmed around it. It really bugs me to think that she tried nothing to fix it. She tried to communicate in the ways i admitted to her i couldn't understand and I when i tried to tell her, didnt take it where i'm telling her "this could work". i believed in us because we did make a good couple.

 

I don't think i should remove her from FB completely. I'll just avoid her, hide her tickler and be stronger with my foundations. I'll remove her once my car is up and running and i can move the rest of my stuff out there.

 

I hope i find myself soon. This is bananas.

[anthony4]

Nope, here is what you send on Friday afternoon: "hey, not going to be able to make it by on Sat so just leave the boxes in the garage and I will shoot for Sun."

 

That's it! Now, if you do this you are not making an announcement that you have something planned or any of that BS. However, to make you a non-liar make plans for Saturday that WILL make doing it a pain. Get it? It's a process and you have to start there "act as if" will not cut it in the long run and your words and actions will not be congruent now or down the line.

I'm seriously getting peeved by the fact that she's friends with him on FB now. It's like she didn't care that i will see whom she added. So delete or nonchalance? she's not on my tickler list anymore.

 

Make plans for Sat. so that you won't be a liar. And make those plans for the specific reason that you don't want to be a liar? What's the difference? It's just as much BS to make plans simply because you said you had plans as if you had plans even though you didn't when you said you did. Geejus.

[Imtheretoo]

I don't think i should remove her from FB completely. I'll just avoid her, hide her tickler and be stronger with my foundations. I'll remove her once my car is up and running and i can move the rest of my stuff out there.

 

Sounds like you keep making excuses which causes these episodes where you break NC and then later punish yourself. Unless you have an utmost necessity to retain her on FB, which you don't, then I suggest you remove her. If you had done so last week when people suggested, you would never have even seen this new guy on her FB. Just be honest with yourself and admit you're simply stalking her and keeping tabs, and that will get you nowhere. Hate to sound harsh, but you need to really man up. A lot of us have been through this, and you have the benefit of using this forum and learning from our experiences and mistakes, so people such as Real have really put in effort to make this transition easier on you.

 

I don't see how remaining friends on FB has any influence on your predicament regarding your car.