i'm such a wreck right now. Help.Nonchalance fail.

[sfindependent]

ok, so a few things and as you guys have known, I have been VERY bloodily honest with my posts here. Maybe you can see the fluctuating, waxing and waning emotions (no * * * * * , huh) here. I'll go NC, then I say I won't then i say i will. At first I refuuuuuused to read all of your latest replies on the latest blunder i made (ugh, ugh ugh) but then again, i have to come to grips with what i've done and damaged and made an impression of myself of, and move on with trying to make better decisions with my situation. I was embarrased to admit what i've done but hey, your replies as bad as i hated to read them, were fair to my situation. so i'll move on from it and try to learn from my mistakes. It's good i have people here who are yelling in my proverbial ear about what i shouldn't do... and its not good how i just decide to go complete opposite direction and blow your valuable insight out of the water, so i'd like to apologize if i'm this stubborn. My situation is not unique, my woman (ex) is not unique, and so is the results that i would get if i don't follow your advice here.

 

anyway, i've not contacted her in a couple of days much to my embarrasing kjgfdfkghklsdfjgksdf. ugh. again, it's probably a good thing i did muck the last convo up because it's a good enough reason for me to retract and save face from humiliation. dfklgjsdkfjgklsdjgkljsdhgljksdhgksjdfhgkljdfhg

 

It's weird though, i mean, on one hand i'm oooover it. i'm tired of feeling how i've been, sick of NOT eating, sick of waking up every night thinking about her, tired of spinning my wheels, tired of thinking about HER well being, tired of everything associated with feelings and emotions related to her. I know in the back of my healthy mind, i KNOW she's not good for me. The relationship was co dependent, it hindered my true potential as a person, i drank MORE than i would usually do when we were together, and ALL the negative aspects associated with the negativity of our relationship and where she was in life.

 

BUT i still miss her. I miss her terribly. not so much now as wanting her to be my gf, i know it's not going to work out anymore. even I don't want to have what we had in the past, despite all the wonderful things we did share. the bad outweighed the good so to speak and i can see why it would have never worked out. Religion being one of the bigger things we were trying to force upon each other (she's atheist, i'm not), so that in it by itself is an indicator it wouldn't work.

 

The therapy is helping, i'm having a second session this week (one today) about reflecting on who i am and what this experience is granting me. I plan on holding NC til friday. Then on friday i still WONT contact her, i'll just keep having a short term goal rather than a lofty 2 month NC goal. In some way i think I AM moving on despite what i've been doing. I've been seeing more and more clearer how this isn't helping me become the man i want to be for myself in the future. the reflection and the rants are sincere. I do think those things about how she's a stranger now, etc etc... but hey, i'm only human.

 

thats why i'm going to a therapist, to sort things out... not just with her, but identify what my REAL problem is. the therapist already called me out and said i have an addictive personality ( i know i do) and its manifesting in my anxiety from withdrawing from this relationship... sounds about right.

 

i do however believe, in all my heart, that her feeling my out with random messages and hints online is loneliness and missing my company more than wanting me back as a bf. i treated her well, no doubt. she's very introverted and proud to admit any of her weaknesses, especially during this tough time. a friend of mine asked me what was going on with her because apparently she posted "stop b!itch!ing" on her fb wall (ive not seen her fb wall in a while) as well as something like "another day to do nothing, thank you presidents day (sarcastically)) If i'm wrong and she's just bored and has already moved on, well, it doesn't really matter either way. we're not together and she's not really reaching out to me.

 

btw, she's still following me on photo app.. i can't put it on private since the idea of the app is "public view" and i am really enjoying how better i've gotten with using the app and making my photos stand out... if any of you are on instagram, PM and i'll add you on my list. it's super fun.

 

btw, about my lunch date with the girl i met at a lounge: half jamaican, half irish catholic. cute but not my type. she asked me out on a day date....

 

had a fun brunch date. one thing she said after our date was "you have a very positive personality and a good out look in life". I didn't make any advances (i can't, i've still got some baggage) but would like to keep her as a friend.

 

wish me luck... i need to make better decisions in my love life.

 

PS: after all these realizations about how I should move on... why can't i just... move on? that's what therapy is for.

[gallop30]

moving on happens only when you truly accept it's OVER,i said this over and over ,otherwise you'll end up in the same spot over and over again ,debating worthless ex "signs"

[sfindependent]

gallop did caught wind of it! lol

 

im listening to less than jakes' nervous in the alley. it got me through two tough break ups and im listening to it again...

 

the chorus goes " i swore a million times never to be left again with feeling of hopeless left standing just nervous in the alley". i was pathetic then and im trying to remind myself im not going to be that guy again... i know im turning out to like i was and i am reminding myself not to be the pathetic guy i was in my previous gfs...

 

their song "let her go" came on too like it was a sign from the gods

[Real Deal]

moving on happens only when you truly accept it's OVER,i said this over and over ,otherwise you'll end up in the same spot over and over again ,debating worthless ex "signs"

 

This hits very close to home with me. The true measure of being over her and good with things is when you no longer look for "signs" of anything and you just notice things as odd behavior. In your case you have no reason for contact down the road (kids, etc.) so this will take care of itself. A few weeks back my ex went from total physco beeeeotch one day to trying to be buddy-buddy and telling me how "good I looked" the next day. Then texted me after I left and wished me a "safe drive back" and it was "great to see me". 6-12 months ago I would have gone over this for days and days as to what it means. Now I don't because I no longer want HER.

 

They key is to get to a point with your ex (and with ALL women) where YOU evaluate whether or not you want them in YOUR life. YOU become the qualifier, not her/them. Sounds a bit arrogant and it is something that you never say but it is more of a 'state' or 'frame' that you have about you. People pick upon this if it is congruent with what you really feel deep inside. With my ex (wife and GF, that I just broke up with two days ago...LOL) you need to always have the deep mindset of "what can she do to enhance MY life". I do not mean this in a selfish or conceited way either. Just means that you respect yourself enough to always expect and demand what is best for you and your mental well-being. In doing so we MUST be willing to be alone at times and be 100% good with that. If we are genuine and really feel this way though it is always short-lived because it is a rare trait in men these days.

[sfindependent]

lol sounds like i have a bit to go Real. but seriously, i hate to whine but im missing her even more, havent talked to her and our last convonwas a bunch of mixed signals that ended up probably frustratung her. havent heard from eah other since sunday and i think im doing ok.

 

ive been dreaming about her everyday since the break up. literally wake up at 1230 sweating and thinking all this

isnt true. but really what am i getting from her? nothing. move

on to someone i will benefit from and not bring me down....

[anthony4]

Truth be told, SF, my dreams didn't stop until i accepted it was over, just like the guys are saying. And as i said before, at least you're being honest here.

[sfindependent]

thanks anthony.

 

Logically, i KNOW she wasn't a good thing for me overall. she complained about the good stuff about me as much as the bad stuff. I was outgoing, talkative, charming to other people and sometimes, she'd find that it clouded HER from talking to other people because most of the attention would be on me rather than on her. I was charismatic as opposed to her fly on the wall personality. polar opposites and i think it made her feel inferior and socially inadequate. Come to to think of it, that's probably why she bragged so much about having so many guys buying her drinks the weekend we broke up. totally insecure and relies on her appearance and femininity to get drinks.

 

But in the most part, i was devoted to her. I was a good guy. I told her the meaning of why i'm with her. I told her when she was feeling ugly, that she was beautiful. I told her i loved her everyday. I told her the reasons why i did the things i do for her. "i am giddy in the morning because i love the fact i wake up next to you".... "it took me 30000mi and 31 years to meet u, and it makes the trip worth it." i remember her telling her a few days before we broke up. I've not cried at all since the break up. Not one tear. Just a lot of anxiety and frustration and sadness.

 

I've been thinking about a thread i read somewhere here that discussed that after being with someone for a while you develop a "6th sense" with your SO. I believe that to a certain extent yes, although in addition there's a bigger chance you can be wrong with your assumptions; but i believe that there's bitterness on her part concerning how i left so abruplty and have been sending her mixed signals after our BU. She didn't really have a reason to stay in CA except for me and she told me that and i'm sure a lot of things here would remind her of me.

 

I genuinely want to be part of her life, as a friend or otherwise. I will be the first to admit that if we started talking today, i would be too emotionally unstable to handle her and her coldness towards me. Her defenses would be up so thick she would have her own gravity. I will be an emotional wreck and the words that would come out of my mouth will undoubtebly be pathetic and weak.

 

Come to think of it, neither of us really know what the other is doing. She doesn't know where i live (nor even bothered to ask so, i'm assuming she doesn't care) and the only thing she knows is what i've freely told her (not much). She knows i live by the gg park and have been addicted to Instagram. Only thing i know of her is she's done with the wedding invites to her mom and that her mom is buying a new van. Real quality conversation.

 

I know her habits and her daily routine. I know her pride and i know the way she would always place her self in a defensive position to unwanted stimuli and would never admit weakness to anyone, especially me. I can only imagine her throwing herself fully to the next guy or new friends she meets. I know in the deepest of my heart she's hurt and lonely and probably confused (but still maintains conviction to her decision of the BU and will not come back saying all these wonderful things people want to hear from their ex- SO. The friendships she will have here will be superficial due to her inability to give herself fully up like that. They would just be people she hangs out with, and nothing significant. People she'll drink with, go to parties with, smoke weed with, sleep with, but nothing of essence. She will live in this constant state of avoidance from admitting that i was a good man to her. If on the other hand she does find someone who she's willing to share intimacy with, well, I can't do anything about it now, can i? wish her well and build my own life again. People have gone through this hell before, what makes them better than me that i can't get out of it myself?

 

The caregiver in me wants to reach out and care for her, but i owe her nothing. in fact SHE owes me for hurting and breaking me like this. How can i imagine wanting to be with someone who broke me and made me doubt my very purpose in life? It's my fault i let the idea of being with her outrun the idea of me living my life the way i want to. It's my fault i forgot about myself and enmeshed myself in this mess and forgot myself and who i was. I lost a lot of friends during this relationship and i want to regain them one by one in time.

 

There were so many red flags i refused to see just because i was blinded by love. Neither of us has attempted to reach out to each other for the past few days and i don't expect to hear from her either... like we had an unspoken agreement that we will take the time away from speaking with each other. In the beginning when she was dropping crumbs (i don't expect her to do more due to the nature of her personality and insecurities) i wanted to validate that and encourage her to do more. But I threw mixed signals along that and her last reply "um ok, I thought we talked about that but whatever" came short after a few minutes of catching up pleasantly. Its like I go one way (pleasant) and then turn cold then warm again the next...

 

She would never relinquish that power to be in a place where she's weak, and neither should i. But what is love without humility? I know her "throwing crumbs" and being accepting of my initiated convos isn't a lead to anything romantic, but it was her gesture to reach out without admitting any weakness on her part. Despite all of us acting pretty much the same way after a break up (sad lonely etc) regardless of who dumped who, there's a little bit of a difference in all of us that only two people can know truly... that's what makes our situation a little bit more unique than anyone else's. Thus, my constant desire to feed off of her "crumbs". it's pathetic for me to want to take it.

 

I am trying to take things day by day by taking care of myself and slowing down. trying to figure out what I want for myself and what's best for me. I'm trying to train my brain to think in a way where i'm more about me than i am about her. i should. we're not together and she's not indicated she wants to be with me otherwise.

 

AS much as would like to imagine things like "she's insecure, she's blah blah blah" the only truth i can rely on, is that we're not together. And she's not made a significant effort to be talk about things and to put things in perspective. I don't think she's ever made any conscious effort since the break up to reconcile in a direct approach (friendship or otherwise). Knowing her, it's her fear of being rejected. i'm just trying to keep in mind right now that time is on my side. In time i'll get over her and meet someone new. A new her maybe, or a completely different person entirely. I don't know. But the days are slow and i've never been one to wait. But i suppose this whole experience is humbling by itself. telling me i'm not superhuman, i'm succeptible to hurt just like everyone else. Learning what to do when faced with adversity is what would define me when the time comes when it is needed, and time is something i cannot control. it's what i do in between it that will define me as a person.

 

gad i hope i start truly letting go soon. I hate going on like this. I hate thinking to myself so positively about the possibility of a reconnecting with her when i know now is not the time to do so, not until i've healed enough to accept the reality and truly feel nonchalant about whatever situation that may come my way.

 

as LTJ said, "i swore a million times, never to be left again with this feeling".

[sfindependent]

part of my job is to write a speech i'd present during a memorial service... and i found myself writing this.

 

I wish there was someway she would know she inspired me to write this speech.

 

this is dedicated to you, M.

 

Dear friends, families and co workers,

 

 

Someone wise once said, that “death and taxes” were unavoidable. It’s a brilliant analogy for the inevitable, for things we cannot elude. Taxes for the most part of the known world, is important to build societies we live in; to build infrastructure and encourage the progress of a city, a country and as a nation. Growth is a part of life, and taxes are needed to aid us to grow as a people. It is something we all have to live with, regardless of color, creed, religion or belief.

 

Death, much like taxes, is an unwanted fact of life. We cannot escape it. We live in a constant state of fear of dying and ending this beauty we call life. It is, inevitable. It is definite. It is the end. For a lot of cultures, and a lot of us, we view death as something that takes everything we know and voiding us from the experiences of what life is all about. When we die, we cease to exist. The memories we have and our essence leaves our love ones behind with nothing more than memories of what and who we were when we were alive, and who we were to them.

 

Looking at things from a different perspective, when OUR love ones pass away, we are the ones who feel left behind. They are gone and with death’s absoluteness, will never return for us to celebrate their existence with us. We cannot bargain, we cannot negotiate, we cannot stop the inevitable from happening. We are left to accept the cards that have been dealt to us; death has taken away people whom we valued and cherished and there is nothing we can do to change it.

 

Or can we?

 

We cannot look at death solely without looking at the life it revolved around as a whole. It is but one part of the meaning of our existence. It is the end, yes, of all we know and of all we celebrate about life and about the people we share it with. But knowing death and its devastating impact on our lives should serve as a reminder for us to enjoy the people who are alive and well while they are here and those who are with us now.

 

Admittedly, death is frightful. One can describe death as a complete separation from the people we love. There is nothing more that we can do except live with the space that they have left behind and filled when they were alive. We are left with these feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. Someone has been taken away from us; we are not done fully enjoying the benefits of our relationship with the other; we have not apologized, we have not thanked, we have not become the people we want to be for our love ones; we have not become the people our love ones wanted us to be. We never got the chance. Time seems to be our enemy and we have run out of it. We cannot undo what we’ve had with our loved ones who passed away, good or bad. Despite us feeling helpless, we cannot force them back to life to change the negative and continue on with the positive aspects of our relationship. Our lives are finite. The moments we live in are every second we need to cherish. It’s certainty and unpredictable nature is the part of death and separation that we absolutely fear, and we cannot know when we can bid goodbye to our love ones and truly say we spent our lives living it with loving one another.

 

What does that mean?

 

We often take for granted the meaning of our existence to ourselves and the people around us. Our morning routines reflect the hurriedness of our lives to move on, our commute prevents us from seeing the world at a slower pace, and our unique fears in life prevent us from truly enveloping ourselves with the people whom we say we care about without hesitation or reluctance. Celebrating life fully with the people we love is marred with insecurities, frustration and negativity; life is truly hard. In the realization that everything comes with a time card, can we truly afford to live with the knowledge we did not fully immerse ourselves in the greatness of the time we are given to spend with the people we claim we love?

 

Death serves as a reminder for us to be honest with ourselves and look at the people around us. These are the people that we are given the chance to celebrate life with, but have gone and moved on. We cannot undo death, we simply cannot.

 

But I leave you with this, dealing with death is hard. It is understandable that we lead the rest of our lives with the burden that we did not reach our full potential to love that person when they were alive. But then again, look around you. These are the people that are here, that are in the moment with you. Cherish them while they are here, love them. Tell them; make them feel loved regardless of the circumstance. Make them feel that their very existence is appreciated and the time you have with them is as precious as the time they have with you, and when death comes, you have nothing else but the fondness of their memory and the impact they have made in your life as you have theirs. When your or their time comes, one would feel sadness and despair for having a wonderful person taken away; but you will also have the fondness of their memory and the comfort that you shared a life worth living with the person you truly and actively cared about.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Closing:

 

Knowing what and whom we have lost is important, it gives us knowledge of what we gained and what we had with our love ones and most importantly what we want. It reminds us that life, as difficult as it is with the complexity of our emotions and our own personal challenges, needs a greater purpose. It reminds us that we as people affect other people with our choices on how to live our own lives.

 

In death, we are given the opportunity to celebrate the real meaning of life and of love. Most of the time our unique circumstances prevent us from finding meaning in our relationships with our family and friends during our life time, but the harsh reminder that everything ends should be enough to tell us that love and it’s selfless nature should motivate us to look into ourselves again and reflect how we affect the people we claim we love who are still with us. In the same breath, relinquish ourselves of our bitterness, our anger and our resentment towards others. We should forgive, and let love’s blessings come to us and validate its presence.

 

It is unfortunate that it takes death to give us motivation to reflect on our own existence and how we deal with what we have in our lives. But in reality, this is our chance to simply live a loving life.

 

i know she'll be proud of me to having written it. she knows the kind of people i work with and the families i deal with everyday.

 

sigh. I wish i can just talk to her and tell her i miss her. But i wont.

[sfindependent]

just came from the memorial service for my residents who have passed away. i cried for the first time since the break up. I talked about loss, and how losing someone hurts especially in death where it is a goodbye with no recourse of going back.

 

I'm literally tired right now. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but my heart still grieves for her loss. I cannot allow myself to be consistently into feeling sad and lonely and feeling this way. March 1st is the day i've given myself. After that, it's been a month since i moved out. I will and shall have peace by having the opportunity to say good bye, time to mourn and just move on. i miss her terribly, just like any other ENA'r would say. I wish i can be different, stronger and with morecapability to detach myself from all this. i do not need it, i cannot allow myself to dwell.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Really, SF?

This is the first time you cried since she dumped you?

 

Find this hard to believe as you seem to be an emotional man. It's natural to cry.

I bawled my head off - in private after my big breakup. Didn't cry after the other breakups that happened after that one. Was dissapointed, though, when some of the other relationships died.

 

The first devastating breakup made my heart tougher and gave me the ability to better handle future ones. Learned (or tried to learn) to not put so much into expectations.

[sfindependent]

yup. havnt cried until today. i guess i had it bottled up and just brewing inside. maybe thats why ive been an emotional wreck and cant simply communicate isht with her properly, i dont know. maybe its also how things ended up, my sudde. move to sf, my sudden increase in responsibilities at work, my social status with friends... my loss of weight and increase in muscle tone (had to put that there, heheh). ive been an emotional person all my life

and as i mentioned in my previous post i swore i wont be the same pathetic loser i was years ago when my last gf dumped me and i became an obsessive ex bf who called texted pleaded and whatnot. this time ive been better, as mch as i communicated with M i tried not to appear clingy, needy and dependent on her. if anything she did hate

me for leaving the way i did and is probably bitter how i left and "got over her"( as she said) so quickly.

 

ive got a new plan. (oh oh!)

 

ive been reading the art of seduction and it made me think... how can one be good at women relationships and make women love u and make exes regret dumping u? by knowing the enemy. and by enemy

i mean women. im not so much focused right now on M, if she comes back great if not whatever. i am a well educated man who will be successful in life. i will romanticize myself and be the ideal man by learning the way. i went crazy at borders and found myself a few good books about men, women, how they work and how they communicate

with each other,

and what they find attractive. yes confidence etc

etc but what is the nature or idea behind it?

 

oh this will be good.

[sfindependent]

LOL, i just got done reading "the female brain" written by a neuropsychiatrist/MD. Very technical and written "medically" thank god i'm into this kind of thing. Psychology and human behavior. reading all these books are helping me figure out the opposite sex better as well as it being applicable to my job. Very interesting book. discussing female brain chemistry, general behaviors and female development.

 

i'm on my next book "women are from mars"., empowerment is key. I bought a bathroom reader called "the ways of a true gentleman". Nothing bad about improving my manners and my demeanor, right?

 

i got an email/call from a couple of people wanting to play music with me (i play the bass) and i haven't so in a long time. I kinda figured why not. I'll give it a shot. It'll open up to meeting new people anyway.

 

Also, got a visit from my boss. The letter I wrote and read in the memorial service I guess sparked a bit of interest with her and she asked me to write an article for our quarterly newsletter for our building (has about 250 employees as well as submitting it for the quarterly newsletter for the entire company (major company, nationwide). exciting. In the back of my mind, i wish i can share the good news with her especially since the memorial was inspired by her, but I know that even when we were together she'd be happy for me yes, but she would hold a bit of a resentment with me becoming "bigger" for being recognized like this. Now why would i want someone who holds me back from being successful? she always pointed out I made 3x as much as she did like it was a bad thing.

 

I'm trying to learn to push down the thoughts or replace them with something else like work. I am not denying myself of the desire to want her back, but then again, i'm consciously arguing with myself telling myself why would these thoughts persist when i know being with her in the long run is not good for me. I remember when she went home with a guy who walked her home from the bar (we were broken up then). I don't want that around me. I don't need someone who disrespects me like that.

 

I can see that whenever we meet in the future would be one of the very few instances where we would communicate before we would completely fade into being strangers again. i don't see her trying anymore even to be friends. I am at this point now where i feel intense pain, but kinda starting not to care whom she sees or if we ever reconcile. working against the awkwardness of our future meet up, circling around sensitive issues, putting on nonchalance and fake smiles once in a while and feigning concern, meh. Too much pressure, too much work. I can use that to read my books and learn more about human behavior and improve my skills set at work and in life.

 

We'll see. i'm still checking my phone to see if she texts or whatnot so i know my feelings for her are still there. i've not accessed Fb and she's still a friend there (i know i should take her off but all in due time) and as far as I know, we still both have all our pics up when we were together, there on both of our sites. I am not reading into why she hasn't taken them down. she probably just hasn't had the time to take em off or doesn't care if they're up or not or just waiting for me to take mine off... doesn't matter. I've not accessed Fb in a few weeks and have stopped using the photo app where she can check up on my photos, have been off gchat for a while and have not texted her since sunday.

 

we'll see how my strengh goes. I've an afternoon appt with my therapist again this afternoon so i can vent there some more.

 

ciao!

 

My

[sfindependent]

I'm feeling anxious right now. I'm thinking of her and wanting to reach out to her, but i wont.

 

i'll be honest, despite me making leaps and bounds over my feelings of letting go and loss of control, i am finding things out about MYSELF that i need to improve on and finding out things about MY situation that frankly, i'm quite scared about. I'm taking my time right now and slowing things down for me to absorb all this what's happening to me.

 

I'll continue writing here since people have been so kind enough to help me get through this. A month of unnecessary and unfruitful LC has led her to NC me, and me her as well for the time being. My emotions have taken the best of me during this period and I succumbed easily. Enforcing her negative thoughts about me, my neediness and my inability to provide emotional security by being secure myself. I know we'll talk eventually regardless of the content. But i've to keep reminding myself time is on my side to be the best i can be when that time comes along.

 

As a theme, i'll try to be completely honest with myself while i write this down.

 

Working with my therapist, i'm slowly seeing and re-affirming my feelings about myself and who i am. granted that some of the words that the therapist has mentioned to me were things I knew about myself, I've only believed in them minimally. Frankly because I let people, her and my situations get the best of me. My poor impulse control, my codependency, my inability to accept my BU and the desire to control things i cannot, spelled out my lack of emotional maturity. She noted I was smart and I agreed with that. Granted therapists sometimes would provide you with positive feedback that may not genuinely be true (made only to motivate and redirect self esteem), I do believe i am. I am highly educated, i put this knowledge to practice and the lessons learned i adapt to the ever changing industry i am work in. I'm good with what i do and for someone who's my age (31), being in the position I am speaks volumes about what I am capable of. I am also very self aware, i know my weaknesses and my imperfections and I work with it well, in regards with my daily struggles as a person. I consistently (especially now) strive to seek self reflection and seek answers to improve what needs to be improved. I've an ideal man that I see myself as in the future and now, I am striving to be so. I'm setting goals to be that ideal man.

 

She pointed out that I've two brains, one who was highly intellectual, high functioning and positive. I know the answers to the questions i ask, but on the other side i've an emotional maturity of an adolescent. I cope poorly with negative emotional stimuli. I've difficulty detaching with people i care about. She even went to say "you probably have an addictive personality" and I admitted I am co-dependent. She suggested sobriety would be a good idea but i don't think i'm ready to go that way just yet. I've lessened my self destructive behavior by reading, self reflection and connecting to things i like about myself. I am trying to practice detachment and independency. It's a long scary road, but my ideal man is independent, calm and collected. I cannot buy a porsche without saving the first dollar.

 

My friend gave me an inspirational speech last night after having a few drinks with him. We were eating at a late night thai place when he put things into perspective. I've to keep it in mind and i hope it will be enough to calm my unquiet mind. He said (not verbatim, but the idea of it): You have all the time now to improve yourself. To grow up and be ready for the next person coming. Right now she's not handling HER situation as well as you have. she might be sulking around in her house or improving her art, or self reflecting the same way you are and trying to be whatever. It doesn't matter. YOU are improving yourself by doing what you're doing, seeing a therapist, reading self help books, starting a new band getting out there. She's only got so little out of life. She's in denial about her faults, she's coping poorly by sleeping with whoever, hanging out with bad influences and continuing the same behavior that has led her to be who she is. You're not. She's going to always rely on her mother for financial necessities, she's always going to rely on others to feel fulfilled emotionally with her poor self esteem... she's not good for you. everyone saw that. Your close friends especially as well as the therapist friends you have. You have better priorities that can lead you to become a better person overall"

 

It's true. I dropped so much weight from not eating but on the same breath i lost the beer gut i have had since i've met her. I also have started to become a "cheap date", my tolerance for ETOH has become significantly low as compared to before (me and the ex could down a pitcher of margaritas each, or 6-7 jack and cokes in one sitting). and i'm not frequenting the bars as much as I used to. I'm drinking tea at 1230 at night reading a book about psychology and relationships and not feeding on my addictions.

 

I hope this growth i'm experiencing continues. I've to be mindful that i'm not doing the "growing up" for her or for anyone, but for myself. I'm a man. I'm an intelligent man. All i have to do is have that little kid in me grow up a bit. My youthful outlook is great, but rather than letting it drive me, i'll have to let it take the back seat and just let him loose when the time calls for being young.

[Aether]

Gosh this is exactly me! I tried to explain something like this to my counselor this week, it's exactly how I see myself. I'm also doing all of things you're doing to better yourself. I set myself a goal this week, a big one that I know will change my life, I'm looking forward to starting it

[sfindependent]

i know, the feelings are still there. I've been reading a lot about detachment, maturity, emotional growth and empowerment. I'm lucky i do this for work so walking up to the register at the local bookstore doesn't make me feel like such a sap for buying 70.00 worth of self help books, lol.

 

My last contact to her was very friendly, yet distant and unreplied. I said "i heard it was going to be cold tomorrow, layer up". I didn't add a question mark, didn't inquire nothing. I don't expect much for a reply (although I have to admit i want her to) but I suppose it's going accross the way that I wanted to. I care for her, but i'm trying to out grow myself from my little boy shoes and fill up my man shoes and man up by letting her go.

 

I miss her dearly and these feelings of "who is she going out with now, who are her new friends, we'll never get back together" and "what can she be doing now, is she better off without me? Is being alone better than being with me?" still exist.I am in constant state of anxiety, but in immersing myself with the knowledge that it exists within me, helps me cope a bit somewhat.

 

All these are control issues, co dependent issues that I choose not to live with. I feel horrible, i admit. These are emotions that i know i shouldn't have, they are irrational, illogical, unhealthy and overall shows my inability to cope with something I cannot control. Who am i to say who she sees and who she doesn't? I can only show right now, that i care. I wish i can tell her I finally understand her and what she needs but a psychiatric nurse friend I know told me "there's no point in living in the past... what for?" she's right. I can not dwell into the past and maybe someday we can sit down and talk about maybe trying out a friendship. I was somewhat careless with the way i moved out and the way I handled our subsequent contacts but it's too late to dwell on it (although I am anxious enough to still fervently think about what i did and how to undo them). I think it was superdave71 who said "if you do nothing, nothing bad will happen". I am banking on that philosophy right now. and the little contact i will have with her, i will practice validation, mirroring and non chalance. Right now time is on my side. I told her i'll have my junk out by June but in between then i'm planning on learning more about myself, detach myself from her and take the time to be a good, mature and desireable man.

[sfindependent]

bwt i'm slowly coming to the emotional realization that we can never be anything more than just friends, or maybe even less than that. Our break up wasn't because we didn't love each other anymore. In looking back, our disagreements were mainly on a few things.. a) her frustration because she cannot find me physically attractive. It stemmed from that and grew into our lack of emotional and physcial connection in bed, then it just grew from there. b) our core beliefs - I am catholic and she was raised catholic. while i do not practice catholicism constantly, i still want to go to church on major holidays such as christmas, lent and all that. She had a visceral reaction (literally) whenever she joined me in church. c) She has no plan in life - I do. I want kids a house this and that, but her, it's a come what may. While I'm like that in a lot of things, i wanted to sit down and plan things with her... she didn't.

 

I think she'll be a good friend later on, maybe in a few months or by the time i get my stuff out we'll be on the same level (me just wanting platonic friendship). I want a woman who has some faith, has a plan and finds me attractive. She, is none of those.

 

I do not hate her, and i'm slowly forgiving her for the actions she did to hurt me. there's no point in keeping these negative feelings. Its not time to be friends with her just yet. I'm not "thick skinned" just yet and I still am just discovering my "adolescent" maturity level. Hopefully time will come when i can handle my emotions better than i've been. I've reached some level of clarity the month i've been doing self reflection... what more in a month or so?

[sfindependent]

just did my change of address.

 

Ugh. cutting all ties. cutting all ties.

[gallop30]

what's up with that shoe in your avatar? i would've posted your shoe to the right and your ex a$$ to the left. that would be a better avatar pic. just my opinion.

[anthony4]

what's up with that shoe in your avatar? i would've posted your shoe to the right and your ex a$$ to the left. that would be a better avatar pic. just my opinion.

 

Yep. instead of kicking a wall...........Chuck Taylors do rule tho. I dunno, maybe it was just in the middle of a grunt?

[sfindependent]

HAHAHAH I took that picture when I was riding the MUNI (SF transit line) for the first time with my sister. It was one of the days when she was trying to support me during my breakup with my ex ex... the one i was dealing with when i swore acting needy and pathetic off my life. it was the graffitti that i liked best about the picture...

 

Fellas, i'm not sure why, despite me THINKING the way i do about myself nowadays, my newly found inspiration to work harder with empowering myself, and making myself better; i FEEL that i want to really give me and her another whirl with this time, being more aware of my faults and my weaknesses. But i also KNOW that being with her right now is NOT a good thing for me and I can't really predict the future if she herself have made significant changes to make herself better... however i doubt it. I'm left feeling bitter about her new life despite me KNOWING i've got nothing to do with it, and her nothing to do with mine. She's handling this a lot better from what i can see. Minimal to no contact at all, she's behaving the way I'm supposed to be behaving and it sucks that she's more man enough to stick with her guns than I am. I guess that in it by itself speaks volumes about my weaknesses and her desires to really push through with the break up. action speaks louder than words and she hasn't made any special attempts to get through to me.

 

She's also very bad for me. I know that in my deepest of hearts. I'm trying to justify that losing her isn't such a bad thing, especially if i'm gaining and learning so much about myself nowadays. her habits, lack of motivation, her inability to provide me with anything substantial that can be a good foundation to our relationship. As i said, speaking in terms of religion alone. Following my faith isn't really something i do consistently, but whenever i do, i try to do it during the times that i need to fulfill my religious obligations such as christmas and lent. I don't need her to survive. But i do like having her around.

 

I need to heal... damnit i need to fast. stupid sfindependent... why did i let her get to me this way? I was a good man. I swore off being too emotionally involved with anyone and when we got together finally i told myself "ok, i'll make it work this time" and well, here i am.

 

Its a pretty big blow to the ego when someone tells you "i'm not attracted to you anymore, i don;t know if i ever was to you physically. it was your personality that i was attracted more to". Sex sucked with me. It's pretty humbling to think some other guy is doing a fairly better job at satisfying her overall. Ugh.

 

confused.

[gallop30]

you don't need anything fast,forcing things may lead to cracks.

 

you need to heal slow,steady and good

[anthony4]

all it takes is a mindset. period. Like the Kinks sang - it's your attitude. No offense, but you keep explaining and explaining. Just do it, in your head. I asked you before, what is it about her? So yeah, she's wrong for you, and bad for you. What do you think she's doing tonight? Writing to someone about how she needs to change, and is becoming empowered, and inspired? From what we know - not. She's living it up, while you are still hurting. Maybe some new condoms lying around? (i went back through ten pages of posts to be sure it was you that mentioned condoms and lube, I follow a few threads here) Not to be crude, but this is what you are killing your mind over SF. We want you to get past this, sincerely.

[sfindependent]

yeah slowly. that's another thing that i've to keep working on is my impatience. Good things come to those who wait, i suppose. I don't intend to text/call back for a while. i don't think she will either due to her lack of response on my last text sometime ago.

 

gallop, man i have to tell you, it sucks to keep fooling myself to think things are going to get better with us. I know in my most rational thoughts its never going to work, even if she wanted to make it work herself, we're simply too different values wise. I mean she's a great girl over all, made a great girlfriend on some points (and not on some due to her limited capacity to open up and her lack of motivation to plan life out). I guess i just keep living in this fantasy land of what ifs and right now i can't get out.

 

I'm trying to accept, but the anxiety is overwhelming (i do have a diagnosis of anxiety due to my attachment and abandonment issues). I really don't have that when i'm over a relationship or in one, it's only when i get dumped that it comes out....

 

I NEEEED to live MY life and not try to live in hers. it shows weakness. it shows patheticness that someone as highly achieved as i am cannot live his own life and has to live on someone else's. I have the "white knight" syndrome too.

suggestions?

[anthony4]

I don't intend to text/call back for a while. i don't think she will either due to her lack of response on my last text sometime ago.

 

Quit thinking so hard about what "she" is thinking. UGH You still want her back don't you? To be in your life, and hurt you again and again. I am certainly not as sage as Real and Gallop but this trend is so obvious, and doesn't seem to change - no matter how much you type. "a while"?

 

After all this time? and great advice from the best there is to offer here, and your therapist?

[sfindependent]

all it takes is a mindset. period. Like the Kinks sang - it's your attitude. No offense, but you keep explaining and explaining. Just do it, in your head. I asked you before, what is it about her? So yeah, she's wrong for you, and bad for you. What do you think she's doing tonight? Writing to someone about how she needs to change, and is becoming empowered, and inspired? From what we know - not. She's living it up, while you are still hurting. Maybe some new condoms lying around? (i went back through ten pages of posts to be sure it was you that mentioned condoms and lube, I follow a few threads here) Not to be crude, but this is what you are killing your mind over SF. We want you to get past this, sincerely.

 

i'm living my life slowly. As i said, i'm trying to do activities slowly. I'll go out with friends when i feel like it, have been going out on my own, and doing positive things overall. I'm not sure what it was about her exactly. she reminded me so much of myself, i suppose. with one flaw... i could not pick her brain. she's smart in a way where she knows current events and from simply reading stuff, but not "intellectually challenging" where i cannot hold an honest intellectual debate with her... it's frustrating. what's even more frustrating was her difficulty to move forward in life. I'm not sure if i was indirectly influencing hindrance to that, but truthfully i verbally and action wise amde effort to get her out of her cocoon... she didn't want to. She wanted to just stay in her little world, literally. she hated going to SF (17miles away) didn't want to go to plays, musicals and go hike etc.

 

what's more frustrating is that i know THIS is my problem. This inability to detach. I am, i mean, despite me frantically typing here and ranting non stop, i do other things to keep her out of my mind. I'm not living all my life right now in a daze or in stupor. As a matter of fact, i do feel a bit of myself here lately. i am missing her mostly.

 

Anthony, i don't think i'm up to "living it up" just yet. I do feel bad abut the whole situation but my gut feeling says that i should mourn this relationship properly and work on myself and not do what she did by finding a new Fbuddy. Don't get me wrong, i'm meeting people, getting numbers... etc. I went out last night by myself for a minute and chatted with two women (lone wolf, buddy!)and they invited me to their table. i politely refused (didn't feel like BSing)... that same night a buddy came by and took me to another bar (guy i said who offered me really good advice) and got another girl's number. I've no problem "living it up" and meeting new people. it's engrained in my personality to socialize and be charismatic and charming

 

Speaking of which, the chick i met has been texting me on and off. today she called and said she was sick and apologized, she said "i don't want you to think i'm putting you off" i said (based on my new found knowledge i'm practicing) "It's ok, but i appreciate you telling me that". I'm not interested in this girl as more than a friend and maybe i'd have to talk to her once given the chance, i don't know.

 

the rapist (hehehe) said i might be good with NO relationship for a while and find myself. maybe i should follow that.