i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[sfindependent]

yes and i appreciate every little advice yall have given. i think this transition is all thanks to everyone here.

 

as far as fb ive not looked at her page since last week and as my friend said, i just looked at the wrong time. i will delete her ultimately and start removing her pics of me there. not tonight, but when im ready. its up and coming believe me. im trying to let go, believe me. i am trying to find the strength to move on and just get back with my life. there are literally millions of women here that are way more attractive than my ex. as i also said its a free pass for me to put another notch on my bed post. i just need to get out there and man up.

 

as far sat yes i can make plans easy. im in sf! i need to clean the car im using (not the one in the garage). everytime i imagine her bein with someone else be it physical or not disgusts me, and i think its helpful with gettig over her. i am trying to turn my loving feelings into pity for her. shes lost, did not think of a smarter way to enjoy the relationship by simply communicating with me especially when i shared my entire life with her (friends family etc) i can just imagine her feelings when she tells her family whom have been sending michelle and john cards that she dumped a really good man. poor girl and her confusion with life. if this guy can tolerate her introvertedness, her constant boozing and pretty much lack of desire to do anything else then kudos. i am tired of picking up her slack and begging her to do something else other than drink at 2pm on a sunday Afternoon to closing. i tried to give her something more meaningful than that... a life. we're in the freaking bay area for christs sake. she doesnt like salsa dancing, hiking, getting fresh air, watching a movie on a saturday night, leaving our little town to go to sf (she did a little but not enough) and i let myself be influenced by her lack of motivation in life....if she wants to live that carefree no plans for the future life then let her be. thats not me. the world is an amzing place to get stuck watchig it from behind a bottle.

i want something more than that and someone else will enjoy doing stuff with me. im at a point in my life where i am moving on from partying, getting drunk and getting high thats not for me. i want a woman who can enjoy my company with out having to be inibriated all the time. our relationship wasnt healthy and i sure as hell looked like it (huge beer gut, drunk at random days of the week). there was A point in time when i was feeding her drinks just to have fun. if she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to get her act together and come up with a plan. and if this guy is going to be jus a friend or more well. i still think theyve f*cked and i dont like being sloppy seconds.

 

i made my mistakes in the relationships and have said to her i want to change but i need her help. silly girl for thinking ideal relationships are the ones you rarely have to work on. she admitted to just having "thoughts in her head and never share until its too late" well she sure drove this bus too late. i tried to be mature but she wanted to livr infantasy land. our sex sucked because she doesnt feel it anymore... well it takes two to have sex so ifthe sex sucked its not entirely my fault

 

i miss her yes but my dignity of saving face and self respect is more important. i think ill go for a ru. with my friend tonight. who knows what time can do? maybe ill find a freaky catholic girl devoted to me and raising a family...

[sfindependent]

I don't see how remaining friends on FB has any influence on your predicament regarding your car.

 

it means id be having contact with her to get the keys and ill be prone to getting shot in the head by a hurtful insult. id have to be civil and me kickinv her off my fb would mean im hurting her more and she wont be too happy to know im home and might do something harsh like bring the guy over or plan on being with him that day. she did offer to keep it in the garage for as long as i need and im still paying her medical insurance so its pretty much even

 

u know i told her a few times "once i get a great job, u can quit and keep doing your art." some crap like that. i wanted to be a man for her, but hey u dont want it u dont get it. im tryin to think now, wth did i do wrong? nothing. i wasnt perfect just like anybody else but i sure as hell tried to be for her. if she ever gets the message im over her, it will be too late. ill be with my next victim lol

[Imtheretoo]

That's good. Keep telling yourself how much better off you are; that is the true secret in recovering from relationships. Find reasons why you weren't meant to be and think of the next relationship and how much better it will be. Every time I have suffered through a break up I have used it to improve myself and find someone better the next time. The worst thing you can do in life is settle. With so many possibilities and opportunities you really need to just maintain your movement forward instead of always regretting and re-assessing your failures. Life is full of them, best we can do is to simply learn and move on.

 

And from your last couple paragraphs, sounds like you were being held back. I wouldn't necessarily put her down in appearance in relation to other women though, maybe not how you meant it but just the way I read it. Beauty fades. Can't be hideous and sexual attraction is important, but, even an 8 with a great personality will knock out a 10 any day of the week for me.

[Real Deal]

unpredictably predictable, correct Real?

 

No words more true have been typed on this thread so far....haha

[sfindependent]

That's good. Keep telling yourself how much better off you are; that is the true secret in recovering from relationships. Find reasons why you weren't meant to be and think of the next relationship and how much better it will be. Every time I have suffered through a break up I have used it to improve myself and find someone better the next time. The worst thing you can do in life is settle. With so many possibilities and opportunities you really need to just maintain your movement forward instead of always regretting and re-assessing your failures. Life is full of them, best we can do is to simply learn and move on.

 

My friend told me last night, "YOU HAVE the right to be angry. Use it."

 

And from your last couple paragraphs, sounds like you were being held back. I wouldn't necessarily put her down in appearance in relation to other women though, maybe not how you meant it but just the way I read it. Beauty fades. Can't be hideous and sexual attraction is important, but, even an 8 with a great personality will knock out a 10 any day of the week for me.

 

As for my part of the relationship, i did have a constant feeling of being held back. I bought two kayaks, had two bikes all so that we can do active things together. I was always inviting her to do walks (i even made it where it'll make our relationship better but she never saw it that way, her reasoning is "we can do the same thing here at home just hanging out"). But she barely was interested in it. She was only doing it for me. She wasn't "adventurous" or "active" in that sense. She was more of a homebody, or even moreso, unmotivated. She always had an excuse for something "its too far" or "it's too cold" "i hate running"... But when I ask her lets go get a drink at so so, 9/10 she'll be up for it.

 

for some reason, I feel that our "ties" are not yet over. I blocked her off my feed from FB as well (where she can't see what I'm posting) and went invisible on gchat.

 

I have to be honest, for some reason, as disgusted as i am now, i still feel our "book" hasn't been written completely. I can see us slowly building a good relationship, whether it be romantic or otherwise slowly in the near future. She's so introverted, I'm thinking (i know i need to get these thoughts outta my head, that's why i post it here) if i give her a "nudge" to start communicating with me, then maybe we can be a bit closer. But thank goodness by grace, that she's talking to this guy now. She's making this easier for both of me to be able to move on.

 

I was talking to friends about my situation last night. They're the kind who will slap me in the face if i'm not making the right choices and not just agree with everyword that i say.... told me i'm the "winner" here in the end. They looked at who this new guy is and coming from straight guys, say she's stepping down rather than trading up. One guy who i've been good friends with since 4 gf's ago commented on how I've changed in dealing with this gf when we were together, and it was more of her fault (not that i'm blaming but i'm entitled to it!) that the relationship ended the way it did. She didn't participate in the relationship and just wanted to succumb to her insecurities instead. This kind of made me feel better. I am not "guilty" of anything that I could've done to make the out come better. Granted I should've stopped smoking (big deal breaker) but I always felt if she loved me, would let me quit on my own time. I think my smoking was something part of something more of one of her excuses rather than a reason for her to lose her attraction to me. I think I took that away "excuse" from her as well when i decided to stop smoking cigarettes post BU. It angered her enough for her to sit accross from me at a restaurant and cry about how angry she is that i'm just doing the things that she wanted me to do in the beginning of our relationship.

 

In someway, I feel I want to break NC soon again (not today or this week) because I don't think there's a chance of reconciliation anymore on my part with her. I don't want sloppy seconds. I don't want to be with someone who's not happy to be with me for who i am and be happy to "rule the world" with me. Or who lies to my face about having a guy so fresh from the BU already and disrespected me by shoving it in my face (indirectly, i think she wanted some affirmation she can still bag men while i lay at home sleeping so she had him take him home while i'm there). I don't want someone like that in my life. Why do i want to break NC so soon? I don't know, but i'm really beginning to doubt the reasons why i want to be with her in the first place anymore either. As a matter of fact, the way that I saw her by the time i left and the crassy way she added him on FB so soon (i think she had this little bit of an anger driven thing to push it in my face knowing that I might be stalking her) i think she's doing a good job of mucking up things on her own. i want to ask her (of course i wont) "are you happier now that i'm gone?" HA! coz i know she's not. I pretty much was everything to her, and everything she knows and sees will remind her of me. How do i know that? Coz everything i see reminds me of her. I doubt that everything she'll do from here on end are going to be a step in the right direction, since i tried to do that when we were together, why would she start doing that now? Silly girl. Could have been happier if she opened her eyes.

 

Incidentally, my friend said exact same words you guys have been reminding me here. verbatim "no contact" and "treat it like a business exchang". eerie.

 

they also said they dont just doubt it, but BELIEVE it that she'll probably officially date him in two months. But don't think it'll last, not without her addressing her own problems. I think the chances of them having a successful relationship is pretty low. as my friend said "they're not going to get married". I really feel as if i can't trust her anymore and the effort to rebuild that (in picturing her and me together in the future), i would always have a doubt in my head that she's talking to him or someone else behind my back. Why? Coz even she didn't do it while we were together, who's to say she'd be happy then and forget about him completely (in looking at a possible future).

 

Why would i waste my time on someone like that who just completely messed something good up? Who's to say she won't do it again? I don't trust her anymore anyway, what's the point, right?

 

I'm still having little pains here and there, but i'm think i'm beginning to see some insight here.

 

 

 

feedback?

[Imtheretoo]

It's pretty simple. You guys aren't meant for each other. Love can only carry a relationship so far and the rest has to come from within your mutual interests, personalities, hobbies, etc. You're going to go through this phase for a while, especially if you remain in contact with her, where you hate her one second then delve back into dreaming about your future together. It's normal and will take adjustment as well as a healthy transition period where you truly focus on yourself, and your well being.

 

Most relationships that begin directly after a BU fail, so your friends are right to assume it will not last with Matt. If you want some advice, in regards to getting her back one day and starting anew, then take this into consideration. The more you think about this guy and their sexual activity, the more repulsed you will become with the situation as well as with her. If you let this go right now, and just take it as it is, the end of your commitment to one another, for the time being at least, the stronger your chances of reconciliation. Not only because you give her space to miss and remember you, but because you will reduce your hatred for her. Trust me, these thoughts eat away at any happiness and fond memory you two may have shared. You'll just associate the BU with everything if you keep going this way.

 

She probably is miserable. It's never easy being the one that ended the relationship because you carry the guilt and the burden of the other half as well.

[sfindependent]

i don't know. I mean, for some part, i really don't think our story's not over. But i'm really beginning to think I wouldn't want to be back with her seriously again. I can't take that chance of her dating someone else or wanting to date someone else and leave me again because of that. No way. I'll have fun with her, yes. But i'm not sure how to exactly convey that just yet. I'm settling down with my new apartment my new lifestyle and my new single-hood-ness. I keep looking around and I DO want to see other people. Maybe we can do so with that knowledge/agreement, i don't know. I'm really trying to see where I'm at as far as my feelings for her nowadays. i'll wait more to see how i really feel about her. I am not going to contact her just yet. too bad i left the relationship with a sucky-sex title under my belt. If we had that, we could have been FWB lol. But then the attraction is still there (due to good sex) and therefore we would still be together... but i digress...

 

I'm beginning to agree, maybe we aren't meant to be together. But i sure do miss hanging with her. She was a lot of fun.

 

I'm just impatient with this whole "getting over" thing. I should be in a better place right now, but i think if i still saw her or even worse, THEM then I will have a bit of a heart attack, lol.

[crabman]

You must realize that there are two parts of a woman’s mind that you must satisfy, which are her logical and emotional aspects. Once you re-attract her, her emotions are going to make her want to get back with you. However, she’ll only be comfortable with the decision if she can logically justify it to herself as well. So the logic that you want going through her head is “he’s really trying this time.” Always attract emotionally and justify logically for completion.

 

what do you mean? for instance she didn´t like my big belly. if she sees me now working out a lot and getting in better shape, is that the logical aspect she needs? that requires that my big belly really was the reason for loosing attraction. that means i really need to know WHY she lost attraction and let her see i changed?!..

[Imtheretoo]

No one likes the waiting

 

But ask yourself this. Are you lonely and want her back, or are you simply in-love with her? Because that question will make all the difference in your decisions later on. Once you've progressed to the point where you're self-reliant and independent from the BU, you might have completely different feelings about this person. We always miss that which has been robbed from us, usually unexpectedly, but that does not necessarily mean we would want them back if someone better came along.

 

You really need to wait a month or two before you contact her, unless she makes the first move. Being the one dumped, you really don't have any control at this stage and the decisions lie solely on her whim. I would advice you wait till she initiates and then capitalize on her approach. If you try and convince her it will backfire on you 100% every single time. Even if you do begin dating again at some point you will always feel trapped and hesitant around her because you were the one to crawl back. Don't do it. You will resent yourself and will waste more time being with the wrong person.

[sfindependent]

But ask yourself this. Are you lonely and want her back, or are you simply in-love with her? Because that question will make all the difference in your decisions later on. Once you've progressed to the point where you're self-reliant and independent from the BU, you might have completely different feelings about this person. We always miss that which has been robbed from us, usually unexpectedly, but that does not necessarily mean we would want them back if someone better came along.

 

I think the fact that I am still thinking about how good the relationship could have been (and not the reality of it) makes me still prone to making stupid mistakes such as wanting her back or hoping that things could be better with us, when the fact is, it would not. We had two years of trying to make it work and ultimately it didn't and not for my lack of trying. In fact i tried hard to get her to participate with trying to find things to make things better for us and it usually got shot down.

 

A friend of mine (a psychologist) said she's obviously confused right now. I've confided in him more than several times about me and M's relationship and his statement too is to just move on. That we're not compatible. Hard to swallow, but i agree with him and everyone on this board. Why do i persist to think that things could be better? She obviously doesn't want me. I've to move on, let go of all the what ifs and anxiety that i have regarding her. She's not mine anymore. It shouldn't be difficult! I am trained in the art of nonchalance for my work (as i mentioned I am in mental health) where people can tell you the hardest things to hear and still, i'm able to not take it personally. I guess it's the proximity of our relationship that makes a difference. I mean, in time i know this is going to pass. Her seeing this guy makes it easier for me to imagine her being with someone else. I'm given the opportunity to see enough of a glimpse of what's happening without knowing the full details of it. It's enough to just let me imagine the worst scenarios and push me to getting over her sooner.

 

You really need to wait a month or two before you contact her, unless she makes the first move. Being the one dumped, you really don't have any control at this stage and the decisions lie solely on her whim. I would advice you wait till she initiates and then capitalize on her approach. If you try and convince her it will backfire on you 100% every single time. Even if you do begin dating again at some point you will always feel trapped and hesitant around her because you were the one to crawl back. Don't do it. You will resent yourself and will waste more time being with the wrong person

 

In some ways, i think i've established control over this situation, 50/50 between us. As i mentioned she's got this idea that i got over her quicker... maybe even the reason why she's so peeved off at me post BU. I was the one who moved out, i was the one who took her off FB, i was the one who called NC and told her "i'll contact you when i'm over you after a fwe days" and when i did end up contacting her i'm the one wanting to pick up the rest of my stuff (which by the way, I read some hesitance on her part to actually remove my stuff from her walls). As i said, i think she's more confused now than ever which kind of makes me think maybe it was a good thing i put some good thoughts in her head about how nice it was yada yada yada.... But given you guy's reaction about how the conversation transpired, i am inclined to believe it was a mistake more than a good thing to do (last text convo we had).

 

I'm afraid that contacting her in 2months, she'll be dating someone by then. Hopefully i'll be healed enough to not care anymore. Hopefully even before then it's been a month since our actual break up this coming week, so i should be over it, really. I should've been able to FTOW but i can't right now and maybe when i feel a bit more comfortable with myself, can go buck wild. I'm just glad i'm handling this a lot better than she is right now.

 

Anyway, I hope that my heart follows my brain. In my head i know being away from her is the best thing for me. I am a good person, and so is she. We just might not be meant for each other. (wow, the last line was very difficult to write).

[sfindependent]

Follow up: So i am still her friend on FB but made it where she won't see my posts. I hope i'm doing the right thing. whether it be to get her back or to reconcile....

 

Gad, i hate hurting her, and I know she is right now. I hate the fact that it seems as if we're playing who hurts the other first. But i need to detach. I need to get away. I need the strength of NC. i need to realize this might not work and i need to move on..

 

 

 

i'm trying to be strong.

[sfindependent]

what do you mean? for instance she didn´t like my big belly. if she sees me now working out a lot and getting in better shape, is that the logical aspect she needs? that requires that my big belly really was the reason for loosing attraction. that means i really need to know WHY she lost attraction and let her see i changed?!..

 

i'll be honest with you man, it's not REALLY the belly itself. I think for women, there's a deeper meaning to a "big belly"... it probably means you've forgotten to take care of yourself, or something. It's an excuse for something else... you've seen pretty women with ugly guys right? I know a couple of my gf's (8-9) were taller than me and they didn't mind. their attraction levels are differently programmed than men. what was your personality when she met you? take that, compare yourself right now, and work back right into it, and further if possible.

 

you can do it man. i'm trying to find myself as well. It struck a chord with me when part of our breaking up conversations at one point was she said "i never found you physically attracted to you but it was your personality that i was attracted to"... who knows you might meet someone even hotter than your ex when you find yourself again.

 

I found her when i was 29. i'm 31 now. i'm trying to find the fun cool guy i was when i met her. I'm sure i'll meet someone new(or who knows a reconciliation?) that will appreciate a better me...

 

always forward, man.

[crabman]

i'll be honest with you man, it's not REALLY the belly itself.

 

 

of course it´s not about my belly, that was just an example..

 

i´m asking how to connect the logical and emotional aspects that Realdeal was talking about.

in my case i think to concentrate on me and my carrier (as you already said) and get my attractivity back. but beside of this emotional part i read on Realdeals post she actually needs to SEE i changed and got my carrier going on (logical part) if i got that right, right?..

[crabman]

With women or anything in life we MUST detach from the outcome. You can still want something and have a strong feeling or emotion to it but being detached gives that thing or person no power.

 

that feels good to me and i get the importance, but "having strong feelings and being detached" is not really going in my head.. kind of unselfish love? can you explain that more?

[sfindependent]

that feels good to me and i get the importance, but "having strong feelings and being detached" is not really going in my head.. kind of unselfish love? can you explain that more?

 

when you run a marathon, you give it all you have. But if you end up being winning fourth place, you're not going to punch the guy who beat you. You'll bow graciously train for the next one instead.

[sfindependent]

I gotta admit, this is quite difficult, this NC and forgetting about someone you care about. I hate the fact that i keep thinking about her, worried that she's bored, that she's lonely or something that by contacting her will be beneficial to me. But i'm hesitating. my gut tells me to contact her. I'm the closest person she has aside from one guy best friend in FL and a girl best friend in FL and her mom in FL. I know she's waiting for me to contact her because i told her i'll contact her. She hasn't cashed the last check I gave her for February rent and to be honest,

 

i have a feeling she's putting some stuff on hold for right now... from our stuff being on the walls (until i mentioned about it this monday, she hasn't taken them down despite me being out since the first) to this whole check thing, to her using my furniture, to her being ok with me using the garage. I'm not really sure what all that means though.

 

Uncashed check - too nice of her, maybe. it's 1300.00 check. maybe she's just being nice that i didn't spend February at home so she's not cashing it, despite me owing her the last month of rent.

 

stuff on walls/pics - maybe she's just too lazy as she said. I asked her "do you still have our pics up" and she replied "yes" I asked "too lazy?" "maybe"...

 

Garage - I'm still paying her health and dental insurance so maybe it's her just being fair about it

 

Furniture (dining table book cases) - She's wants to keep some of the furniture (and i really don't have a place to put em anyway) since she's using them

 

little knick knacks - she hasn't boxed them up yet as she said she will a week ago...

 

she seemed surprised that the text i sent her instead of "hey, i'm over you now, let's talk!" or "let's hang out!" like when i told her i will (i told her i'll contact her when i've sorted out my feelings last in a few days), was instead "i'll pick up my stuff" her response was "um ok, do you want me to box em up?" and "um i dont know what i'm doing saturday what time u thinking of stopping by"

 

I don't know, maybe i'm just reading into it and to be honest, she can be doing anything right now. either crying for missing me or being f*cked blind by this new guy or she's confiding in him or just happy to herself. I don't know.

 

i'm not gonna contact her till friday or saturday (tom or next) about picking some stuff up. I think i'll go ahead and just get some of it out. there's no point in prolonging this any more than it has to.

 

I just wish there was a better ending to this story.

[Imtheretoo]

You really need to pick everything up and be done with it. And stop over-analyzing, she probably did sleep with him. I don't mean to be harsh, but when relationships end it's best to assume the worst about these sorts of situations, so you don't indulge in false hopes and dreams only to have them shattered later on when you do find out the truth. Better to be relieved in the future than crushed.

 

And NC doesn't mean you forget about them, just let go of them. You've only been out of this relationship for a short time, so everything you're going through is expected and normal, just don't let the thoughts consume your life.

[sfindependent]

i guess what i'm hung up on is that I KNOW she wants to talk to me. I know she's upset about us not talking and me leaving. i know that. But she's verbalized that she doesn't want to be with me in a more romantic sense.

 

My dilemma is, is that I DO NOT want to be friends with her. I cannot be around that when she starts (or is probably rebound dating already, i dont know) someone else. However, I'm left with these questions of what if i start from there and see where it goes. She did say "let's take it day by day" right before i moved out. Maybe it's her trying to lasso me into convincing we were just going to be friends and i'll be the emotional crutch or if in the back of her head she's thinking she's unsure of the BU and want to find out where a good foundation of a friendship goes. She sucks at opening up like that her whole life and it makes me think i'm missing something that she's NOT saying. But i'm still afraid i'm too weak to hear what she has to say. I'm being on NC to help me heal and be stronger for anything she might throw at me when we finally do sit down and talk.

 

I know she'll be part of my life for a good long time. It's just that right now, we're at different places where we both want different things from each other.

 

I know i can initiate LC and at some point re-establish communication with her no prob., I AM the one who wanted NC afterall. I am the one who moved out and am the one who's carrying out all these steps to get her out of my life.

 

I am working on moving on, working out (and it shows), trying to keep focused on work, hanging with friends. I've not dated yet (it's only been a month or so of BU and 2weeks of moved out and a week of broken NC) but the waxing and waning emotions and some logic are difficult to ignore. It's like, there's so many options of doing things but it leads to some very unknown destinations.

 

 

Pah. i really need to grow a pair.

[sfindependent]

You really need to pick everything up and be done with it. And stop over-analyzing, she probably did sleep with him. I don't mean to be harsh, but when relationships end it's best to assume the worst about these sorts of situations, so you don't indulge in false hopes and dreams only to have them shattered later on when you do find out the truth. Better to be relieved in the future than crushed.

 

And NC doesn't mean you forget about them, just let go of them. You've only been out of this relationship for a short time, so everything you're going through is expected and normal, just don't let the thoughts consume your life.

 

I know that's why the logic of NC for me is not to "get her back" but to gain the right frame of mind to be able to see where I really want this thing to go. I have the power really. in my head, i'm in a far better place to be in right now. With everything i have, my future, my career and my goals for myself.

She doesn't have any of that,and quite honestly, the guy she's seeing doesn't seem to have one either. nevertheless, my ego is just so big and hurt right now its difficult to ignore the logic that my brain is putting out. For my irrational brain, it's rationalizing "hey, if you start talking to her again, maybe you can win her back by taking things slow and building a good foundation" but who am i kidding, right?

[dramallama]

She's with another guy now. That's it. So you can be thinking that she may want to talk to you, but her ego is stopping her (which is so untrue that it's stopping her) but on the other hand she may not be thinking about you at all. And take her stuff down and put them in a box. It will speed up your healing.

[sfindependent]

She's with another guy now. That's it. So you can be thinking that she may want to talk to you, but her ego is stopping her (which is so untrue that it's stopping her) but on the other hand she may not be thinking about you at all. And take her stuff down and put them in a box. It will speed up your healing.

 

I have to believe that. I have to believe that she's with another man, and me being around her will make me look like the clingy BF who can not move on.

 

I shouldn't even text her, call her for anything other than my stuff. I guess i have to go there this weekend and get some of my things (as i said, most of my stuff won't fit my new place and this is storage for the mean time until i get my car running). Keep it simple, business like, no asking probing questions and acting nonchalant about it. To her, she thinks im over her already. I have to keep it that way. I'm glad I've lost weight and look kinda good despite it only being a month. I asked my good lady friend (who's a dietician) and said that i look good and my weight loss isn't "shallow weight loss" where in I lost weight due to depression or cocaine use. I look and feel good about how my body is progressing.

 

I do NOT want to know what's going on with her and the people she's hanging out with right now. It sucks i'm having such a hard time accepting the fact that she's no longer with me, and has no desire to be so. I know she's not the only woman in the world. I've met so many different women in my life time, i know I won't run out of women to be with. I just don't know why i'm still hung up on her. I have to go through this hell. I've done it before and I will do it again and again until i get things right.

[Real Deal]

Dude, get out and do something besides sitting around and thinking about her and trying to figure out what she is thinking/feeling.

[sfindependent]

Dude, get out and do something besides sitting around and thinking about her and trying to figure out what she is thinking/feeling.

 

 

Oh most definitely. I've been doing so many different things it's not even funny.

 

On a social aspect, I go to different "cool" places I wanted to go when we were together but never had the chance to do so... Last week it was the exploratorium after dark, hang out with friends pretty much on daily... last night i went out for the first time where i tried to look nice. Me and a buddy ended up at a Asian American Film Fest (random) and for real, I've literally felt and saw people were checking me out. even my buddy was like "dude, they're checking you out". That felt good.

 

On a healthy aspect, I've been losing weight, running, getting a nice tight stomach. I'm well on my way to regaining a six pack! lol. My frame is small but i've a good small frame so it's working out well for me. I've been choosing better with my food (more veggies and fruits) as well. Self confidence has never been a problem for me.

 

We had a brief texting convo last night (it was unavoidable since it was a legit question) so i responded.

 

her: Am I still cobered under your health insurance

me: cobered? no. Covered, yes. y

her: Just so I know

her: But I guess I should find a new one. When is the best time to break off of your coverage?

me: ur good. (i was thinking i still have my car there so i think it's fair trade, so i'm ok with paying it for right now)

her: I cant have you paying for my med insurance

me: and dental lol

her: yea

me: I can drop it anytime. but u can't get a new one until Jan 31, unless its a new job

Me: we're good for the mean time

me: we can talk about it later, too serious. meantime feel free to break a leg. gotta go.

 

As soon as the convo was over, I began to over analyze stuff (here I go again!). I know, i know, i'll take her off my insurance too. I need to. I also don't want her to think i'm using this as a rope to keep her around; or trying to manipulate her into getting back with me since I've her still under my insurance. I was thinking of sending her a follow up email (But i probably won't, since it's not gonna benefit me at all when it comes to wanting her back)

 

Hey,

 

I don't mind paying for your insurance until you find a new one. My stuff is in still in the garage and i noticed you haven't cashed the check i gave you yet so we're even. I'm not sure how to get a new insurance mid year with all these changes under the new healthcare laws or how much it will be, but if you're under a certain amount on income, you can still qualify for MEDI-CAL. it's that insurance you used to get your birthcontrol and your clinic visit before.

 

bogswagen

 

Ugh. My friend joked... "maybe she's trying to get birthcontrol" for her new found independence. painfully true. Around october or november we were talking and she mentioned "well, if i get pregnant, i get pregnant" in reference to us having sex with no condom and no BC anymore. I got her pregnant in the first two months and we had it aborted. I wanted to keep it but i respected what she wanted.

 

Ive not texted, emailed or called her since. i know I shouldve stuck with NC but i think that situation called for "nonchalance" rather than NC...

 

thoughts?

[Imtheretoo]

I think the conversation went fine, but yes, you need to remove her from your insurance policy. And in the case you did answer her texts immediately, wait next time. It was not an emergency related question so you could have replied by email. Just try to distance yourself and pretend like things don't phase you. Make yourself unavailable.

[MakeItCount]

Alright man, tough love time. And I'm only doing this because after talking to Real, I realize this is the exact same state of mind I was in when we broke up. Reading into everything she said, everything she did, everything that was said during/after the relationship.

 

She hasn't taken anything of the walls - big whoop. I went to my ex's house about 2 months after we broke up, and everything was still there. Gifts, cards, and she still wears the shirt I made her. What does it mean? Nothing. It's not like she's hanging onto it hoping we'll get back together - she made it painfully obvious she didn't want to get back together. She can try to logically justify why you should be together, but it won't do anything to change her mind. Real has told you (and me) over and over it's about emotions. If she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it. She won't feel it again by you hanging around. Attraction doesn't just blow up suddenly when she looks at a painting she made you and she gets all sad. She might miss the good times, miss having your friendship, etc (which I'm sure she does), but it's not enough. Trust me on this. I had her best friend telling me how much she misses talking to me a month before she had a new boyfriend. Doesn't change ANYTHING.

 

Cancel the health insurance. It's not your business anymore. Stop trying to justify it as she let's you use her car, hasn't cashed the check. MAKE HER cash the check, clear up anything owed, do it TODAY. You need to sever all ties with this woman, as it's just giving you reasons to contact her (and her you), and you can't handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle it, and I proved I couldn't. I broke down twice in front of her, killing the attraction even further. Do you really want to do this, or do you want to walk away with your head held high like a MAN. Are you a man or a mouse? Ask gallop, he'll tell you what you're being right now.

 

Don't worry about what she's thinking. I know it's tough. In fact, nevermind. Think about it. Then think, what does it matter if she doesn't want to get back together? Trust me, she doesn't think you're over her. Reading your texts (the ones that made Real throw up, way to go ), I see myself a few months ago. I had every chance to pull away and save my dignity, but I said some really dumb stuff that shows her she still has a full on hold over me. If I could go back, I would cut ALL contact with her immediately, avoid her at any cost, and let her miss me. You know what she said 3 weeks post b/u when I asked her to meet up? She said "Looking forward to it!!" like 5 times. Imagine now, if I had let a few months roll by, and then decided to contact her. She would've had NO clue how I was doing, would've assumed I was completely over her, and think that she really wasn't anything special as I'm moving on so easily (seemingly). Now, no guarantees that would've helped us get back together, but it would've at least made her attraction go up tenfold because SHE DOUBTS HERSELF and her DECISION. THAT's the position I would've loved to be in. She would've knocked herself off her pedestal and wondered why this needy, clingy guy suddenly has all the confidence in the world and doesn't NEED her to be happy like he did in the relationship. Think about it.

 

You're not responsible for her happiness. Let her be unhappy, sad, whatever. Let her rebound. Let her do whatever the hell she wants to do. She's not your concern anymore, and you're not hers. Women don't respect doormats. Don't be one. You're making great changes, and she's bitter that you didn't do it while with her - that again will make her doubt her self-worth. It'll make her think about what she could've done better to make you feel she's worthy enough of those changes. She'll be qualifying herself to YOU, not the other way around.

 

Again, I only say this because you're a good guy, and you're just slipping up. I'm in a place now where I don't act on my emotions, I just accept them. Yeah, I'm still hurting, but I'm not letting it hinder my life. I still have the what ifs, but I let them pass. Give yourself some time, tough through these times, and keep doing things for yourself. You're doing amazing with that. It took me a long time to start concentrating on me. Learn from my mistakes. I've made many, but you don't have to. Man up, and actually start moving on. Right now you aren't, you're just dwelling, which again, is natural. But you can't dwell forever, as it's just holding you up. Okay, I'm going to end my rant now. Whenever you waver, re-read this:

 

Pah. i really need to grow a pair.